What I bought - 31 August 2011

"Life is so embarrassing," he said. "How I love it." (Robert Boswell, from The Geography of Desire)

Four men sit in a basement. Their names: Ardmore, Phil, No Balls Stevie, and The Dozer. This week they purchased comics and decided to discuss them. Luckily, the basement was bugged, mainly because Ardmore runs an illegal urine-smuggling ring out of the basement and the FBI got a warrant to bug and install tiny cameras in the basement. Let's listen and watch what they have to say, shall we?

The Bodysnatchers #3 by Pasquale Pako Massimo (writer/artist), Peppe bBox Boccia (colorist), Raffaele de Angelis (coloring assistant), Andrea Plazzi (translator), Adam McGovern (translator), and Studio Blue (letterer). $2.99, 22 pgs, FC, GG Studio.

The Dozer: That chick has her tits out for, like, the whole book.Phil: Yes, well, it's European. That's how they roll. I hear in Paris you can look at naked hookers on the street.No Balls Stevie: Awesome.Ardmore: But, seriously, what the fuck is going on in this comic?Phil: The woman is killing rich folk in this futuristic city, and the rich folk send her son, a cop, after her to bring her to their form of justice.No Balls Stevie: That chick's son is old enough to be a cop?Phil: Yeah.The Dozer: Yuck. She's old, man. Nice tits, though.Ardmore: What's up with that other naked chick?Phil: I'm not sure. It's all very weird.The Dozer: She totally kills a bunch of dudes. While her tits are out.Ardmore: This comic is totally freaky.Phil: Yes, yes it is.No Balls Stevie: But she fucks shit up! Hells yeah! (high fives the Dozer)Ardmore: So when are we going to Paris to see naked hookers?

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ½ ☆ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

Butcher Baker, the Righteous Maker #6 by Joe Casey (writer), Mike Huddleton (artist/colorist), and Rus Wooton (letterer). $2.99, 24 pgs, FC, Image.

No Balls Stevie: Dicks, man. I don't like seeing dicks.Phil: That's because you have no balls, No Balls Stevie.No Balls Stevie: Not, you know, really. Not ...Phil: 'Literally'?No Balls Stevie: Yeah, not literally! Jesus, you guys fucking suck. I'll fucking kill you all.Ardmore: Where would you get your weed, then?No Balls Stevie: I could get it from my mom, you know. Or Pindar down at the laundromat. Or Crack Whore June over in Pietown. You guys aren't the only place to get weed, you know.Ardmore: But where would you get your Genny Light?No Balls Stevie: Shit, yeah, you're right. Fuck you guys.Ardmore: And don't we let you see naked pictures of The Dozer's stepmom every so often?The Dozer: Shit yeah!No Balls Stevie: Fuck. Yeah. But I don't like seeing dicks, man.Phil: But there aren't as many dicks in this issue as there have been in other issues, No Balls. I mean, in some issues, it's been wall-to-wall dicks!No Balls Stevie: I'm not gay, man!Ardmore: Of course not, No Balls. Look, look at this page.No Balls Stevie: Titties!Phil: And here - it's Jay Leno and Dick Cheney. Aren't they funny villains?No Balls Stevie: Yeah, they rock. And look at Butcher getting beaten up by that dude ... wait a minute.Ardmore: Uh-oh.No Balls Stevie: Is that dude gay?Phil: Yes, it appears he is. But Butcher likes the ladies, doesn't he? And he's the hero, right?No Balls Stevie: Yeah. Fuck, yeah, he is.Phil: And look at these pages, where Huddleston makes it seem like we're reading an old comic book. Look at those colors! Look at that fight scene! Isn't that nice?No Balls Stevie: Yeah, that is nice. Man, this is a cool-looking book.Ardmore: And I don't think just seeing a dick will make you gay, No Balls. I don't think that's how it works.No Balls Stevie: I ... I guess, you guys. I don't know, seeing dicks just - Arrrgggghhhh!!!!! (looks to his left, where The Dozer has moved behind him and placed his penis on No Balls Stevie's shoulder) Fucking Christ, Dozer! What the fucking fuck is fucking wrong with you?!?!?!?The Dozer: Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!!!! Dicks, man!

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

Flashpoint #5 (of 5) by Geoff Johns (writer), Andy Kubert (penciler), Sandra Hope (inker), Jesse Delperdang (inker), Alex Sinclair (colorist), and Nick J. Napolitano (letterer). $3.99, 32 pgs, FC, DC.

Ardmore: Look at that fucked-up cover. What the fuck, man? If the Flash's outfit is skin tight, how does that Reverse Flash dude grab a handful? Goddamnit, that's stupid. And don't even get me started on this shitty issue.Phil: I take it you didn't like it?The Dozer: No tits, man!Phil: Well, it's a DC superhero book, Dozer. That's not surprising.No Balls Stevie: Yeah, but that one bitch whose tits are always falling out, she's twisting around a lot. Man, she'd totally fall out of her shirt, man.Phil: I believe that's called 'Comics Code Physics.' But why don't you like the issue, Ardmore?Ardmore: Ffffffffffffucccccckkkkkkkk. Seriously, what the fuck? So all this important shit happened in another issue before this series started, and no one bothered to tell us until now? And then we get some weird chick telling Flash that all this weird shit is going to happen, meaning this is all just fucking set-up? What the fuck? And Flash is a fucking hero, yet he's the one who fucked this all up because he's so fucking selfish? How many fucking times has he or somebody near him fucked with time and fucked shit up? Didn't he fucking learn anything? And why are stories always about heroes acting like pussies these days? I mean, sure, that Reverse dude was the bad guy, but only because Flash was so fucking stupid. God, this comic pisses me right the fuck off. You know what it's like? It's like, you know, when you're fucking some hot chick, and you're having a really good time, but you both had a lot of fucking tequila and you maybe smoked some skunk weed so you're not feeling real good, but you like fucking this bitch so much and then, right when you're about to come, you both spew on each other and you're covered with puke 'n' shit but you figure, fuck it, I might as well finish, so you're shooting your load into her and she's coming and you're both covered in puke, am I right?(Dead silence for ten seconds)Ardmore: What? Like that's never fucking happened with you?Phil: O ... kay. Did anyone like anything about this?Ardmore: Hey, fuck you guys.No Balls Stevie: I liked that evil bitch who was killing everyone and then got fucking stomped on by that flying dude. That was fucking hardcore!The Dozer: The colors were pretty.Phil: Yes, Dozer, yes they were.No Balls Stevie: The end made me cry.(Dead silence for ten seconds)No Balls Stevie: Fuck, did I say that out loud?Phil: Why do you think we call you 'No Balls Stevie,' Stevie?No Balls Stevie: I least I don't vomit on chicks I'm fucking.Ardmore: It wouldn't matter, because you can just wipe that shit off of plastic real easy.No Balls Stevie: Fuck you, man!Phil: Doesn't anyone have anything nice to say about this issue?Ardmore: It didn't suck as much as that Justice League issue.No Balls Stevie: Fuck yeah, man! (fist bumps Ardmore)The Dozer: That thing where the dude thinks he's won and then the other dude stabs in him the back was fucking cool.Ardmore: Yeah, because we haven't seen something like that in every other fucking action movie on the fucking planet. Motherfuck!The Dozer: I'm still sad that there weren't any tits.

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

Hero Comics 2011. "My Last Landlady" by Neil Gaiman (writer), Sam Kieth (artist), and Mike Dringenberg (artist); "This is My Story" by Christopher Ivy; "Chew: A View to a Pill" by John Layman (writer) and Rob Guillory (artist); "My Hero" by Jason Craig; "Once Upon a Time" by Sam Kieth (writer/artist); "Hero Initiative" by Ralph Reese; "Elephantmen: Old Soldiers" by Richard Starkings (writer), Doug Braithwaite (artist), and Ulises Arreola (colorist). $3.99, 31 pgs, FC, IDW.

No Balls Stevie: Look at that Goldilocks bitch on the cover! Yeah, that Campbell dude knows how to draw, man. He should do a porno comic. I'd lick that oatmeal right off that leg!Phil: That one bear looks like he's about to do just that. He's thinking, 'Man, I have to hump big fat furry bears all the time, and some dude gets to fuck that every fucking day.' You know it's driving him fucking crazy.No Balls Stevie: And I bet that dude wouldn't puke all over her, either.Ardmore: Fuck off, you guys. Jesus.(Ardmore's girlfriend, Maddyssin, comes downstairs. All the men hoot.)Ardmore: Hey, baby, come over here and check out this cover.Maddyssin: Yeah, she's hot. I'd totally do her.No Balls Stevie: Fuck yeah! And you'd let us watch, right, Mad?Maddyssin: Only in your fucking dreams, No Balls. You'd join in, wouldn't you, baby?Ardmore: Hell yeah I would.Phil: Of course, he might puke all over both of you.Ardmore: Fuck!Maddyssin: What's he talking about, baby?Ardmore: Nothing, baby, nothing. He's just being a bitch. You staying? Dozer had his dick out earlier.Maddyssin: I hope it wasn't next to his pinkie finger, because how could you tell the difference?(All the men hoot at the burn.)Ardmore: That cover is the best thing about this comic. I mean, it has some weird poem shit in it that has some weird art shit with it. You know who reads art comics? Pussies, that's who.Phil: That's the original creative team of Sandman doing the story.Ardmore: You know who reads Sandman? Goth pussies, that's who.Phil: What about the Chew story? That was cool.Ardmore: Yeah, that was okay. It needed more of that dude chomping on weird-ass shit, though. You like that book, don't you, baby?Maddyssin: I like chomping on something, you know.(All the men hoot at the innuendo.)Ardmore: You stayin', baby?Maddyssin: Nah. I just came down to tell you I was heading out to the store and I need some cash.Ardmore: Damn, bitch, you're always taking my coin. What the fuck is up with that? Don't you have a job?Maddyssin: Yeah, but I got to pay the rent on this place, you know, asshole. You're living here free, you know.No Balls Stevie: Dude, you're whipped.Ardmore: Shut the fuck up, dude. All right, Mad, here you go. Bring me back some Funyons, 'kay?Maddyssin: You won't be kissing me later if you eat up all those Funyons. That shit is nasty!Ardmore: I don't plan on doing much kissing later, if you know what I mean, bitch.Maddyssin: Yeah, you just keep thinking like that.(She leaves. The men watch her go.)Phil: Damn, that woman has a fine ass.No Balls Stevie: You bet. I'd be tapping that right now if she were my woman.Ardmore: You'd have to find your dick first, No Balls.No Balls Stevie: Fuck off, man. Hey, you 'n' her are all right, right? The bitch is all right.Ardmore: Yeah, we're all right. She's a crazy bitch, all right. She's really into felching. It's kind of weird.The Dozer: What's 'at?(No Balls Stevie leans over and whispers in his ear. His eyes get wider and wider.)The Dozer: Duuuuuuuude ...

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ½ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

Rocketeer Adventures #4 (of 4). "A Day at the Beach" by Dave Gibbons (writer), Scott Hampton (artist), and Shawn Lee (letterer); "Waterlogged" by Joe Pruett (writer), Tony Harris (artist), JD Mettler (colorist), and Shawn Lee (letterer); "The Flight of the Aeronaut" by John Arcudi (writer), Brendan McCarthy (artist), Jamie Grant (colorist), and Shawn Lee (letterer). $3.99, 26 pgs, FC, IDW.

Ardmore: What the fuck is up with those pants?Phil: They're jodhpurs.No Balls Stevie: What the fuck are jodhpurs?Phil: Those pants.No Balls Stevie: You're real fucking funny, Phil. Why the fuck do they look like that?Phil: Do I look like fucking Wikipedia? I don't fucking know why they look like that, they just do. Go read a fucking book.The Dozer: The girl in this book has nice tits.Phil: Yes, Dozer, she does. That's because she was drawn like a pin-up model from the 1940s. 'Nice tits' is the first thing photographers looked for back then.Ardmore: Still do, am I right?Phil: Well, sure.No Balls Stevie: How 'bout that chick in the third story, with those stockings and the line running up the back? Man, that shit is hot. Too bad she puts on that armor. Except that's hot too.Phil: She's a Nazi, No Balls.No Balls: Yeah, that sucks. But I bet those Nazis like freaky shit in bed.Phil: This comic is like the last one. It's good, but it's also for a good cause. Don't we all feel better about buying these comics?Ardmore: I'd feel better about having a three-way with that Nazi chick and that Betty chick. That'd be awesome.

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

Secret Avengers #16 ("Subland Empire") by Warren Ellis (writer), Jamie McKelvie (artist), Matthew Wilson (colorist), and Dave Lanphear (letterer). $3.99, 22 pgs, FC, Marvel.

The Dozer: The chick in this has nice tits. And that other dude is totally crazy. That's awesome.No Balls Stevie: That Beast dude is kind of a dick, isn't he? I mean, Moon Knight should have gone medieval on his fucking ass. Who the fuck are you, Beast dude? You're just some blue furry dude who probably fucks bears or something.Ardmore: And time machines are fucking stupid. You can't fucking time travel, Mr. Warren Ellis. If you could, don't you think people would just use it to go back and nail old-time hot chicks without worrying about AIDS and shit? That's what the Secret Empire would do instead of trying to wipe out fucking Cincinnati. Why would anyone fucking wipe out Cincinnati? It's not pissing anyone off.The Dozer: They have good chili in Cincinnati. I went there once with my church youth group.No Balls Stevie: Fuck me, really, Dozer? You went to church?The Dozer: Yeah. We went to Cincinnati to paint houses for the poor people there. We stayed with people from a church there. One of the girls in the Cincinnati youth group gave me a hummer. She had nice tits.No Balls Stevie: Those church girls are crazy freaky, man.The Dozer: I saw a baseball game there.Ardmore: So we have this stupid fucking time machine and these good guys have to turn it off. And Beast dude has to do it and he's all upset because he thinks he'll have to kill a bunch of people do save another bunch of people. You know who gets upset when he has to kill bad guys? Pussies, that's who. He should just go full-on Stallone on them, motherfuckers!No Balls Stevie: The fucking car is awesome, though.Ardmore: Sure, the fucking car is awesome. The comic is okay, but time machine are fucking stupid.Phil: The art is nice, too.Ardmore: Shit, yeah. It's all clean and shit, but it's pretty fucking awesome.Phil: I doubt if Moon Knight could crush a jeep just by landing on it, though.Ardmore: Yeah, but you don't fucking get it. He crushes it because he's fucking crazy. His craziness makes him bad-ass, and he crushed the jeep just by using his fucking crazy brain, man!No Balls Stevie: He's fucking hardcore.Ardmore: That's why he should have gone fucking medieval on Beast. 'Can you fucking crush a jeep with the power of your crazy mind, you Grover motherfucker? I don't fucking think so!'Phil: Dozer? You okay?The Dozer: Yeah. I was just thinking about getting a hummer while eating Skyline chili at a baseball game.No Balls Stevie: Sounds like a perfect fucking world, my friend.

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ☆ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

The Sixth Gun #14 ("Bound Part Three") by Cullen Bunn (writer), Tyler Crook (artist), Bill Crabtree (colorist), and Douglas E. Sherwood (letterer). $3.99, 26 pgs, FC, Oni Press.

Phil: So this series has a "guest artist" and it's entirely a flashback, I guess because it's a "guest artist" so it won't mess up the regular story too much.Ardmore: Yeah, and it has the "secret origin" of that mummy dude, so we get to see him get shit on by everyone in the world except for one hot chick, because hot chicks always fall in love with ugly motherfuckers.No Balls Stevie: Is that how you got Maddyssin?Ardmore: Fuck off, No Balls. She digs my cock, you know. Just like you'd dig it too.No Balls Stevie: Man, fuck off.Ardmore: Come on, No Balls. You know you like the cock.No Balls Stevie: You wanna fucking go right now, motherfucker?The Dozer: Man, you dudes are too fucking wound up. This book sucks because it has no tits.Phil: Yeah, but it does a have a shambling misshapen ugly dude who can see the future and gets ripped up by some old women. Isn't that something?No Balls Stevie: Yeah, he's a tough motherfucker. He fucks people up.Phil: Yeah, but he doesn't save the girl. Did you cry at all when reading this, No Balls?No Balls Stevie: Fuck off, man.Ardmore: He didn't cry because he was too busy thinking about cock!Phil: Let's move on.

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ½ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

Zorro Rides Again #2 (of 12) by Matt Wagner (writer), Esteve Polls (artist), Oscar Manuel Martin (colorist), and Simon Bowland (letterer). $3.99, 22 pgs, FC, Dynamite Entertainment.

No Balls Stevie: Zorro is the fucking man!Ardmore: You just like him because he waves a giant penis around.No Balls Stevie: I will fucking fuck you up, fucker!The Dozer: I wish more comics had tits.Phil: This has some sword fighting, Dozer.The Dozer: I know. Fights are cool. Tits are better.Ardmore: Zorro's dad is a fucking pussy, though. Nut the fuck up and tell Zorro what's fucking what, man. Why is everyone a pussy in comics?Phil: Zorro's not a pussy.Ardmore: Yeah, but he's surrounded by pussies and he still hasn't beaten them all. That kind of makes him a pussy.Phil: He's only one man.Ardmore: Yeah, but look at that dude with the scars. Zorro put some fucking 'z's on his face? What the fuck is up with that? Sly would have fucking gutted the dude. That would have sent a fucking message.Phil: He's trying to change everything, not just kill people. He needs to get people on his side, and killing the authorities won't do that.Ardmore: Yeah, because he's surrounded by pussies.No Balls Stevie: Zorro should have a three-way with that Lolita chick and the chick from the monastery. That'd be awesome.Ardmore: You'd like it because you'd get to see his dick.No Balls Stevie: All right, motherfucker, that's it!

(At this point, the scene devolved into scuffling and rolling around on the floor, as Phil and The Dozer tried to separate No Balls Stevie and Ardmore. No more comics were discussed.)

Rating: ★ ★ ★ ★ ★ ½ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆

One totally Airwolf panel:

Man, that was weird, wasn't it? What are the odds that those guys would have bought the same comics I did and then discussed them in alphabetical order, like I do, and even take time to rate them? And that the FBI would allow me access to their surveillance tapes? That's pretty cool. Anyway, here's the rest of what I got this week. I don't know if those dudes also bought these.

Any Empire by Nate Powell (writer/artist). $19.95, 290 pgs, BW, Top Shelf.

Powell's last comic, Swallow Me Whole, was phenomenal. This looks great, too.

Eden: It's an Endless World! volume 13 by Hiroki Endo (writer/artist). $12.99, 222 pgs, BW, Dark Horse.

I'm certainly glad that Dark Horse brought this back, especially as there are only six volumes left, but now it seems that they've fallen way behind on The Kurosagi Corpse Delivery Service. Damn it!

The Steve Ditko Omnibus volume one starring Shade, the Changing Man by lots of writers and Steve Ditko (artist). $59.99, 478 pgs, (mostly) FC, DC.

Lots of cool Ditko shit in this.

Before we see what songs were on my iPod, I want to remind you that there was one clear-cut saddest Friend:

(From here.)

Man, that's funny stuff. All right, let's keep moving with The Ten Most Recent Songs On My iPod (Which Is Always On Shuffle):

1. "Tumbledown" - Fish (1999) "The needles begin to make their marks, you try to hide, you're leaving tracks"2. "Takin' Care of Business"1 - Bachman-Turner Overdrive (1973) "Get a second-hand guitar, chances are you'll go far if you get in with the right bunch of fellows"3. "When Fine Society Sits Down to Dine" - Chumbawamba (2004) "Where all the quiet submission is smeared in lipstick red, and every act is a crime of passion"4. "Take this Bottle" - Faith No More (1995) "I can hope the stormy weather, it passes on, it passes on"5. "Andante, Andante" - ABBA2 (1980) "Make your fingers soft and light, let your body be the velvet of the night"6. "Do What You Like" - Foreigner (1979) "You won't believe what you won't see, the only one you'll lose is me"7. "Get on the Flaw" - People in Planes (2008) "I want a red car, it's only human nature"8. "Baba O'Riley" - The Who (1971) "I don't need to fight to prove I'm right"39. "Unchained" - Van Halen (1981) "Blue-eyed murder in a size five dress"10. "Pour Some Sugar on Me"4 - Def Leppard (1987) "Demolition woman, can I be your man?"

1 If you prefer attractive women to bearded dudes, here's a different video for the song, which is probably NSFW. And, of course, who can forget when BTO appeared on The Simpsons? Man, The Simpsons used to be awesome.

2 According to ABBA's web site, there's a new Wii game based on the band. If my Wii wasn't currently out of commission, I'd be all over that.

3 I know someone who claims this is a perfect album. I like Who's Next a lot, but I'm not sure if it's perfect ("The Song is Over" and "Going Mobile" are kind of weak, in my humble opinion). But it's an interesting idea - the "perfect album." Even your favorite album EVER might have one or two clunkers on it. Does anyone have a perfect album, where they think every single song on the album is very good or great? My favorite album ever is Misplaced Childhood by Marillion, and I also think it's perfect, as I honestly can't think of anything I'd lose from that album (and that's the only Marillion album about which I can say that). What's yours? Can you have two or more? I can't think of any other album where I love every single song on it, even albums I really love. But maybe you can!

4 This is the UK video, in which women actually destroy the house in which the band is singing. I've never seen it before, and now I absolutely love it. It's so 1980s awesome.

Another movie quote went unanswered last week, this time from Jonathan Demme's Something Wild, with Jeff Daniels, Melanie Griffith, and Ray Liotta. It's kind of a lost classic, and I think people don't hold it in such high regard because of its very weird tone shift in the middle from road comedy to really dark thriller. It's certainly a high point in the careers of its three stars, though! Here's the next Totally Random Movie Quote!

"How odd that it should end this way for us after so many stimulating encounters. I almost regret it. Where shall I find a new adversary so close to my own level?""Try the local sewer."

That's not too difficult, is it? Anyway, it's September, which means my daughter turned nine two days ago, football is almost upon us, the Phillies are in the stretch run, and perhaps the weather might get below 105 degrees every so often. I won't hold my breath on that last one. And just in case Travis isn't happy today, here's some actress I'm sure he knows. Have a nice day, everyone!

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