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Star WHAT: 15 Star Wars Stories Way Too Weird To Appear On-Screen

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Star WHAT: 15 Star Wars Stories Way Too Weird To Appear On-Screen

The Star Wars universe is a strange place. After all, this is a galaxy inhabited by giant space slugs, space teddy bears, and even space velociraptors. Oh, you don’t remember seeing giant talking space raptors in the Star Wars films? Well, it turns out that despite being filled to the brim with oddball characters, there are just some aspects of the Star Wars universe that are far too weird for the big screen. While the Star Wars movies and TV shows have certainly featured some strange situations (we’re looking at you, Star Wars Holiday Special), the extensive library of Star Wars comics have featured some truly bizarre story lines.

RELATED: Luke Skywalker: 15 Dark Secrets Even Diehard Fans Never Knew

With everything from the aforementioned space raptors, to zombie Gungans, to hilariously named clones of Luke Skywalker, the Star Wars comics have seen it all. Sure, with Disney’s acquisition of the Star Wars media empire, most of these comics have been written out of canon. But you can never forget these bizarre, out there, and just plain weird stories. But despite how memorable these characters and stories are, the House Of Mouse likely isn’t eager to bring them to the big screen. So join CBR as we take a look back over the years and bring you the definitive list of Star Wars comic book stories WAY TOO WEIRD to appear on-screen.

15. DARTH VADER DINES WITH SENTIENT SPACE RAPTORS

Star Wars Space Raptors

The Star Wars universe is filled to bursting with wild and wonderful creatures. From the mighty Wookies to the scheming Hutts, Star Wars has introduced alien species that have become synonymous with the sci-fi genre. But for every interesting, beloved Star Wars alien species, you get a silly, utterly confusing Star Wars alien species. Case in point: the Ssi-ruu, the species of sentient space raptors. And thanks to comics, we got to see Darth Vader have a formal diplomatic dinner with said sentient space raptors.

In Star Wars: Empire #31, Darth Vader visits the Ssi-ruu inhabited plant of Tiss’shari to meet with Si-Di-Ri, the planet’s President. Unfortunately, Vader’s visit comes at an inopportune time, as the President is busy warding off assassination attempts. Of course, this is all just set dressing to watch articulate space raptors argue politics while Darth Vader hangs out. The Star Wars movies have seen some weird aliens, but we think the Ssi-ruu, and this story, are just far too weird for the big screen.

14. MACE WINDU AND YODA: PULP FICTION

Star Wars Force Fiction

Star Wars does an excellent job of mixing the serious with the absurd. After all, where else can you see a space smuggler team up with a giant teddy bear and fight a warlord space slug? But the films primarily avoided going too crazy, preferring to keep the story grounded. The Star Wars comics, however, had no problem going a little silly from time to time, which brings us to Force Fiction.

Appearing in Star Wars Tales #7, Force Fiction serves as a parody of Pulp Fiction, starring Mace Windu and Yoda. The two Jedi Masters eat fast food (with Mace ordering a “double with cheese,” naturally), debate training Anakin, and Yoda uses his force powers to convince the waitress to comp their meal. This non-cannon tongue-in-cheek movie parody brought plenty of laughs, but seeing stoic Jedi warriors chowing down on burgers in an homage to Quentin Tarantino would be far too strange for the big screen.

13. THE ADVENTURES OF MASTER SOON BAYTES

Star Wars Master Soon Baytes

Star Wars is no stranger to suggestive names. We’re looking at you, Kitt Fisto. But ultimately, the franchise prefers to keep the alien names in the PG neighborhood. Clearly, the creator of Jedi Master Soon Baytes did not get this memo. That’s right… his name is Master Baytes.

Introduced in Jedi Council: Acts of War #2, the hilariously named Master Baytes was a member of the Jedi Council, fighting alongside Yoda and company. He was renowned for his serious attitude, and his tendency to allow his emotions to control his actions. By the time of the Clone Wars, Baytes would become a respected Jedi Master, eventually being rubbed out (sorry, we couldn’t resist) in battle at the hands of General Grievous. Baytes was an important character in the Jedi Council, but good luck convincing Disney to bring Master Baytes to the silver screen.

12. LEIA PUTS ON A SHOW TO STOP ALIEN TEDDY BEAR PUBERTY

Star Wars Princess Leia

For a headstrong, fearless Princess and Rebellion leader, Princes Leia sure has found herself in plenty of humiliating situations. After all, this is the same Princess Leia that was forced to don a metal bikini and choke a giant space slug to death. But, according to the Star Wars comics, this wasn’t the only time Leia had to don a revealing outfit. And when Leia broke back out the metal bikini top in the comics, it was to stop an alien teddy bear from going through puberty.

In Marvel’s Star Wars #77, Luke and the gang end up on a planet populated by an alien species that undergoes a puberty that turns the normally adorable creatures into giant beasts. As Luke hunts for intel concerning a new Imperial superweapon, Leia is forced to stand in for the singer in a bar, lest the aliens get angry and Hulk out. Unfortunately, Leia’s outfit is clearly a little too stimulating, as one of the Lahsbees proceeds to become so aroused at the sight of Leia that he undergoes puberty and becomes a giant rage creature. This adventure was far from Leia’s proudest.

11. PRINCESS LEIA AND DARTH VADER BATTLE OVER A BANK LOAN

Star Wars #48

Forget the epic lightsaber duels. Forget the white-knuckle dogfights. No, what Star Wars really want is intense, edge of your seat bank loan negotiations. At least, that’s what Marvel thought when they released Star Wars #48, allowing readers to follow the blistering action of Leia pursuing a loan for the Rebellion.

As the Empire blows up X-Wings like its their job, Leia heads to a planet of bankers in search of a handout to buy more starships. What follows is a silly story seeing Leia use the priceless Crown Jewels of Alderaan as collateral for the loan, only for Vader to show up with an assassin that looks like Space Dracula, cut a robot banker in half, and then steal Leia’s jewels, preventing Leia from securing a loan. No word on whether Disney plans to release comics showing Leia trying to pay the Rebellion’s power bill or to negotiate a better price for a bulk order of X-Wing pilot jumpsuits.

10. HAN SOLO TEAMS UP WITH A GREEN SPACE RABBIT

Star Wars Han Solo and Jaxxon

Han Solo is no stranger to doing business with some shady characters. As such, Han barely blinks when confronted with some of the wilder species of the Star Wars universe; after all, when you spend your days running from a giant slug and fighting the Empire, nothing phases you anymore. So while Han Solo barely batted an eye when he met Jaxxon, the same could not be said of readers; after all, Star Wars is weird, but a green space rabbit mercenary is a new level.

First appearing in Marvel’s Star Wars #8, Jaxxon was a smuggler that traveled the galaxy in his ship, the Rabbit’s Foot. Jaxxon would be enlisted by Han, along with six other individuals, to defend the planet of Aduba-3 from raiders. This Seven Samurai send-up isn’t a bad story by any means, but this Bucky O’Hare wannabe makes the whole thing way too weird for the big screen. As such, expect Jaxxon and his adventures to stay far, far away from the silver screen.

9. LUKE FIGHTS HIS EVIL CLONE, LUUKE

Star Wars Luke Skywalker vs Luuke Skywalker

Read that title again. No that isn’t a typo. Before Disney came along and shook everything up, the Star Wars Extended Universe was home to some pretty silly stories. Case in point: Luke Skywalker’s evil clone, Luuke Skywalker.

The story goes that Darth Vader recovered Luke’s lopped off hand after the events of The Empire Strikes Back, with the hand subsequently ending up with a mad Jedi named Joruus C’baoth, who used the hand to create a clone of the intergalactic hero. The clone was then given Jedi training and sent off to find Luke and turn the Jedi to the Dark Side. Luke and Luuke eventually fought, with the OG Luke besting his hilariously named clone in battle. This story, told in Dark Horse’s Star Wars: The Last Command, had potential, and a clone Luke is a fun idea, but with a name as ridiculous as “Luuke,” this tale is just far too weird for the movies.

8. REBEL PILOT GETS MEASLES, ALLOWS LUKE TO SAVE THE DAY

Star Wars Jal Te Gniev

During the infamous Battle of Yavin, Luke Skywalker switched off his targeting computer and used the force to shoot a proton torpedo down the Death Star’s thermal exhaust port. destroying the Empire’s greatest weapon and cementing himself as a hero to the Rebellion. But according to the comics, Luke wasn’t supposed to be flying in the Battle of Yavin; in fact, it was only due to a bad case of the measles that Luke got to fly that X-Wing at all.

In Star Wars: Vader’s Quest, fans were introduced to Jal Te Gniev, a hot-shot Rebel pilot that was scheduled to partake in the Battle of Yavin. Unfortunately, Gniev was sidelined with the measles when the time came to deploy, allowing young Luke Skywalker to use Gniev’s X-Wing to go out and save the day. Gniev became a bitter drunk, obsessed with the idea that Luke had robbed him of his “fate” of destroying the Death Star. We just don’t think the story of Luke saving the day thanks to a viral infection would work too well on the big screen.

7. THE EWOKS HEAL THEIR SICK WITH A CRYING MOUNTAIN

Star Wars Mount Sorrow

The forest planet of Endor is one of the most fondly remembered locales in the Star Wars universe; after all, with its tree top villages and never-ending forests, the planet was striking from the moment it first appeared in Return of the Jedi. But according to a bizarre Ewoks comic, Endor isn’t exclusively trees; in fact, Endor is home to a perpetually crying mountain.

In Ewoks #7, an Ewok named Teebo contracts a “laughing spell,” which causes the Ewok to pull pranks on his friends. Thankfully, the Ewok Shaman Logray recalled a local legend concerning Mount Sorrow, a sentient mountain that is said to cry healing tears. But it turned out that Mount Sorrow doesn’t just hand out tears; rather, Mount Sorrow will only cry on those it deems worthy. Being a comic based on the huggable Ewoks, Mount Sorrow learns the power of friendship and heals Teebo, but not before attempting to murder some children. Expect Mount Sorrow to stay well away from the movies.

6. A JEDI TRICERATOPS WITH A BEARD

Star Wars Master Thon

With the Ssi-ruu running around, a normal person might stop and think “Okay, that’s probably enough space dinosaurs in Star Wars.” But someone within the Star Wars writers pool clearly did not feel the same way, as Star Wars fans were later introduced to yet another space dinosaur in the Star Wars universe; and, in a head-scratching twist, this space dinosaur was a Jedi Master.

First appearing in Star Wars: Tales Of The Jedi #3, readers were introduced to Thon, a Tchuukthai elder that wielded force powers. Despite essentially being a triceratops with a beard, Master Thon played in integral role behind the scenes during the Great Sith War. Thon trained apprentices, took on advisory roles in high profile Jedi battles, and even aided in the evacuation of a planet, effectively saving thousands. Not bad for a beard-clad space dinosaur! But despite Master Thon’s importance, this weird character and his story could never work on the big screen.

5. THE SEDUCTION OF JABBA THE HUTT

Star Wars Princess Nampi

There a lot of words you could used to describe Jabba The Hutt. Gross. Repulsive. Odious. Super icky. But probably not “HAWT.” While we may not see the appeal of a slimy space slug, there is at least one person in the Galaxy that sees Jabba as a total hunk, and we got an entire story about it thanks to comics.

In Jabba The Hutt: The Hunger Of Princess Nampi, Jabba is captured by Princess Nampi, a disgusting slug creature. Nampi demands Jabba surrender his treasure to the Princess, to which Jabba refuses. Clearly, this refusal gets Nampi all hot and bothered, as Nampi opts to copulate with Jabba’s right hand man, Scuppa. Unfortunately, for Princess Nampi’s species, this means ingesting the male. Once Nampi has swallowed up Scuppa, she invites Jabba to join her in the boudoir to bump disgusting space slug parts. Jabba politely declines and blows Nampi up, escaping with the Princess’ treasure. Movie viewers aren’t eager to watch Jabba fight off the ladies, so this story will stay far, FAR away from the movies.

4. TWO WORDS: ZOMBIE GUNGANS

Star Wars Zombie Gungans

Star Wars is like pizza and potato chips; on paper, it sounds like a ridiculous combination, but somehow, it works. The Star Wars universe is no stranger to the living dead at this point, with several novels being penned detailing everything from zombie Storm Troopers to zombie Wookies. But the Star Wars comics gave us one zombified Star Wars species just too bizarre for the big screen: zombie Gungans.

Yes, the legendarily obnoxious alien species that spawned Jar Jar Binks got the zombie treatment in Star Wars: Republic #51 after an unlucky group of Gungans were bombed with an experimental new gas being tested by the Separatists. Unfortunately, the gas doesn’t just kill the aliens; it brings them back from the dead. Cue a ragtag band of Jedi and Bounty Hunters fighting the walking dead Gungans. Sure, zombies are all the rage these days, but movie-going audiences probably aren’t quite ready for a flesh-eating Jar Jar just yet!

3. HAN SOLO MEETS INDIANA JONES (AFTER HE’S DEAD)

Star Wars Indiana Jones and Han Solo

When it comes to roguish adventurers, there are two characters that set the bar: Han Solo and Indiana Jones. Quick with a quip and even quicker with a punch, these heroes have become synonymous with the rugged rogue character archetype. Coincidentally, both characters are played by Harrison Ford and were created by George Lucas. Despite this, the two beloved characters have never met. Except they kinda have in the comics; unfortunately, the crossover happened after Han had been dead for a hundred years.

In this non-cannon story, appearing in Star Wars Tales #19Han and Chewie crash the Millennium Falcon on Earth, where they are ambushed by Indians. Han catches one too many arrows and bleeds to death on his ship. Fast forward 126 years, and we find intrepid adventurer Indiana Jones searching the area for the legendary Sasquatch (who is, in actuality, Chewbacca, still kicking after all these years), only to stumble upon Han’s skeleton. Indy remarks the skeleton feels somehow familiar, and opts to leave it, and Chewy, alone. Depressing and totally weird, there is no way this story will ever make its way to the movies.

2. JAR JAR’S DAD, THE SUICIDAL ALIEN WHALER

Star Wars George R Binks

There are some aspects of life that we all know to be true: water is wet, the sky is blue, and Jar Jar Binks is the worst. This obnoxious comedy relief character is universally reviled for his annoying speech pattern, his generally unfunny nature, and his all around terribleness. But it turns out Star Wars fans aren’t the only ones that despise Jar Jar; according to a non-cannon Star Wars comics, Jar Jar’s own father feels the very same way.

Appearing in the Tony Millionaire-penned “George R. Binks” in Star Wars Tales #20, George R. Binks was a successful whaler stuck in an unhappy marriage, perpetually embarrassed by his son Jar Jar’s ineptitude. On a sailing trip with his family, Jar Jar’s antics cause the ship to crash, stranding the family on a deserted island. As George watches his son screw up again and again, he puts a gun to his head and contemplates suicide, only for his wife to tell George to think of his son… causing George to pull the trigger. Darkly hilarious, this oddball story will definitely not make it into the movies.

1. SKIPPY THE FORCE-SENSITIVE DROID SAVES THE UNIVERSE

Star Wars Skippy

The Star Wars universe has shown that the force can manifest in the most unexpected of places. After all, this is the universe where a beard-sporting triceratops can rise to the rank of a Jedi Master. But according to one non-cannon Star Wars comic tale, there is one force user that is responsible for pointing Luke toward his destiny of saving the universe, who died without ever receiving proper credit: Skippy, the force sensitive Droid.

In Star Wars Tales #1, readers are introduced to Skippy, a little R5-D4 droid that is able to use the force. After being picked up by Jawas, Skippy is lined up in the same droid auction as R2-D2 and C3P0. Using his force powers, Skippy convinces Obi-Wan to purchase him, but the droid has a vision of a bleak future in which R2 is destroyed, Leia’s distress message is never received, and Luke and Obi-Wan die on Tatooine. Realizing that Luke must fulfill his destiny, Skippy uses his force powers to short himself out and force 3PO to convince Luke to buy 3PO and R2.

Which of these super weird Star Wars stories would you want to see on the big screen? And which are you glad will never make it there?

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