As if the White House doesn’t have enough to worry about between the debt-ceiling debate, Cabinet confirmations and contentious efforts to stem gun violence, now it has to contend with the sneering condescension of the Galactic Empire.
Last week the Obama administration denied a petition to build a Death Star by 2016, with Paul Shawcross of the White House Office of Management and Budget explaining to the 34,435 signees that not only would a moon-sized space station be cost-prohibitive — $850,000,000,000,000,000, by one estimate — but that the super-weapon has an obvious design flaw that’s already been exploited on two occasions. On top of that, the administration doesn’t really condone the destruction of planets.
Now, through the official Star Wars blog, the gloating representatives of the Emperor have responded, hailing the unwillingness of the United States to construct a Death Star as confirmation of “the overwhelming military superiority of the Galactic Empire.” The press release, from Galactic Empire Public Relations on Coruscant, refers to Earth as a “tiny, aggressive planet.”
“It is doubtless that such a technological terror in the hands of so primitive a world would be used to upset the peace and sanctity of the citizens of the Galactic Empire,“ Gov. Wilhuff Tarkin is quoted as saying. “Such destructive power can only be wielded to protect and defend by so enlightened a leader as Emperor Palpatine.” The release continues:
Representatives on behalf of the nation-state leader from the unimaginatively named planet refused to acknowledge the obvious cowardice of their choice, preferring instead to attribute the decision to fiscal responsibility. “The costs of construction they cited were ridiculously overestimated, though I suppose we must keep in mind that this miniscule planet does not have our massive means of production,” added Admiral Conan Motti of the Imperial Starfleet.
Emissaries of the Emperor also caution any seditious elements within the Galactic Senate not to believe Earth’s exaggerated claims of there being a weakness in the Death Star design. “Any attacks made upon such a station — should one ever be built — would be a useless gesture,” added Motti.
Representatives of Alderaan could not be reached for comment.
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