We all look up to superheroes; they have great strength, courage, morals and always manage to save the day. However, most superheroes’ personal lives leave a lot to be desired, and their sex lives are even worse. In both the Marvel and DC universes, it feels like everyone has slept with everyone, and not all of those “interactions” were perfect. Be it because of their unfortunate personal lives or their strange, body-affecting powers, there are a few superheroes you just wouldn’t want to sleep with, and some you wouldn’t even be able to!
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Now, you might have never thought about your favorite superhero’s sex life before, but allow us to ruin their image for you — though the comics have done their fair share of ruining as well. The main concern with the sex lives of superheroes is superpowers. Be it a physical mutation or just too much strength, any partner to a superhero would definitely be taking a personal risk by sleeping with them. Freaks and brutes alike, these 16 superheroes are people who you would never want to sleep with. Seriously, folks, this one is gonna get a bit gross, so (pardon the term) strap in.
16. THE THING
After Ben and the other members of the Fantastic Four were exposed to cosmic radiation, they gained extraordinary powers. However, Ben got a raw deal, his great strength and durability coming at the cost of his appearance. The Cosmic radiation turned Ben Grimm into The Thing, every part of his body changed into orange rock. If that name wasn’t already suggestive enough, countless of people have made jokes or asked questions about The Thing’s… well, thing. Perhaps the most (in)famous example of this was in the now-classic scene starring Stan lee in Kevin Smith’s Mallrats.
For most of his comics career, Ben has been in a relationship with Alicia Masters, a blind sculptor. Alicia’s lack of sight made her a great character and partner for Ben, as she saw people for who they are, not how they look. However, as heartwarming as this is, it doesn’t answer the question of how the two of them… ya know. To paraphrase Mallrats‘ Brodie, is every part of his body really orange rock?
15. NEGATIVE MAN
On a similar note to The Thing, Negative Man’s powers/unique “body” raises quite a few suggestive questions. There have been a few Negative Men and Women, but we’ll stick with the original, Larry Trainor. A founding member of the Doom Patrol, Larry was once a pilot who was exposed to radiation while testing a plane. The radiation made Larry himself radioactive and gave him the ability to project a spirit of negative energy from his body.
To protect others from his radioactivity, Larry was forced to wear specially treated bandages. So what does this mean for intimacy? Well, for one thing, his negative spirit is somewhat mindless, so trying to sleep with it might be both dangerous and difficult. And second, since Larry is radioactive, taking off the bandages around his nether regions wouldn’t be too smart.
14. THE HUMAN TORCH
Like his friend and fellow member of The Fantastic Four, Johnny Storm’s powers seem like they might affect those close to him. Of course, unlike The Thing, Johnny can turn off his powers, but that doesn’t mean his love life is perfect. Are his powers triggered by stress-response, a high heart rate and the like? That would seem to be the case when he was attacked by Paibok and Lyja, a couple of formidable Skrulls, which ended with Johnny going nova and burning down part of Empire State University. Does he have similar trouble controlling his powers when aroused?
Whatever way you put it, Johnny’s lucky he has his charm and good looks, since his performance in bed might actually be a disaster. Could you imagine the burning? We’re not talking about a burn scar on your arm or something, sex with Johnny Storm could mean some sever lower region burns, yikes.
13. PLASTIC MAN
Plastic Man was one of the first comedic superheroes, using his stretchy powers and wacky nature to bring humor to action comic stories. Over the years, Plastic Man’s off-the-walls stretching morphed (pun intended) into shapeshifting, which itself got more and more ridiculous throughout his superhero career. With his elastic-like abilities, Plastic Man can shift his body into nearly any shape he can imagine.
Now, some might think this would be an advantage in bed, able to do just about anything with his partner with his shapeshifting abilities. However, two things would make him the worst. The first is that he’s too much of a wacky weirdo, and thus he’d probably go for the joke rather than satisfaction for him and his partner. And second, his plastic-like skin might result in some, shall we say, uncomfortable chafing.
This one is pretty self-explanatory, since Rogue can’t touch anyone without hurting them. The southern belle mutant has the ability to steal the memories, abilities and/or powers of anyone she touches, causing physical pain depending on how long she touches them. Again, pretty self-explanatory as to why this would suck for intimacy, but there’s more to it than that.
Since Rogue has had an on and off relationship with fellow X-Man Gambit, we’ve got a couple of questions. Did their intimacy involve some sort of elaborate full-body “protection”? And did they do it without kissing or touching? That must be awkward. And what about foreplay? Did Gambit risk the pain for a little pleasure? Heck, even when Rogue finally gained control over her powers, she must’ve had some deep-seeded intimacy issues having gotten used to not touching others.
11. DR. MANHATTAN
Remember that part in Watchmen where Dr. Manhattan and Silk Spectre are starting to get down and dirty, when all of a sudden a second set of arms comes into the mix? Yeah, imagine that and other weird sci-fi stuff all the time. After an experiment gone wrong, Dr. Manhattan gained the powers of a god, able to manipulate matter and energy on an atomic level. One might think this would also make him a god in bed, but as we’ve seen, it’s not always the greatest thing.
For one thing, Dr. Manhattan finds himself losing touch with humanity, resulting in things like using duplicates of himself to both work and please his lover at the same time, meaning he’s not the most focused lover. The lack of humanity might also result in some strange and unexpected things in bed, his powers making things stranger by the second.
Piotr Rasputin can of course turn off his metallic appearance, but his powers do leave us with some NSFW questions. If even his hair turns metal, does that mean that “little Colossus” does too? And like the Human Torch, the comics don’t exactly specify if his control over his powers change with an increased heart rate or sexual arousal. Sure, some ladies might like his, *ahem* “hard as steel” physicality, but think about the side-effects.
For one thing, the metal would definitely hurt after a while, not to mention how cold it might be. Heck, think of how heavy he would be! Colossus definitely couldn’t be on top, and even as a bottom, all the movements and his metal body must have broken a few of Kitty Pryde’s beds. There’s definitely a lot of risk that comes with sleeping with this metal-skinned mutant.
9. THE ENTIRE LEGION OF SUPERHEROES
The Legion of Superheroes will very proudly boast that they have a member of every alien race amongst their ranks. Take this as you will, but some of these aliens are just plain weird, and their powers are even weirder. The mainstay members are bad enough; Superman (we’ll get to him), Brainiac 5, Bouncing Boy and even Lighting Lad all come with their own risks as sexual partners.
Then, we get into some of the weirdos, like Matter-Eater Lad, Element Lad, Chemical King, Infectious Lass and Shrinking Violet/Virus. If those names weren’t enough to scare you away, consider the fact that we are not privy to the information regarding the nether regions of these aliens, and if they match humans at all. Crazy powers and alien origins might make the Legion of Superheroes stronger as a team, but their love lives must be strangely complicated. Now think about them all in an orgy! *shudder*
Wolverine has had a lot of relationships in his many years, but who’s to say if those relationships were any good. We are, we say they probably sucked. For one thing Most of Wolverine’s lovers tend to die pretty quickly after falling in love with him, and for another, people forget just how old Wolverine is. It’s possible that Logan learned to “court” women in a time where that meant stalking followed by proposal.
Of course that’s just on the dating end of things. When it comes to intimacy, we hope Wolverine isn’t as animalistic as he is in battle. Sure, some people might like an “animal in bed,” so to speak, but Wolverine is known to be a ravenous berserker whenever he’s set off, and he get’s set off a lot. It’s not crazy to think his claws might come out in bed, not exactly safe for his partner.
Why doesn’t anyone ever talk about the fact that Cyborg just walks around naked all the time? Seriously, if the cybernetics are part of his body, then the Teen Titan turned Justice Leaguer is just hanging out in the nude. Then again, its not like he’s got anything… hanging out so to speak. After an accident that left him on the verge of death, Victor Stone was saved by his father, who outfitted him with metal cybernetics to replace his missing body parts.
However, one question that must be asked after this transformation is what happened to Victor’s privates? It might be gross, and it might ruin a beloved character to ask, but seriously what happened to Cyborg down there? Is he like a metal Ken doll or is there like, a compartment that opens up? Does… Does he have an attachment? It’s actually a little disturbing to think about.
6. THE HULK
This one shouldn’t surprise anyone knowing the nature of the Hulk. While we all know the line “you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry,” the thing that triggers Bruce Banner’s transformation in the Hulk ins’t anger, it’s a raised heart-rate. The Hulk is essentially a very extreme version of human adrenaline, thus making most physical activities dangerous, including intimacy. This is even seen in The Incredible Hulk, in which Bruce wears a heart rate monitor that prevents him from sleeping with Betty.
But hey, maybe giant green muscle monsters are your thing, and you’re actually attracted to the Hulk, even then you run into some problems. For one thing, size, and we’re not just talking about his height. Everything would be way too big to handle. Further, since Hulk is the embodiment of anger, it’s safe to say that he might be an overly aggressive lover.
5. MARTIAN MANHUNTER
At first glance, Martian Manhunter might seem like the perfect sexual partner; he can shapeshift into any form you find attractive, can change the size and shape of his “manhunter,” has telekinesis for crazy positions and moves and he can read your mind to find out exactly what you want in bed. Seems like the dream man and/or woman, doesn’t he? Well, think again, pervert!
Being an alien, J’onn J’onzz has learned to blend in to Earth society, but he’s still a bit uneducated in certain social nuances. Dating and intimacy would be the specific problems Jon’s lovers might run into. The guy loves Earth television, and learned how to act like a human from it, meaning all of his dating and sex advice comes from very unrealistic interpretations of relationships and intimacy. Plus, who even knows what equipment he’s packing; and even if he can shapeshift it into something more human, what happens when he reaches climax?
Much like her Hulkish cousin, Jennifer Walters’ main issue with intimacy has to do with her massive size and strength. There’s nothing wrong with a tall and muscular woman, she’s even considered to be one of the hottest superheroines by many, but it must be hard to hold back her strength in bed. We’ve seen Jennifer’s many sexual conquests and some of them have gone a little crazy.
Two specifically come to mind, Hercules and Juggernaut. Both have superhuman strength and durability, and we saw just how freeing that was for both parties, resulting in broken beds, floors and walls. However, if She-Hulk has that kind of, shall we say potential, then how much is she holding back with less durable humans, or is she holding back at all? Either way, she’s clearly good in bed since the lawyer/hulk definitelyloves to get down!
3. THE FLASH
One of the hackiest and easiest jokes that comic book geeks tend to make in regards to the Flash is that he’s the “fastest man alive.” But, bad jokes aside, there is some truth to this idea. Barry Allen has gone through bouts of depression due to his inability to connect with others. This lack of closeness stems from his speed. Barry’s mind runs incredibly fast and he’s used to moving at near light-speeds, so everyone else around him seems too slow and boring to him.
For this reason, it’s actually not that far-fetched that Barry might want to “get right to the point” when sleeping with someone. Further, the isolation he feels from his speed would definitely result in some intimacy issues — poor Iris! Then again, Barry can vibrate with his speed… hmm, maybe he shouldn’t be on this list after all!
Spider-Man: Homecoming? More like Spider-Man: Homecu… nope, sorry, we’re gonna cut that terrible joke short before it happens. If that joke didn’t ruin Spider-Man for you, then get ready for some gross details about Peter Parker’s sex life. First of all, does he mate like an actual spider (it’s gross, look it up) or does he have some sort of weird mutation down there? Furthermore, there’s the matter of his genetic material.
In one of the most controversial, and absurdly dark comic book storylines, Spider-Man: Reign, we learn some interesting things about Peter’s powers. The story took place in an alternate Earth future in which Mary Jane was dead and Peter Parker has retired. We later learned that Peter’s bodily fluids, including his semen, were radioactive, and that Mary’s Jane’s exposure during intimacy caused her to develop cancer and die. Seriously… what the f***.
At last we come to the worst lover in all of comic books, Superman. While Superman has of course had a long-standing relationship with Lois Lane, and for a time, Wonder Woman, a lot of evidence points to the fact that he would be a rather dangerous lover to have. The most obvious reason is that Superman is powered by the sun and thus has infinite strength. That kind of strength doesn’t seem like it could be precisely controlled. Seriously, it’s a mystery how Lois has survived in bed for so long, or how she gave birth to a Super-son, regardless of whether Clark was depowered at the time!
There’s even a problem with Superman sleeping with other superhumans, since two superpowered gods doing it would sound and feel like Earth-shattering tremors. Honestly, did it just seem like the Earth is about to explode whenever Supes and Wonder Woman got down to business?
Which other superheroes would be downright perilous between the sheets? Let us know in the comments!
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