You ever notice how in comics, whenever someone gets a seduction power, they’re already pretty attractive? It’s a golden parachute, as if to say just in case someone doesn’t find Daken’s indiscriminate tongue hot, or Starfox’s vague resemblance to Jon Hamm derivative, or Gambit’s accent “not remotely resembling Cajun,” they get thrown a secondary seduction power to guarantee that they’ll get laid. Not everyone gets to have sensual superpowers, like one-arming crushes on rides through the air as they recite weird poetry to themselves or making out upside down with redheads in the rain. Sometimes, superpowers suck. Whether its because of cursed genitalia, or a power set that hinges on celibacy, the following 15 characters have the worst love lives in comics.
At the risk of sounding judgmental while we judge fictional characters, “worst” can be interpreted as “most tragic” or “most horrible.” For the former, the character in question has a love life rife in tragedy, ostensibly denied happiness, forever. The latter, however, just have some of the most unfortunate kinks we’ve ever seen… and we’re on the Internet. Sure, we’re big believers of doing whatever floats your Bat-Boat, but the line must be drawn somewhere. Entries are ranked based primarily on how much each character made us thankful to be individuals with (relatively) normal love lives.
15. THE BRAIN AND MONSIEUR MALLAH
The Brain, a brain in a jar in a murdered-out Robotman body, confesses his love for Monsieur Mallah, a genius gorilla, embracing in 1990’s Doom Patrol #34 by Grant Morrison and Richard Case. As they kiss however, Brain’s sentient body self-detonates, vaporizing one of the first openly gay couples in comics. Sexually frustrated, Brain transfers his consciousness into a shabby clone. As the clone deteriorates, Mallah violently rips his lover’s head off to preserve The Brain in 2006’s Teen Titans #37.
Furthermore, brains have no pain receptors, so Brain can’t even feel all 1.25 inches of Mallah. Fortunately, Brain doesn’t feel anything when Gorilla Grodd uses him to beat Mallah to death in Salvation Run #4, killing Brain in the process. Dying, Mallah claims that he’s happy they can finally be together… assuming that Gorilla-Hell and Human-Hell overlap, of course.
14. KING SHARK
Despite being the result of a lady banging a Shark God, King Shark is just some guy that looks like a shark. James Gordon Jr. postulates that, “King Shark is still a virgin, I think” during 2013’s Suicide Squad #20 by Ales Kot and Patrick Zircher. Waller confirms by tricking King Shark with a robot disguised as a prostitute (prosti-bot?), who calls Shark a beautiful freak before being devoured. Gordon notes: “Do you see that? He’s crying while chewing. Shark wanted all of it to be true.”
Incidentally, if King Shark is anything like a shark, his skin is too sharp to grind up on. Likewise, the prosti-bot is loaded with enough “electricity” to make King Shark pee blood for weeks, which to be fair is a pretty authentic part of the whole purchasing sex experience… or so we’ve been told.
The poster child for crappy mutant powers, the X-Men’s Rogue is imbued with a power-draining touch that originally manifested during puberty. Being a hormone-overloaded teenager surrounded by classmates in bright, tight spandex who you cannot touch is unfortunate, but Rogue finds ways around her power-drain, from dating someone with high endurance like Power Man to getting into BDSM with Gambit. Seriously, Rogue’s bondage experience allows her to break out of the Red Skull’s base in Uncanny Avengers.
Even when her powers are deactivated, however, Rogue expresses just the worst taste in men, hooking up with Magneto in X-Men Legacy #249, but also in Age of Apocalypse and Age of X. Girl, overlooking the age gap, you know he’s the main villain, right? It’s one thing to date a “bad boy” like Gambit, but Magneto is next level evil!
12. FIN FANG FOOM
The result of a mama alien-dragon messing around with “suggestively-shaped piles of nuclear waste,” Fin Fang Foom, the alien from Kakaranathara (aka Maklu IV, thankfully) was born with “absolutely no genitalia whatsoever!” according to 2006’s Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. #1 by Warren Ellis and Stuart Immonen. “Burning with the need to mate since 1956!” We feel ya, fam.
Fin Fang Foom takes these frustrations out by rampaging in proper kaiju-fashion, making his intentions well-known when he manages to grab the character Tabitha, saying, “Fin Fang Foom put you in his pants.” Oh, yeah Triple-F wears purple underpants, despite having Ken doll parts. Now, technically Nextwave exists in its own pocket universe, but be aware that canonical Foom used to be the Fantastic Four’s personal chef!
The result of an Eskimo goddess tricking some Canadian guy into sex, Snowbird was born a transmorph stuck between worlds. To save her, Shaman, the shaman, binds the baby to Earth, specifically Canada. If Snowbird leaves Canada’s borders, she will immediately start dying. On the plus side, Snowbird gets the best excuse to not fight opponents clearly out of her power tier. Alternatively, judging from how many Marvel events happen in NYC, Snowbird risks death just by attending.
When Snowbird is hyper-impregnated by her husband John Thompson in 1986’s Alpha Flight #35 by Bill Mantlo and David Ross, however, she loses control, morphing into a dope wolf-bird-lady. The Inuit Pantheon gets pissed, stripping Snowbird of her immortality while also making her infinitely more useful. Snowbird could not only now leave Canada’s borders, but also could also morph into specifically non-Canadian animals.
10. THE PLUTONIAN
Despite what you may think, in addition to the scientific paper “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex,” Superman bangs a lot of humans without vaporizing a single pelvis. For a more quote-unquote realistic depiction of Superman-sex, we have The Plutonian from Irredeemable by Mark Waid, Peter Krause and Diego Barretto. Literally every inch of The Plutonian is crazy strong, as even the strands of his hair are tough enough to double as a garrote. In order to get intimate with a teammate however, Plutonian has the magical Nahru Visna candle that when lit renders him mortal.
Super invulnerability aside, The Plutonian can’t even get a moment of romantic bliss, as his arch nemesis and proverbial Lex Luthor/Brainiac mash-up Modius takes the “nemesis mine” trope a step too far in Irredeemable #22, warging into The Plutonian’s ex-girlfriend in order to bang his greatest obsession.
ForgetMeNot is literally the least well-known member of the X-Men with the mutant power to be forgettable on a quantum level. Everyone forgets ForgetMeNot the instant they are no longer looking at him. While super-forgetfulness has its uses, as we discover ForgetMeNot is the unsung hero of the X-Men in 2014’s X-Men Legacy #300 by Simon Spurrier, Mike Carey and Christos N. Gage, it also makes ForgetMeNot super-lonely.
The sole individual to remember ForgetMeNot without use of a pre-set psychic alarm clark is Fantomex in 2014’s X-Force #10 by Simon Spurrier and Tang Eng Huat. Fanto explains how he remembers: “Oui. Heightened senses. Engineered brain. Whatever.” Even if you were to spend a night with ForgetMeNot, the second you look away you would question how this obscure X-Man got into your boudoir.
Given the most inconvenient mutant power ever, Wither has a disintegrating touch. Believing that he has been de-powered after M-Day, Wither excitedly touches his main crush Laurie’s wrist in 2006’s New X-Men #20 by Christopher Yost, Craig Kyle and Mark Brooks. To his horror, Wither discovers that he is still quite empowered as he turns Laurie’s arm into a mummy’s claw. No test touches on a rat or Cypher, Wither just pokes Laurie with the dumbest look on his face.
At least Rogue gets some Wonder Man action; Wither’s destructive touch yields no useful benefit outside of murder, which is why The Black Queen Selene recruits Wither to be her lover in New X-Men #32. Selene is immune to disintegration because she’s a vampire, which really makes zero sense considering how easy it is to dust vampires already even without death-touch powers.
Thanos crushes hard on Death, Marvel’s curvy skeletal incarnation of demise. We’re not knocking Goths, rather Thanos is just such a creep, pursuing Death even after she’s expressed that’s she’s just not into Thanos’ Infinity Gauntlet. Thanos tries to woo his boney bae with as many souls as possible, however it will never be enough for Death. Likewise, one cannot have life without death, so Thanos is in a bit of a tough spot, killing-wise.
Worse, Thanos keeps Death’s paramour Deadpool perpetually alive, “death-blocking” him in Deadpool vs. Thanos. Death even resurrects Thanos before making him un-killable in The Thanos Imperative, just so that he would leave her alone. Additionally, Thanos is like the only individual from Titan with purple skin and a Worf-chin. Everyone on Titan is basically human, with Thanos’ brother Starfox sometimes based off of John Hamm’s likeness.
6. TEK KNIGHT
On the opposite end of the loneliness spectrum we have, Tek Knight, The Boys‘ satirical Batman, who suffers from a sexual compulsion to uh, “extend his armor’s relief tube” into literally anything, from his male-faux-android teammate Mind Droid to his therapist’s hot coffee. Tek Knight even sends his preteen ward Laddio away on a hero’s quest/fool’s errand in fear of the next episode.
Tek Knight’s compulsion isn’t the kink we want, but it is the kink we need. When a planet-sized meteor with a proverbial “thermal exhaust port,” looms upon Earth, humanity’s hope rests in the loins of the only hero crazy enough to stick it into anything. Tek Knight sacrifices himself, bringing both himself and the meteor to an explosive climax. Except not really, this was all just the dying thoughts of Tek Knight, as the brain tumor responsible for his urges had reached critical mass.
After misinterpreting being rejected for being too short, the man who would be Codpiece becomes obsessed with overcompensating in 1993’s Doom Patrol #70 by Rachel Pollack and Scott Eaton. Codpiece is convinced that his package is why no one wants him, when it’s actually his personality. A well-informed prostitute suggests wearing some padding after pointing out: “Okay, so you’re a little small. But it takes all kinds, you know. If you didn’t get so hung up about it, I’m sure it would work fine.” Codpiece misunderstands, constructing a literal crotch cannon.
Surprisingly, Codpiece’s codpiece works. Sure, the codpiece is equipped with drill-bits, rockets, boxing gloves and energy blasts, but a random hottie asks “Do you give rides on that thing?” before Codpiece’s rampage. Ironically, the recoil from that cannon has to be smashing whatever “shortcomings” Codpiece had.
4. ODIN QUINCANNON
Nearly every character in Garth Ennis and Steve Dillon’s Preacher has some sort of kink, from Jesus DeSade’s insane parties, to T.C. preferring the company of animals. This entry, however, is devoted to the head of Quincannon Meats – The Meatman himself – Odin Quincannon and the secret of his private meat locker, introduced to us in “The Meatman Cometh” from Preacher #42. Call us prudes, but we believe that man was not meant to make loud, aggressively filthy love to a gigantic meat golem wearing a wig and lipstick.
After walking in on this abattoir of the soul, Jesse thankfully puts the racist septuagenerian Quincannon out of his misery with a boot to the neck, stating “This ain’t a mercy killin’, I’d sure like to know what is.” Odin goes out doing what he loved – humping a gargantuan nightmare-woman constructed out of processed animal parts.
3. THE DARKNESS
When he gains his demonic powers of The Darkness on midnight on his 21st birthday, Jackie Estacado learns that if sires a child, The Darkness will transfer to his offspring, killing Jackie instantly. Every individual sperm of Jackie is imbued with The Darkness, making non-vaginal intercourse and even contraceptives risky for a sex addict like Jackie. Incidentally, this drawback makes for some interesting death-traps, like when Angelus tries to seduce Jackie in The Darkness #3 by Garth Ennis and Mark Silvestri.
Angelus’ plan is to pick up her nemesis at the club, bang him to death, then kill their baby. Basically Talia al Ghul’s plan from The Dark Knight Rises, but in da club. To compensate, Jackie utilizes his Darkness powers to make his own fun. Given the nature of The Darkness, however, these pornographic constructs often turn into nightmares, spoiling the moment in hilarious fashion.
2. THE THING
It’s hard being Ben Grimm. When he unexpectedly meets Stan Lee in Mallrats, Brodie asks the important questions: “The Thing! Is his dork made out of orange rock like the rest of his body?” Stan Lee elaborates with Vanity Fair: “I never gave it a thought. I guess common sense would say it was made of orange rock too.” Apparently, The Thing was designed sans “thing.”
To highlight how terrible it is to be Ben Grimm, we have 1988’s “I Want To Die!” from Fantastic Four #311 by Steve Englehart and Keith Pollard, where Ms. Marvel (Sharon Carter) gets turned into a lady-Thing and immediately tries to kill herself with her surroundings. Sure, Sharon had been friends with Ben for months, but Uatu-forbid living a second in Ben’s shoes. Incidentally, Ultimate Thing also wants to kill himself, but has no idea if it’s possible.
1. SWAMP THING
Since it’s biologically impossible to have sex with him, Swamp Thing and his gf Abby perform the swamp-monster equivalent of sex in 1985’s Swamp Thing #34 by Alan Moore and Steve Bissette, which involves eating a tuber off of Swampy’s body that makes them trip absolute balls. Permanent Swamp-ass notwithstanding, Swamp Thing also non-consensually wargs into John Constantine in Hellblazer #10 to have sex with Abby.
Despite these sexual complications, however, Abby is arrested for sex crimes in 1986’s Swamp Thing #53 by Alan Moore and Jon Totlebem. Swamp Thing overruns Gotham, demanding his spouse’s release. After receiving a beatdown, Batman convinces Mayor Skowcroft: “I suggest you start rounding up all of the other non-human beings who may be having relationships outside their species…. You’ll probably have to arrest Hawkman… and Metamorpho…”
Can you think of another lousy love life of a lonesome lone wolf? Which superhero do you think has the worst kink? Let us know in the comments!
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