Where would we be without memes, right? We wouldn’t know how much better our Snapchats would be with a dancing hotdog. We wouldn’t know what the inner monologue of a Shiba Inu puppy sounds like. We wouldn’t have something to browse when we should be paying attention during this stupid “mandatory meeting” our boss has had us in for an hour…Wait, were they saying something important just now? Should we have been paying attention? Eh, never mind, memes are what matter.
And what could be more relatable than dating memes? Remember that “cheating boyfriend” image that took Twitter by storm? Or the classic “Overly Attached Girlfriend”? The search for lasting love is messy, and we take comfort in knowing other people are just as lost as we are. Maybe that’s why few things are funnier than imagining our larger than life heroes having to humble themselves by placing their profiles at the mercy of a left swipe. Or maybe we’re just overthinking silly images you’re hoping to giggle at during a bathroom break at the office. Either way, here are some of the best superhero dating memes the internet has to offer.
Right off the bat, we love that Magneto is using JDate. And we gotta give Eric props for actually using recent photos. We’ve all swiped right on a Fassbender only for them to turn out to be a McKellan, amirite? It’s worth noting that here his age is listed as simply “Old,” but if the X-Men movies themselves can’t even be bothered to keep track of how old Magneto is supposed to be at any given time, we can hardly hold a meme maker to a higher standard.
Highlights of this profile have to be Magneto’s misunderstanding of the “relocation” question, his apparent fondness for water polo, and his blunt honesty in describing his personality as “manipulative.” Gotta respect somebody who just puts the red flags upfront instead of hiding them behind Marilyn Monroe quotes or the term “friend zone.”
While it’s hard to believe that the big blue boy scout could be single, for all of Clark’s super senses, he’s not the best at picking up signals. So it makes sense that this socially awkward superhero would turn to Zoosk, mainly because he thought OKCupid had something to do with the Green Arrow villain.
Highlights of Clark’s profile include his “Perfect Match” section, including “alliteration in name” (Lois Lane, Lana Lang, etc.) and “super strong down there,” because apparently everyone has the same mindset about superhero bedroom lives as Banky in Mallrats. Worth noting, while Superman has a rule against movies with Lex Luthor actors Gene Hackman and Kevin Spacey, he doesn’t seem to have an issue with Jesse Eisenberg. That’s not because he made this profile before BvS. He just really likes Zombieland.
If you’re as confused as we are, don’t worry, we looked it up. Apparently “Goth Scene” is a real dating site, full of the kind of The Crow and The Craft cosplay your angsty ’90s heart would swoon over. So where else was Hellboy going to turn to find love? Amish Dating.com? That, by the way, is also real… and oddly counterintuitive.
Anyway, highlights of Hellboy’s profile include describing his “Hand of Doom” as his best feature, explicitly stating “No Nazis,” which in 2017 is turning into a more and more necessary note. Most importantly, he describes Abe Sapien as his pet “Fishman.” And if you’re wondering why Abe himself isn’t turning to online dating, it’s because if Guillermo Del Toro’s The Shape of Water has taught us anything, it’s that fish people get it on. They get it on good.
At first glance, this is an admirable attempt to imagine what a Bruce Wayne profile would look like. But stare long enough, and you fall down a rabbit hole. He mentioned the love of his life being burned, as depicted in The Dark Knight, but the Bruce shown above is Ben Affleck. Yet, his friends are the Dark Knight universe versions of Selina Kyle and Harvey Dent, suggesting Batfleck exists in the Dark Knight universe, as do Batman actor Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan, suggesting that the Dark Knight movies exist in this universe.
And then there’s the matter of John Kerry, who we’re meant to assume is also Secretary of State in this world, but that would mean Barack Obama is also president in the DCEU. But the president on the phone in BvS doesn’t sound like him, but rather actor Patrick Wilson. Wait, does the DCEU take place in an alternate universe where Kerry won in 2004? We give up…
Sure, most of these superhero dating profiles were made up by bored Redditors with too much time on their hands. But always one to be different, Deadpool’s profile wasn’t the work of an enthusiastic photoshopper hoping for karma. Instead, this was crafted by the actual movie’s marketing team.
Yep, that blue check mark means that that’s a genuine, verified Tinder profile for the Merc with a Mouth. Intended to market the oddball film to the lovelorn and lonely, you genuinely had the chance to swipe left or right on Wade Wilson (though, come on, who would swipe left?). We assume a successful match would just lead to ticket sales, but with Wade, who knows? After all, the dude likes to get down. You guys saw what he got up to on International Women’s Day…
10. MARTIN STEIN
Poor Martin Stein. Seemingly always the bridesmaid of the Legends of Tomorrow team, he just can’t seem to keep a man. First Ronnie Raymond and then Jefferson Jackson, it seems once again Dr. Stein is seeking a close companion to temper his burning desires.
But maybe, Marty, you need to focus on yourself first. Clearly, from your bio, you’re coming on a bit too strong. We’re not saying you need to get into the “Netflix and chill” lifestyle, but maybe a nice dinner and some pinot before you go headfirst into the whole “merging bodies” thing. Take the opportunity to make yourself #1. Next time, let yourself be the face of Firestorm. We believe in you, Marty. You’re never to old to find true… bodily cohabitation.
9. THE DOCTOR
Will there be people claiming The Doctor isn’t a superhero, despite him ostensibly checking off most of the same boxes as inarguable superhero Martian Manhunter? Sure, and to those people we say, Calm down. Will there be obsessive Tumblr users frantically downloading Tinder at the sight of this meme thinking that The Doctor is real and he’s using a dating site? To them we also say, Seriously, on all fronts, calm down. It’s just a joke.
We have to say, though, were The Doctor to use this profile, it would be a pretty cruel joke. John? C’mon, right off the bat, leading with an alter ego? And even worse, that bio? We get it, you like to travel. Next thing you know, it’s gonna talk about being a “sapiosexual” or “ethically non monogamous.” Cue the eye rolls. Oh, there’s also the matter of thinking you’re getting a slender British man and winding up with a blonde lady instead. There’s old pictures, and then there’s three regenerations old pictures, Doc.
8. BLACK WIDOW
Before you angrily rant in the comments that Black Widow’s “name is Natasha,” we’d like to point out that “Natasha” is actually the Slavic diminutive of the Late Latin name Natalia, so it’s technically accurate. Also, on the list of things to angrily rant over, superhero dating memes is pretty low. Just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Now, if you’re wondering what Anastasia Date is, it’s not a site for enthusiastic fans of Don Bluth’s supremely underrated, Disney-rivalling animated fantasy about the lost Russian princess. Rather, it’s a site devoted to “thrilling companionship” between wealthy North American men and young, attractive Eastern European women. How is it different than mail-order brides? Or possibly a tool for human trafficking? Look, the implications of this are a bit too heavy for a superhero site, let’s just giggle at the thought of Black Widow trying to cook.
7. WONDER WOMAN
There’s a lot to love about Wonder Woman’s profile. Props to her for tackling the absurd origin of the invisible jet right up front. That’s an awkward conversation to try and have over drinks at Union Pool. She’s straightforward about her very active lifestyle, and talks about her fondness for rope tricks (although whether that has frisky implications like it did with her creator Professor Marston is blissfully glazed over).
More importantly, it’s clear Wonder Woman knows what kind of man she wants. Like, exactly what particular man she wants. Looking for someone who’s single. Someone who’s a reporter. Someone invulnerable. Someone who’s Kryptonian. Come on, guys. It’s obvious she has the hots for Jimmy Olsen in the alternate universe story line JLA: The Nail.
6. DOCTOR DOOM
So, let’s say you match with one of these fine fictional honeys — how would you go about getting their number? A joke? A pick-up line? A go-to attempt to seem casually self-deprecating but also “different from the other ones” by saying something like, “Whelp, here’s hoping you don’t put too much emphasis on someone having a clever opening line”? Did we just show too much of our Tinder strategy?
Well, time to put aside such amateurish tactics and learn from a master. But why settle for some self-proclaimed “pick up king” when you could learn from the former ruler of all Battleworld and the known universe, Doctor Doom! With his handy guide, you’ll learn everything from tapping into your self-confidence to creating a horde of robot replicas. After all, everyone knows that Castle Doom is widely considered the Playboy Mansion of Latveria.
Ok, pal. We’ve got some real issues here with your choice of profile. First off, a polytheistic pagan deity on a Christian dating site seems like an odd choice, but that’s the least of our issues. Come on, he uses the name “Bighammer”? Really? Have a bit of class, Thor! Might as well just put “dtf” as the bio and be done with it. Blegh.
Also, for gender, he puts “So the hammer didn’t give it away?” So only dudes can wield the hammer? Buddy, you’re gonna be in for a shock in 2014, when you got replaced by Jane Foster! Not to mention, he’s clearly using a fake profile pic, because we saw that same image on a profile for a guy named Donald Blake. What a creep, right? We’re still gonna swipe right, because we’re weak, but what a creep.
4. CAPTAIN AMERICA
We know, shirtless pics are kinda tacky at this point. But hey, when you got it, flaunt it, right? And you gotta give Steve credit, lots of folks online lie about their age, but he’s upfront about it, and even uses it to segue into a dad joke. Come on, that’s pretty endearing.
Sure, he seems a little out of touch with the modern world, but hell, so is everybody in Portland. If he finds the right hipster, he’ll fit right in with the world of ironic mustaches, record players and old-timey pipes. He’s just gotta make sure that when he finds the right gal, she’s totally cool with him getting down with her yet unborn niece after she dies. It’s kind of his thing.
We feel for Peter here. It’s tough trying to date as a freelancer in Queens. Your schedule is inconsistent, so you have no luck with the 9 to 5 crowd. And everybody either wants to meet up in Manhattan, where everything is too expensive for a photographer’s salary, or in Brooklyn, which is a real pain to get to from Astoria since they stopped running the N train after 10pm for track work. Also, it’s way too far to web-swing.
Come on, ladies. Sure, he’s a bit too heavy-handed with the puns, and 35 is a bit too old to be living at home, even in this economy. But doesn’t he seem charming? Plus he probably knows some great date spots, like the NYPL, the Roosevelt Island tram… just avoid the George Washington Bridge if you can.
Presumably unable to find a dating site specifically for Daywalkers (though if there’s one specifically for farmers and clowns, why not, right?), Blade appears to have turned to Soul Singles with the intention of “chatting with single Black women.” Though, given his sullen nature, we’re willing to bet it would be a bit of a one-sided conversation.
Sure, it’s a little weird that he’s asking for someone “significantly younger… with great genes,” and we’re not sure he understands the common meaning of the term “interracial dating,” but overall he seems like a swell guy. He has his priorities straight, rarely drinks, doesn’t smoke. He does seem to have an issue with paying his taxes, but somehow we think that doesn’t have much to do with his vampiric nature…
1. DOCTOR MANHATTAN
So maybe after seeing all these superhero dating profiles, you’re thinking, “I should get back in the game.” So, you refresh your profile, add some new pics, spice up the bio, and start swiping again only to realize… you’ve seen them all before. There’s Jeremy, who still thinks he’s gonna become a “professional LAX player.” Brittany says she’s both not looking for anyone serious, and no hookups because she’s looking to settle down. There’s that very obviously fake profile that uses pictures of Selena Gomez to phish for credit card numbers, and you know some dumb putz has actually fallen for it.
Know that Doctor Manhattan understands. Desperate for a sense of connection and satisfaction he can’t seem to get from the familiar faces around him, he waits in silent solitude for some new spark of passion. See? You’re not alone. Well, technically you are, that’s why you’re on a dating site. Sorry to be a bummer.
Which of these profiles would you swipe right on? Let us know in the comments!
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