Accidents happen. Whether you’re suffering from IBS, placed your faith in the wrong fart or just ate a whole bag of olestra to fit into a new bikini, we’ve all proverbially rolled the dice playing craps with the great gastrointestinal tract of destiny, only to wind up with brown snake eyes. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying, or about to have an interesting day. Don’t feel ashamed though, because despite having unbreakable skin or being able to run faster than time itself, our favorite superheroes and villains have also had the runs at one point or another.
To qualify for this list, characters in question had to let it all out, getting caught in a dirty maelstrom of their own design. Any sort of bodily fluid counts, so long as the “soiler” suffers some self-inflicted splash damage in the process – even if they’re using it as a weapon. So, whether you’re catching your breath before taking another shot at kicking out that restroom window to escape a potentially humiliating date, feigning death to escape a bear-attack or are simply a fan of James Joyce’s love letters, here are 15 instances of comic book characters letting it all out.
15. THE SUPERIOR FOES OF SPIDER-MAN
During 2013’s The Superior Foes of Spider-Man by Nick Spencer and Steve Lieber, Overdrive tells the other four members of the Sinister Six how he managed to narrowly avoid Hercules, tricking him by mistaken identity, explaining: “That’s why I keep wearing the helmet. And dark pants.” When Hercules comes upon the Sinister Six, however, Beetle asks why the floor is wet, only for Overdrive to admit “…that was me.”
Honestly, “Peed” is essentially this Sinister Six’s catchphrase: When Speed Demon encounters a gigantic scorpion during the raid on Owl’s base? “Peed.” When Beetle and Overdrive run into Dr. Doom, while holding Doom’s stolen portrait? “Peed.” Finally, when Shocker – or “wet-pants” as Silvermane calls him – tries to warn his teammates that they’re being tricked, Beetle reassures him: “Ugh, Herman, we already went over this – We all know about the ‘bladder spasms,’ we already promised not to laugh.”
14. SCOTT PILGRIM
Scott Pilgrim faces off against the great and terrible psychokinetic Vegan abilities of Todd Ingram, Ramona’s X Evil Ex in Scott Pilgrim & The Infinite Sadness by Bryan Lee O’Malley. Due to abstaining from curds and whey, Todd Ingram has access to 100% of his brain, granting him psychokinetic abilities, obviously. Todd utilizes these Canadian Akira-like powers to fling Scott through the air, effortlessly winning round one.
For round two, Scott faces the gauntlet of running through Honest Ed’s department store. Facing “vegan style” oblivion, Scott asks Ramona and Wallce for a favor: “If I peed my pants, would you guys pretend I just got wet in the rain?” Let that be a lesson for you: never enter a boss battle with a full Pee Bar.
To cure Two-Face from his obsession with duality, the Arkham Asylum doctors have weened Harvey off of his scarred silver dollar onto a deck of Tarot cards, giving him 78 options as opposed to two in Arkham Asylum: A Serious Earth On Serious Earth by Grant Morrison and Dave McKean.
The idea is that eventually Two-Face will have a completely functional judgmental facility unbound by absolutes. Two-Face is now faced with so many options, however, that he is totally incapable of making a decision on his own, soiling himself in the process. Two-Face apologizes: “I couldn’t help it… it takes so long to decide… So many options… I’m really sorry. I think.” Batman believes that Harvey Dent is worse than before, questioning this alleged cure: “Right now, he can’t make a simple decision, like going to the bathroom, without consulting the cards?”
12. MOLLY HAYES
The youngest member of The Runaways, Molly Hayes, has the runs in 2012’s Avengers Academy #27 by Christos Gage and Karl Moline, informing her teammates that she desperately needs to pee during a stealth mission. Suddenly a Sentinel attacks, yet Molly is ostensibly nonplussed by the gigantic genocidal purple murder-automaton.
Molly then meets Mettle, the sweetest red metal skull-faced guy in comics who tries to mollify Molly by reassuring her that she’s safe. Mettle’s Heavy Metal visage startles the nine-year-old Hayes, however, causing Molly to lose the battle with her bladder. In pint-sized retaliation, an enraged Molly uses her super-strength to punch Mettle so hard that he flies through a brick-wall, as Molly screams “You made me pee in my pants!”
11. MAXIE ZEUS
Given its focus on psychosis, it should come as no surprise that excrement comes up frequently in Arkham Asylum: A Serious House On Serious Earth by Grant Morrison and Dave McKean. Take Maxie Zeus, “Lord of ECT. God of Electric Retribution,” who offers Batman the “fire of the gods” when Batman stumbles upon Zeus in the Electroconvulsive Therapy room – The AC/DC Altar. Maxie describes his questionable communion: “Gift of my body. Divine. Fertile. It shall transform the dry lands of Africa into the perfumed orchards of paradise and men will worship me anew.”
If you haven’t gathered, Maxie’s divine gift is a fly-infested oaken-bucket, most likely there for use when nature calls. Zeus plunges his hands into the bucket to offer up his electric leavings to Batman, who can only walk away in wordless disgust.
10. THE BOYS
Despite being a five-on-one fight in his favor, The Boys‘ proverbial Captain America, Soldier Boy, can’t help but go number one in fear, as witnessed on the cover of The Boys #32 by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, as Billy Butcher completely sweeps Soldier Boy’s team with some simple construction materials and a hand-full of crushed glass. Likewise, Wee Hughie narrowly avoids messing himself by taking a shameful “tactical break” on the floor of his universe’s version of the Batcave.
Likewise, whenever superheroes are resurrected in The Boys, they return as brain-damaged entities who are totally incontinent. One of the rotating duties for each member of The Seven – think the JLA but with more overt racism – is to clean Lamplighter’s quarters. Unfortunately, the undead hero has become a shade of his former self, and is unable to effectively regulate his bodily functions.
9. SQUADRON SUPREME
No, this entry isn’t about Squadron Supreme’s Whizzer, or “Whiz” – the most unfortunately named yellow-suited Speedster in comics. Rather, it follows the story of when Golden Archer was captured by The Institute of Evil during Squadron Supreme #5 by Mike Gruenwald and Bob Hall. As Golden Archer is tortured, Foxfire asks, “Good thing your pants are already yellow, huh, Archer?” Feels like there was an easy joke there, but whatever, it was 1985.
Don’t feel bad for Golden Archer, though, because in the previous issue he asked Lady Lark to marry him, only to be turned down. Not taking no for an answer, Golden Archer comes to Lark’s bed, double-knocks her out with some smelling salts despite her already being asleep, and straps on a behavior modification helmet to literally change her mind. Also, Archer calls Tom-Strong a “midget,” like, all the time. He’s a real piece of work, this guy.
Spider Jerusalem’s weapon of choice in Warren Ellis and Darick Robertson’s Transmetropolitan is a handheld bowel disruptor. Though Spider claims it to be purportedly “non-lethal,” the bowel disruptor has a variety of colorful settings, most of which we can’t really mention here. After witnessing a show made using his likeness, Spider turns the disruptor to “Fatal Internal Maelstrom” and places the barrel in his mouth, triggering his apartment’s anti-suicide protocol to calm him down.
Additionally, given his proclivity for hard-concept sci-fi drugs – which are tax deductible to journalists – Spider has soiled himself on occasion. Jumpstart, for instance, is something that can wreak havoc on his insides. As Spider explains to a group of would-be assassins during a botched hit, “I’m a drunk and a drugs user. I have to spend three hours a day on the John. Kill me then.”
Wade Wilson has had to wade in his own filth at one point or another, as this self-described “Spider-Man but with fart jokes,” is no stranger to toilet humor. The regenerating degenerate apparently has an adamantium bladder, as despite being duct-taped to a warehouse wall to sit out Civil War, Deadpool manages to hold it all in. Once freed, Wade spends nine panels worth of comic-book time relieving himself in a White House washroom.
When The Mercs For The Money find themselves wanting for money, they ambush Deadpool in Deadpool #16 by Gerry Duggan and Mike Hawthorne. Screaming for his “floppy jalopy,” Slapstick hits Deadpool right in the “leather pouches” with a mallet, causing Deadpool to upchuck into his own mask. Finally, when Deadpool realizes he can’t beat Black Panther in physical combat in Deadpool #15, Wade retaliates by leaving a “glorious upper decker.”
This villain, whose first name rhymes with “Mitt,” from 2005’s Wanted by Mark Millar J.G. Jones and Paul Mounts is Wanted’s take on Batman’s Clay-Face, if Clay-Face were entirely comprised of the collected leavings from the six-hundred and sixty six evilest individuals in history. The Professor elaborates: “There’s a little Hitler in there, a touch of Ed Gein, a half a pound of Jeffrey Dahmer.” This foe can alter the consistency of his body at will, ranging from soft to very hard.
Despite the smell, this BM-Baddie can masquerade as others in order to get in close to targets, ensuring his victims suffer a humiliating “death by dysentery” while choking on his body mass. Despite being invulnerable to small-arms fire and name-calling, however, this guano golem’s kryptonite is simple housecleaning products, as Wesley bleaches him to death.
5. BATMAN’S BLADDER SPASM
Batman relates some of his early days of crimefighting with amateur Batman-knock-off Baphomet in Kevin Smith’s Batman: The Widening Gyre #6. Apparently, during the most memorable scene from Frank Miller’s Batman: Year One, when Batman blows a hole in the side of a wall with a plastique charge before giving his dope “You’re done eating this city alive” speech, Bats was too close to the explosive charge. The subsequent heat caused Batman to have a bat-suit malfunction, or as Batman puts it: “I had a… bladder spasm.”
Yes. Batman peed his bat-pants. Kinda hard to enjoy Batman: Year One now knowing that Batman was probably using his cape to hide the evidence. Honestly, this “bladder spasm” was probably the best part of The Widening Gyre, which also features Batman accosting his fiancé because he thought she was a robot.
Introducing himself by killing some mobsters with a tiny gun stashed up his hindquarters, Bullseye from PunisherMAX: Bullseye by Jason Aaron and Steve Dillon is a master of improvised weaponry. Bullseye even wields nausea as a weapon, trying to drown The Punisher in vomit while suffering from chemical munitions.
Bullseye also brags, “I once tracked an Eskimo huntsman on foot across 200 miles of arctic tundra and killed him with nothing but an icicle made from my own frozen feces,” for fun. This stinky shivving refers to Bullseye’s prison diet from Bullseye: Greatest Hits by Daniel Way and Steve Dillon: “They got me on a liquid diet… and a lotta laxatives. See, they’re afraid that if I have a solid bowel movement, I might just kill somebody with it. And I would too… If for no other reason than just to say that I did. Because I’m like that.”
3. HULK VS. ZEUS
Hulk climbs Mount Olympus in Incredible Hulks #622 by Greg Pak and Paul Pelletier, hoping to sacrifice himself to Zeus in order to cure his Hulk-Kin of their incredible superpowers. Though he may be “The Strongest One There Is,” Hulk is nothing to the Greek God of Lightning, who decides to teach Hulk an embarrassing fist-based lesson on hubris, as opposed to vaporizing him with a single thought.
With a single lightning-laced introductory gut-punch, Zeus hits Hulk so hard that he immediately spits out a shotgun blast of green blood. Taking a beat, Hulk proceeds to to hurl his guts out – at least two kegs worth of Hi-C Ecto Cooler by our estimates. Soiled with his own neon-green sinful business, Hulk receives such a sufficient thrashing in the Greco-Roman fashion that he is crippled for days.
During “Gore Angels” from Crossed: Badlands #43 by David Hine and German Erramouspe, Emiko has Ryan, the man who drugged her at a party and blackmailed her with the subsequent video footage, tied to a chair. Emiko wonders if they can eclipse the popularity of their first film by making a new one: removing the more tender bits of Ryan live over the internet. Ryan responds by wetting himself.
The filming is interrupted by Al The Chemist, a special Crossed who, through the combination of hallucinogenic mushrooms and various other accoutrements, has reached Enlightenment. Yeah, Crossed is messed up like that. Incidentally, given the fact that the contagion is passed through contact with bodily fluids and that the world is pretty much a human hellscape, it’s afe to say a lot of people are losing control of themselves out there.
1. WOLVERINE: THE BEST THERE IS
Forced into a mutant-fighting arena in Wolverine: The Best There Is by Charlie Huston and Juan Jose Ryp, Wolverine is outfitted with a shock-collar that makes Logan “mess himself.” Logan’s handlers elaborate, “By the stink of its ####, you’d sure as hell think its #### was a mutation.”
Logan is captured by Windsor, whose mutant power of generating customized illnesses helps him corral his regenerating henchmen: “Infected with this virus, a person would literally #### themselves to death in less than an hour… Indeed, the person who died after a single hour might be considered luckier than the self-healer who would have to endure a day or more. Though his henchmen fall in line, Windsor doesn’t let a good bug go to waste, testing it on the immortal Sikes.
Can you think of another time a superhero just had to go with the flow? Let us know in the comments!
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