Let’s not beat around the bush: we don’t care why you need to know about superhuman private parts. Maybe you’re planning a nerdy bachelorette party, getting your cosplay down to the precise inch or writing an adult rendition of Secret Wars. We’re not here to judge you. We’re here to judge 15 of the most well hung heroes and phallic foes in comics based on the overall impressiveness of their packages. Do you understand the depths we sunk to in order to bring you this listicle about Giant-Sized Man-Things? We gazed into the abyss and the abyss blinked first after we asked whether or not M.O.D.O.K. hung left or right. You’re welcome.
This is a super-serious listicle — our magnum opus of magnum dongs — with important parameters. Mere assumption is not sufficient, we required hard evidence. Additionally, being well endowed doesn’t necessarily mean being the longest or having the optimum hang or angle (hangle?). After all, it’s not the size of the web-shooter that matters. Or something? Anyway, here’s what we found… brace yourself.
15. RED HOOD
While the copious amount of leaves frequently used to cover up his shame are pretty suggestive, Red Hood confirms that’s not a crowbar in his utility belt in Red Hood and The Outlaws (2012) by Scott Lobdell and Kenneth Rocafort. Specifically, Jason Todd explains how he managed to hook up with Starfire: “What can I say? Chicks dig me. It’s the giant red helmet.” Wow. That’s the dirtiest thing to appear in a Bat-book since Clayface’s casting couch.
Yeah, Red Hood isn’t talking about kevlar. When Suzie Su gets the drop on Jason, he claims to be quote-unquote unarmed before Su responds: “You wish. I’m going to start out by tearing off your –” Dick Grayson may be the former Robin with the best posterior (“What an ass.” to quote Jason,) but Red Hood has the bigger Escrima stick.
14. THE PUNISHER
When Kathryn O’Brien first sees The Punisher in Punisher Max #1 by Garth Ennis, Lewis Larosa and Leandro Fernandez, she contemplates if Frank is her type: “You know, he is in great shape for a guy his age. I wonder if he’s got a big dick? In case I get a chance to **** him. I like big dicks.” O’Brien gets her answer in Punisher Max #23 , digging a bullet out of Frank’s bicep while checking if Frank digs her: “I’ve been in jail for eighteen months. When we get through here, you want to go jump in the sack?”
Later in the sack, O’Brien provides a sit-rep before starting a second tour of duty in The Punisher’s pants: “Don’t flatter yourself, big man.” The two would hook up again in Afghanistan, with O’Brien ready to go “right here and now” after they kill a family of attack helicopters together.
- Ad Free Browsing
- Over 10,000 Videos!
- All in 1 Access
- Join For Free!