Let’s not beat around the bush: we don’t care why you need to know about superhuman private parts. Maybe you’re planning a nerdy bachelorette party, getting your cosplay down to the precise inch or writing an adult rendition of Secret Wars. We’re not here to judge you. We’re here to judge 15 of the most well hung heroes and phallic foes in comics based on the overall impressiveness of their packages. Do you understand the depths we sunk to in order to bring you this listicle about Giant-Sized Man-Things? We gazed into the abyss and the abyss blinked first after we asked whether or not M.O.D.O.K. hung left or right. You’re welcome.
This is a super-serious listicle — our magnum opus of magnum dongs — with important parameters. Mere assumption is not sufficient, we required hard evidence. Additionally, being well endowed doesn’t necessarily mean being the longest or having the optimum hang or angle (hangle?). After all, it’s not the size of the web-shooter that matters. Or something? Anyway, here’s what we found… brace yourself.
15. RED HOOD
While the copious amount of leaves frequently used to cover up his shame are pretty suggestive, Red Hood confirms that’s not a crowbar in his utility belt in Red Hood and The Outlaws (2012) by Scott Lobdell and Kenneth Rocafort. Specifically, Jason Todd explains how he managed to hook up with Starfire: “What can I say? Chicks dig me. It’s the giant red helmet.” Wow. That’s the dirtiest thing to appear in a Bat-book since Clayface’s casting couch.
Yeah, Red Hood isn’t talking about kevlar. When Suzie Su gets the drop on Jason, he claims to be quote-unquote unarmed before Su responds: “You wish. I’m going to start out by tearing off your –” Dick Grayson may be the former Robin with the best posterior (“What an ass.” to quote Jason,) but Red Hood has the bigger Escrima stick.
14. THE PUNISHER
When Kathryn O’Brien first sees The Punisher in Punisher Max #1 by Garth Ennis, Lewis Larosa and Leandro Fernandez, she contemplates if Frank is her type: “You know, he is in great shape for a guy his age. I wonder if he’s got a big dick? In case I get a chance to **** him. I like big dicks.” O’Brien gets her answer in Punisher Max #23 , digging a bullet out of Frank’s bicep while checking if Frank digs her: “I’ve been in jail for eighteen months. When we get through here, you want to go jump in the sack?”
Later in the sack, O’Brien provides a sit-rep before starting a second tour of duty in The Punisher’s pants: “Don’t flatter yourself, big man.” The two would hook up again in Afghanistan, with O’Brien ready to go “right here and now” after they kill a family of attack helicopters together.
13. AARON STACK, THE MACHINE MAN
Though The Celestials may consider him “a total ****,” Aaron Stack The Machine Man is indeed stacked, pants-wise. While Fin Fang Foom, the dragon who wears gigantic purple spanx, despite being born with “absolutely no genitalia whatsoever,” rampages in the background in Nextwave: Agents of H.A.T.E. (2007) by Warren Ellis and Stuart Immonen, Aaron Stack and monster hunter Elsa Bloodstone discuss the ridiculousness of The Vision — an android — and The Scarlet Witch — a fleshy human — having children.
Aaron claims that “I could get you pregnant.” Elsa points out the distance (like, three feet?) separating them before Aaron clarifies: “I’m full of very useful devices.” Aaron’s devices include a buzzsaw, oversized melon-baller, and a telescoping eyepiece, which prompts Tabitha to ask “Does that impress the robot girls or something?” Surely, no engineer would design a machine man with all of that junk but lacking in other suitable hardware.
Despite having a tumor-rife face, Deadpool has one of the finest… katanas in comics. When he was getting ready to marry Shiklah, Deadpool clarifies why his succubus sweetie chose him in 2014’s Deadpool #27, specifically noting that he had to have his tuxedo let out in the crotch to accommodate his junk. Likewise, on his wedding night with Outlaw, Deadpool begs Odin to make him less sexually desirable.
Furthermore, when Francis impales Deadpool during their fight in the Deadpool movie, you can see Deadpool Dong. Using proportions and the fact that Ryan Reynolds is 6’2″, we have Deadpool clocking in at approximately 7 inches while battle-flaccid. Sure, Ryan Reynolds performed the scene nude, but make no mistake that these are Deadpool’s genitals, lovingly brought to life by Oscar-winning makeup artist Bill Corso who “made my penis look perfect,” to quote Reynolds.
Daken, Wolverine’s sociopathic son, gets around. While the bulk of Daken’s sex appeal is due to his perception-perverting pheromone production powers, Daken don’t compensate. During 2010’s Dark Wolverine #77 by Daniel Way, Bullseye has penetrated Daken with an arrow to the pelvis. Daken claims that he’s popped his proverbial seventh claw before Bullseye clarifies that this tip-adjacent arrow has an explosive-tip. Daken tells Bullseye not to have too much fun making his junk explode as Bullseye unleashes his payload.
We next see Daken recovering in a hospital with fellow Dark Avenger Moonstone at his bedside, who informs Daken that the damage was severe. Daken investigates before Moonstone reassures him: “Oh, please. I was the one who pulled you from the rubble. They’re still scraping you off the walls.” Note that Daken’s only other visible wound is an eye-bandage. Clearly, it takes time to regenerate a Daken-dork.
10. THE INCREDIBLE HERCULES
The Gift of Battle is not the only one that Hercules likes to deliver, as Marvel’s incarnation of the Greek hero has a long list of former lovers, from She-Hulk and Namora to Snowbird and Queen Alflyse. Like any good legend, the true magnitude of Hercules’ dong is known to us by word of mouth, specifically from The Merc With The Mouth — Deadpool.
When fighting Hercules in Cable/Deadpool #31 by Fabian Nicieza and Staz Johnson, Deadpool reflects on the tactical advantages of a battle-skirt while sliding under Hercules to dodge an attack: “Fighting a dude in a skirt. My advantage. Hmm… Godly endowments. His advantage.” This up-skirt checks out, perhaps best reflected in the phalanx of former lovers present at Herc’s funeral in The Incredible Hercules #141 by Grek Pak, Fred van Lente and Rodney Buchemi. That many ladies (and Deadpool) can’t be wrong.
Frank Castle infiltrates a torture porn film ring, where the kidnapped victims are forced to participate in the porn equivalent of The Hunger Games in The Punisher Max: Naked Kill (2009) by Jonathan Maberry, Laurence Campbell and Tim Bradsheet. The “winner” of this naked Battle Royale must shoot a scene with Eleventhree, the star of these snuff films whose name reflects his dimensions while flaccid.
The “Danger Zone” and voltage sign tattoos flanking Eleventhree’s “elephant trunk” sized weapon of choice are no joke, as Eleventhree’s tends to literally split his costars in two. On his last leg after The Punisher knee-caps him, Eleventhree’s film career ends in a group scene, as his would-be victims — now well versed in murder courtesy of the martial arts — beat Eleventhree off of this mortal coil with their bare hands. A fitting end.
8. THE INCREDIBLE HULK
Vector, your all time fave U-Foe, uses his energy blasts to strip away both the Hulk’s fancy pants and flesh in The Incredible Hulk #398 (1992) by Peter David and Dale Keown. Vector screams “My God!” at the unstoppable gamma skeleton at his fingertips, even though Vector has yet to see the Hulk’s biggest bone. Quickly regenerating, Hulk naked-struts to Leader, demanding that he quit messing around. Leader, ever aware of the importance of henchmen morale, snaps into action.
“Please do get some pants, not only are you giving some of us an inferiority complex, but furthermore… there are ladies present.” Atalanta, the only lady-villain present, doesn’t mind at all. Hulk’s “world-breaker” explains his impressive record with the ladies, with Hulk at one point having a six minute internship in the Dark Dimension as Umar’s sex slave in Defenders #3 written by J.M DeMatteis, and Keith Griffen.
Not to disappoint David Boreanaz fans, but we’re talking about the OG X-Man with the biggest X-Factor, Angel. During Wolverine: The Best There Is (2013) by Charlie Huston and Juan Jose Ryp, Beast recalls Jean Grey posting a bounty for the person to identify Beast’s possibly blue tool after he first blued himself. The X-Boys shared communal showers, so this mission wasn’t super slash-fiction-y.
Regardless, Emma Frost asks if Warren had difficulty fitting his wings in the showers before Beast confirms via telepathy that the wings weren’t the most divine thing about Angel. The former sex therapist confirms: “Oh, Warren, your wings are sooo big.” Angel’s third wing is all well and good, but Jean brings up a good point: what is up with Beast’s dong? Did it go from man to gorilla to lion to gargoyle? Is it blue?
6. DOCTOR MANHATTAN
Speaking of blue genitals, next we have Dr. Manhattan, who spends the bulk of Watchmen fighting crime and hanging dong. Sure, Dr. Manhattan can replicate himself for emotionless orgies, but how big is his blue baby-maker? Dr. Manhattan’s height fluctuates, but we know The Comedian is 6’2″. Utilizing panels where the two stand side by side (like Chapter 1, page 11,) we can calculate that Dr. Manhattan’s “default” height is about 6’4″.
Using ratios, this gives Manhattan about 3.009 inches (every bit counts) of flaccid blue junk. This is intentional, as Manhattan is purportedly “understated” to avoid being distracting. Pop quiz! if a UH-1N Huey helicopter is 14.9 feet tall, and Vietnam-era Dr. Manhattan is approximately 7 Hueys tall, then how big is Dr. Manhattan’s flaccid penis? It’s around 4’1″ — bigger than your average Ewok, but less than one Danny DeVito.
5. LONG DONG
After he is stripped and publicly humiliated at a frat party, Ray McFarland returns to his vandalized dorm, wishing that he wasn’t so “short stacked” in Freshmen (2005) by Seth Green, Hugh Sterbakov and Leonard Kirk. Ray’s phallic prayers are answered in the form of an indestructible, twelve foot long double-edged sword. Ray warns his fellow Freshmen not to bring porn indoors, because “I could take your eye out. I could take a street lamp out, for ****’s sake.” In fact, Ray only discovers that his junk is “unbreakable” after he runs it over with his car.
In Freshmen II, we discover that Ray has left the team but adopted the alias of Long Dong to pursue what has to be the most fascinating career in the adult film industry. Given that Long Dong’s origin story is basically a pornographer’s interpretation of the movie Big, this is understandable.
4. REED RICHARDS
During a Vanity Fair interview, Stan Lee responds to a question raised in Mallrats regarding The Thing’s… thing: “I guess common sense would say it was made of orange rock, too, but I always thought it was more interesting to think about Reed Richards. As you know, he has the ability to stretch, and sexually, that would seem to be a great asset in many areas.” Apparently, Reed Richards has the most interesting genitals in The Fantastic Four, and that includes Johnny Storm’s fire-crotch.
Additionally, during Heroes Reborn Fantastic Four (2006) by Brandon Choi and Jim Lee, Reed turns down a part in a porno before Sue comments on how nobody but her knows the true meaning of “Mr. Fantastic.” A post-coital Susan elaborates in a Fantastic Four story by J. Michael Straczynski: “Have I ever mentioned what a… wonderful set of abilities you acquired from those cosmic rays?”
3. LOVE SAUSAGE
Vas, or Love Sausage, is a former tank operator and Soviet superhero from The Boys by Garth Ennis and Darick Robertson, endowed with super strength, endurance and “15 inches of dynamite.” Although you never see the true “Love Sausage” Vas is smuggling, his old-school spandex superhero costume is so tight that you can bask in the glory of the “soviet sausage of love.”
This form-fitting costume has tactical advantages, as Love Sausage’s crotch is so distracting that most foes don’t even realize they’re already dead because how can you not stare? There are drawbacks to this power-set however, as Love Sausage’s Kryptonite is large breasts. Seriously, when a chance sequence passes through an underground Russian strip club, Vas doubles over in pain, as it’s physically impossible for Love Sausage to run when aroused.
2. JOHNNY TWO-DICKS
The grand member of crime from Wanted by Mark Millar, J.G. Jones and Paul Mounts, Johnny Two-Dicks is a mild-mannered pharmacist whose every decision is made by the criminal mastermind in his pants. No, really: Johnny Two-Dicks doesn’t think with his junk, rather his junk literally tells him what to do with pink-highlighted text bubbles. Johnny is Wanted’s take on Batman’s Ventriloquist, but instead of a guy talking to wood… well, actually it’s exactly like that.
Johnny Two-Dicks is 13 inches of pure evil, forcing the pharmacist to beat a simple minded behemoth to death with a crowbar or “I swear to God, I’ll ****ing kill you myself!” Incidentally, Johnny Two-Dicks is the only member of Mr. Rictus’ gang that survives Wanted, perhaps because the pharmacist didn’t want to participate in the supervillain uprising. Although, Fox does neuter him… or them, technically.
1. VOLSTAGG THE MIGHTY
A customized trio of Doombots have pinned the Warriors Three down with a pulse cannon barrage in the not so coincidentally titled Thor: Giant-Size Finale (2009) by J. Michael Straczynski and Marko Djurdjevic. Volstagg The Mighty charges straight into the line of fire, his clothes disintegrating with each step, culminating in a gigantic screaming naked Asgardian berserker. They may not be programmed for it, but those Doombots learned how to feel fear that day.
A stunned Warriors Three look on in awe of the bearded nude juggernaut standing before them, with Lady Sif asking, “Think you that this is why he is so rightly called Volstagg The Mighty?” Sif receives an apropos “aye” in response. Sif’s stare lingers as Volstagg elaborates: “Find other places for your eyes to wander. Though it might take some time for them to get that far.”
Did we overlook your favorite superhuman genitalia? Let us know in the comments!
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