Welcome to the 20th installment of Page One Rewrite, where I examine comics-to-screen adaptations that just couldn't make it. This week, I look at an attempt from none other than Stan Lee to craft a film treatment for Marvel's web-crawling corporate mascot, following a few efforts that couldn't go anywhere.
Stan Lee's attempt at breaking the Spider-Man screenplay followed an eighty-page treatment from Frank LaLoggia, director of the '80s horror films Fear No Evil and Lady in White. And any diehard fan would be automatically irritated by LaLoggia typing the hero's name as "Spiderman" throughout the document.
A HORROR DIRECTOR'S...COMEDIC TAKE
After an admirable, street-level origin story from John Brancato and Ted Newsom, Cannon Films wanted LaLoggia to follow that script's basic setup: Peter Parker is a college student, his supporting cast consists of Liz, Harry, and Flash, and Dr. Octopus is their professor. By this date, Cannon had become enamored with the gimmick of Dr. Octopus building an anti-gravity device. LaLoggia largely played this for jokes in his draft. His story ends with Spidey delivering a high-velocity spin-kick that knocks Ock off City Hall's roof, however, causing him to fall to his death.
LaLoggia's touches are notable for their sheer absurdity. There's a running gag, clearly, of its time, that has a Japanese businessman boasting he's purchased every New York landmark in the story. He's actually (playing off the hoary stereotype of Japanese tourists obsessively taking snapshots) the first to photograph Spider-Man in action…pictures that Peter ends up stealing from the man and then selling to the Daily Bugle.
A more significant oddity is making Ock's disloyal flunky, "hilariously" named Weiner, Uncle Ben's killer. This is due to a harebrained scheme that has Weiner convinced he can force Spider-Man to side with him if he holds one of Spidey's relatives hostage. After Spider-Man webs Weiner to the Brooklyn Bridge, Weiner is killed by Dr. Octopus. Not by one of Ock's mechanical arms...but instead, a bazooka blast shot off from Ock's nearby Mercedes.
Other bizarre moments include the FBI pursuing Peter, thanks to his connection to Spidey, a sequence that ends with Peter and Liz swapping clothing (and donning wigs from a conveniently located wig shop) and the FBI left chasing a toupee-clad Liz instead. This is followed by Spider-Man stealing a Harley-Davidson from a biker to pursue Ock's Mercedes during the climactic chase sequence.
STAN LEE PRESENTS…
The LaLoggia treatment didn't go far, granting the character's co-creator his shot at writing a treatment. Lee's submission, entitled Spider-Man: The Untold Story, is divided into sections with comic book appropriate titles, such as "The Scientist Sinister," "Clothes Maketh the Spider-Man," and "The Boy in the Blue Funk."
Stan drops two elements that have been in place since the Brancato/Newsom draft: Harry Osborn is nonexistent, leaving Peter friendless, and Doc Ock is no longer his professor. Peter is a college student living with his sickly Uncle Ben and Aunt May. An opening scene has him futilely attempting to protect Aunt May from a group of muggers, echoing a similar scenario in LaLoggia's treatment.
Bruised, Peter later attends a public lecture from the ill-tempered Otto Octavius, who uses anti-gravity microchips to lift the heavy metallic arms utilized in his experiments. This is where an encroaching spider causes the experiment to go wrong, which leads to a massive explosion and both Peter and Octavius with superpowers, correct?
Wrong. The demonstration merely affirms that Otto's a jerk who immediately dislikes Peter. Several more scenes establish the setup. Peter has a cordial relationship with ESU co-ed Liz Allan, and he's routinely bullied by Flash Thompson, who's pursuing Liz. Ock, meanwhile, lives alone with his collection of mynah birds. Lee goes out of his way to establish how much Ock likes these birds and even has them perched upon Ock's shoulders during his inevitable crime spree. Perhaps some Hollywood executive gave a note reading, "I like birds. Can we do birds?"
The explosion that creates Doc Ock eventually occurs inside his home, just when Peter happens to be passing by. The blast is so strong it slams Peter into a nearby car. Some irradiated spider emerges from the wreckage and then bites Peter's hand, right?
Nope. Peter goes about his life, even trying out for the ESU football team and getting knocked around by Flash's friends. While Ock escapes from the hospital with his permanently attached mechanical arms, Peter turns down an invitation to a Bruce Springsteen concert in favor of an exhibition on radiation. Finally, he's bitten by that spider, and a rather straightforward retelling of his Amazing Fantasy origin follows.
Peter sees an ad to face wrestler "Crusher Cole" (funny how the Brancato/Newsom draft outright wrote in Hulk Hogan!) for $100, then unintentionally injures the brawler. The incident forces Peter to disavow wrestling and to show restraint the next time Flash bullies him. The result, however, is that Liz suspects Peter's a coward.
An agent named Fast Al Fallon encourages Peter to pursue show biz, leading to his creation of a costume and web-shooters for what he assumes to be a lucrative appearance on a variety show. Ock watches the performance, irritated anyone more powerful than him can exist. And, naturally, a thief brushes past an indifferent Spider-Man backstage, then later appears at the Parker home and murders Ben. Spider-Man captures the burglar (without killing him), and a hero is born.
THE SEDUCTION OF A SPIDER-MAN
From this point on, the plot is a mix of established comics lore and baffling new ideas. Peter struggles to find freelance work at the Daily Bugle, win Liz's heart, and aid his ailing Aunt May. Meanwhile, Ock develops a massive anti-gravity gun, as a historic gathering of world leaders at the UN building is announced.
A dark-haired beauty named Dana, an agent of Interpol, arrives as a part of the UN's security force. She eyes Peter using his powers out-of-costume and becomes enamored. Lee implies Peter now releases some super-masculine pheromone that draws Dana to him.
Dana is tasked with finding potential threats to the world leaders but is soon convinced Peter is a decent man. After luring him to her room, Dana then clicks off the lights and seduces the virginal Peter. Yes, Stan implies Peter has lost his "innocence" to this stranger. And the normally guilt-plagued Peter still continues his budding relationship with Liz with no remorse over the incident.
COMICS-ACCURATE…TO A FAULT
Meanwhile, a new boarder arrives at Aunt May's home. That's right, Bronze Age comics fans -- it's none other than Otto Octavius. May's smitten by Ock and wonders if she's already found her new husband. Ock only lies low at May's long enough for the UN summit, leaving abruptly and inducing May's second potential heart attack in this plot. "That bastard!" exclaims Peter before heading for the climax.
Ock's anti-gravity beam lifts the UN off its foundations, as he demands $1 billion and one US state… he'll even accept Rhode Island. Spider-Man uses his web line to reach the floating UN, has an epic battle with Ock on the building's exterior, then uses his scientific acumen to gently return the building to earth. Ock's freed from his temporary webbed prison by a mystery figure later revealed to be Dana. She divulges that Ock is her father, and in spite of her position within Interpol, she can't allow him to face life in prison. Reasoning that he's no police officer, the ever-responsible Spider-Man allows the duo to leave discreetly.
Stan then chooses to go out with a laugh as Peter checks in on Aunt May and discovers she's already over Otto Octavius. Her new crush is a media figure who's dominated the airwaves since Spider-Man's debut -- May's just crazy over that J. Jonah Jameson.
DID WE DODGE A BULLET?
Stan's treatment and Frank Miller's nihilistic Batman: Year One screenplay do have one thing in common -- the best ideas come from the writer's existing comics stories, and their new concepts are rather dicey. Stan, bizarrely, adds so many coincidences to a plot that already has such an easy path to merge the hero and villain's origins. Not only do the previous drafts meld Spider-Man and Ock's origins, but Peter David even combined the two when adapting this treatment as a novella for the Ultimate Spider-Man prose collection. (David's version eliminates Dana, however, and actually has a "Peter embarrasses Flash on the basketball court" scene that predates 2012's Amazing Spider-Man film.)
The classic moments fans would want from a Spider-Man movie are here, but it's hard to ignore such a dodgy plot. Except for the climax, all of Spider-Man and Ock's encounters occur as coincidences, which is not only too wild to be credible but also makes the plotting appear aimless. And some old stories are okay to forget -- May's inability to recognize the notorious Dr. Octopus and the absurdity of him showing up as her new boarder is something comics fans have always scoffed at. It's unrealistic to think Siskel and Ebert wouldn't have found this equally laughable.
Presumably, anyone watching the movie would wonder why May isn't mourning her husband. And how can anyone root the Peter/Liz relationship after he's cheated on her with a seductive Interpol agent? Why is Dana in this story anyway, and why on earth is Ock revealed to be her father in the finale? Worst of all, how could Spider-Man so quickly forget the lesson of Uncle Ben's death? It's a Spider-Man movie that ends with him choosing to allow the main villain to get away!
To be fair, Stan might've had plans to flesh these ideas out in a full script, or he was trying his best to incorporate various studio notes. Judged on its own merits, though, it's hard to forgive a story featuring a horny Aunt May, deflowered Peter, and bird-obsessed Doc Ock. (If he has to be infatuated with any animal, isn't there a more obvious choice?) Every effort to rewrite Brancato/Newsom's 1985 draft produced fruitless attempts like this. Considering Tim Burton's success with 1989's Batman, a dark tale set against a gritty urban environment, it's surprising the equally edgy Brancato/Newsom draft never went into production. The perfect script for this moment already existed, but studio executives remained obsessed with rewrites.