Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman have always been regarded as the main stars of South Park. They were the first characters to be introduced on the series, have played a role in a majority of episodes, and it doesn’t seem like things are going to change anytime soon. One could argue that Butters has taken over some of Kenny’s roles but he’s merely a recurring character. Other supporting characters have also proven to be equally entertaining but none of them have had a chance at stealing the spotlight from the boys. However, one character might’ve just done that without even knowing it.
Over the past few years, Stan’s dad, Randy, has been featured in more and more episodes. Some of them have even been just about him, focusing on his simultaneously off-putting yet endearing personality. The thing is, Randy Marsh has gone under the radar for some time and until relatively recently in the show’s history, fans didn’t know the slightest bit about him, and many still don’t. In light of that fact, we’ve collected a variety of Randy’s darkest secrets and compiled them into one comprehensive(ish) list, just to give you a better sense of who he really is.
15. RANDY IS LORDE
On South Park, a few characters have dual identities, or at the very least possess fictional counterparts, and Randy Marsh is no different. When he’s not being a geologist, Randy is off recording and performing as the hit artist, Lorde. It’s a huge stretch from the truth of who Lorde is in real life but that doesn’t change the fact South Park has given her a new identity.
To be clear, Randy only dresses up as Lorde part-time. He hides that part of his life from everyone, including his own family. Until a noisy journalist starts poking around Lorde’s past, Randy manages to keep his secret identity a secret. But eventually, he finds himself backed into a corner and has to come clean to his family. Randy then tells his daughter that he’s actually her favorite musician, which doesn’t make her happy. Stan is just in disbelief by the revelation, but Sharon isn’t all that surprised by Randy’s antics, and even gives a genuinely impassioned speech supporting both him and the IRL Lorde.
14. HAD AN AFFAIR WITH A NATIVE AMERICAN MAN
To clear some things up, Randy didn’t have a full-on affair with anyone. He simply hired a Native American man to make out with him. The reason Randy did so was because he needed the man’s saliva to fool the people from DNA And Me, a genealogy research service. What Randy wasn’t counting on was the man falling in love with him.
Towards the midway point of “Holiday Special,” the unnamed Native man pops up on Randy’s doorstep again. Randy is obviously confused by the man’s presence but then learns that the man came back because of “feelings” for Randy. They have a short discussion which ends with Randy turning him down, thus ending their relationship. Although, there’s no guarantee that the Native American gentleman won’t appear again. He brought his parents over to meet Randy so it was definitely serious, for him at least.
13. FOOLED AROUND WITH GERALD BROFLOSKI
In Season 3, Episode 8, “Two Guys Naked in a Hot Tub,” things get a little heated between Randy and his buddy, Gerald during a meteor viewing party. Well technically, things don’t get heated as much as they get intimate. Nothing that can’t be undone happens but let’s just say they enjoy some self-love in a mutual setting.
If the title of the episode didn’t already give it away, Gerald and Randy’s intimate time takes place in a hot tub. They’re the only two at Gerald’s party who decide to get in and wind up sharing secrets because of it. During their conversation, fantasy talk turns into action and that’s where things get interesting. Keep in mind that nothing else happens between them — as far as we know.
12. IDOLIZED A MASS MURDERER
For whatever reason, Randy got really hyped about Christopher Columbus in 2004. He never gives an explanation as to why, but in “Holiday Special,” he has to get rid of anything even remotely related to the Caribbean conqueror. The reason he does this is because focus on Columbus sparks interest into the atrocities he was responsible for.
Not to get too into all the inaccuracies of Columbus’ role in American history, but the main point left out of his contribution is that he and his followers committed horribly atrocities upon groups of indigenous people. Columbus claimed residents of the Caribbean islands were savages, but in the truth, the native people welcomed him with open arms. Tragically, their interactions ended with a majority of them wiped out. And for that reason alone, Columbus’ reputation is regarded as somewhat controversial… hence Randy’s quick, reputation-saving dismissal.
11. GAVE HIMSELF CANCER
Okay, Randy giving himself cancer is by far the most idiotic thing he’s ever done. Out of all the tomfoolery and shenanigans Randy has gotten into, giving himself cancer takes the cake. And the lengths he went to do so were ridiculous. Randy went as far as buying an X-ray machine to subject his nether region to radiation, all done just to get a legal prescription for “non-prescription medication.”
In case it hasn’t become apparent yet, Randy likes to party. What we mean is that he drinks, smokes and gets rowdy. So when an opportunity to do so in a legal setting comes up, Randy isn’t someone who’s going to stand idly by while other people do them. To remedy that, doing whatever it takes to get a legal prescription became his sole goal in life, at the risk of his own health.
10. ARRESTED COUNTLESS TIMES
Whenever Randy gets arrested on South Park, it’s usually because he’s been drinking… and that happens quite often. If Randy can find a reason to drink, he will. Whether it’s his son’s baseball game, waiting for the boys to finish their scouts’ meeting, or celebrating Obama winning the presidency, Randy always finds time for an adult beverage… or two. This drinking subsequently leads to him getting arrested.
For example, Randy’s heavy drinking at Stan’s little league games led to him getting arrested at every game. Since Randy felt that his manhood was challenged by dads of the opposing teams, he would get inebriated and instigate a fight with someone. It would usually end with him winning the fight but also carted off to jail. Fortunately, none of Randy’s run-ins with the law has ever lead to a permanent stay.
9. ATTEMPTED TO SILENCE A WHISTLE-BLOWER
In a recent episode of South Park, the truth behind Christopher Columbus became a “woke” topic. Revealed to be a murderous conqueror, the once honored Columbus started being looked at as a stain on American history. When Randy learned of that, he decided to get rid of all his Columbus memorabilia.
In an attempt to dispose of a Columbus sash and cross, he was interrupted by an unwelcome Native American man. To get him off of his property, Randy shoved the guy several times. But when he did so, a passerby caught Randy brandishing the Columbus memorabilia and recorded the whole incident. Realizing the situation looked really bad for him, Randy chased the guy down to keep him quiet. Understanding that an account of the incident would out him for being a Columbus enthusiast, Randy made sure to keep the entire thing from ever being found out.
8. OBSESSED WITH STRANGE THINGS
Randy Marsh has always been one character with some of the oddest interests. But, there’s one thing he has in common with most men: he’s fascinated with his own… leavings. In “More Crap,” we see this fascination become well known to Randy and everyone in the town of South Park, Colorado.
During this particular episode, Randy relieves himself of one of the biggest pieces of… well, you know. Anyway, when Randy does this, he’s so entranced with the size that he wants to show everyone. Sharon tells him to flush it but Randy can’t let go. He then takes the specimen into the basement and props it up on a makeshift stand. Randy also sets up some lights for a better look at it — just so you know the depths of his depravity.
7. FOUGHT RANDOM DADS
With little league baseball being such a huge craze in the town of South Park, parents like Randy Marsh get a little carried away. For Randy, his enthusiasm manifest itself in the form of cheering for Stan’s team, but he isn’t just cheering. At the same time, Randy is drinking heavily and badmouthing the other team while their parenting section is within earshot. Of course, this leads to the more obnoxious fathers firing back at Randy, followed by pointless fights.
Randy’s fights don’t usually last long since they can be summed up to a couple of beers being thrown and some punches being exchanged. It’s usually more trash-talk than anything else, because when you’re a little league dad overcompensating for something, you’ve got to be able to talk like a big man. The question is, what was Randy compensating for so much that he needed to fight other fathers?
6. CLEARLY, HE HAS A PROBLEM
At this point, it’s probably redundant to acknowledge that Randy has a drinking problem. He finds any excuse to go down to the local bar, drink with his friends, or participate in any activity that involves that sweet, sweet hooch. And as we know, Randy’s drinking gets out of control sometimes… okay, most times. This happens to the point where he gets arrested because of it, which is pretty characteristic of an alcoholic.
Randy’s issues with booze were best put on display in the “Bloody Mary” episode. In that episode, Randy decides to have a few drinks while Stan and the boys are at Karate class. By the time they get out, Randy is hammered, but he still thinks he can drive them home safely. But, after a few minutes of drunken Randy swerving all over the world, a cop pulls him over. He then winds up being arrested for a DUI, and the rest of the episode goes over Randy dealing with his addiction problem.
5. OBSESSED WITH COOKING SHOWS
Aside from drinking, Randy has another addiction that he has a hard time dealing with, and that’s cooking shows. He just can’t seem to get enough of them. Knowing that Randy becomes carried away with his machinations of being a chef, Sharon warns him about watching those shows but he does it anyway. Because Randy has an unhealthy obsession with cooking, he ditches everything for the pleasure of cooking, and sometimes it gets a bit weird.
Season 14, Episode 14 of South Park begins with Randy innocently watching television before bed. Sharon goes up to bed but he stays up for a while longer. When she walks away, Randy flips the channel to a cooking show and he proceeds to ogle the television. He gets so into the show that he appears to be aroused by the program. The rest of the episode then follows Randy as his obsession with cooking continues to manifest itself in more, interesting ways.
4. MOVED HIS FAMILY FOR INTERNET INDISCRETIONS
In the “Over Logging” episode, yet another of Randy’s obsessions gets exposed. It turns out that Randy really needs the internet, so much so that he can’t bare to live without it. When Randy finds out South Park is completely out of internet, he packs up his family and takes them across the country in search of more internet. Randy lies to them, saying that it’s for the family’s benefit but the truth is, Randy needs internet for its… more lascivious materials.
After leaving South Park, the Marsh family ventures to California where they find a bit of internet, but it’s regulated. Each person who wants to use the one computer with internet access only receives a minute of time and that isn’t enough for Randy. So, when the compound shuts down for the night, Randy sneaks into the bungalow where the computer is housed and he gets the release he’s been looking for.
3. SAID THE WORST WORD ON LIVE TV
Somehow, Randy Marsh gets a chance to compete on Wheel Of Fortune. He gets all the way up to the final showcase but the last word jumble has him stumped. Randy manages to get most of the letters correct, he just can’t seem to figure out what the last letter is. It asks him to name a group of people who are annoying but Randy is hesitant to answer. Pat Sajak gives Randy one last chance to solve the puzzle and he blurts out what he thinks is right. The audience and everyone watching are appalled by Randy’s guess.
When that final letter dropped, the answer turned out to be “naggers,” and not the horrible racial slur that Randy assumed it was. Randy’s foul-up then leads to the entire town of South Park berating him for it. He basically becomes a pariah because of his racist comment. Lucky for Randy, and thanks to the bonkers satirical logic of South Park, apologizing to Jesse Jackson absolves him of all wrong-doing.
2. PERFORMED BAD MAGIC TRICKS
When Randy hears that the boys have gotten into playing Magic The Gathering at the adult level, he gets the wrong idea. He thinks it’s the same kind of magic he used to perform in college but that’s the farthest thing from the truth. In reality, Randy’s form of magic involves the use of his bits while the boys use “Magic” cards. The thing is, Randy doesn’t know the difference.
Even when the Amazingly Randi takes a gig at a kid’s birthday party and the parents report him, he still doesn’t get what’s going on. It’s actually when Randy decides to perform as the halftime entertainment for the big Magic The Gathering bout at Panda Express that he gets busted. Randy finishes his performance but the whole thing ends with him and the police alone in the Panda Express basement.
1. WROTE A MUSICAL
At first glance, the notion of Randy writing a musical doesn’t sound all that bad. Most musicals tend to send a positive message, whereas Randy’s is more provocative than anything. See, his intention is to verbally stimulate his wife and women alike with the subtext of his musical.
What Randy doesn’t count on is other Broadway producers not liking his production. When they learn of Randy producing a musical of his own, they try to shut him down, but it doesn’t work. Eventually, Randy and Stephen Sondheim get into a bro-down outside of a questionable establishment and they handle their disagreements like bros. This leads to Randy and the Broadway producers working together on the house-play put on by Randy. Unfortunately for Randy, karma came back to bite him with Shelly attending a musical that’s equally provocative.
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