A disclaimer at the beginning of Smiley Face Killers asserts that “what you are about to see is inspired by true events,” and further title cards explain the smiley face murders theory, which exists at the intersection of urban legend, conspiracy theory and legitimate criminal investigation. A group of retired police detectives and other criminal justice experts have proposed that a number of deaths of male college students that were ruled accidental drownings were actually the work of a serial killer or killers, linked by graffiti of a smiley face that has been found near the scene of some of those deaths. The movie posits more than 150 of these deaths since 1997, although that number (like everything about the controversial theory) has been disputed.

It’s a good hook for a horror movie, though, and the lack of hard evidence gives screenwriter Bret Easton Ellis the freedom to make up whatever he wants about the culprits behind the alleged smiley face murders. But instead of expanding on the details of the real case, Smiley Face Killers spends the majority of its running time on a slow, dull drama about a vapid college student having a mildly bad week. The movie begins with glimpses of an ominous white van abducting young men along the California coast (although the alleged real cases mostly occurred in the Midwest), and that white van then lurks in the background for the next 45 minutes or so, as California college student Jake (Ronen Rubinstein) deals with his boring personal problems.

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Jake’s poorly defined angst is possibly related to his decision to stop taking medication for his also poorly defined mental health issues (there’s a lot of talk about Jake’s “meds,” and whether he is on them or off them). Jake’s best friend and soccer teammate Adam (Garrett Coffey) and Jake’s girlfriend Keren (Mia Serafino) are both concerned about him, although they seem equally concerned with whether he can procure some ecstasy for their latest party. Jake is convinced that Keren is still hung up on her ex-boyfriend Rob (Cody Simpson), and he becomes increasingly paranoid as Keren acts somewhat friendly toward the clearly nonthreatening Rob.

Ronen Rubinstein and Mia Serafino in Smiley Face Killers

Nothing about this drama is scary or suspenseful in the slightest, even when a hooded figure sneaks into Jake’s bedroom and plants a paper map with the sites of various killings helpfully marked with smiley faces, and then messes with Jake’s laptop and cell phone in some unclear way. Director Tim Hunter fills the first half of the movie with aimless scenes of Jake going about his daily business, often shirtless, that would be titillating if they weren’t so bland. Jake’s relationships with the people in his social circle are completely generic and unconvincing (“You are so hot,” he tells Keren with a complete lack of conviction), and it’s impossible to feel invested in the hastily sketched love triangle.

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It’s easy to forget, too, that this is a movie supposedly about a prolific team of serial killers, since their only presence is that white van and the occasional quick glimpse of a hooded figure. It takes nearly an hour before the killers actually invade Jake’s life, and once the murders start, Hunter amps up the gore, almost overcompensating for the complete lack of scares in the first two-thirds of the movie. But the killers’ behavior never resembles the approach of the alleged real-life murderers, and any conspiracy fans looking for some new true-crime fodder here will be frustrated and disappointed.

Crispin Glover in Smiley Face Killers

Ellis and Hunter depict the killers as the members of some kind of cult, apparently run by a mute, disfigured leader played by Crispin Glover. Glover has been promoted as the star of the movie, but he barely appears onscreen and has no lines, and although the actor maintains his notably creepy presence, the character could really have been played by anyone in a hood and cloak and achieved the same effect. The killers keep sending Jake text messages that “the water wants you,” but the cult’s beliefs are never explained and are barely even depicted, since the filmmakers wait until the movie is nearly over before giving a glimpse inside that van and showing what the killers have planned for Jake.

Ellis was once a bold and transgressive writer whose works were adapted into stylish films like American Psycho and The Rules of Attraction, but here his take on both college life and serial murder is timid and forgettable, full of lifeless dialogue and flat characters. It doesn’t help that the performances from all of the young actors are wooden and sluggish, failing to generate any emotional investment in whether these cardboard creations live or die. If it weren’t for Ellis’ name and the opportunistic connection to a popular conspiracy theory, Smiley Face Killers would be just another bargain-basement direct-to-video horror movie, cheaply marking time until it delivers on its meager threats of violence.

Starring Ronen Rubinstein, Mia Serafino, Cody Simpson, Garrett Coffey and Crispin Glover, Smiley Face Killers is available Tuesday, Dec. 8 on VOD, DVD and Blu-ray.

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