Look, we’re pretty open minded here. We’re certainly no strangers to sexuality in comics. As a matter of fact, we spend most days just hunting down innuendo in Batman books, yet a line must be drawn somewhere between hot, weird and wrong. Joker’s “crime boner” (as in blunder) from Batman #66? Probably our favorite comic, ever. Gentleman Ghost can’t fight Star-Girl because she’s “never been kissed”? Odd, but alright. Superman doing a skin flick with Big Barda in Action Comics #593? Getting weirder, but still kinda acceptable. What about Poison Ivy smoking out Batman on some customized cannabis in order to seduce him, or the “orgiastic activities” of Aunt May and Uncle Ben? Now you’ve got our attention.
What separates hot and weird? The question at the heart of this listicle isn’t if the comic in question is too hot to reprint; rather, it is this: would humanity itself have been better off if these comics never existed in the first place? Whether it’s because of the over-the-top storylines, overly suggestive art, questionable content or simply sneaking one past the censors, these 15 comics are just plain too weird and/or straight-up wrong to exist, even for our depraved tastes. As John Hartigan from Frank Miller’s Sin City succinctly summarizes, “There’s wrong and there’s wrong… and then there’s this.”
15. AVIAX SAVES THE DINOSAURS
Would you have relations with every dinosaur to save them? Of course not, some things are meant to die. Aviax from 1989’s The Wanderers #12 by Doug Moench, Dave Hoover and Robert Campanella disagrees. Being able to turn into any bird, and therefore dinosaur, Aviax proposes adding his radiological-immune DNA to the dinosaurs of planet W-23 to save them from radioactive clouds.
Aviax claims, “I fail to see how blessing a planet with the rich gift of avian diversity could possible be construed as ‘ridiculous.'” Really, Aviax? Because like 10 pages later you’re fighting a lady-dino’s boyfriend before forcing yourself on her. Just overlooking what’s immediately wrong with this plan, which involves way too much saurian assault and Wanderer voyeurism, wouldn’t the next generation of Dino-Aviaxes all be related? Did Aviax just want to test-drive some dino dingus?
Trouble by Mark Millar, Terry and Rachel Dodson fills us in on the “orgiastic activities” of Aunt May, Uncle Ben and Spider-Man’s biological parent,s Richard and Mary, back when they were just teenagers working in the Hamptons. Yes, Spider-Man’s wife and mother – who resembles Gwen Stacy – are both named Mary. Also Oedipal, when Ben realizes he’s out of condoms, Aunt May presents a prophylactic while proclaiming “Face it tiger – you just hit the jackpot!”
Smash-cut to Trouble #2: “Ben? You done?” May also cheats on Ben with his brother and her bff’s bf, Richard, loses at strip poker with some townies, gets pregnant, and then shacks up with a guy who smells like battery acid (read: meth). There’s also an exposition-based fortune teller prophecy, a two-page long innuendo montage and May may be Spider-Man’s mom. It’s all pretty much gross.
13. THUNDERCATS: THE RETURN
Thundercats: The Return by Ford Lytle Gilmore and Ed Benes is set in a grim-dark Thundera where Lion-O has been gone for five years and Mumm-Ra bangs recently-legal kittens. The once adorable kitten-kid-twins Wilykit and Wilykat are hyper-sexualized teens, outfitted in Egyptian-themed Slave-Leia golden bikinis as Mumm-Ra’s slaves.
While Wilykit – the girl one – bathes his mummified junk, Mumm-Ra elaborates: “Surely you’re treated better as my concubine than as a worker in the mines, or in the fields, or building one of my edifices. But still… All of those things would have been less demeaning, no?” Though only Wilykit is specifically referred to as a consort, Wilykat redresses Mumm-Ra’s bandages, so he’s definitely touched Mumm-Ra’s cured privates. Also, Cheetara is chained up as an offering to some mutants. It’s gross. Really, really gross.
12. X-TREME X-MEN
The space invader Khan has an army of consorts, yet wants only Storm to be his queen after knocking her out in 2011’s X-Treme X-Men #12 by Chris Claremont and Salvador Larroca. After being bathed by Khan’s tentacled handmaidens, the leader of the X-Treme X-Men resists her captor before making out with him, exclaiming: “I will not be conquered, Khan! But I can choose… to surrender.”
While Storm is just playing along to distract Khan from his invasion of Earth, Khan’s war-harem gets jelly, immediately attempting to assassinate Storm. It’s super hard to vilify these women however, as they are described as “everybody else in the harem who dreamed of that crown… and ended up as consorts instead.” Believe it or not, it’s sometimes impossible to enjoy a splash page brawl in a grotto where every combatant is rocking a Slave-Leia bikini.
11. THE DEVIL’S TRIDENT
The Elder Lord Trigon possesses Red Robin and manages to make out with Solstice – Kid Flash’s girlfriend – before sleeping with Wonder Girl, as Trigon’s daughter Raven watches through a blood portal in 2013’s Teen Titans #17 by Scott Lobdell, Eddy Barrows and Jesus Merino. After defeating Trigon in Teen Titans #22 however, Raven reveals that Trigon had been possessing Robin, seducing both of his teammates to make Robin more uninhibited.
So standard-demon machinations… but the trouble arises with the next issue, wherein Wonder Girl admits she sorta wanted to sleep with the possessed-Robin, before making out with Superboy: “The truth is you don’t do anything you don’t want to do.” Kid Flash also makes out with Solstice, forgiving her for making out with his best friend. So, that’s two relationships ultimately strengthened by a demon warlord manipulating teens into getting frisky… Titans Go?
10. NEW GUARDIANS #2
The problem with 1988’s New Guardians #2 isn’t the cocaine-powered Snowflame, but rather its B-plot revolving around the fallout of a fight against the white supremacist vampire, Hemo-Goblin. Hemo-Goblin manages to draw blood from three members of the New Guardians before being beat down by the entire team, who flee the Airport Hilton before the police arrive.
Hemo-Goblin dies in captivity, not due to excessive force, however, as the teams discovers that, “The monster died of AIDs.” Three members of the Guardians may be HIV positive – not vampires – including the openly gay wizard Extraño, which is Spanish for “strange.” Homage to Dr. Strange, or kind of offensive codename? Not so coincidentally, it turns out that Extraño is HIV positive, due to previous sexual encounters, not vampires. Regardless, you really can’t use “which one of these characters got an STD?” as a cliffhanger.
9. RAWHIDE KID
What if the cowboy from The Village People was a superhero? The answer is 2003’s Rawhide Kid by Ron Zimmerman and John Severn, wherein Johnny Bart, The Rawhide Kid, is reimagined as basically every gay stereotype, ever. A faster gunslinger than Wyatt Earp – “who is soooooo overrated” – The Rawhide Kid’s shooting is almost as sharp as his fashion sense, with nearly every line reminding you of Rawhide’s sexuality or wardrobe: Bat Masterson? “Ugh, Niiiiightmare!” Fist-fight? “Watch the face! Watch the face!”
During his downtime, Rawhide does crunches in what has to be the first ever pair of spandex underwear. Rawhide Kid has a mature content warning, not because of any overt sexuality, but rather because of the abundance of lame gay jokes. Playing devil’s advocate, maybe Rawhide is being extra fabulous as means of showing pride as the ostensibly only out cowboy. On the other hand: “Toodles!”
8. NEW MUTANTS #17
The New Mutants go to Hell to save Pixie in 2010’s New Mutants #17 by Zeb Wells, Dave Wilkins and Leonard Kirk, encountering demons who all speak a bizarre language. It wouldn’t be Hell without some sort of depravity, however, as this demonic gobbledygook is actually a fairly simple word-substitution cypher that is as easy to translate as it is raunchy. For example, Magik asks a demonic subordinate if he can “See that guy’s balls?” His response? “Yeah…they were weird.”
It only gets better. Magik greets Cannoball with a “Hey, d*ck breath.” Magik’s battlecry on a hell-raptor, and/or possibly the steed’s name is “Pork Chop!” The mutant linguist Cypher even picks up the Limbo-language while expressing his frustration towards some leashed demon-frogs with a hearty “**** nuts!”
7. DEATHSTROKE’S GF
During 1980’s “Teen Titans: The Judas Contract” by Marv Wolfman and George Pérez, The Teen Titan Terra reveals that she’s been a sleeper agent working for Slade Wilson all along, with an emphasis on “sleeper,” embracing the Titans’ nemesis in a loving embrace. After betraying her teammates, Terra celebrates with Deathstroke by knocking pirate-boots. The original intention of this scene was to show that Terra was so evil, she not only smokes cigarettes, but also hooks up with super-villains.
Despite these intentions, Terra’s relationship with Slade comes across more as an underage girl being taken advantage by an older man, not unlike Jodie Foster’s character in Taxi Driver, but with earth-bending powers. Modern retellings of “The Judas Contract” run with this interpretation, rewriting Terra as a confused girl manipulated by a mastermind villain.
6. RED SONJA’S ORIGINAL ORIGIN
The original Red Sonja gained her divine fighting powers after being left for dead by a band of marauders who burned down Sonja’s home and ravaged her. Basically the plot of I Spit On Your Grave, but with the one caveat that Sonja will lose her powers if she sleeps with any man who first bests her in combat. To paraphrase Peter David, this basically means that Sonja can only have sex with someone after reliving the most horrible experience of her life. Furthermore, can Sonja go for girls without a trial-by-combat?
Gail Simone responds to this controversial power-set in 2o14’s Red Sonja #10, with art by Walter Geovani, when Sonja encounters Osric The Untouched, who will only sleep with someone after they first best him in combat. All Sonja can say is: “That is without question the stupidest thing I have ever heard.”
5. AVENGERS #71
Hank Pym gets all up in Jan’s “subatomic universe” at the start of 2003’s Avengers #71 by Geoff Johns and Stephen Sadowski, emerging glistening and naked from betwixt Janet’s bosom before announcing “Alright Jan – your turn.” Wait so, does Hank mean that it’s Janet’s turn to get pleasure, or is it Janet’s turn to do sultry/subatomic things to Hank? Does she dress up like Ultron?
We’re not even being subjective for saying this scene was too raunchy, as these three panels have been removed from all digital editions of Avengers #71. Don’t worry, there’s still plenty of bizarre psychosexual leftovers to enjoy, as the rest of the issue features Whirlwind forcing himself on Jan by licking her face. A gigantic, cuckolded Hank Gym punts Whirlwind into the glowing phallic tip of The Luxor casino, regaining his masculinity as he macks on Janet.
The thirteen-year-old Green Lantern Arisia Rrab takes her juvenile crush on Hal Jordan into creepy territory in Green Lantern Corps #206 by Steve Englehart and Joe Staton. Jealous of Hal’s girlfriend, Arisia wishes that she were older, unintentionally causing her power ring to subconsciously age her body to legal age overnight. Though Arisia no longer has a prepubescent body, she still has a prepubescent mind – basically the plot of the movie Big, but with aliens.
Despite being powered by willpower, Hal Jordan shows little resistance when he’s trapped in a cave with this dedicated fangirl in a mini-skirt. Hal later gets drunk with Arisia – or “Little Sister” as he used to call her – on space-booze before making out with her in The Green Lantern Corps #211. Hal Jordan, you patrol the entire galaxy – and sometimes alternate universes – for work as a superhero. Date literally anything else.
3. SUPER-TEACHER HELPS SUPERBOY GET SUPER-LAID
The robot Super-Teacher from Kypton returns to Earth to “help” Superboy lose his virginity in 1977’s DC Super-Stars #12 by Cary Bates and Curt Swan. Clark encounters Misty, a classmate who had figured out Superboy’s identity by comparing signatures. Now sharing Clark’s biggest secret, Misty becomes the first girl to proverbially “enter the Fortress of Solitude.”
Things take a turn for the worse when a roaming pack of sasquatches squash Superboy’s relationship by incapacitating Misty with a precisely thrown pebble to the temple. Unfortunately, Super-Teacher reveals that this was a test, as “Misty” was just some random girl who Super-Teacher thought Clark would find hot, brainwashed/conditioned to have all of the personality qualities that Clark finds attractive. The “test” complete, Super-Teacher wipes Misty’s memory to preserve Superboy’s secret identity, and precisely zero Kryptonians/robots/sasquatches go to jail.
2. THE WIDENING GYRE
Batman’s utility belt is overloaded with innuendo in 2003’s Batman The Widening Gyre by Kevin Smith, Walter Flanagan and Art Thibert. Take Poison Ivy, who introduces herself hanging spread-eagle from some vines: “You know what gynoecium is Batman? Well my gynoecium’s on fire for you right now.” Gynoecium is the female part of the flower, so Ivy’s about as subtle as the single leaf covering her lady garden.
Batman has inoculated himself against Ivy’s pheromones, however The Dark Knight isn’t a stoner, as Ivy blazes him out with some THC-heavy cannabis. Also, Batman apparently had a “bladder spasm” during the dopest scene from “Batman: Year One.” Batman also starts a relationship with Silver St. Cloud, who calls Batman “DeeDee” because they hit “double digits” the first time they slept together. Incidentally, Batman’s island retreat is compromised because “The dolphins heard us having sex and told Aquaman.”
1. LOOSE LIPS
It’s almost cheating to include Jim Balent’s Tarot: Witch of The Black Rose given the mature content of the series; however, issue #53, or “Loose Lips,” is special. Crypt Chick and Skeleton Man face five ghost nurses who wish to retrieve their missing organs, because being an organ donor sucks when you’re a ghost with no eyes. Failing to save one victim from getting her lips ripped off, Skeleton Man crashes through Samantha Brown’s bedroom window to ensure that a uh, similar fate, doesn’t befall her, simultaneously producing one of the greatest lines in comics: “Samantha Brown! You have to get out of here! Your vagina is haunted!”
“What?!” responds Ms. Brown, which is really all we can say as the nurses forcibly retrieve their cadaver collagen with a scalpel. Incidentally, most collagen injections last only 6 to 12 months anyway, so this comic happened to us for nothing.
Can you think of a saucy comic we overlooked? What comic crossed the threshold of good taste for you? Let us know in the comments!
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