WARNING: The following article contains major spoilers for Ocean's 8, in theaters now.
The back and forth of expectations surrounding expectations for director Gary Ross' Ocean's 8 has certainly kept everyone in suspended animation. Fans of the original trilogy will find the spinoff fits Steven Soderbergh's mold almost to a T. And those hoping that a female-led cast would put a refreshing twist on the heist franchise may be disappointed to see the only real touch of so-called femininity is the all too-literal fashion-focused setting. Women be stealing jewels, ya'll.
Still, for its flaws, the film does craft an intricate, though perhaps overly tricky and circumstantial, multi-stepped heist. The plan can be difficult to keep up with, and relies heavily on suspension of disbelief in terms of stars aligning, technology saving the day and how much work seven women are capable of pulling off in three weeks.
REVIEW: Ocean's 8 Never Quite Hits the Mark
Here's a breakdown of the heist in case you missed a step, ran to the restroom, or simply can't believe they pulled off what they pulled off.
The plan starts with Debbie Ocean (Sandra Bullock), sister to George Clooney's Danny Ocean, having spent five years in prison stewing over what she considers to be a perfect heist. Upon her release, she reconnects with her partner and best friend, Lou (Cate Blanchett), to get the ball rolling. She wants to steal a $150 million Cartier diamond necklace off the neck of the celebrity, at the most exclusive party in the country: the Met Gala.
Step 1: Find a Designer to Create a Dress For a Celebrity Attendee
Strangely, this might be the most ludicrous step. Without already having a designer predisposed to criminal behavior, Debbie's plan seems especially difficult to pull off. Luckily, she and Lou do some research and find Rose Weil (Helena Bonham Carter), a has-been designer in serious debt. They then stage some elaborate gossip-column shenanigans to lure in actress Daphne Kluger (Anne Hathaway), making Weil seem like a must-have designer. Once Daphne hires Rose to make her gown, Rose has the leverage to convince Cartier to lend Daphne the diamond necklace. However, it comes with two armed guards and a ton of insurance.
Step 2: Assemble the Team
Debbie and Lou tap their extended network — is there a special LinkedIn for female criminal masterminds? — and gather the women they need to pull off the job. First, Amita (Mindy Kaling), who can take apart and build jewelry quickly and is desperate to get out of her mother's house. Next is Nine Ball (Rihanna), a hacker who helps the women access the Metropolitan Museum of Art's security cameras. There's Constance (Awkwafina), your standard hot-shot kleptomaniac with a light touch to do the actual stealing. And then, finally, there's Tammy (Sarah Paulson), legitimately is the team's master of all trades, but who's supposed to be its gadget wizard. Of course, Tammy is also a mother; how else could she juggle it all?
You'll notice that only puts us at seven people. We'll get to that.
Page 2: [valnet-url-page page=2 paginated=0 text='Counterfeiting%2C%20Hacking%20%26%20Poisoning']
Step 3: Scan the Necklace and Make a 3D Zirconia Copy
Cartier is resistant to let its $150 million diamond necklace out the vault to be worn by anyone, but amazingly Rose convinces the company. The jeweler gives Rose and Amita access to the vault, where Rose has to scan the necklace with her high-tech glasses. Of course, the vault is encased in cement, so her connection is bad and she has to get Cartier to agree to allow her see the necklace in sunlight, and for long enough to complete the scan. She pulls it off, and back at headquarters the team create a zirconia replica of the necklace using a 3D printer procured by Tammy.
Step 4: Force the Met to Reconfigure Its Security System Planting a Banksy Painting
Yeah, this is as convoluted as it sounds. Tammy distracts a security guard and Debbie somehow hangs a Banksy painting in one of the Met's gallery (which "he" supposedly does at the Tate Modern Art Museum as well, a side note no one ever explains). This spurs a discussion by the museum to revamp security. Debbie and her team want them to change things up so no one will notice when they make changes of their own to the security cameras through Nine Ball's ingenious hacking.
Step 5: Get Tammy Hired at Vogue, Allowing Access to the Met Gala and Its Vendors
Sarah Paulson's character carries a serious load in this caper. After getting all the gadgets the team needs, she somehow interviews for and then lands a position at Vogue (cue the Anna Wintour cameo). This affords her pictures of the Met's seating plan, the ability to recommend a special catering company (Lou) for dietary needs, and also puts her front and center at the event. Not like it's difficult to get a job at Vogue ... working the biggest event in fashion.
Step 6: Hack the Met's Security Camera's With a Cute-Dog Email Virus
Nine Ball Facebook-stalks the Met's chief of security, discovers his penchant for Wheaten Terriers, and gets him to click on a spam email that directs him to a website full of adorable Terriers. That gives her access to his computer, where she manipulates several cameras, creating a blind spot at the restroom. That gives the ladies about 12 feet of space to enter and leave the restroom without being seen.
Step 8: Go to the Gala, Poison Daphne
After a slight hiccup when the team discovers the necklace can only be removed with a special magnet that Nine Ball's kid sister just so happens to be a wizard at, the ladies glam up and get to the gala. First order of business is to feed Daphne a poisoned bowl of soup, getting her to run to the restroom. Easy for Lou, who's in charge of catering her meal.
Page 3: [valnet-url-page page=3 paginated=0 text='Oh%2C%20Did%20We%20Mention%20the%20Side-Heists%3F']
Step 9: Nab the Necklace As Daphne Spews, Then Get It to the Kitchen
Constance positions herself in the restroom, locking all the doors but one, and Debbie keeps guard outside so that when Daphne comes running in, Constance is able to "help" her out and slip off that heavy necklace. She pockets the necklace then hands it off to Debbie at the door. A busboy with plates is sent by Tammy past their location, permitting Debbie to plant the necklace on the tray. It arrives in the kitchen, where Amita is posing as a dishwasher, she grabs the necklace and retreats into another restroom. Amazingly, it's been renovated into a sort of jewelry shop, complete with all the tools she needs to disassemble the necklace.
Step 10: Split Up the Necklace Up, Plant the Fake and Leave the Gala
While Amita takes the necklace apart, the rest of the Met attendees are forced out of the dinner party to search for the missing necklace, which Daphne doesn't recall losing. In the nick of time, Tammy pulls the fake necklace from beneath her gown, claiming to have found it. Constance slinks out of the restroom now that people are being let back into the building. Nine Ball gets gussied up and joins the gala just long enough to grab her portion of the necklace, and each team member leaves smugly with a share.
Steps 11-20: The Double Side-Heists
Everyone gets their share of diamonds and, with the help of a few older ladies supposedly selling their vintage jewelry, are able to sell off the diamonds for the cash they desire. Then, of course, comes the insurance inquisition in the form of John Frazier (James Corden). He knows Debbie, and saw her on camera at the gala. Once the necklace is called out as a fake, he's hired to uncover what happened. Debbie manages a side-heist that pins the blame on her ex (the one who got her wrongly thrown into prison).
To fully pull off placing blame (despite literally every single member of the team being at the scene of the crime), Debbie and Lou bring Daphne in on the ruse (which sort of negates all that hard work, but OK). She helps them pin the job on Debbie's ex, thus getting Frazier off their backs.
RELATED: Is Matt Damon Actually in Ocean's 8?
Of course, there's a tiny twist in the end: The other-other heist within the heist, but that one would require a whole other set of steps outlined. Needless to say, it too is questionably intricate.
A number of things are required to go well for this heist to work; everyone needs a do-it-all Tammy in their life, amirite? Not to mention, the film seriously underplays the difficulty of obtaining jobs at high-profile companies and the logic of stealing jewelry at a super-secure event. Not to mention, none of the team even remotely tries to disguise themselves, despite all those cameras and the dodginess of their presence at the event.
Watching the puzzle pieces snap together is satisfying in itself, although one can't help but wonder whether Tammy should have spent her time learning the stock market while in prison instead. But then we wouldn't have such a fun movie.
Directed by Gary Ross, Ocean’s 8 stars Sandra Bullock, Cate Blanchett, Mindy Kaling, Sarah Paulson, Anne Hathaway, Awkwafina, Rihanna, Helena Bonham Carter and James Corden.