Although we’ve had shower thoughts for as long as there have been thoughts and showers, the term was first officially acknowledged on the internets when someone with the handle Kageka submitted the term to Urban Dictionary at the beginning of 2009. Two years later it became a topic on Reddit. It’s okay to admit it: we’ve all had shower thoughts. For example, if Santa knows if you’re naughty or nice, why didn’t he know that Rudolph was being bullied? Or the term “dad bod” would be better described as “father figure.” These thoughts are important ways to analyze daily life, but we should definitely spend more of our shower brain energy on superheroes.
Superheroes are larger than life, but when you stop to think about it, things start to get weird. For example, when we were younger we used to fantasize about being Batman, but you’ve officially become an adult when your life goals are being Bruce Wayne. Maybe you don’t want to be a playboy and you want to get married. If you were Wonder Woman and you married Optimus Prime would that make you Amazon Prime? When it’s a shower thought, you’re not overthinking it!
16. DRESS FOR THE JOB YOU WANT
Spider-Man’s costume consists of a spider insignia on his chest and a web pattern over his red and black spandex. Batman has the bat-symbol as well as a cape and cowl that emulates the winged outline of a bat. Even Superman has a giant “S” on his chest (it doesn’t stand for Super, but don’t tell him that). So what’s the deal with Robin?
Dick Grayson, while an acrobat with his parents (The Flying Graysons) was given the nickname Robin due to how he moved through the air. He would later keep this moniker when he partnered up with Bruce Wayne to fight crime, but unlike Batman his outfit has nothing that even resembles the colorful bird. Robins don’t wear tights or masks, so a great branding opportunity was missed. Good job, Dick!
15. THE HEADBONE IS CONNECTED TO THE DEADPOOL BONE
Who has the better regenerating power, Deadpool or Wolverine? In the now defunct Ultimate Universe, Wolverine’s body was ripped in half by the Hulk, then his head was separated from the rest of what was left by S.H.I.E.L.D. Due to his awesome mutant powers he was still alive, but Wolverine’s head didn’t grow a new body. What about Deadpool?
Thanks to Dr. Killebrew from the Weapon X Program, Deadpool has amazing healing abilities. Similar to Logan there are Marvel timelines that have him living hundreds of years into the future as well as surviving massive trauma, such as the Hulk crushing his head. But if you separate his head from his body, what would grow from what? Would you want to see two Wade Wilsons running around the Marvel Universe?
14. HOUSTON, WE HAVE NO PROBLEMS
NASA launched two deep space probes in 1977 named Voyager 1 and Voyager 2. If an alien were ever to find it (like in the 1984 movie Starman and the 1979 film Star Trek: The Motion Picture) they would open up the probe and discover a gold-plated old school phonograph record. The information stored on it contained a variety of audio information, such as the sounds of a baby crying, music by Chuck Berry, and photos of the Earth.
But what if we wanted to get a little creative? What if we could swap out the old gold vinyl record and replace it with a blu-ray of The Avengers? How wonderfully confusing would that be to aliens? Would they be intimidated by Earth’s Mightiest Heroes, or would they welcome the challenge and come to invade Earth? Only one way to find out!
13. GET A JOB, BATMAN!
Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman. Then always be Batman. Why? Because when you look at The Caped Crusader he’s got the best of both worlds: during the day Bruce Wayne is a playboy billionaire and at night he’s Batman, fighting crime with his gadgets, his fighting skills, and his awesome brain. But is Batman actually a loser?
C’mon, Batman, you’re still in your parents’ basement! Granted, the basement happens to be the Batcave, which in the past was used to transport slaves along the underground railroad by Bruce’s ancestors, now stores Batman’s suits, weapons, vehicles, the Batcomputer, a giant penny, a mechanical Tyrannosaurus Rex, and much more. Does Alfred clean up the place when he’s not feeding the American Brown Bats that live there? When are you going to get a place of your own, Bruce?
12. DOES BATMAN HAVE SUNBLOCK IN HIS UTILITY BELT?
Just when you thought Batman wasn’t deadly enough (he knows over 120 martial arts) he carries on him a deadly utility belt filled with Bat-gadgets. If you forget the Bat-shark repellant that the Adam West version of Batman carried, you know that later, more mature versions of the character carried smoke bombs, acid, grappling guns, batarangs, and more. What about sunscreen?
Batman often engages in intense hand-to-hand combat, and protects every inch of his body except for his eyes and his mouth. Batman shouldn’t worry about a stray attack cutting his mouth, he should worry about the sun. How does he justify to the people he meets during the day that he has weird tan lines around his mouth? Perhaps that’s why he disappears so quickly from conversations: to go re-apply sunscreen!
11. DOES THAT MAKE FOGGY NELSON ROBIN?
What’s in a name? When you hear the name Superman, you think of a person with tremendous abilities and skills. When you hear Iron Man you think of fortitude and invulnerability. Hulk’s name speaks for itself, but what about when you talk about Batman? If you’ve never heard of him before, what would you envision? Would you picture a hero with the properties of a bat, namely sonar abilities? Super agility?
Well, we actually just described Daredevil. Matt Murdock as a child was exposed to radiation and although he was robbed of his sight was granted heightened senses. He has no fear, relentlessly fights crime at night, and the very mention of his name scares criminals. Wait, that was actually a description of Batman! Is it too late for us to swap out their names? Can Robin assist Matt Murdock in the courtroom?
10. AQUAMAN IS STILL THE BUTT OF JOKES
Massive efforts were made during DC’s New 52 to take Aquaman more seriously. In Justice League, Aquaman’s image was radically changed when Jason Momoa was cast. The blond hair and orange scaled shirt was replaced with black hair and full body tattoos. Bruce Wayne makes fun of Arthur Curry, asking if he can speak to fish. He doesn’t do that in Justice League and oddly enough spends more time fighting in the air than he does under water. So does that mean it’s finally cool to like Aquaman?
The answer is: no, not yet. The movie won’t come out until December of 2018 and everyone can cross their collective fingers and hope James Wan’s take on the character is as awesome as Patty Jenkins’ portrayal of Wonder Woman. Until then, the jokes about the ruler of Atlantis aren’t going to end anytime soon.
9. HEY, DOG, I HEAR YOU LIKE WONDER WOMAN…
A lot of fans breathed a sigh of relief when they saw Wonder Woman. People were concerned about Gal Gadot and how Wonder Woman would be portrayed on the big screen, especially after the Wonder Woman television pilot starring Adrianne Palicki failed to get picked up. The film was a financial and critical success. Gal Gadot and director Patty Jenkins will return for the sequel, slated to premiere November 2019.
Wonder Woman has made over $800 million with about half of the amount earned overseas. We hope those in Brazil will watch the movie and celebrate the way people get excited when a clock reads 11:11 on November 11th. Some may know him as Alvin Nathaniel Joiner, but most know him as Xzibit, and most are familiar with the “Yo Dawg” meme. So on behalf of Xzibit, those in the Amazon should enjoy the Amazon, courtesy of Amazon.
8. IT HURTS EVERY TIME, BUB
Fans of Wolverine, rejoice! Although Logan was killed off in 2014 when he was turned into an Adamantium statue, he mysteriously made his return in Marvel Legacy #1 holding an Infinity Stone. After the Marvel event House of M, Logan was able to recall all of the details of his past, but it’s safe to say that there are still a few mysteries surrounding Logan that have yet to be answered.
Thanks to his healing factor, we know that Logan can’t get drunk, but can he get tattoos? Piercings? How about a circumcision? We know that Logan’s mutant powers didn’t manifest until his father was killed in front of him when he was a boy in the Marvel series Origins. So… are parts of him growing back? Which X-Man do we ask to confirm this?
7. HEROES VS. VILLAINS
If you look at Joseph Campbell’s breakdown of the Hero’s Journey, the hero goes on a transformative quest where, whether they win or lose, wind up as different people than when they started their adventure. When you think about a protagonist, they are in effect the character with the most potential for change. So why is it that heroes are fighting agents of change?
Yes it’s true that supervillains often try to conquer the planet, but in their mind, their way of doing things would be better than the way things are now. Considering how derisive and complex current politics and governments are, why are heroes fighting to maintain the status quo? Shouldn’t they be the ones fighting for massive change? Who are the real heroes and villains? This may be the biggest shower thought ever!
6. DOES THIS MEAN WONDER WOMAN GETS THE SPIDER-MOBILE?
Spider-Man: Homecoming premiered in June of 2017 and was considered financially and critically successful. Besides having Michael Keaton play a villainous bird character, the film surprisingly was missing what some thought were key, must-have elements in it, such as the re-telling of the death of Uncle Ben. Even the origins of his powers aren’t seen in the film.
Spider-Sense was also missing from the film, but it also oddly enough had things in it that other films were missing. In the climax of the film, Spider-Man fights against The Vulture while on top of Tony Stark’s cloaked plane flying over New York. Yes, Spider-Man had an invisible plane in the movie whereas Wonder Woman did not. Perhaps Uncle Ben was killed in Wonder Woman when she’s in No Man’s Land?
5. SHOULD HE HAVE THE LETTERS “NA” ON HIS CHEST?
The “S” symbol on Superman’s chest isn’t the letter “S,” it’s actually a Kryptonian symbol used by all members of the House of El that stands for “hope.” Does that mean that Clark Kent is really Hope-Man? No, because he’s not a human being. He may look like one and was raised with Kansas City values, but Kal El is a Kryptonian.
As abnormal as it may be for Superman to have powers, it’s quite normal for a Kryptonian, when exposed to our yellow sun, to gain superhuman abilities. So because this is a normal thing to happen, there’s nothing super about him. In fact, his name is completely off because it infers he’s a human with extraordinary abilities, when in actuality he’s an alien functioning exactly the way he’s supposed to! “Save me, Normal Alien!”
4. CLARK KENT IS IRON MAN!
Did you hear the urban legend about why car company Chevrolet couldn’t sell the Chevy Nova in Mexico? Because “no va” means “doesn’t go” in Spanish. Granted, the story isn’t true but it does bring up that things can get embarrassingly lost in translation when trying to convert English into other languages. Another myth is the slogan “Come Alive with Pepsi” translated into Chinese became “Pepsi will revive your ancestors from the dead.” Not bad for a beverage!
Given all of the confusion that English can create, do our superheroes make it any easer for those that speak English as a second language? Aquaman isn’t made out of water, Green Lantern is named after what he uses not what he is, and those in Australia may think the Human Torch is a flashlight, so let’s hope that no one watches Justice League hoping for the return of Robert Downey, Jr.
3. IS THE DEATH STAR POWERED BY HULK’S RAGE?
Back in 2012, Disney bought Lucasfilm for about $4 billion, and one of the initial shower thoughts was that Princess Leia was now an actual Disney Princess! Unfortunately, we have yet to see Leia Organa interact with Elsa on Hoth or with Cinderella on Coruscant. Could there be other Disney-owned combinations we haven’t considered yet?
In the 2016 film Rogue One, we learned that kyber crystals played an important part in the Death Star’s planet-destroying beam. A hyper-matter reactor provided the energy, but could another Disney-owned power source play a role? Maybe it’s the gamma radiation, maybe it’s the sheer rage emanating from him, but we think that the Incredible Hulk could be a possible candidate. Listen for his roars the next time you watch a Star Wars movie!
2. BATSIGNAL NEXT TO AN AD FOR DIAPERS?
If you watched the 2002 film Minority Report, you might have cringed when Tom Cruise’s character walked by an electronic billboard and he was bombarded with personalized advertisements. Similarly with the 1982 film Blade Runner, you might have strained your eyes looking at advertisements that took up the entire sides of 40 story buildings.
Is the Batsignal possible? Arguably yes; the notion of projecting Batman’s iconic symbol into the sky is possible, but the environmental conditions would need to be just right for everyone to see it. And if it was possible, the Bat signal might not be seen when having to compete with other signals in the sky advertising a variety of products that can be purchased at stores in Gotham. Seems like Batman is less of a reality than Captain Fantastic, whose armor was covered in product advertisements in the movie Mystery Men.
1. R.I.P. EXCELSIOR!
Did you know that Stanley Martin Lieber, the man who would later be known as Stan Lee, was born December of 1922? Whereas most people half his age retire, he currently has under his belt over 100 acting credits and 150 producing credits! Pop your claws if you think he’s going to be slowing down anytime soon? Yeah, we don’t think so, either!
However, there will be that unfortunate day in which we’ll turn on the internets and learn that he’s no longer with us. Can you imagine what his funeral will look like? He helped create Spider-Man, The Fantastic Four, The X-Men, Doctor Strange, Hulk, Thor, and many, many more characters. Although we’ll be sad when that inevitable day comes, we hope that it becomes a celebration that people will remember for years to come!
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