Over the decades, the quality of humor present in Spider-Man comics has varied from writer to writer. Most of what Stan Lee focused on was the drama in Peter Parker's life. Other writers came to use the witty banter from the web-slinger to break up the tension and to add humor to otherwise serious stories. Some did this better than others but over time, Spider-Man became known for his wit.
From tension breaking moments to perfect one-liners and witty quips, these humorous Spider-Man quotes stick out in the minds of readers and will not be soon forgotten.
10 "Are We On A Date?" Breaks The Tension During a Stake-out
In New Avengers #61 by Brian Michael Bendis and Stuart Immonen, Spider-Man and Spider-Woman are on a stake-out of Avengers Tower, watching for some sign that will give a clue to Norman Osborn's plans. During this, the discussion grows a bit serious as Spidey explains Osborn's penchant for instability.
This sparks Spider-Woman to use her SWORD-issued alien detector to see if Spider-Man is an alien. When noticed she admits that Spider-Man's either an alien or as she puts it, "The coolest guy I've ever met." This adds a little more tension to the scene with Spidey breaks with "Are we on a date?" It instantly breaks the tension and allows for the two heroes to discuss things in a less tense environment.
9 "Can I Throw Up Without A Stomach?" "You Think You've Got Problems, Shulkie? I'm Wearing A Full Facemask Here." Showed The Dilemma Spidey Often Faces
In Sensational She-Hulk #3 by John Byrne, Spider-Man finds himself coming to the rescue of She-Hulk's running afoul of the Headsmen. The Headsmen are evil scientists out to put their comrade Chondu's head on She-Hulk's super-strong body. Spidey quickly falls victim to She-Hulk's headless body controlled by the villains.
When he awakes, Chondu has gone berserk upon realizing that his comrades have turned him into a woman. Spidey punches him, knocking his head off of She-Hulk's body. She-Hulk comments how gross that looked and wonders if she can throw up without a stomach. Spidey remarks that his problem is keeping from throwing up in a full face mask.
8 "I'm Batman," Actually appeared in A Marvel Comic
In Runaways #11 by Matthew Vaughn and Adrian Alphona, the kids are helping Cloak and Dagger in New York City. Alex Ultron and Gert meet Spider-Man in an alley. Surprised and awe-struck, Gert fumbles Spidey's name. Spidey introduces himself in a humorous, "I'm Batman." Readers couldn't be faulted for thinking that Spidey uses a gravelly voice to deliver the line.
Of course, this does provide interesting anachronisms in the Marvel Universe. While the line is one of the more iconic moments from a 1989 film, it features a hero from another company. It's been established that Marvel Comics exists chronicling the adventures of real-life superheroes. What are Batman comics like in a world where superheroes actually exist? Do people believe Batman is as real as Spider-Man?
7 "Your Concern For My Welfare Touches Me Deeply!" Is An Early Bit Of Humor From Stan Lee
Amazing Spider-Man #8 by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko featured a backup story where Spider-Man bedeviled the Human Torch, out to make his perfect life a little rougher. This was when the two heroes were more young rivals than the close friends that they grew into. This altercation gets quickly out of hand and brings in the Torch's teammates in the Fantastic Four.
Spidey extends his donnybrook to the rest of the team, and the Thing gets involved. When he tells the webhead that he hopes his insurance is paid up Spidey comes off with the best comeback. "Your concern for my welfare touches me deeply, handsome!" is a case where Stan Lee's writing focused on Spider-Man's humorous side rather than his pathos.
6 "...Except The Dignity Of Knowing I Never Carried A Man Purse." Announced His Return To The Living
After Doctor Octopus took over Spider-Man's body, the personality of Spider-Man changed. Over the course of the many months that Doc Ock was in charge, the change became noticeable, especially to the Green Goblin. After regaining control, Spidey sets out to confront the Green Goblin.
In Superior Spider-Man #31 by Dan Slott, Christos Gage, and Giuseppe Camuncoli, the Goblin boasts that after Spider-Man saves Anna Maria Marconi, he'll have nothing left. That's when Spidey delivers a digging comeback that he has "The dignity of knowing I never carried a man purse." The Green Goblin knows that the original Spider-Man is back. While there is nothing wrong with someone carrying a purse, the fact that a simple joke was all it took for the Green Goblin to realize that his foe was back was entertaining.
5 "This Is Too Much Like Having A Couple Of Older, Meaner Brothers!" Shows Why Spidey Usually Works Alone
In Fantastic Four #267-269 by Walt Simonson and Art Adams, a Skrull terrorist tricks Spider-Man, Wolverine, the Hulk, and Ghost Rider into thinking that the Fantastic Four have been killed. The four then form the new Fantastic Four and it's in the second issue of the series where Spidey gets his best line.
The four come across a monster attacking a passenger jet and intervene. The Hulk jumps out of the Fantasticar and Spider-Man is relieved that he doesn't have to do the same thing. Wolverine then tells him that he has to help hold the plane together. Cursing, Spidey jumps and compares his teammates to "a couple of older, meaner brothers."
4 "But I Don't Want To Cure Cancer. I Want To Turn People Into Dinosaurs." Has Spidey Share The Humor With Sauron
Not all funny quotes come from Spider-Man. Villains sometimes get their turn to be hilarious, even if it is unintentional in the context of the story. In Spider-Man and the X-Men #2, by Elliott Kalan and Marco Failla and the web-slinger takes the students of the Jean Grey School on a field trip that goes awry. Sauron and Stegron attack with a plan to turn everyone into dinosaurs.
Spider-Man is the one to bring the logic to the fight, pointing out how much could be done with the villain's technology. Of course, the humor is spread to everyone throughout the series, even the villains. This quote has even gone on to become a meme due to its over-the-top ridiculousness.
3 " Rooftop Guard's First Appearance Is... Probably Sold Out Since They Announced Rooftop Guard As Part Of Marvel's Phase Nine Line-Up Of Movies!"
In Peter Parker: The Spectacular Spider-Man #4 by Chip Zdarsky and Adam Kubert, Spider-Man and his friends fight the Tinkerer. Knocked through the roof, Spidey, a bit loopy, checks on the Rooftop guard that he webbed up in the previous issue. Writer Chip Zdarsky then injects a caption to poke fun at how the MCU affects the secondary market.
With the 1990s in the distant past to most readers, the role speculators played in nearly destroying the industry isn't common knowledge. The rise in demand for back issues matches the announcements for new characters in the movies. It's a nice little touch from a writer known for his snarky sense of humor.
2 "When Wolverine's Face Grows Back, He's Really Gonna Be Pretty Upset." Injects Humor Into An Action Scene
New Avengers #7 by Brian Michael Bendis and Steve McNiven sees the New Avengers face off against the Wrecker. Wolverine is the first to taste the Wrecker's crowbar, and Spider-Man is there to provide the perfect snappy play-by-play. It's another case of Brian Michael Bendis injecting humor with Spider-Man's dialogue.
Bendis used Spider-Man to inject humor into his Avengers stories. His presence never seemed out of place at all. A list could probably be done on Bendis's best Spider-Man lines alone.
1 "My Pants Are Stuck To My Butt..." Is Humiliation At Its Funniest
In 2014's Amazing Spider-Man #2 by Dan Slott and Humberto Ramos, Spider-Man is called to explain his actions to the Avengers. He explains the mind-swap with Doctor Octopus, but the Avengers are concerned about why he showed up in pants.
Spider-Man explains that in a fight, his clothes were shredded and he webbed up some underwear. Unfortunately, Doc Ock made the webbing last longer, so now his web underwear is stuck to his pants. Even worse, he has to pee.