We haven't slept in over two and a half days. For over 60 hours, we've steeled our hearts, exorcised our sense of disbelief and resisted the temptation of looking at our phones to bring you this listicle. We have marathoned as many video game movies as we could endure to determine which video game movie was the least terrible of them all. See, films based on video games typically range from "solid" to "why do bad things happen to good people?" so it's not about determining which film is the greatest, rather which film is the least worst. What can one learn from this exercise in agony? That despite a fan's wishes, the best video game movies weave their own tales? That our seven-year-old selves were blithering clods for renting Mortal Kombat Annihilation twice from Blockbuster? No, we learned that while some films get to be about giant sharks, or robots becoming cops, others get to be based on that app on your phone that you play in the bathroom. After all, you can't write a movie about the triangle from Asteroids and expect to produce Citizen Kane or Shrek II.
Of course, there's a method to our madness. The top half or so of this list is pretty solid. We'd totally buy Number 1 on Blu-Ray. Number 30 though is straight-up just a bad film. Like, we actually shortened this intro just to emphasize how terrible Number 30 is, even though it's right here:
30 HOUSE OF THE DEAD
House of The Dead is a highwayman of the spirit, robbing you of 93 minutes of your existence that you will never reclaim. Director Uwe Boll keeps using this antiquated rotating shot that spins actors while giving you nausea. At one point, a flashback morphs into migraine inducing strobe of stills set to cheap techno. Even the action is joyless, as actual gameplay footage is sprinkled into fight scenes and transitions.
The zombies don't even make sense! Instead of swarming our heroes, they just wait to be fought one by one. At one point, a zombie tries to drown a girl by holding her underwater instead of just biting her. Heed our warning: just watch Goldman from House of The Dead 2 on YouTube.
29 MORTAL KOMBAT: ANNIHILATION
Shao-Khan breaks the ambiguous rules of Mortal Kombat to invade Earth in 1997's Mortal Kombat: Annihilation. To be fair, having to win ten Mortal Kombats in a row over the course of 300 years just for the chance to invade Earth is ridiculous. So, we emphasize with Shao. Incidentally, Shao-Khan actor Brian Thompson seems inspired by Raul Julia's M. Bison, as Thompson is the only one having fun with this film that takes itself super seriously, despite it being about Liu Kang learning how to become a dragon.
Other nice things about Mortal Kombat: Annihilation: the soundtrack has "Megalomaniac" by K.M.F.D.M. and "Conga Fury" by Juno Reactor. Oh, Annihilation also passes The Bechdel Test, so that's neat.
28 LARA CROFT TOMB RAIDER: THE CRADLE OF LIFE
If the second act of your Tomb Raider flick is set in a shopping mall, you're really missing the point. For 2003's Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle Of Life, a virologist seeks Pandora's Box to destroy the world. So, Lara Croft teams up with Gerard Butler in what feels like a substandard Mission Impossible movie where "Ethan Hunt" was replaced with "Lara Croft."
Instead of solving ancient puzzles, Lara rides cool vehicles. For instance, Lara cuts herself underwater to summon a shark-lift. Lara also drives a motorbike on the Great Wall of China, which seems disrespectful for an archaeologist to do. Then again, Lara destroys every tomb and artifact she finds.
27 DEAD SPACE: AFTERMATH
So, Dead Space: Aftermath – the animated film based on Dead Space 2 – is pretty ugly. There should be a rule that if you're making an animated movie based on a video game, then the film's graphics should at least be as good as the game's graphics. Fortunately, the art style changes for a series of vignettes as the surviving members of the U.S.G. O'Bannon recount fighting the necromorphs.
The problem with Dead Space: Aftermath is that since an inferior animation style serves as the framing narrative, the most significant moments of each character's arc are ultimately lost due to the limitations of the animation. It's like watching Aliens, but if the Hive Queen fight was replaced with clip art.
26 SILENT HILL: REVELATIONS
As "revelations" implies, 2012's Silent Hill: Revelations explains away much of the plot of the first Silent Hill, much to the sequel's detriment. The first film just had an atmosphere that permeated throughout that is absent within Revelations, which just cribs Silent Hill 3. By the end of the film however, you're supposed to be rooting for Pyramid Head as he fights a knock-off Cenobite. No film should have you supporting Pyramid Head's actions, ever.
Furthermore, Silent Hill: Revelations was a 3D movie, wrongfully equating objects coming towards you with fear. Director M.J. Bassett apologized to Silent Hill fans on his blog for Revelations. Ironically, Bassett himself is a Silent Hill fan who was displeased with the first film.
25 MAX PAYNE
Max Payne is a 2008 PG-13 action film based on an M-rated game, so you know it's going to be good. Mark Walhberg plays Max Payne, a detective trying to avenge his wife and son by investigating a failed super-soldier serum turned crazy-addictive street drug, Valkyr. Assisting Max is Mila Kunis as the dope Mona Sax. In a moment of desperation, Max doses himself with Valkyr, but instead of reenacting the super-unsettling blood trail maze from the game, he sees demons from Constantine.
Just...how are you gonna make a movie centered around the game where bullet time is a core mechanic, yet only use it three times? Even when Max dual-wields submachine guns, the fights are over instantly.
24 RESIDENT EVIL: APOCALYPSE
Sure, this film almost ended the Resident Evil film franchise due to its critical reception. Yes, it also made Roger Ebert's "Worst List." We're not saying Resident Evil: Apocalypse is a good movie. We're saying Resident Evil: Apocalypse is a good B-movie, loosely based on Resident Evil 2 and Resident Evil: Nemesis. Yes, Nemesis appears, albeit in a rubbery suit.
Picking up right after the first film, Resident Evil: Apocalypse ditches the plot and horror for explosions. Newfound psychokinetic Alice join forces with Jill Valentine and some other NPCs to escape the zombie-infested Raccoon City before it's nuked. Incidentally, Mike Epps might be doing his best performance ever as LJ, who was originally supposed to be portrayed by Snoop Dogg.
23 DEAD SPACE: DOWNFALL
Isaac Clark spends the bulk of Dead Space alone, so focusing the animated prequel Dead Space: Downfall on a group of characters onboard the Ishimura misses the tone of the survival-horror game completely. Then again, having a large cast of disposable characters means that everyone gets to reenact one of Isaac's unfortunate demises.
Though the source material is gory, the art style of Downfall is reminiscent of a Saturday morning cartoon. This aesthetic gives the violence of Downfall a more "clinical" than horrifying sort of vibe, which is a good thing. Remember, the core gameplay mechanic of Dead Space is dismembering mutant space zombies. If the art style of Downfall were any more detailed, it would be legitimately unsettling to watch.
22 DOOM
The Rock leads a team of psychopaths, creepsters, flagellants, and Karl Urban to Mars in 2005's DOOM. The team is summoned to Mars because some science-nerds mixed Martian DNA with humans that mutates the subject based on their morality. Honestly, DOOM's plot shouldn't be fancier than "Guy rips and tears his way through Mars and/or Hell fighting space demons. Y'know, DOOM."
Do you wanna know Pinky's origin story? No, but the film will explain. In fact, nobody in DOOM actually goes to Hell – or a piece of Hell á la Event Horizon – rather they metaphorically go to Hell, which doesn't count. Worst of all, DOOM claims that "B.F.G." stands for "Bio Force Gun," despite being an R-rated film.
21 MORTAL KOMBAT
Mortal Kombat follows three stories: Sonya Blade wants to avenge her partner, while Liu Cane wants to avenge his brother. Most importantly, professional actor/stunt-man Johnny Cage enters the tournament for street cred. Incidentally, Johnny Cage was originally based on Jean Claude Van Damme, who turned down the film role of Johnny Cage in order to play Guile in Street Fighter.
We've seen this film at least twenty times since it came out in 1993, but we still can't figure this out: what does the winner of Mortal Kombat actually get? Yes, if any of the humans win then Shang Tsung can't invade Earth, but is that it? Is the purpose of holding this tournament just to see who gets to invade which dimension?
20 RESIDENT EVIL
Resident Evil loosely follows the plot of the original game, as a team of highly trained operatives search a mansion masquerading as a biohazard research facility filled with zombies. Much like the game, Resident Evil acknowledges that the environment is just as threatening as the undead, laying out the Hive facility with creative traps. In fact, the laser-hallway scene was so memorable that the final fight of the final film takes place in this hallway.
Resident Evil is also the only entry in the series that attempts to be scary throughout. Unfortunately, Resident Evil perhaps follows the source material too closely, with many scenes just focusing on characters wordlessly exploring the facility. Though accurate, these scenes make Resident Evil drag a bit.
19 HITMAN
Starring Timothy Olyphant as the bald, barcoded assassin Agent 47, 2007's Hitman sets 47 against other agents, corrupt cops and body doubles through a bullet-ridden story where the excessive amounts of blood are literally a plot point.
Sure, you can run and gun your way through every Hitman level like a clod. The beauty of the Hitman games though is that you can trigger special events to make eliminating your target look like an accident. Cinematic Agent 47 however seems to only know how to use firearms and tiny samurai swords hidden in his suit to solve his problems, only using a disguise once despite his super noticeable neck tattoo. Hitman is a solid action film, but little sets it apart from others.
18 RATCHET AND CLANK
In terms of video game movies following their source material, 2016's Ratchet and Clank looks like the prettiest Ratchet and Clank game, ever. The problem however is that you really can't have a PG-rated film focusing on the over-the-top arsenal from the series. Even worse, the genius-level juvenile humor from the team that gave us "Up Your Arsenal" and "Quest for Booty" is absent from this film.
That being said, Ratchet and Clank does feature the best use of the Wilhelm Scream. During a robot skirmish, one robot falls from a bridge, producing the cliché sound effect. We then cut to another robot reaching out to his fallen friend, screaming "Wilhelm!" in anguish.
17 RESIDENT EVIL: RETRIBUTION
For 2012's Resident Evil: Retribution, Alice and company has to escape Umbrella's simulation center, fighting through waves of zombies and special bio-weapons through recreations of cities. Basically, Resident Evil: Retribution is the Mercenaries mode from Resident Evil 4 made into a movie. For a less nerdy analogy, Retribution is Westworld but with zombies.
Resident Evil: Retribution is all about fan service, as in addition to adding in Leon Kennedy, Ada Wong and Barry Burton, everyone who perished in the previous films return. That being said, despite having a stellar Kevin Durant as Barry Burton wielding the canonical Colt Python, Barry never says "You were almost a Jill-sandwich!" Total missed opportunity for a fun movie.
16 FINAL FANTASY VII: ADVENT CHILDREN COMPLETE
Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children Complete isn't for the casual movie goer, rather it is for the fans who fell in love with Final Fantasy VII. Speaking as Final Fantasy VII fans, we are eternally grateful that this film opens with an "explain like I'm five" summary of the game's plot, set to a montage of remastered cutscenes.
That being said, this film is plagued by annoying anime children. Like, the entire party finally reunites for a bombastic boss battle against Bahamut Shinra – only for the story to cut to newcomer orphan-boy Denzel. The final fight against Sephiroth however is transcendent – well worth watching Advent Children Complete if only to see the One Winged Angel returned with a remixed theme.
15 RESIDENT EVIL: AFTERLIFE
Alice and Claire Redfield hold out in a prison with other survivors, restoring a heavily armored vehicle in order to make a suicide run to a boat through a zombie-filled city in 2010's Resident Evil: Afterlife. To recap: Resident Evil: Afterlife is basically Dawn of The Dead mixed The Walking Dead. Heck, Afterlife even takes the whole "sanctuary was actually a trap run by a cannibal" twist from The Walking Dead.
Though the plot is rote, Resident Evil: Afterlife has its moments. Wentworth Miller joins the cast as Chris Redfield, enabling Afterlife to lift the Wesker boss fight from Resident Evil 5. Likewise, Resident Evil: Afterlife is shot entirely in 3D without relying on that cheap "things coming at you are scary" trope.
14 WARCRAFT
Warcraft makes us want for something unique: more CGI orcs, less live-action humans. On one hand you have Durotan, an orc protecting his clan amidst the Horde's brutal campaign. On the other hand there's the humans, preventing you from learning more about the orcs.
It's not that the human half of Warcraft is horrible. Rather, the orcs are just so intricately detailed and engaging that they make the live-action scenes look like a LARP session by comparison. Then again, perhaps the fact that we are willing to suffer through the live action scenes just to get back to the orcs reflects the quality of Warcraft's CGI. That being said, try watching Warcraft twice – it's inexplicably better the second time around.
13 RESIDENT EVIL: THE FINAL CHAPTER
Despite having an increased cast in Retribution, only Alice and Claire Redfield return for 2017's Resident Evil: The Final Chapter. Fortunately, Iain Glen returns as multiple clones of Dr. Isaacs, who has always been the main villain of the entire series, apparently.
Sounds cool, but the problem with Resident Evil: The Final Chapter is that camera cuts as hard as it possibly can. Seriously, the final fight starts at 1:23:30 – 85 quick cuts later and only 30 seconds have passed. Furthermore, Claire is thrown into a wall at 1:26:19, hitting the floor one second later after 6 camera cuts. For reference, it took Liam Neeson 14 camera cuts and 6 seconds to climb over a fence in Taken 3.
12 HALO LEGENDS
Halo Legends is an animated anthology film expanding upon the Halo universe through a series of vignettes. Through each story Halo Legends gives you the broad strokes of the universe, from The Forerunners to The Flood.
Of the ten tales, our favorite vignette would be "The Babysitter," centered around a team of Orbital Drop Shock Troopers being saddled with a Spartan for an assassination mission using a sharp style. Alternatively, our least favorite is "The Duel," retelling The Arbiter's origins with stiff CGI animation overlaid with a hazy watercolor filter. While each vignette varies in both style and tone, every episode wisely utilizes music directly lifted from the Halo games, one of the most powerful parts of the series.
11 KINGSGLAIVE: FINAL FANTASY XV
Yes, you may have to rewatch a few scenes from 2016's Kingsglaive: Final Fantasy XV in order to understand what's actually going on. Fortunately, Kingsglaive features Sean Bean and Lena Headey, two actors who know how to make you care about high-concept fantasy nonsense. Basically, there's a war between Niflheim and Linde, with Aaron Paul starring as Nyx of The Glaive – magic-wielding commandos who traverse by warping to their throwing dagger. These "warp-strikes" allow for over-the-top action scenes unique to Kingsglaive.
What's beautiful about Kingsglaive is its use of fantastical realism. Some of these CGI scenes are detailed enough indistinguishable from reality, only to be juxtaposed with otherworldly beasts and teleporting magic-ninjas driving Nissans.