Maybe it's just me, but when I think back on my comics-reading years, I sometimes remember the ads better than I do the stories. Who didn't want X-Ray specs or fake dog poop? This column, which may develop into a series, will take a look at comics advertisements throughout the ages, and analyze how cool or scary they were... and see if they serve their function and entice a purchase.
This group of ads appeared in Thor: Blood Oath #1, indicia-dated November, 2005. Yeah, we're starting with a modern one. After all, think of the children! Will they grow up remembering the glory of advertisements during their innocent, halcyon days of comics-reading? Let's hope not, if these are any indication of today's ad quality...
Wow, this one's a doozy. Um... There are so many things wrong with this image. First of all, there is not a single nerd who looks like this. Second, his nipples rival the awkward poofiness of Bat-Clooney's. Yeah, this isn't going to get me to buy their foul-smelling odor thingie. It will, however, cause me to be embarassed to be seen reading this comic when opened to this page. Funny enough, I remember some of the TV ad campaigns for this product... they lasted a few weeks and then it was never heard from again.
And were the reader to turn the page, they would find an ad for the movie "Into the Blue" with Paul Walker looking exactly like this guy, only with added Jessica Alba, which makes it palatable.
It was for things like this that the phrase "wtf" was invented. Honestly, I have no idea what a two-headed samurai made from gumdrops has to do with shoes, or why it is in battle with ninjas and octopi and space-samurais, all made from delicious confectionary. Or why God is providing a watering can for the occasion.
Still, it is technically awesome. But I never buy anything from Nike. Oh well.
Man, superhero merchandise has really gone downhill since I was a kid... Really, though, the only odd thing about this one is what Wolverine's saying. I mean, everybody else is saying something that relate to them as a character... Spidey swings, Iron Man is... made of iron, etc. But Wolvie is stating "Long Ball Hitter." Really... well, I don't want to know what Logan does with people's balls on his days off.
"Buy Skechers, and you will be whipped by a scantily-clad high-heeled dominatrix... in the arctic!" Yeah, right. I've worn several pairs of Skechers over the years, and this has never happened to me.
That's all for this installment. Assuming you haven't all committed seppuku after this one, I'll see you in the funny pages... just not the ones with ads.
Remember, Comic Ads Should Be Good.