After years of uncertainty and false starts, it seems like the long-rumored Duke Nukem movie is finally getting put together over at Paramount. The studio sounds serious about the project, as they’re already circling the film’s lead. John Cena, the 25-time WWE championship-winning wrestler-turned-actor, is in talks to play Duke Nukem. This, of course, is folly.
There is a litany of reasons why Paramount might want Cena in the film’s title role -- he is, after all, one of the most popular professional wrestlers of all time, and there’s a certain allure to bringing such strong name recognition to a video game movie (a historically troubled genre). After all, the fanbase Cena has accrued over his years in the ring is devout, not only because they respect his skillset as a wrestler, but because he’s so good at playing the good guy. That’s a skill that almost certainly won’t translate to Duke Nukem, but it’s hardly the only reason why a talent like Cena won’t be able to carry the film to success.
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Before we get into the nitty-gritty of John Cena’s presumed involvement in the Duke Nukem movie, let’s slow it down for a second and talk about what exactly Duke Nukem is. After all, the series doesn’t have the kind of cultural cache is used to -- and perhaps that’s for the best.
The first Duke Nukem video game was released by Apogee Software in 1991 as a PC-only side-scrolling 2D shooter. All told, the game was innocuous. A pixelated Duke trudges through levels, mowing down aliens and snagging any power-ups in his wake. The same could be said for 1993's Duke Nukem II, which retained the 2D stylings of its predecessor, though with some enhanced graphics. The franchise changed radically just three years later with Duke Nukem 3D.
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When Duke Nukem 3D was released, it was nothing short of revelatory. For starters, it was the first Duke Nukem game to get the 3D first-person shooter treatment. Once again, Duke was tearing through levels and gunning down aliens, but this time the game looked and felt a lot like id Software’s Doom, a game many consider to be the most influential shooter of all time, but with a uniquely ‘90s tone. And compared to Doom, Duke Nukem 3D wasn’t just talky, it was downright lewd.
For starters, the eponymous Duke Nukem had opinions, which he voiced liberally, a stark change from Doom’s silent protagonist and a technical achievement for the time. The game’s weapons were profoundly atypical, including everything from a shrink ray to a weighty kick, which was used for melee combat. Duke Nukem 3D also had a slimy, down-to-earth vibe that permeated every inch of the alien-infested urban wasteland. The dialogue wasn’t terribly memorable, nor did it provide any kind of sprawling narrative for Duke or establish his mission, but the one-liners (like “I'm Duke Nukem, and I'm coming to get the rest of you alien bastards” and “blow it out your ass”) were ludicrous enough to endear players to the character, and the level design was unique compared to other games at the time.
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The key phrase there is “at the time,” because while Duke had a handful of original, memorable lines, many of his oft-repeated jokes were lifted wholesale from other properties, or simply referenced them. Perhaps the most emblematic example is “It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and I'm all outta gum,” a line many Duke Nukem 3D players likely grew up attributing to the game, but was actually lifted from John Carpenter’s 1988 horror movie They Live. The same can be said for “Hail to the king, baby” (that’s from Sam Raimi’s Army of Darkness) and “I'm gonna get medieval on your asses” (that one comes from Quentin Tarantino’s Pulp Fiction)
While one might be able to derive some sick fascination from hearing WWE’s perennial babyface yell about how “those alien bastards are gonna pay for shooting up my ride,” the entire tone of Duke Nukem simply doesn’t jive with the films Cena has appeared in so far, which of late has included the romantic comedy Trainwreck and the tense war film The Wall.
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There’s also the fact that the Duke Nukem series has been objectively terrible towards women. Duke Nukem 3D includes a level called Babe Land, a faux amusement park with rides like the D-Cup and Babes of the Caribbean. The game also has a strip club with dancers who can be paid to flash the player. In the most recent game, Duke Nukem Forever, the player eventually traverses an alien landscape in which human experiments were being performed. One of those experiments includes bulbous growths set into the walls that look like grey breasts. The player can slap the growths, producing torrents of milk. Not even the 2nd-most charitable athlete in the world could make that palatable to a modern audience.
Which brings us to the biggest, brightest, most glaring warning sign in Duke Nukem history: Duke Nukem Forever. Finally released in 2011 by Gearbox Software after a staggering 15-year development cycle, first under 3D Realms (born out of Apogee) and then Triptych Games, Duke Nukem Forever was the megaton bomb that killed the franchise and salted the earth where it detonated. Crass, criminally unfunny and broken in almost every regard, it seems nigh impossible to still have fond memories of Duke Nukem after this game’s release.
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If it sounds like I’m focusing on the most egregious aspects of the Duke Nukem franchise, that’s because there’s not much else there. At its core, Duke Nukem is a series about a non-character made to blurt one-liners and mow down aliens, a standard that served well enough for the character back in the ‘90s, but isn’t up to snuff for modern video games, let alone Hollywood. Throughout the entirety of Duke Nukem’s lurid history, Duke has been known for three things: a repeating alien invasion storyline, dancing pixelated women and referential quips. Removed from that, the actual character of Duke Nukem leaves a lot to be desired. Right now, Paramount should be asking themselves if there’s really enough in the franchise to warrant a big screen adaptation.
There probably isn't, which is why the revelation that Cena is in talks to join the movie comes off purely as a branding move to secure a big name, rather than his acting talent. Duke Nukem is the ultimate ‘90s video game antihero, neither heroic nor antagonistic, he merely exists to provide commentary on the maddened state of a bombastic world masquerading as satire. Maybe Cena’s babyface appeal can bring something completely new to one of the most notorious, but shallow, video game characters of all time, but it will almost certainly be an uphill battle.