First, thanks to my friends in both the fan and pro communities who were so great about fact-checking and laff-testing things so I didn’t look any stupider than necessary.
It’s a long list, but some of the people I’ve used the most are: Mark Waid, Scott Shaw, Tom Peyer, Steven Grant, Warren Ellis, Mark Millar, Patrick Keller, Brian Joines, Kevin Wilson, Lea Hernandez, Stephen Cmelack, Dan Curtis Johnson, Ty Templeton, Ron Marz, Barbara Kesel, Dwayne MacDuffie, David Anthony Quinn, Greg Rucka, Joey Quesada, Nancy Collins, Steve Hacker, Chris Tynne, Paul Teel, Tony Isabella, Dan Jurgens, Beau Yarbrough, Antonio Santa Cruz, Merlin Goodbrey, the Amazing Craig Ozbat and of course Jonah Weiland. I know I forgot people–if I forgot YOU, I’m really really sorry!
Thanks to Jonah for hosting YABS and building CBR, and also for his brilliant design work week after week.
And thanks to Bongo for being so great to me. These guys are the model for how a comics company should be. While I’m at it, thanks to everyone who has vowed to buy the comics I’m in!
And thanks to the editors and creators that I’m talking to right now–those who are willing to take a chance on new writers even in an unstable market. Brave.
Thanks to the people at the CBR, Warren Ellis, Brian Bendis, and Alvaro’s message boards for all their input and encouragement. Even the non-complimentary posts are fun and instructive.
Thanks for all the wonderful e-mail from fans and pros alike. Best part of the gig!
Seems like I have a lot of people to thank for all their help and support. What I like best about you guys is you’re willing to give even the really not-hilarious weeks a fair shot.
And thanks, everyone for putting up with this YABS Month thing…at least I got to thank the people who deserved it, and got to answer the questions I get asked the most.
Now I owe everyone a beer, except I hate beer, so I owe everyone something sticky and sweet, like a virgin Shirley Temple. Never mind.
WAFFLES AT MY HOUSE!
This is another early favorite, from before I knew how to use punctuation. I like it because, even though it’s pretty evil to giant crossovers and the Archie cast, there’s still some obvious affection there for both.
And HERE is what is probably my all-time favorite YABS. I like this because (tying in with what I said earlier), it’s just so different from the usual thing. Quite a few people wrote to say they cried, which just goes to prove my point: You can never have too many gags about Witchblade.
Remember, comics are a SERIOUS BUSINESS!!!
THE SCENE: A DARK HALLOWEEN NIGHT IN RACKVILLE,
As a family sedan quietly pulls over to the curb under the HARVEY street sign…
MOTHER: This looks like a nice street to let the kids out, Darryl. Now, are you kids SURE you want to trick or treat by yourselves? Your father and I…
PETER: Mom! We’re not BABIES!
MEAGAN: Yeah! We’re not BABIES, mom!
MOTHER: Well, what do you think, Darryl?
FATHER: Hmm. Well, really, it IS a nice neighborhood–looks very wholesome. Not like those other streets. I think it’s okay for kids here.
MOTHER: All right. Now Peter, We’ll come back in half an hour, and meet you at the other side of the street. You hold your little sister’s hand, mister, and watch for cars!
PETER: Aw, mom!
MEAGAN: Yeah! Aw, mom!
FATHER:Now, listen to your mother, kids. Hop out, and stay on the sidewalks. Have a SPOOOOKY Halloween!
MEAGAN: You’re NOT scaring me, Dad.
The two kids, excited by the prospect of free candy, watch happily as their parents drive away. The brother shifts his plastic lightsaber into the hand holding his pumpkin-shaped treat bag. A day-glo slogan on the bag says, “BE AWARE…BE SAFE!”
PETER: Okay, now hold my hand, Meagan. You don’t have to be scared.
MEAGAN: ‘m not scared! I’m just holding your hand because mom said.
PETER: Ha ha! That’s okay. Now, when we get to this first door, just hold your bag open and let them say what a cute princess you are…
MEAGAN: ‘m NOT a princess! I’m a ballerina!
PETER: Weird house, huh?
PETER AND MEAGAN: TRICK OR TREAT!
A mammoth, morbidly obese woman with short blonde hair opens the door. She wears a green sweater and an appallingly short white pleated skirt, showing great rolling thighs, and the whole monstrous package is topped off with freckles and a huge red bow on her head. She’s holding what appears to be a whole turkey in one giant paw, and is oblivious to the gravy and saliva that drip down the front of her girlish outfit.
LITTLE LOTTA: Trick or treat, huh? Well, I ain’t got no treats. In fact, I’m starving. Whatcha got in the BAGS, kids…gonna share with Little Lotta? I’m HUNGRY…
PETER: Run, Meagan! RUN!
LITTLE LOTTA: COME BACK HERE, YOU SELFISH LITTLE SNOTS! GIMMIE THAT CANDY! I’M HUUNNNNNNNGGGGRRRRYYYY!
A few minutes later, as the startled children catch their breath…
MEAGAN: She ATE part of the DOOR! I’m scared, Peter!
PETER: It’s…it’s okay, Meagan. She must have been crazy or something. We’re okay…let’s just keep moving. This house looks nicer…, see how it’s all pink? Let’s stop here.
MEAGAN: Okay…I like the dots on this house…
A dazed and tottering girl wearing a dotted skirt appears at the door. The children are struck by the smell of filth and decay, as though the girl hadn’t bathed in years.
PETER AND MEAGAN: Trick or treat!
LITTLE DOT: Urh. Uhhh. Trick or…? Oh, right. That’s right. It’s Halloween. Of course it is. Heh. Urh. Halloween. Now, what do we do on Halloween? I used to know…urk. Your eyes…they look like dots. Perfect little dots.
MEAGAN: On Halloween, you give us treats…
LITTLE DOT: I give you dots?
PETER: No, Ma’am. Treats. You’re supposed to give us treats.
LITTLE DOT: Oh, I’m sorry, but I can’t…urk…I can’t spare ANY dots. Not a one, no never. Never give a dot away. Urh. Hurk. I feel so empty inside without dots.
PETER: We don’t want any ‘dots.’ Don’t you have any candy or something?
LITTLE DOT: Your eyes look like dots. Beautiful dots. Lovely, lovely dots. I’m only really alive when I have dots, you know. Ehhh. Let me have them. Your dots. I want your dots, children…
Meagan flees in terror, with Peter right behind…
MEAGAN: sniff! I wanna…I wanna go HOME! Bawwwwwwl! I HATE this place! It’s not for kids at ALL!
PETER: I’m scared, too, Meagan. Let’s go to that house with the lights on and call Mom and Dad…it’ll be okay. We’ll be okay!
MEAGAN: I hate Halloween! I never want to trick or treat again!
PETER: We’ll be all right, Meagan. I promise. I won’t let anything bad happen. Let’s just go up to that spooky, creepy, abandoned-looking house with all the candles in the window and ask to borrow their phone…
A cute girl in a red hooded romper opens the door. She is smiling reassuringly, and she beams goodwill towards the children…
WENDY: Oh, trick or treaters! Oh, you’re ADORABLE! Look, here’s a sweet little ballerina, and…why, what are you supposed to be, you handsome young man?
PETER: I’m Qui Gon Jinn!
MEAGAN: You’re pretty.
WENDY: Oh, why, thank you, little one! Here, I’m certain I have a treat for you both…won’t you come in?
PETER: Can we use your phone to call our parents?
WENDY: I’m afraid we don’t have a phone…oh, Aunties! Aunties, Look at the adorable little trick or treaters!
VELMA: Not much meat on ’em.
ZELMA: Hurry up, Wendy…you’re ruining the summoning!
PETER: Why is it so dark in here? Wha…what’s that red paint on the floor?
WENDY: Oh, that’s just a sigil for our black mass. We’re summoning a spirit this All Hallow’s Eve. Would you like to stay?
VELMA: Torre verite usile! Torre verite usile! Endi beloc sundi tia!
ZELMA: Oh, restless unclean spirit of the hearth, I invoke thee…we do beseech thee– Manifest thyself amidst thy faithful…
A spectral child-figure appears hovering above the blood-red pentagram in the center of the floor…
CASPER: Oh! Why did you wake me? I was having such a nice nap!
THELMA: Aha! We praise you, o violently departed spirit! Return to this mortal plane where you were once murdered!
CASPER: I just want to make friends!
PETER: It’s a dead kid! It’s a dead kid!
CASPER: Why, it’s a couple of children! Will you be my friends? Can I keep you here with me, FOREVER?
VELMA: Uh, oh. Something’s gone wrong…
WENDY: What is it, Auntie?
VELMA: Oh, Azuret, Lord of Abomination! The dead child has brought something back with him! I sense its malice– It will destroy us! It will envelope all in a cloud of wasps and pestilence!
ZELMA: It’s a thousand times more foul than any earthbound spirit–It is the Infant Infernal! Its heart is the black heart of the universe… We’re doomed! The great diapered Underlord has traversed to this realm! The Prince of Wounds returns, and none shall escape his wrath!
WENDY: RUN, children, RUN! Leave this house! Do not look back!
PETER: Run, Meagan! Get out!
HOT STUFF: WHO HATH DARED SUMMONED ME TO THIS REALM?
MEAGAN: I wanna go home RIGHT NOW! I hate this place! I hate it!
PETER: (sobbing…) We’re going, we’re going, Meagan. We’re almost off this block… I’m gonna start being nicer to you, too. Oh, ick! She put these weird dolls made out of twigs in our treat bags…gross!
MEAGAN: I love you, Peter. I’m sorry for all those times I got mad at you.
PETER: I love you too, Meagan. We’ll make it. We’re gonna be okay. I see a car coming, so there must be another street up ahead…
MEAGAN: …You ran over my BROTHER, you big JERKS!
A clearly-inebriated kid with a huge head, wearing a little suit with a bow-tie and knee-pants, rolls down the power window of the elegant limousine…
RICHIE RICH: Oh, for Christ’s sake, Cadbury. Write the girl a check and let’s get out of here. I’ve a hostile takeover to attend, and some Saudis to bribe. Chop chop!
Thanks to Mark Waid, Patrick Keller and Tom Peyer for late night fact-checking and suggestions…thanks, guys! Also, Harvey Comics’ website is actually pretty darn cool at www.harvey.com.
Gail says take a peak!
Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
All characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.
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