It's hard to be a superhero. Somewhere between all of the crossover crises, beach specials and Giant-Sized Man-Things, a freaky switch gets flipped, and suddenly you can only get aroused if you're strapped to a gigantic piano. These things happen. We all have our kinks, from mean redheads to M.O.D.O.Ks. Or maybe you're into the most dangerous game of all: dressing up as Optimus Prime and standing on a fainting chair before choking yourself with your utility belt while blindly firing a Steyr M1912 machine pistol wildly into the air -- commonly known as ottoman automatic autoerotic Autobot asphyxiation.
Fortunately for freaks like us, superheroes are super down to get weird. Here are 15 of the depraved characters in comics, ranked on a scale from vanilla to Caligula. The only rule for this listicle is that there are no rules! But also, nothing from Crossed is permitted, as we're going for quirky, not desecrate-a-decrepit-dolphin-kinky. Incidentally, we're not counting Ultimate Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch because in the world of fiction, sleeping with your sibling is literally episode one of Game of Thrones-levels of basic. Finally, in the event that one of these entries awakens something within... you're welcome.
So, we're starting to understand why Mephisto wanted to break up Spider-Man and Mary Jane so badly, because they are freaky. MJ asks Peter to utilize his photography skills to take photos of something other than himself in Amazing Spider-Man #303 by David Michelinie and Todd McFarlane, and again in Spectacular Spider-Man #134 by Peter David, Sal Buscema and Vince Colletta, as they bang on the ceiling. This ceiling-bang shouldn't be confused with their rooftop-bang from "I (Heart) Marvel: Web of Romance" by Tom Beland and Cory Walker.
Likewise, the tensile strength of webbing and the fact that it dissolves in an hour makes Spider's non-organic web-shooters perfect for bondage, as we learn when Spidey webs up his supermodel wife in Spider-Man #13 by Todd McFarlane, who details Peter's web-shooter spurting out just a bit of webbing.
14 ANT-MAN (ERIC O'GRADY)
Do Pym particles turn people into perverts? Eric O'Grady is a master of reconnaissance when wearing his stolen Ant-Man tech, due in large part to O'Grady's proclivity for hitching rides with hotties to gather intel, but primarily watch them shower. Ant-Man's voyeurism backfires, however, when O'Grady tries peeping on a showering S.H.I.E.L.D. sniper, who immediately pin-points the pin-sized perv in 2006's Irredeemable Ant-Man #4 by Robert Kirkman and Phil Hester.
The microscopic stalker makes fast friends with fellow professional creep Taskmaster in Avengers: The Initiative #8 by Dan Slott, Christos N. Gage and Stefano Caselli by swapping war stories. Specifically, O'Grady talks about that one time Ant-Man – who totally wasn't O'Grady – watched Ms. Marvel soap up, calling that Ant-Man a perv. Coincidentally, O'Grady once watched Ms. Marvel soap up in Irredeemable Ant-Man #7.
Kick-Ass from Kick-Ass by Mark Millar and John Romita Jr. has no shame, never wasting an opportunity to elaborate on his uh, baton polishing sessions. Considering the fact that Dave is a comic book nerd overloaded with hormones but zero girlfriends, this happens frequently. When Dave starts masquerading as Kick-Ass, however, these habits only increase, as donning the superhero persona makes Dave feel empowered.
There's an implication throughout the Kick-Ass series that wearing a mask grants its wearer a level of sexual gratification. In fact, Kick-Ass' relationship with Night Bitch (no, really) in Kick-Ass 2 fizzles the second the two see one another outside of their personas, leaving Dave to chill in "the CBR Forums" in Kick-Ass 3. As Batman explains while banging Black Canary next to a bunch of immolated criminals in All-Star Batman and Robin: "It's better with the masks on"
12 BLACK WIDOW
As Marvel's quintessential femme fatale and spy, Black Widow gets tied up a lot. In fact, Black Widow's introductory scene in The Avengers movie has her tied to a chair. Getting tied up for torture has an effect on Natasha, as we discover in Deadpool #29 (2010) by Daniel Way and Carlo Barberi. Natasha finds herself and the rest of The Secret Avengers tied up (again) by Deadpool, so that Deadpool could deduce who was a Dr. Bong duplicate.
Upon releasing Black Widow, who of course Deadpool bound in the least practical but kinkiest way possible, Deadpool asks, "Sorry about tying ya up an' gagging you but, I dunno... Is it just me or did you kinda like it?" Natasha's response? "A little, yes." Deadpool erroneously takes this as a sign that Widow is interested, which she corrects with a swift uppercut.
When you're a superhero with the ability to replicate yourself, you're probably going to go on two dates simultaneously, like when a plastered Jamie Madrox the Multiple Man cheats on both Monet and Siryn simultaneously in 2006's X-Factor #10 by Peter David and Roy Allan Martinez. Jamie is so wasted and uninhibited when the sex goes down that he can't remember which girl he actually slept with and which girl slept with his copy after reabsorbing its memories, redefining the definition of "dupe."
Likewise, considering the fact that Madrox often sends dupes out to learn about the world, you can guarantee Madrox has tried everything at least once. In addition to polyamory, Madrox can utilize his replication powers to indulge in impromptu orgies with yourself and others, as we learn when Layla Miller returns from the future to declare that she's down for 3-way dupe-sex.
In 2011's "PunisherMAX: Bullseye" by Jason Aaron and Steve Dillon, Bullseye is a method-actor of manslaughter, hired by The Kingpin to kill Frank Castle. Bullseye obsesses over The Punisher, wearing his old shirts like an ex, trying to get into Frank's head to put a bullet through it. Standing in an abandoned Punisher safe house, Bullseye strips down before saying, "You shouldn't have left the mattress, Frank. Now I can hear your dreams."
After successfully stalking Frank to a firefight, Bullseye is sniped by Cupid's arrow: "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, Frank Castle. I think I'm going to cry." Afterwards, Bullseye reports back to Fisk: "I saw him in action. Let me tell you, it was...it was something to behold. I do apologize, but it appears I'm going to need to pleasure myself now. You may want to leave the room."
9 ANT-MAN (HANK PYM)
Hank Pym, the OG Ant-Man, once utilized Pym particles to engage in some sexual spelunking, emerging triumphant and "sweaty" from betwixt Janet's bosom to announce "All right Jan -- your turn," in 2003's Avengers #71 by Geoff Johns and Steve Sadowski. This encounter was so sexy that it was actually removed from digital editions of Avengers #71, hence its high placement here.
Fortunately, the entire issue is filled with a bizarre sexual vibe, as Whirlwind twirls into battle to to simultaneously lick Janet's face and interrupt Hank's rejected marriage proposal in Las Vegas. Clarifying that he's not into cuckolding, a gigantic naked Hank Pym punts Whirlwind into the tip of the Luxor. This entry goes to Hank over Janet, because for all we know, Janet's "turn" involves pretending to be a robot or something. Seriously, we don't want to know if Hank Pym is into subatomic sounding.
When you're a faux French master-assassin/thief vat-grown in hyper-time and split into three clones, normal sex is basic. The "fabulously sexual" Fantomex serving in 2014's X-Force is a trigger-happy PePe LePew, generally aroused by murder and ego stroking. Seriously, Fantomex passionately kisses Dr. Nemesis when he refers to Fantomex as "the best shot" in X-Force #6 by Simon Spurrier and Jorge Molina. Even when Gloriana masquerades as a goat, Ol' Fanto persists: "I mean it. You make a very sensual mountain goat, and -- what if I bleat?"
Feeling pity for his superhuman ennui, sentient intelligence MeMe (who is Hope Summers, kinda) interfaces with Fantomex on the Datascape in X-Force #7. Interfacing is a combination of Laser Floyd, the future internet from Johnny Mnenomic and it is filthy -- ForgetMeNot nopes out of the situation when he walks in on their computerized coitus.
7 PLASTIC MAN
Incognito with the rest of the League at the Riviera Hotel in 1999's JLA #33 by Mark Waid and Mark Pajarillo, Big Barda shows up in a red and white-highlighted "almost dress," thanking her teammates for sending it to her room. Batman informs Barda that they've done no such thing. Slowly, Barda realizes that her dress shares a color scheme with the stretchy savior, Plastic Man. Mind you, this incarnation of Plastic Man always has his face visible somewhere whenever he's disguised as something. This is significant, as we notice there's no face visible on the outside of Barda's dress.
Plastic Man steps up his perversion-game in 2002's JLA #62 by Joe Kelly and Doug Mahnke, posing as a sconce in Wonder Woman's boudoir. Diana asks, "Just wondering... If my body was the last thing you saw, ever, would it be worth it?" Probably, yeah.
6 THE BOYS
The superheroes of Garth Ennis' The Boys have bedroom proclivities that rival their inhuman abilities. Every hero has a unique kink, ranging from duct-taped hamster "spelunkers" to saying your magic invulnerable word in order to have a transgender train run on you, so we're devoting this entry to Herogasm, the annual superhero retreat of hedonism and sex that apparently happens behind the scenes of every comic book Crisis.
In addition to the phalanx of prostitutes – each earning $100K – staffing the event, activities from Herogasm XXIV, chronicled in The Boys: Herogasm by Garth Ennis, John MCrea and Darick Robertson, include: humping Shehemoth's hump, faithfully recreating Avengers #71 (we'll explain later,) partaking in extremely questionable drugs, animal fornication (unless there's a hero that can turn into a greyhound?) and shooting up heroin cut with Queen Maeve's personal fluids. We're not even sure if we're allowed to describe further...
While his pheromone powers come in handy for infiltration and intel-gathering, Daken utilizes his entire sexuality as a weapon. Daken often hits on heteronormative opponents in between hits to confuse, and in the case of homophobes, to enrage. Even symbiotes aren't safe, as Daken enjoys macking on Mac Gargan just to see Venom squirm.
Even when Bullseye is literally about to make Daken's genitals explode with an arrow to his pelvis, Daken points out that Lester is being as subtle as, well, an arrow sticking out of your pelvis. When Bullseye wants to abandon ship during the Siege of Asgard in Dark Wolverine #84 by Daniel Way, Marjorie Liu and Giuseppe Camuncoli, Daken regains control of the situation by making out with the master assassin before saying "I'm in charge, Bullseye. This is my show. And we stay." Out-alpha'd and dumbstruck, Bullseye regains his composure, as Daken notes Bullseye never complained.
4 PROFESSOR PYG
Indubitably the sexiest entry, Professor Pyg twerked his way into our hearts in 2009's Batman & Robin #3 by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely, redefining "wrong" with the sexiest of dance solos before a bound Boy Wonder. For his artistry, Pyg pigs out on drugs that make things interesting: "Imagine you're a girl. At a dance. And you meet this guy, well read, good looks...except...except his feet... his feet are pig's trotters. UH!"
Pyg is a classy swine-fiend however, as his name is a reference to Pygmalion, the OG creep obsessed with inventing sex dolls. Like his perverted predecessor, Professor Pyg wants to make you perfect, specifically by utilizing brain surgery, creepy masks and genital mutilation to turn you into a Dollotron. That's nice, but are we the only ones who now need to see Matthew McConaughey play Professor Pyg in the next Bat-flick?
While his teammates are certainly kinky – including a bisexual banshee who moonlights as a professional dominatrix – Ragdoll is a veritable sex troll. In addition to once Frenching his sister – probably post prom – Ragdoll is a sadomasochist who enjoys the "unnatural" in as many crazy positions as his triple joints will allow. While fighting Manhunter, Ragdoll can't help but express how much he's enjoying himself: "No, don't stop! I've almost finished!"
In a pre-emptive strike against groin attacks, Ragdoll had his genitals surgically removed, elaborating in 2010's Secret Six #12 by Gail Simone and Nicola Scott: "Listen, it's not as bad as it sounds. I barely even miss my little gentleman, and my pants look ever so much less lumpy! And they have lookalikes, now! In flavors!" Ragdoll is so kinky that his sexuality transcends both genitalia and logic: "I wonder what it's like to @#$% a butterfly?"
Deadpool is an omega-class omni-sexual, down for everything from Death to an orange quad-armed space-hippo. Nearly everything that comes out of Deadpool is a double entendre, and Wade never misses an opportunity to throw on Marvel Girl's miniskirt costume -- complete with battle-thong. Additionally, given his bodacious healing factor, Deadpool makes for an excellent sub. During Spider-Man/Deadpool, the epic bromance of Marvel's quippiest couple, Deadpool states that his safe-word is "Do it again!"
Furthermore, one does not simply marry a succubus without being significantly kinky, as Deadpool squeals with delight when Shiklah dresses up as Bea Arthur in 2015's Deadpool & Cable: Split Second by Fabian Nicieza and Reilly Brown. There's a master/sub relationship to this marriage, as Shiklah literally keeps Wade's testicles in a jar on her nightstand.
1 HARLEY QUINN
You can't date the clown prince of crime and not get a little bit kinky. A ball-gag is practically a part of Harley Quinn's proverbial utility belt, which is always loaded with innuendos and "That's what she said." During 2015's Harley Quinn Invades Comic-Con International San Diego #1, Harley has to ensure a room full of Joker cosplayers aren't the real thing, leaving every fanboy with a Heath Ledger-worthy smile. Incidentally, Harley has to restrain herself from telling Power Girl to literally stop spanking the monkey in "Clock Blockers" from 2015's Harley Quinn #13.
Even after ending things with "Mistah J," Harley remains a lover of love, with Harley Quinn writers Amanda Conner and Jimmy Palmiotti describing Harley's relationship with Poison Ivy as "girlfriends without the jealousy of monogamy." Incidentally, Harley was totally down to bang Common in front of Joker in Suicide Squad.
Did we overlook your favorite kinky character? Can you think of another super freak? Should we have included John Constantine? Starfire? Emma Frost? Let us know in the comments!