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Two weeks ago, I did a column of abridged versions of famous comics, and the response was overwhelming, with many readers adding their own Condensed Classics. A sequel was called for, so I thought it'd be fun to ask some of my favorite creators to abridge their own books. These are the response, and yes, these are the real creators, not me in disguise.

Thanks, everyone!



Earth Three: Hi there. Bye there. I'm dead.

Earth two: Bye there, I'm dead, too.

Earth X: Hi, Earths two and three. What do you guys do for fun around here?

Kid Flash: H-he's dead. Sob. Can I be Flash now?

Superman: Sh-she's dead. She was a dork and nobody liked her but now that she's dead everybody loves her.

Monitor: You do realize by having your mother call you the ANTI-Monitor she sort of limited your possibilities.

Psycho Pirate: If I'm so nuts, how come everybody else is wrong?

ULTIMATE X-MEN by Mark Millar

Magneto : Charles.

Prof X : Eric.

Magneto : Charles!

Prof X : Eric!!

Reader : Haven't we read all this somewhere before?

Millar : That'll be two twenty-five, please.

HOURMAN by Tom Peyer

HOURMAN: I hate myself!

VILLAIN: I hate you, too!

HOURMAN: Cool! Let's be friends!



BETHANY: Look, readers! I'm bending over!

READERS: Leave me alone! I'm reading STARMAN!

THE AUTHORITY by Warren Ellis

Jenny: Look! There are bastards!

All: Let's kill them!

Reader: This took four issues each time?


WRITER: Wouldn't it be cool to include myself as a character in a spooky postmodern-metatext-hoax comic?

EDITOR: You don't look a thing like Grant Morrison.

WRITER: I could put you in it, too.

EDITOR: Okay. But you really aren't Grant Morrison.

WRITER: Look! Footnotes! I didn't go to grad school for nothing.

EDITOR: Fine. Whatever. Just meet the deadli--



CAPTAIN CARROT: We're funny animals!

PIG-IRON: And we're a team of superheroes!

YANKEE POODLE: We talk too much --

FASTBACK: An' use too many goldurn lame-o "animal" puns --

RUBBERDUCK -- Like "Los Antelopes" for "Los Angeles" an' "barkbarian" for "barbarian" and other stretched-way-too-far soundalikes!

ALLEY-KAT-ABRA -- It gets old REAL fast!

CAPTAIN CARROT -- Are you KIDing? This series could GOPHER years! Why we --

DC BRASS-- >Yank!< NEXT!!!

CATHEDRAL CHILD by Lea Hernandez

PARRISH: I hate kids. Especially girls.

CAMILLE: :music:


ROSE: :scratches crotch, grunts:

GLORY: Yoo, hoo! Sumner! I have a metaphor for sex for you!

SUMNER: I'll, er, bite...

DONA: Be careful what you wish for, unless you're turning someone into a dog for revenge.

READERS: We forgot comics are about the pictures too, and we're used to reading captions on top of pinups and now we're all confused. Fuck!

LEA: Thank goodness for revised editions!

CHASE by Dan Curtis Johnson

CHASE: I'm grumpy right now.

DEO: Go do this job! You'll hate it! It has superheroes!

CHASE: I hate that.

BONES: I still speak in rhyme, just not all the time.

CHASE: That really pisses me off.

NOSTALGIA CHARACTER: Bet you forgot I ever existed, huh?

READERS FROM THE 80'S: Dan is our hero!

CHASE: Christ, this is especially irritating.

DC COMICS: Hm. Money's tight and we have a machine-gun. What to do?



TEMPERANCE: AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGH!* (*sound of reliving horrible evisceration)

AMY: I am tormented and insightful and a lesbian. How come I'm not fat, too? Or a rape victim? Oh yeah, a woman is writing and drawing me.

SACERDOTE: I love my job.

MILLY: .....* (*I am tormented and insightful. How come I'm not fat, too? Or a rape victim? Oh yeah, a woman is writing and drawing me.)

DONA: Ignore those dogs, okay?

JACKELOPE: la la la la la!

READERS: Hey, wait, they're kissing and they're not behind a bathroom door! What kind of comic book lesbians are these?

LEA: Don't look, mom.

CRIMSON by Brian Augustyn

Alex Elder: Being a teen-aged vampire sucks.

Ekimus: Shut up and drink your blood.

DAREDEVIL by Joe Quesada

SFX: Slice!

Bullseye: HA HA!

DD: Hey, you killed my girlfriend!

SFX: Slice!

Bullseye: HA HA!

DD: You killed my other girlfriend... hey, check out the cute blonde across the street!


THE WRITER: What is evil?

THE COP: Lock up evil.

THE SHRINK: Cure evil.

THE DEVIL: There is no evil.

FAUST: I'm evil.

THE DEVIL: Wanna bet?


He kills, he kills.

He kills, he kills and kills

THE COP, THE SHRINK, THE WRITER: What the !@#% was that?

FAUST: Too much blood. or not enough? Revenge!



THE SHRINK: My Daddy was a saint. He never hurt me. Never. Honest. Men who act like monsters, they're only looking for love and acceptance. Why are you looking at all my pictures of Daddy? Put Daddy down!

FAUST: Shut up.

THE SHRINK: I love you.

THE DEVIL: No. I love you.

THE DEVIL'S MINIONS: And so say all of us!

He kills, he kills.

He kills, he kills and kills

FAUST: Too much blood. or not enough?

THE DEVIL'S WIFE: Play with me.

THE DEVIL: This is how he treats me, my own son?

THE DEVIL'S WIFE: Play with me.

THE DEVIL: I've not been so affronted since I fell from heaven. for daring to love the Creator more than His Creation.


THE DEVIL: That's it! I'll un-create Creation in a Rite of Red Giving. Revenge!


THE DEVIL: Sex and slaughter!


THE SHRINK: Did I hear my Daddy's voice just now?

Sex, sex Sex and sex and sex



THE DEVIL: Don't fear death. embrace it.

FAUST: After you.

THE FLASH by Mark Waid

FLASH: My name is Wally West. I'm the Fastest Man--


FLASH: I love you, Lindaaaaaaaa...

LINDA: Nooooooo!

FLASH: I'm back!


Kyle Rayner: I'm new at this. I don't know what I'm doing.

H.E.A.T. Member: Waaah! It's different! Why does it have to be different?! Why can't it be the same comic I read when I was 12?!

Hal Jordan: The Spectre? Huh?

IMPULSE by Mark Waid

MAX MERCURY: Put that down, Bart.

THE NOCTURNALS by Dan Brereton

DOC HORROR: I'm enigmatic. I frown a lot because I'm very busy saving the earth from monsters. I hate the sun.

STARFISH, RACCOON, FIRELION AND POLYCHROME: we're all monsters, but we're the good monsters. and we hate the sun, because...uh....its way too bright!

HALLOWEEN GIRL: I talk to ghosts. my dad is always working. staying up all night is fun!

DOC HORROR: I think I have a daughter around here somewhere...

THE GUNWITCH ( thought balloon): My mouth is stitched up and I never speak and I'm the most popular character in the book. come to think of it, we don't use thought balloons in this comic either...

OBERGEIST by Dan Jolley

GEIST: I used to be a gigantic creep.

ELSA: America's screwed and my boyfriend's dead, but the guy who used to be a gigantic creep might make things better.

GEIST: I used to be a gigantic creep, but now I'm trying to make things better.

FAIRCLOTH: You're still a gigantic creep. And put some shoes on, for God's sake!

PLANETARY by Warren Ellis

Elijah: Look! A weird thing from out of a book!

Jakita: Do you like my tight leather jumpsuit?

Elijah: I am a miserable bastard.

James Bond: Don't be so bloody stupid.

Elijah: That's right! I know everything now!

Drummer: I'll be over here fucking this television set.


HAWKMAN: Our home planet Thanagar is waging a secret war against our adopted planet Earth.

HAWKWOMAN: No, dear, it's a shadow war. Shooter got the title into print first.

HAWKMAN: And we have to fight alone because the Absorbascon can read human minds!

HAWKWOMAN: Except for Commissioner Emmett's mind.

KOSH (on loan from Babylon 5): There is a hole in his mind.

HAWKWOMAN: Never mind; it'll give Tony a question to answer at cons for the next twenty years.

HAWKMAN: This story will run for five years. Now, in the second year of the war...

EDITOR: You get one more issue and that's it.

HAWKWOMAN: Push the button, Katar!

HAWKMAN: I don't believe that! What kind of military genius would install a button that incapacitates their entire fleet?

HAWKWOMAN: You haven't seen the $6000 toilets yet, have you?

SILKTOWN by Renee French

Uncle Wynck: Animal innards do it for you, eh?

Eve: I want to lick your teeth.

THE SOAP LADY by Renee French

The Soap Lady, a boy meets girl story.

Boy meets girl (an old dead girl made of soap)

Boy loses girl (when she's chased into the bay with a cleaver)

Boy gets boy (not a real boy, a ventriloquist dummy)

Finally, boy gets girl (not the whole girl, just a body part).


THOR by Dan Jurgens

THOR: My father never loved me.

LOKI: Mayhap, but he favored thee better than me!

THOR: Still didst he interfere with my life time and time again!

LOKI: Verily, but he favored thee better than ME!

THOR: Aye, but in mortal words, he was forever raggin on me!


MARV WOLFMAN nearly single-handedly revitalized DC comics, with such beloved titles as TEEN TITANS and CRISIS. Currently, he's working on the TENTH MUSE and the upcoming ELFQUEST film.

MARK MILLAR writes the ULTIMATE X-MEN and the upcoming ULTIMATES book for Marvel, and VAMPIRELLA for Harris Comics. I buy everything he writes.

TOM PEYER is a devoted dog owner, and I loved his writing even BEFORE he wrote four issues of AUTHORITY, APOLLO AND MIDNIGHTER for the Wildstorm Special, and six issues a year of PUNISHER.

BRIAN AUGUSTYN is one half of the team that made Flash the FLASH again, wrote the very first ELSEWORLDS, GOTHAM BY GASLIGHT, and is currently writing OUT THERE for Wildstorm and LEGENDS OF THE SAGE for Chaos.

DAN BRERETON is one of comics' best and most prolific painters, as well as the very entertaining writer of THE NOCTURNALS and GUNWITCH for Oni Press. Check out his message board at www.comicscommunity.com/boards/brereton

WARREN ELLIS wrote one of my favorite recent books, the first issue of MINISTRY OF SPACE. He also writes TRANSMETROPOLITAN and PLANETARY, and just had his CBR column COME IN ALONE, collected into one volume by Larry Young's AiT/Planet Lar.

RENEE FRENCH is the genius behind MARBLES IN MY UNDERPANTS for Oni, and THE SOAP LADY for Top Shelf. See onipress.com, topshelfcomix.com, and her own website, reneefrench.com

LEA HERNANDEZ is my adopted sister and the creator of Cathedral Child, Rumble Girls, and Clockwork Angels. She's the artist for POPPY written by Warren Ellis and KILLER PRINCESSES written by me. You should, no, you must, buy her stuff. You'll thank me.

TONY ISABELLA writes one of the longest-running and most-respected comics columns ever, Tony's Tips for Comics Buyer's Guide, reprinted with new material at http://www.wfcomics.com/tony, as well as an additional online column for www.perpetualcomics.com. His busy message board is at "http://www.comicscommunity.com/boards/tony"

DAN CURTIS JOHNSON wrote the much-missed CHASE, and currently, I'm not sure what he's writing because he didn't give me any blurbs, the humble guy. But he's brilliant!

DAN JOLLEY, wrote the excellent JSA Elseworlds, and is currently writing OBERGEIST and the upcoming SABRETOOTH mini-series for Marvel.

DAN JURGENS doth write THOR for Marvel, and TOMB RAIDER for Top Cow, and I like the way he draws Batman a lot. And everything else.

RON MARZ lived through all the death threats from Hal Jordan fans to write SCION, MYSTIC and SOJOURN for CrossGen. My favorite recent book of his was Batman/Tarzan, which you should get.

JOE QUESADA is an up-and-coming creator we may hear more from someday. Plus, he's Editor-in-Chief of some comics company, or something. He can DRAW.

DAVID QUINN, writes the cult-favorite FAUST for comics and film, and co-publishes Love of the Damned through Rebel Studios with his artist and co-creator, Tim Vigil.

SCOTT SHAW! is my four-time Emmy winning amigo, co-creator of Captain Carrot, and is currently busy in animation, as well as writing and drawing for Bongo Comics.

JEN VAN METER wrote the Blair Witch comics and HOPELESS SAVAGES for Oni. Get them, they're great comics.

MARK WAID wrote everything when it was good. Now he writes EMPIRE for DC, and RUSE, CRUX and SIGIL for CrossGen.



You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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