FROM THE JOURNAL OF FRANCINE PETERS…
These Pants I Wear
These pants I wear I bought at Ross
To make me skinny like Kate Moss
They’re much too snug, they’re not my size
They bulge at belly, hips and thighs
I hope and pray these pants I wear
Will hide my spreading derriere
That grows for all the world to see
These pants I wear are killing me
But Katchoo says I never learn
I buy on clearance and can’t return
I hate these pants-I hate my mom
I miss the dress I wore at prom
Back when I was young and thin
And my toga wouldn’t hold me in
But high school girls eat lots of cake
And chips and chocolate bars and steak
So think before your love begins
These pants are all that hold me in
So seams may pop to give me room
And these pants I wear will seal your doom
I guess I really should leave the poetry stuff to
Katchoo and David…They’ve both been so
good to me. No one has ever loved me the way Katchoo
does. She’d die for me in a heartbeat, I know it.
That’s such a rare and precious commodity. Tonight,
I’ve decided to finally return her love, completely.
Til tomorrow, dear diary,
Francine bursts into Katchoo’s bedroom, wearing only a
nightshirt and a giddy smile. Katchoo is struggling to
wake up, hair down in her eyes and blinking at the
light streaming in through the newly-open doorway.
“Katchoo! Katchoo! Wake up! I saw the elephant!”
“Francine…wha…? Wha’s wrong…?”
“Nothing, Katchoo! I mean, everything! I mean, I’ve
made a decision…”
Katchoo reaches for her cigarettes, groans when she sees that her battered and abused alarm clock says it’s 4:35 am…”Okay, Francine, you woked me up, now give me the benefit of your thoughts. Let me have it. What is so friggin’ important?”
“Listen to me, Katchoo…this IS important.”
Katchoo looks at the sincerity in her friend’s eyes, instantly dropping her flippant facade…”Oh, honey…I’m sorry. I AM listening.” She reaches up to hold Francine’s darling face in her hands. “Are you okay, baby? What’s wrong? It’s not Freddy again, is it?” She brushes away an errant strand of hair from Francine’s forehead…
Francine gently takes Katchoo’s hands into her own, and her eyes soften. “No, no, this isn’t about Freddie. It’s about us. You know how you’re always telling me I never make up my mind? Well, I realized tonight that I’ve been running from myself…from my feelings for the best friend I’ll ever have. I’ve tried to deny this, but it’s like I’ve come awake after a long sleep. You are my heart. I love you, Katchoo. I always have, and I always will. Forever.”
She moves her face in, lowering her head slightly to kiss Katchoo on the lips…
“HELLO!!!” , says Casey (Francine’s ex-boyfriend’s new wife), bursting into the room with enormous new breasts, smiling in her cute but ditzy way…
After a moment’s silence, Katchoo stares at the doorway through which their unexpected guest has just exited, smirks, and says, “Well…THAT was different. Now, what were you saying?”
Francine sighs, and recollects her thoughts. “I was saying, before we were interrupted, like ALWAYS, that you’ve been right all along. What I want IS right here with me, and I want to show you that I mean it. I love you, Katchoo.”
Trembling, Francine moves in closer to her friend…her lips part softly and her eyes close as her mouth nears Katchoo’s…
Suddenly, a six foot plus shadow fills the doorway, “Hello, Cinderella,” a deep feminine voice belonging to a muscular woman who was almost CERTAINLY a lesbian growls threateningly, “Am I interrupting something?”
Francine and Katchoo both yelp in surprise, “TAMBI! Or BAMBI!”
“Hello, ladies.”, the deadly former Darcy enforcer mutters, scornfully, “Just came by at this exact and seemingly critical moment in your relationship, just when it’s about to be consumated after years of constantly referring to it and several dozen false starts and cliffhangers, to remind you both…I’m watching you. And remember, I’m a woman, so I’m most likely a lesbian even though that hasn’t been overtly referred to at this point. Even though I worked for a KILLER lesbian who had a great big group of ninja lesbians working for her. So, again, though it hasn’t been explicitly mentioned, I’m almost certainly a lesbian. I’d say the odds are like 9 to 1, in favor of my sexual preference being other women. Maybe 8 to 1, but certainly in that range. Well, bye.”
Francine stares at the now-vacated doorway, “Wow. Weird timing, huh?”
Katchoo, still a bit confused, says, “It’s like these people show up every time we try to have an important conversation. It’s just creepy! All right, Francine. Collect your little thoughts and tell me what it is you’re trying to say.”
Francine sighs, “Do I have to go through it all again? CRIMINY! Okay, okay…it’s just this: For a long time, I’ve been trying to be someone I thought I was supposed to be, instead of being what I want to…wait. Let me start over. For a long time, I’ve wanted to be who you want – crap, that’s not it. Okay. Katchoo, you are my heart. No, I mean, you’re IN my heart. Whatever. What I mean is, I’m ready to be with you, forever.”
Katchoo, taken off-guard, again takes Francine’s hand, “Francine, I don’t understand…”
Suddenly, the door flings open again, and the light from the hallway is partially obscured by a beautiful but menacing woman wearing a bizarre and uncomfortable-looking red bathing suit.
“AHA!”, says the woman in the doorway. “I SUSPECTED you two would be in here!”
“We LIVE here! Who the **** are YOU?!?”, says Katchoo, exasperated.
“I’m VAMPIRELLA! I’m not even IN this book, but I felt a strange compunction to come right over here and make SURE you two were interrupted! For you see, even though comics are read primarily by guys who think that they’re enlightened, I ALONE know that the SECRET ENGINE that drives the ENTIRE industry is SILLY SEXUAL INNUENDO! It’s EVERYWHERE! Wonder Woman butt-shots! Gen 13’s non-stop erect nipples! Witchblade’s armor that will protect her completely, assuming someone is targeting her areolae or the crack of her ass! Lady Death’s enourmous, world-devouring ti…well, crap, you get the point, right?
“And for all this talk, no one actually ever HAS an
adult sexual relationship…this is the one
unbreakable law! It’s titillation without completion
that keeps the fans coming back, so DON’T MESS THAT
Francine and Katchoo stare at the deranged woman in
Vampirella is suddenly embarrassed…”Um. Guess I’ll go now. Unless one of you wants a big long sensuous blood-sucking scene…? No…? Make it look like we’re lovers? You sure? Makes a nice variant cover? No…? Well, okay. We should do a crossover sometime. I’m crossover curious. Anyway, um, bye.”
Francine cocks her head toward the doorway, “She looks
like she’s put on a few pounds…”
She turns back to Katchoo, impatiently…”Anyway, you’re in my heart, et
cetera, et cetera…love you always, yadda yadda
yadda, running from feelings, now let’s have sex.”
Katchoo’s eyes open in shock as her best friend moves
in to kiss her…”Francine!! What the hell are you
talking about? “Let’s have SEX!?!” What are you
Francine’s head moves back in shock as though she’s
been slapped in the face, “Huh? But…but Katchoo! I
thought…I thought that you wanted to..!”
Katchoo moves back withdrawing her hands from Francine’s, “Jeez, Francine! You must be the QUEEN of mixed signals…I’m sorry, we’re friends, but I don’t like you like that. I don’t know where you got such a crazy idea, Francine! I’m one hundred percent guy-lovin’ straight! And for God’s sake, Peters, put some PANTS on!”
NOTE FROM TERRY MOORE: What a SHOCKER, huh? Bet you didn’t see THAT coming! Wow! Anyway, the stunning CONCLUSION to this story is next! Right after a three-issue sidetrip into the lives of Katchoo and Francine when they were in Junior High, before they knew each other, and a dream issue that takes place on a VERY familar starship with a very logical David and Katchoo playing a certain hard-fighting, hard-loving space captain, and then a Buffy the Vampire Slayer Homage, and a very special all-crossword puzzle issue! Don’t miss it! Also, don’t miss my special All-lesbian issue of Betty and Veronica that I enjoyed doing so much I refused to be paid for it!
PS: To that woman who got plastic surgery and gained thirty pounds to look like Francine – That’s REALLY flattering! What great fans I have!
Special thanks to Terry Moore for his generous help and for use of the SiP logo. Visit the official Strangers in Paradise website today.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.
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