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Riverdale…good God, you used to be such a beautiful place. I had so many wonderful dreams about
spending my life here; marrying Archie Andrews, having
lots of children and even grandkids someday. But then
the plague, and the earthquake, and the terrorist
attacks, and another plague, two more earthquakes, a
meltdown at the power plant, a final earthquake and
then a couple more plagues, and it’s like the whole
town is CURSED or something.

My name is Betty Cooper. Last year, I was an
honors student at Riverdale High, on my way to a
bright future. Now I work collecting urine for Dilton
Doiley’s recycling plant, helping to create the only
potable water in all of Reggietown. It’s grim,
disgusting work. I try not to think about it too much.

Since the government sealed off all access to
Riverdale months ago, hope isn’t the only commodity in
short supply. Those strong enough to force their will
upon the populace cut the town into heavily-guarded
territories, and began immediate rationing of all
supplies. Reggie’s made me an offer: marry him and
live like a queen. Sometimes, when I think of the
awful things I’ve had to do just to survive here, I
find myself weakening and considering his proposal.

So why don’t I? You guessed it: I’m still in love
with Archie, even though he disappeared right around
the time the government closed the town off. There
are rumors and sitings, but nothing conclusive…Oh, Archie.
I miss you so much. Why did you desert us?

But last night…I had a revelation. I know what to do
now. It hit me like an electric shock. I know what
we can do to bring hope to the whole town and sanity
back into all our lives.

We need to get the band back together.


A burnt-out wreck; one of the saddest sights in
all Riverdale. Pop hasn’t been seen in a week, but
Jughead refuses to leave. At first I thought it was
loyalty to Pop, but now I’m not so sure…

BETTY: But Jughead…! We NEED you! Without your
rock-solid drumming, we can’t even HOPE to reform the

JUGHEAD: You know, it’s totally surprising what you
can make a hambuger out of. Really, you wouldn’t
believe it. The first ratburger I ate, I really had to
choke down, you know? But now, jeez, I WISH I had a
nice juicy ratburger. You don’t have any rats on you,
do you? I’ll swap you a napkin dispenser for a medium
to large rat, and I’ll do the gutting, what do you say?

BETTY: Listen, Jughead…Forsythe, I mean…

JUGHEAD: Don’t call me that! Unless you have a rat!

BETTY: Okay…Jughead, listen. This town is DYING.
They’ve sealed the town off completely and the
Mighty Crusaders can’t get in. Even Sabrina, the
Teenaged Witch and Sonic the Hedgehog are powerless to
help! It’s up to US to…what is that you’re cooking?

JUGHEAD: Nothing.

BETTY: It looks like a stewpot with a foot in it…

JUGHEAD: It’s a rabbit. Sometimes, when you skin a rabbit, it looks like a foot.

BETTY: That’s a foot. Where’s Pop Tate, by the way?


BETTY: Well?

JUGHEAD: I can’t think with you nagging me all the time!

BETTY: Jughead, please, listen to me. I’m getting the Archies back together. We had a number one hit…that’s bigger than the Partridge family and the Brady Kids together. If we can play one last time, I KNOW it’ll bring joy and hope to the hearts of everyone in town, and we might just all learn a valuable lesson, like we used to at the end of every episode. And maybe the government will lift the ban on imported goods…that’d mean beef, Jughead…real, juicy, cornfed beef.

JUGHEAD: Damn you, foul temptress! Just let me pack
up this foot stew and my drumsticks…

We barely made it out of that block alive…it seems Jughead’s dog and former best friend Hot Dog had gone feral and was leader of a pack of wild scavenger hounds. They had us cornered and things looked pretty grim, until Jughead bravely sacrificed his foot stew.
I know he was considering throwing me to the dogs first, but I’ve been doing a lot of kickboxing lately, and I guess he just decided not to risk it.

Next stop, Reggie’s headquarters in the Admin offices at Riverdale High…

REGGIE: Betty, dear Betty. So nice to see you. And you’ve brought Butthead.


REGGIE: Can I offer you something? I have half an apple…I could get you an ounce or two of Pepsi, I think…We have a six-pack of Surge, but oddly, no one will drink that stuff no matter how thirsty they get.

JUGHEAD: Do you have any rat? An ounce or two of rat?

BETTY: We’re not here for that, Reggie. Are you in or not? And how’d you get the eyepatch?

REGGIE: I got in a knife fight with Ms. Grundy. Old bag packs a surprising wallop! Look, I haven’t picked up a bass in months, and the New Riverdale Militia is taking up SO much of my time, what with training, Reggie Appreciation Day, public executions and whatnot. Really, I’d like to help, but…

JUGHEAD: Let him answer the rat question!

REGGIE: Anyway, aren’t the Pussycats available? Certainly Josie’d be glad to pitch in at this dark hour…

BETTY: Josie and the Pussycats are in outer space and you KNOW it, Reggie! Look, if you ever cared about me — if you ever had any feelings for me at all, you’d do this. I knew you BEFORE you became a Neo-Nazi, Reggie, and I know that somewhere, deep down, underneath all those SS symbols, there’s a rockin’ musician dying to get out and pump up the jams one…last…time!

REGGIE: …I never could resist you, Betty. I know you always loved Archie more, but…All right, you got me. I’ll play.

JUGHEAD: Hey! Ms. Grundy’s kinda HOT in that Eva Braun outfit!

Lodgeville was easy to get into…we just told the guards that we were the caterers and they sent us right on through. Not much has changed at the Lodge mansion, except that they’ve re-legalized slavery, to the surprise of no one. There was an odd moment when Mr. Lodge tried to sign us all into indentured servitude, and then we finally got a chance to explain the situation to Veronica.

VERONICA: …Betty, dear, I’m sorry, but of course I can’t play. Daddy’s got me so frightfully busy these days, with the cotillions and debutante balls. It’s just out of the question, I’m afraid.

BETTY: I see. I should have known you’d only care about yourself, even in a crisis when the whole town is suffering. Well, let’s go, Jughead. I guess we’ll find Archie without Veronica.

VERONICA: ARCHIE?! You’re looking for ARCH…I mean, well, I’ve reconsidered. I’ll go with you, of COURSE I will! Let me just fetch a few things for the trip. Reggie, be a dear and carry my bags…?

JUGHEAD: Man, I just lost another tooth, and my hair is falling out in clumps!

REGGIE: I don’t get it. I mean, what IS it with Archie? He’s broke, not that bright, has bad hair, a crap car, is terrified of commitment, wears ridiculous clothes, and yet, you girls would do ANTYHING for him!

VERONICA and BETTY: sigh…!

JUGHEAD: Stupid rats with their lack of nutritional components!

It turned out Archie wasn’t as hard to find as I’d feared. He was working in Moosedale. We were kind of shocked and surprised to see Moose dressed like a seventies-style pimp, ala Huggy Bear, though.

MOOSE: Duh, I understand you’d like to rent one of my boys? Everything in No Man’s Land has a, duh, whatchacallit, a PRICE, Betty.

REGGIE: Gee, I knew I should have declared war on Moosedale weeks ago.

MOOSE: Duh, listen, Reggie, I’ll cut you, you dis me again. Stupid Nasty!

VERONICA: That’s ‘Nazi’, Moose. Reggie’s a ‘Nazi’, not a ‘Nasty.’ Where’d you get those darling platform shoes, by the way?

JUGHEAD: What does this job pay, Moose? I know I look a little weird right now, but that’s probably just scurvy, and in a dark alley, who cares anyway?

BETTY: Please, Moose…this is for the whole town. We NEED Archie. Without him, there ARE no Archies!

MOOSE: Duh, okay, but duh. Duh. This one’s on me, guys. For, duh, old time’s sake.

BETTY: (Hugging Moose…) Oh, THANK you Moose!
You might’ve just saved us all!

When Archie came through the door wearing a
pretty pink teddy with his face all covered with
too much rouge, we all could see why he’d kept a low

REGGIE: I may not have any depth perception now, but isn’t Archie dressed like a girl?

ARCHIE: …Veronica?

BETTY: Hey, dip****! Over HERE! HELLO! Excuse me,
I’m the one who got us all together…? It was me who
got Moose to let you out of your contract? HELLO!?!!?

I waved my hand in front of his face, but it was
like I was invisible to him.

ARCHIE: Oh, Veronica!! You don’t know how many times
I’ve thought of you!!

VERONICA: Oh, really? Well, now that I know you want
me so badly, I don’t care about you at all. Hmmph!

BETTY: While *I* can’t bear to think of you with
anyone else, Archie, even though you’ve been with
probably hundreds, by the looks of things!

REGGIE: While *I* would gladly give my LIFE to see
either of you look at ME the way you look at Archie,
just once!

JUGHEAD: While *I* have virtually NO sexual impulses
whatsoever, of ANY kind!

MOOSE: Man, duh, you guys is pretty screwed up for a kid’s comic, don’t you think?

ALL: ?

MOOSE: Seriously, duh, I mean, take a look at the covers to your comics. They’re all about how deceitful Reggie and Veronica are, and what a poonhound Archie is, and how Jughead doesn’t care about anything but food, and how Betty and Veronica look in skimpy bikinis and how they’re supposed to be friends but would kill each other for a man…it’s just weird, duh.

JUGHEAD: It’s not true about me, now that I think about it… I have this wild fantasy, where Cheryl
Blossom and Katy Keene are both in bikinis, and they’re cooking me a bunch of big fat juicy
ratburgers, and then they eat a rat together and let me watch, and then we all three of us eat a rat at the
same time…Oh, my God, I’m so hungry!

VERONICA: Ew. How post-apocalyptically common.

ARCHIE: HIT IT, Jughead!


Aw, honey, honey!

They won’t let us leave this town,

And it’s got me missing food…

Oh, pizza,

Aw, bacon, pudding!

Roving gangs of thugs abound

And they cop an attitude

When I kissed you girl, I dreamed I had some food to eat

(Dreamed I had some food to eat…)

Then I just despaired and lost all hope of eating meat
(Jughead now likes eating feet…!)

Oh, woah oh oh oh!


Aw, honey honey!

How’d ya make my life so sweet?
 (hey hey hey!)

Pour a little pork fat on me, honey!

(Sugar sugar)

Pour a little ramen on me, baby!

Needless to say, the concert was a big success,
til someone thoughtlessly shot Moose’s girlfriend
Midge a bunch of times, but to be honest, we all sort
of expected that since something like that always

happens at the end of a big crossover. It did seem a
little gratuitous, but you know, editors work in
mysterious ways. S’funny, but right after the
concert, the government opened the gates of Riverdale
and allowed relief workers in. It may have been a
coincidence, but I like to think that our singing had
something to do with it.

It’s almost bizarre how fast things are going back to the way we were. Almost as if the whole thing never happened.

Jughead seemed to be able to go right back to
eating beef without any serious adjustment period,
which is nice. Reggie’s going away for a while,
probably something to do with his whole Death Camp
plan. Veronica is already off to Paris, shopping.
Seems she accidentally wore the same outfit twice
during the whole No Man’s Land debacle, and now she
never seems sated no matter what she spends.

And me? Well, Archie and I are married. It turns
out that he wasn’t always girlwatching simply because
he was on the make 24/7, it was also because he was
jealous of our outfits.

But he’s ALL MAN, otherwise, and our life together
has been really wonderful, everything I’d ever
dreamed. Too bad the poisoned water made him sterile,
and it’s weird having a husband with breasts, but no
relationship is without a few quirks. And we’ll
always have the music. In fact, we’re thinking of
hitting the road as a duet, just Archie on guitar and
me on tambourine. We may be coming to your town,
someday. So just remember, in a weird way, EVERYTHING’S Archie!


Betty Cooper-Andrews

New Riverdale

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.

Archie is TM & © Archie Comics. All Rights Reserved.

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