The door to Bob’s Comics slams open and two
out-of-breath men rush in and make their way
immediately to the checkout counter.
KIM THOMPSON: We got here as soon as we could, Bob. Is this the guy?
GARY GROTH: This is the guy who was buying superhero comics? Let’s kick the CRAP out of him!
KIM THOMPSON: Gary! Hold on a minute…maybe he made a MISTAKE.
COMIC STORE GUY: No mistake, guys. He bought at least ten Marvel books.
GARY GROTH: …Ten Marvel…! Oh, my GOD! I…I just can’t stop this RAGE!!!
KIM THOMPSON: Gary…let’s give him a chance to
GARY GROTH: (Crying…) But I HATE him! I HATE HIM SO MUCH!!!
KIM THOMPSON: I know, Gary. I know. And you’re RIGHT
to hate him. But we’re here to help people
like him, right? Isn’t that right? Hasn’t The Comics
Journal always been about helping?
GARY GROTH: (Biting through his upper lip, spotting
his t-shirt with blood…) Eyyeyeyyyyyuuuughh!
Goddamn ****ing ****s and their grraarr snort HATE
HATE HATE them!
KIM THOMPSON: That’s better, Gary. Get it all out.
CUSTOMER: Hey, what IS this? Who ARE you guys?
KIM THOMPSON: You just SHUT UP, kid. This is for your
OWN SAFETY! All right, Gary. Calming down? Can we
do what we came here to do?
GARY GROTH: (Snapping at invisible insects…)
Hate them. Yes. Calming down. Yes. Hate superheroes
and the idiots who read them, but still…calming down.
Quite calm now. I’m reminded of something Isaac
Bashevis Singer, the only Yiddish author to win the
Nobel Prize for literature, said when they made a
horrible film of one of his stories…
CUSTOMER: (Pointing at Groth…) Wow! Is he
gonna Hulk out again?
GARY GROTH: (Rushes at CUSTOMER, is restrained by
a well-prepared KIM THOMPSON) I’ll KILL him!
I’ll KILL him! I just want to GRRRRAARRR snap bite
KIM THOMPSON: Stop it, Gary! We’re here to HELP this
young man! Now, listen…what’s your name?
KIM THOMPSON: And how OLD are you, Timmy? Nineteen?
TIMMY: I’m TWELVE!
KIM THOMPSON: TWELVE! Well, the devil you say!
You’re a big boy. Isn’t he a big boy, Gary?
GARY GROTH: (Dragging his fingernails against his
cheeks…) Big. Yes. He’s big. Big piece of CRAP!
I’ll KILL HIM!!!
Kim pulls out a large black Coast Guard flashlight
and administers three rapid blows to Gary’s
kidneys…Gary vomits noisily as Kim puts on his
reasonable face for the customer…
KIM THOMPSON: Listen, son. We’re not here to judge
you. Gary and I publish The Comics Journal, and we
also head up Fantagraphics. We’re here because we
CARE. We just want to help! It’s obvious you have a
problem: Superhero Comics. It’s nothing to be ashamed
of…we just want you to get well. We’re your
TIMMY: I don’t even KNOW you guys!
GARY GROTH: Ow. Jesus. Ow. Hate. Ow. Hate Superheroes. Urgh.
KIM THOMPSON: Timmy– Denial isn’t just a river in
Spain or an assertion that an allegation is false.
It’s also a noun meaning that you read Superhero
Comics. Too MANY Superhero Comics! And we’re CONCERNED for you. You’re twelve, right? Wouldn’t you much
rather be reading the endless and baffling stories of two girls who used to be solar mechanics and their
band and some Mexican wrestling and people eating snails?
TIMMY: Huh? Look, just let me take my Wolverine and go home! You’re SCARING me!
KIM THOMPSON: I can see you’re reading Pokemon – well,
did you know that Fantagraphics ALSO publishes a book
about an annoying loser from Seattle and his horrid
family and awful girlfriend? How’s THAT for crazy
characters? Bet you wish you could catch them all in
those Pokey Ball Sacks you kids love so much!
TIMMY: Does it have mutants?
GARY GROTH: Oh, that’s IT. He’s DEAD. Hold him ’til I can stand up. I’ll slice his throat and drink his blood!
KIM THOMPSON: No, Gary. He needs understanding, not blood-drinking. Let ME handle this.
GARY GROTH: Goddamn it! Now my face is imprinted
with COMIC STORE CARPET! Oh, CURSE THIS WRETCHED
EXISTENCE that doesn’t allow me to vent my FURY! My
only true pleasure lies in viciousvituperation! Why,
oh why must the WORLD be so BOUNTIFUL in TARGETS and
yet so unyielding in its ASSAULT LAWS? I’m surrounded
by BANAL HACKERY!
TIMMY: And you have a Jujube on your forehead!
COMICS STORE GUY: Dibs!
GARY GROTH: (To Timmy…) You sniveling,
snot-nosed little PUKE! Oh, if only my hands weren’t
bound by society…
KIM THOMPSON: Timmy, never mind him. How about this
book? It’s an out-of-sequence autobiographical comic
featuring a completely unpleasant little Canadian
fellow! CANADIAN, like WOLVERINE! It’s called Yummy
Fur! FUR, like WOLVERINE! Or, how about this? It’s
called Acme Novelty Library, and…well, I haven’t a
CLUE what it is, but it’s VASTLY superior to
Spider-Man, of that I’m CERTAIN. Aren’t you the least
GARY GROTH: Tell about the porn!
KIM THOMPSON: Yes! The PORN! You’re too young to
read these, Timmy — but in the interest of expanding
the field and uplifting the industry, we publish
dozens and dozens of shoddy porno comics! I mean,
it’s virtually an endless parade of graphic hardcore
porn, ranging from elegant erotica to the
ass-crappiest trash you’ll EVER see, by people who
are busy pushing the envelope of erotic fiction, if by
“pushing the envelope” they mean girls with big ones!
This is all part of how we maintain our position as
THE guiding moral force of the industry, and of course
THAT is how we can say mean things about people who
recently passed away, and Timmy, THAT is a PERK!
GARY GROTH: (Excited now…) Tell him about
KIM THOMPSON: That’s right…Timmy, did you know that
Fantagraphics hasn’t published a story anyone could
understand since 1983? It’s our proud heritage to
publish some of the head-scratchingest crypto-comics
EVER! Now, Timmy…why don’t you just put down the
Spider-Man comics, and we’ll go over and just scoop up
a big armful of Chester Brown, whaddya say, huh, pal?
It’s easy…! First you admit that you’re powerless
over your addiction, and then you acknowledge a higher
power, and that’d be Gary and me, and then you just
ditch these comics and you’re on the Road to Recovery!
GARY GROTH: Forget X-Men! Look! Here’s the latest
TIMMY: But…but…I LIKE Marvel Comics! I don’t WANT any other comics!
GARY GROTH: (Banging head on wooden countertop…) Oh unjust WORLD that would put ME in
jail for KILLING the likes of HIM! Up is down, black
is white, killing MARVEL fans is WRONG! Despair grips
me like one of those double-strap latex ball gags–The
kind that make it sort of hard to breathe, but in a
COMIC STORE GUY: Okay, guys. That’s enough. I don’t
know why I agreed to call you two in the first place.
He doesn’t WANT any of your books. Sure, you guys
have published some of the finest comics ever, with
Hate, Love & Rockets, and many many others, and your
archive editions of classic comic strips are a
national treasure. It’d be a poorer industry by far
without you. But leave the kid alone! Didn’t you
guys even reprint a bunch of old John Byrne stuff?
Didn’t you used to LIKE superhero comics? And who are
YOU to tell people that what they like is nothing but
trash? What gives you the right to sneer at anyone whose tastes are dissimilar to yours? You should be ASHAMED.
KIM THOMPSON: …
GARY GROTH: …
KIM THOMPSON: Bob…I…
GARY GROTH: Oh, my God. He’s RIGHT, and we’ve been so
WRONG! This little kid wants to read Spider-Man…Let
him READ it! What harm could it do? Oh, it’s like a
great WEIGHT has been lifted! It’s like the clouds
have parted, and a ray of sunshine has beamed its
merry way down to me!
KIM THOMPSON: (Sobbing with relevatory joy)
GARY GROTH: …I…I no longer feel the need to MOCK and
DENIGRATE and INSULT! I feel this sense of JOY and
inner calm! I feel REBORN, Kim! I feel a sense of
well-being and LOVE for my fellow man! SUPERMAN!
SUPERMAN MAKES SENSE TO ME, NOW!
KIM THOMPSON: Oh…it’s all too beautiful! It’s like a wonderful DREAM!
GARY GROTH: That’s it, Kim! When we get back to the office, EVERYTHING is going to change! No more angry attacks on people for not producing work we enjoy! No more insulting people’s morals for not buying the Journal!
KIM THOMPSON: I LOVE LIFE!
GARY GROTH: And to think it’s all thanks to this obese comics store owner and this remarkable young man…!
Timmy kicks Gary with terrific force in the shin,
dropping Groth back to his knees with a loud surprised
groan…, flashing a Satanic hand-gesture before running
out the door…
GARY GROTH: AAAAH! ****! ****ing ****!!! I am
TIMMY: WOLVERINE RULES, OLD DUDES!!! Hahhahahahaha!
GARY GROTH: Urk. Ack!
KIM THOMPSON: Gary! That little BASTARD! Are you all right?
GARY GROTH: (Rolling on the floor…) Ugh……this…this would be a good time to review some comics or write an editorial. Get me some paper and a pen…has anyone beloved by the industry died recently? Quickly, while I’m still in great pain!
KIM THOMPSON: By GOD, we’re two noble individuals!
GARY GROTH: The MUSE IS UPON ME! Is Stan Lee still alive, by the way?
Visit The Comics Journal on the internet at http://www.tcj.com/
|You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.|
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