CARMEN TIONELLI: Guiseppi! You are the laziest boy I’m ever know! You are too astupid to be onna the trapeze!
GIUSEPPI: But Mama! Why do you say these things to me? Why are you so mean to me?
CARMEN: Ptoo! You make me asick with you flashy pants anda you plataforma shoes! You are NO son of mine! Your Papa and I work day and night to bring you up like agood, decent circus people, and you go out every night and study at the library! Antonio, tell your “son” why he is un disappunto to his Mama!
ANTONIO: My head hurts…I am very very drunk. Heh. Show in afive minutes! I better eat asomething…this plant looks good…*chew munch chew…*
CARMEN: You SEE, Giuseppi? You make your father drink, he is in so much apain! You shame us, and all your cousins; Fabio the mule-faced boy, Mario the Whatisit, and even Carlo the Tiny General. You shame us all! You GO now…you no welcome in this famiglia NO MORE! Stupid stupid boy! Leave this trailer atta once!
GIUSEPPI: (Weeping…) All right! I’ll go! I’m sick of living in a family of crazy acrobat ethnic stereotypes anyhow!
ANTONIO: He’s a good boy. I’m throw up now.
GIUSEPPI: I’m going! And I’m going to BE something, Mama! You’ll see! I’m going to be a STAR!
CARMEN: Take your astupid Farrah Fawcetta poster as well! She’s amaking me SICK!
Giuseppi runs from the dressing room, nearly bumping into a tall, well-dressed man by the Big Top’s bleachers as his parents climb the ladder to the trapeze platform.
BRUCE WAYNE: Hey, kid…! Slow down! What’s your hurry?
GIUSEPPI: I’ve just got to get out of here, man-this place is uncool. I’m leaving for GOOD and I’m NEVER coming back. Hey…I know you. You’re that actor guy…you were in The Longest Yard and Sharkey’s Machine. You kick ass, man!
BRUCE WAYNE: No no no…My name’s Bruce Wayne. I’m a rich dude. Why aren’t you up there with your parents? Speaking of which, your dad’s looking a little shakey up there. Is he all right?
GIUSEPPI: It’s five dollars to look at it and ten for me to play with it.
BRUCE WAYNE: WHA….?!?!
GIUSEPPI: Oh. thought you wanted…I mean, I thought you were…
BRUCE WAYNE: Good LORD, no! Hey, I’m worried about your dad up there…he just threw up a potted plant. It looks like an ocimum basilicum, unless I’m very much mistaken. Er, shouldn’t they have a net or something?
GIUSEPPI: They’ll be okay. What’d you want, Mister Wayne?
BRUCE WAYNE: Well, to be honest, I’m having a little get-together up at my mansion, and I thought you might like to come. I’ve been watching your act, and I’ve got a feeling there’s something REALLY SPECIAL in your…
BRUCE WAYNE: Good LORD, no! In your heart. I just think you have a lot of HEART. What did you THINK I meant?
BRUCE WAYNE: My God! Don’t look, Giuseppi! Your dad slipped and now both your parents are dead–there are bits of them all over! That elephant would have broken your mother’s fall, if it hadn’t been riding that bicycle! Oh, you poor, poor lad!
GIUSEPPI: Yeah, yeah, a party sounds cool. What kind of car you got? One of these days I’m gonna get me an orange Trans Am.
A giant redwood burns in the fireplace in the Wayne Manor gymnasium…
BRUCE WAYNE: Giuseppi, you’re part of our family now. We may all be completely different, and we may seem like loners, and I talk about being a loner all the time, like for HOURS at a time, and we’re all constantly pushing each other away, and we’re pretty crabby, and I boss people around and they all get pretty sick of it but we’re a FAMILY.
GIUSEPPI: That’s cool. I can get into that. Rock and Roll!
BRUCE WAYNE: Good, good. I want you to meet Batgirl.
BRUCE WAYNE: Do you think she’s foxy?
GIUSEPPI: Oh, yeah! She’s totally hot!
BRUCE WAYNE: Would you like to fight her?
GIUSEPPI: Her? You mean now? SURE!!
BRUCE WAYNE: Great! Here, put on this outfit. It’s got a Kevlar weave, so it’ll stop a light caliber bullet, but it’s also a polyester blend so it breathes well and doesn’t sweat. The utility belt should have everything you need, AND it’s REVERSIBLE!
BATGIRL: Are we gonna fight now?
BRUCE WAYNE: Yeah, you’re gonna fight now.
BATGIRL: All right! (Jumps on the gym mat…)
GIUSEPPI: Uh…don’t you want to take your boots off?
BATGIRL: I never take my boots off!
BRUCE WAYNE: Giuseppi, try to shoot at her chest.
GIUSEPPI: … WHA….?!?!?
BRUCE WAYNE: …with the tranq darts. Gets into the bloodstream faster. Why, what did you think I meant?
GIUSEPPI: I…uh…I thought you meant…
BRUCE WAYNE: Oh, good LORD, no!
“Magnet and Steel” plays over the stereo system as Bruce gets into the hot tub with Azrael and Giuseppi…
BRUCE WAYNE: You did great today, kid. I’m proud of you. I feel like you’re the Italian carnival acrobat son I never had.
AZRAEL: He totally beat Batgirl, man!
GIUSEPPI: Bruce, I was thinking–I was thinking that I should change my name if I’m gonna hang with you guys.
BRUCE WAYNE: All right, kid. Let’s hear it.
GIUSEPPI: Okay…this came to me, like in a vision! There’s a night sky, and it’s all black, and then there’s this NAME in huge purple letters, right next to the Bat-signal, and the name BURNS UP THE SKY and BLOWS UP THE UNIVERSE! DICK. GRAYSON.
BRUCE WAYNE: …You know what I think? I think you were SENT here, Dick Grayson! Sent here to show us all your talent!
GIUSEPPI: Okay, well, that’s normally five bucks but you guys have been so nice to me and all…
BRUCE WAYNE: Will you get OFF of that, already?
At the party for “Dick (Giuseppi) Grayson”‘s college graduation, Azrael sits somewhat disconsolately at a table with Huntress. There are streamers everywhere, and a “Congratulations, Dick!” banner behind them.
AZRAEL: I feel pretty happy with them.
HUNTRESS: You should!
AZRAEL: They’re unique, I mean. I’m the only one that has them.
HUNTRESS: Oh, yes, they’re VERY unique.
AZRAEL: I wanted to…well, I wanted to stand out a bit, and all the good ideas were taken, like claws, and wings, and bat-ears…
HUNTRESS: They’re fine. You look fine!
AZRAEL: So, you know, I asked the Order if I could have a costume with three-fingered boxing gloves that weigh fifty pounds each, and have flaming swords coming out, you know? And I don’t regret them a BIT.
HUNTRESS: That’s terrific. You’re terrific!
AZRAEL: Oh, who am I kidding. LOOK AT THESE! I can’t dial a phone, I can’t eat or drink…I have to wear DIAPERS on patrol. DIAPERS!
HUNTRESS: What are your sales figures? Can you get me another mini-series? I’ll sleep with you. Right now, I mean. Let’s go. Right here.
Elsewhere at the party…
BRUCE WAYNE: Dick! I want you to meet Jason Todd. He’s gonna be staying at the mansion for a while. He’s got a lot of talent-reminds me a lot of how YOU used to be before becoming Nightwing…
JASON TODD: Oh, Mr. Grayson…it’s an honor to meet you! I’m a real fan of your work…that time you got taken hostage by the Joker? I mean that fiftieth time? That was so cool, man! And that time you got taken hostage by the Riddler? I mean, the RIDDLER? And he threw you in the shark tank, and you said, “Where’s Aquaman when you need him?” That was SO COOL!!
DICK GRAYSON: Yeah? Well BACK OFF, kid. I don’t need any funky, freaky FAN trying to use MY REP! I was Robin, get it? And there ain’t gonna BE another Robin. So, either sit down and shut up or get on your feet RIGHT NOW and show me what you’ve got, you punk!
JASON TODD: (Adjusting his pants…) Well, normally, this would cost five dollars, but since I’m such a fan…
BRUCE WAYNE: All right…simmer down. Let’s all CALM DOWN.
DICK GRAYSON: You SHUT UP! Don’t you ****ing tell me what to do! You’re NOTHING without me! I don’t need you! I’m the star around here and I’m ready to go on patrol NOW! Let’s go–Get suited up…!
BRUCE WAYNE: Dick, I said CALM DOWN.
Huntress, Batgirl, and Azrael look on sadly as Dick hops around the room, spitting and cursing…
DICK GRAYSON: I’ve got BETTER OFFERS! I know KARATE! Man, GREEN ARROW would give his LEFT NUT to have a sidekick like me!
HUNTRESS: (Crying…) But Dick! We’re a family!
DICK GRAYSON: Will you for the LOVE of GOD quit saying that!?! If we’re a family, we’re the STUPIDEST FAMILY EVER, not to mention that you and I DID IT, “sis!”
BATGIRL: (To Huntress…) Oh, you lucky slut! Tell me everything!
BRUCE WAYNE: Get out, Dick. Get out of the cave. Go. Go now. Don’t come back.
DICK GRAYSON: What?…But…but…All right. FINE. FINE! I’ll GO! I don’t need ANY of you!
JASON TODD: All right! Now I get to be Robin FOREVER!! Yippeeeee!
Months later, a distraught, humiliated Dick Grayson, bowed with shame, confronts his previous mentor. The Beach Boys’ “God Only Knows” plays on the new stereo Azrael installed in the living room…
DICK GRAYSON: Bruce? Bruce?
BRUCE WAYNE: …
DICK GRAYSON: Bruce…I ****ed up bad. I don’t know what I was thinking. I joined the Teen Titans. I thought…I thought I could BE somebody. I thought that I’d be in charge. But oh, God, Bruce! We fought a guy called the Mad Mod. We had a guy in the group who said, “Groovin’ Guitarfish” all the time. Later, we had a girl who had a stinger on her ass and I fell in love with this space princess and she turned out to be a man and then they all turned evil and now the only girl in the group with any sense at ALL has fallen for SPEEDY, for Cripes’ sake…! (Begins crying…)
DICK GRAYSON: Bruce, please…can I come home? I’ve messed up. I’m so sorry. Can I come home now?
NOTE TO READERS: We’d show this next scene, a really gut-wrenching and emotional scene, honest, with a tearful reunion between Dick and Bruce…but DC says father/son hugs are gay.