JARVIS: Master Thor! Master Iron Man! I’m afraid there has been a disturbance! ULTRON XXIV is in Midtown and the Mayor has requested full Avengers assistance immediately!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: BLAST! First the Triune Understanding, and now this! Full alert, Avengers– Iron Man, deploy the Quinjet! Jarvis, notify Justice and Firestar, and send them to rendezvous with us at the crash site. MOVE, people!
IRON MAN: Already on it, Cap. Blast it, this WOULD have to happen with some of our most powerful members on other assignments. If only Warbird could have controlled her drinking problem! Of course, it’s hard for me to throw stones, as I once ALSO had a drinking problem, which I overcame though the road was long and arduous, and then I was turned young or died or something, but of course, I could have just been really toasted, it’s hard to say!
SCARLET WITCH: I’m ready for duty also, Cap. If only I weren’t so CONFUSED over my love for Wonder Man, who has the brain patterns that were given to my ex-husband, the Vision, and my concern over how my powers work now, and having Magneto for a father and being a mutant, and this bizarre costume…! Fortunately, the bangles make it the perfect stealth outfit, but I wish I had a tamborine, and perhaps a trained monkey…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: There’s no help for it, Wanda…We’re AVENGERS. If necessary, we fight to the last man. ULTRON MUST NOT PREVAIL!
THOR: So ALSO sayeth THOR, GOD OF THUNDER! SO SAY WE ALL, brave Captain! The mighty MJOLNIR is E’ER at your side in battle!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Glad to hear it, Thor! Now, AVENGERS ASSEM…
THOR: Captain! The ODINSON requests a small BOON of thee! It seems he doth stayed up LATE last night CAROUSING and DRINKING ALE and making most MERRY with friend HERCULES, and now he must URINATE!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: …?
THOR: Verily, Thor must unleash the FULL FURY of his BLADDER ‘pon yonder PORCELAIN THRONE!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Uh…
IRON MAN: What Cap means, Thor, is…well, okay, go ahead, we’ll wait.
THOR: The FLOW of THOR’S MIGHTY VOIDING shall O’ERFLOW even the mansion’s mighty plumbing!
SCARLET WITCH: Er…
THOR: Eons from now, MINSTRALS shall SING of the mighty Thor’s GLORIOUS DISCHARGE!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: You don’t have to tell us all that, Thor. It’s not necessary, really.
SCARLET WITCH: Cap’s right, Thor. Please don’t feel you have to confide in us, honestly.
IRON MAN: Um, I’d better go warm up the Quinjet.
Yes. Definitely. Bye!
Iron Man flies out of the room toward the Quinjet
Hangar Bay, as Wanda and Cap look on enviously…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Er…I should go see if Iron Man needs
Wanda kicks Cap sharply in the shin…
SCARLET WITCH: Cap, I think you mean we BOTH should
go see if Iron Man needs help, right?
THOR: YEA, verily, I couldst DROWN a YAK!
Thor looks around and realizes he is alone in the
THOR: HEIMDALL’S EYES! My fellow Avengers have taken
LEAVE of me! Wise are they, to realize that the
upcoming struggle is for GODS and GODS ALONE! So
speaks the SCION of the REALM ETERNAL!
Moments later, Thor is in the sumptuous Avengers
restroom, at the special urinal designed for oversized
THOR: * chuckle * Friend Hercules! E’er is it his
LOT to assuage his prodigious THIRST, and yet always,
when comes the new morn, is it THOR’s lot to empty his
Moments later, Jarvis is at the side of the fallen
Thunder God, who lies on the restroom floor, gasping
and clutching at his groin…
JARVIS: Master Thor! I’ve summoned the Avengers back
from the Hangar Bay…speak to me, sir! Are you all
right? What caused you to cry out so?
THOR: NE’ER hath such a PAIN been felt by an
ASGARDIAN! Thor is DEFEATED! His agony is TOO GREAT!
It is NOT TO BE BORNE!!
Captain America, Iron Man and Wanda burst into the
room, fearing the worst for their fallen comerade…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: THOR! Good God, man! What HAPPENED?
Was it ULTRON? Was it LOKI? Were you sabotaged?
THOR: ( Clenching his teeth in unbearable
pain…) I say thee NAY! Rather, ’tis a THROBBING
in Thor’s NETHER REGIONS!! Gods curse me, it HURTS
when Thor PEES!!! I am drained, yet STILL doth the
PAIN GO ON! Oh, my LIEGE and FATHER, OMNIPOTENT ODIN!
Release thy SON from this wretched ow ow
SCARLET WITCH: Huh. I always thought…well, he’s
THOR, you know? I guess I just figured he’d be…well,
more godlike down there. Funny how you just sort of
make these kind of suppositions, and then when reality
hits you, you find out how WRONG you…
CAPTAIN AMERICA: That’s ENOUGH, Wanda! Can’t you see
he’s been hit with some sort of insidious energy beam
IRON MAN: Um…I don’t think so, Cap.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: What do you mean, Iron Man?
IRON MAN: Well, I mean, he WAS having sex with the
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (Stroking chin thoughtfully…)
Sex?…Oh, yes, I’ve heard of that. Nick Fury loaned me
a book once. But how could that possibly…
THOR: (Doubled over in pain…) By my FATHER’S
BEARD!! The PAAAIIINNNN!!!! ‘Tis CLEAR that WASHING
was’t MUCH NEEDED after our godly TRYSTING!
JARVIS: Perhaps an ice pack? Or some of those
crustless sandwiches you like, Master Thor? Back in a
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Thor? It’s ME, Captain America!
Can’t you just…you know, sort of WALK it off? Is it
like a charly horse? Those can really sting, I know,
but how about being a good soldier, so we can all go
fight Ultron and save the planet?
IRON MAN: Cap, I used to drink. I don’t mean a
little…I mean a LOT. And I often woke up with girls
who make WANDA look like a nun.
SCARLET WITCH : (Annoyed…) HEY!!
IRON MAN: ..And I’d say he’s got an STD. Gonorrhea, probably.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: And that’s bad, right? It’s nothing
that can be cured with pushups and fiber?
SCARLET WITCH: Well, actually, no. It’s treated with
antibiotics, such as ciprofloxacin, ofloxacin, or
azithromycin. Or, um…so I’ve heard.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Wow. An STD, you say? This sounds
like a menace the Avengers should look into, but for
right now, we need to get to midtown immediately and
STOP ULTRON! We’ll just have to go without Thor, and
hope that this horrible Gonorrhea fellow doesn’t
attack him again until we get back. SIT TIGHT,
Avenger! We WILL come back for you, after the deadly
android threat to the planet is neutralized for the
JARVIS: (Re-entering the restroom with an ice
pack, weeping…) I’m…I’m afraid I have some bad
news. It appears that Firestar and Justice arrived at
Ultron’s location as you requested, sir, and Ultron
has killed them both…!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Oh, GREAT. That’s just TYPICAL.
Could this day GET any worse?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: I blame myself. Leading the Avengers
isn’t an easy task, and I’ve seen too many of my
bravest friends commit the ultimate sacrifice for the
good of their fellow man. But it is a task I proudly
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (Annoyed at the interruption…)
AS I WAS SAYING…!!! It’s a task I accept proudly,
because being an Avenger isn’t ABOUT glory, or taking
the easy way out. It’s about HONOR. And DISCIPLINE.
And SACRIFICE. Oh, I know those words aren’t popular
today, but dadblast it, they still MEAN something. And
I, for one, refuse to forget, even for a mo…
SCARLET WITCH: Eww! Look at THAT! Is it SUPPOSED to be turning that color?
IRON MAN: Urk! Good LORD!
CAPTAIN AMERICA: (Looks at Thor…shudders…) Er,
Thor, old buddy…I think maybe we’d better get you to a
hospital. Like NOW. Unless you dropped a pickle!
NEXT MONTH: EARTH’S MIGHTIEST HEROES GIVE THE MEN’S RESTROOM A GOOD SCRUBBING, AVENGERS-STYLE! PLUS, A LOT MORE WORD BALLOONS! DON’T MISS IT, OR WE’LL BRING BACK MOONDRAGON AND DARKHAWK!
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the following information.
Batman and all related characters are TM & © DC Comics. All Rights Reserved.
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