NEW YORK CITY,
THE MANSION FORMERLY BELONGING TO WESLEY DODDS,
NOW HEADQUARTERS OF THE JUSTICE SOCIETY OF AMERICA
Black Canary and the new Star-Spangled Kid are walking together through the sumptuous former home of the Golden Age Sandman…
STAR-SPANGLED KID: I really, REALLY appreciate this, Black Canary. I mean, it's TOTALLY an honor to get to work with the JSA and all.
BLACK CANARY: Courtney, listen…I think there's something we should talk about…
STAR-SPANGLED KID: Whatever you say, Dinah! Honestly, I'm just so glad to be here. The JSA is like-- it's like being part of history!And you guys aren't all stuffy and boring like my step-dad Pat…I mean, you're almost like a really kick-ass big sister or something!
BLACK CANARY: What a nice thing to say, Courtney! And you're like the kid sister I never had.I just…well, I just want to warn you about some of the members of the JSA.They're not quite how they appear on tv, I mean.
As the pair turns a corner in the hallway, they are greeted by an oddly-still figure in brown and yellow…
HOURMAN: Hello. I am Hourman, an intelligent machine colony from the year 85,271, programmed with Tyler Miraclo Geneware.
STAR-SPANGLED KID: We know, Hourman. You keep saying that. We fought the new Mist together, remember?
HOURMAN: ALSO, I drink coffee. A LOT of coffee. My friend Snapper calls it "java."
BLACK CANARY: That's great, Hourman.Uh…we have a lot to do, so goodbye.
HOURMAN: I have time vision. I'm in this group because of my genefather. Sometimes I just spout expository dialogue. I remind myself of the Vision. I'm lonely.
BLACK CANARY: Hey, you know what? I think I smell coffee coming from the kitchen!
HOURMAN: I was in the Justice Legion A. We had shiny outfits. My girlfriend wears hotpants.Goodbye.
Hourman heads off towards the kitchen…
STAR-SPANGLED KID: Brrrr! He's kind of a creepy robot guy, isn't he?
BLACK CANARY: Not so much in his own book…hey, come on down to the Museum, and I'll introduce you to the guys I was telling you about. Now, don't be alarmed, all right?It's just that, well…some of the guys aren't as young as they used to be…
STAR-SPANGLED KID: What's the big deal?So they have some wrinkles and grey hair. They're still the JUSTICE SOCIETY!
Just then, Sentinel bursts through the Museum doorway into the hall, momentarily surprisingBlack Canary and the Star-Spangled Kid …
SENTINEL: EMERGENCY!FULL ALERT! BATTLE STATIONS!
FLASH: What IS it, Alan?
SENTINEL: SABOTEURS!It's an AMBUSH! It's like Pearl Harbor all over again!
WILDCAT: (Rubbing eyes…pants unzipped…) Hey…! I was takin' a NAP!What's all the RACKET?
SENTINEL: Someone's stolen my TEEF!!! (Grins, showinga mouthful of empty gums…)
WILDCAT: Oh, you're ALWAYS sayin' someone stole your teeth! Last week, you said Vandal Savage ate all your Vienna Sausages!
FLASH: (Looking at Wildcat's zipper…) Speaking of Vienna Sausages, Wildcat…
WILDCAT: (Embarrassed, zips up quickly) Heh.. The ol' scratchin' post was showin'…sorry, ladies!
STAR-SPANGLED KID: Good god! They're…ANCIENT! They're like mummies!
BLACK CANARY: I know they're creepy, Courtney, but they saved America's ass in the forties. Try to be nice, okay?
STAR-SPANGLED KID: The Flash has WRINKLES on his WRINKLES! And I accidentally saw Wildcat's rusty old THING! I'm gonna spew, I know it! URGH!
SENTINEL: I want Jell-O!GREEN Jell-O!
FLASH: Oh, yeah, you ALWAYS want Jell-O when you lose your teeth. I'm SICK of Jell-O! I want a steak! Hot diggety, steak for me!
SENTINEL: All right, STEAK JELL-O! (Makes a set of glowing green dentures for himself… Hey, look at me! Chomp chomp chomp! I'm HANDSOME again!
WILDCAT: (To Canary and Courtney…) Mind you, if either o' you ladies is interested, I could always let the cat out of the bag again, if you know what I mean…? Wanna make the ol' Tom Cat purr?
BLACK CANARY: Ted! Courtney here is just a KID!Put that shriveled old thing away and KEEP it there!
STAR-SPANGLED KID: I SAW IT AGAIN!Ack! Blurp!Christ, it looks like a flesh-colored prune!
FLASH: My last erection was in 1957!
SENTINEL: I'm tired.My arthritis is acting up. Someone needs to help me go to the bathroom.
WILDCAT: I used to think I had Alzheimer's, but it turns out it was just Senile Dementia. I still got seven lives left!Can you imagine being 95 years old and having seven more lives? Too bad my gun only has six bullets! I'm no damn good. (Begins weeping…)
SENTINEL: I'm making a green diaper for myself.
FLASH: I started collecting Hummel figurines back in the seventies, to help fill that void in my life.I used to run a lot more, then I got the gout and so now I mainly hop a lot. Real fast-like.
SENTINEL: Now I'm making a CLEAN green diaper for myself.
WILDCAT: Hey, remember that time we fought the Red Skull? We KICKED his ASS!
SENTINEL: I don't remember fighting the Red Skull.
WILDCAT: Who was that guy that we fought who was all yellow and a Nazi?
FLASH: That was Baron Blitzkrieg, Ted.
WILDCAT: Well, then who fought the Red Skull?
SENTINEL: Ouch! I just fell down!
FLASH: I think that was the Invaders, Wildcat.
WILDCAT: Oh, yeah!The INVADERS! Hey, remember that time when we fought the Red Skull?
FLASH: Yeah, that was GREAT!
SENTINEL: I think I BROKE my HIP! OWWW!
WILDCAT: Yeah, boy, I tell ya…It was great to be an Invader back then.
FLASH: We kicked the Red Skull's ASS!
SENTINEL: It really HURTS. I'm now making yet ANOTHER clean green diaper!
WILDCAT: Hey! Remember that time I fought Mike Tyson and bit off his ear?
WILDCAT: I kicked his ASS! Remember that time when I wrote the Constitution?
FLASH: You kicked the Constitution's ASS!
SENTINEL: I can't feel anything below my hip.Is that normal? My son is a super-villain and my daughter never calls me.
FLASH: Hey, Wildcat, remember that time you showed Black Canary and Star-Spangled Kid your petrified Johnson?
WILDCAT: You kiddin'? That's a precious memory for me! Most action I've seen in years! Remember that time when you ASKED me about that time I showed Black Tornado and Star-Spangled Hawkgirl my liver-spotted trouser-snake?
SENTINEL: I'm giving up on this diaper thing. I'll just hire a maid.
STAR-SPANGLED KID: Um…I can't stay here. I mean, I forgot! I have an offer from theYoung Titans or Teen Justice or something.
BLACK CANARY: Oh, honey…they're not so bad once you get used to them!
SENTINEL: My bottom is sore. What time is Little Orphan Annie on?
STAR-SPANGLED KID: YUCK! Oh, GROSS!I'm OUTTA here!
Courtney runs out of the mansion…
BLACK CANARY: Oh, GREAT. ANOTHER promising young hero quits because YOU THREE can't keep your ACT TOGETHER long enough to keep from SCARING them!
WILDCAT: (Pulling down his pants and prancing around…) FREE WILLIE! FREE WILLIE! I AM THE GREATEST!
FLASH: Remember when I was the only Flash? There's like THIRTY Flashes now, and GOD how I hate them!
SENTINEL: I don't remember where I live!
BLACK CANARY: (Sadly unraveling a firehose from the wall…) If you guys are going to ACT like babies, then you get the hose!
…AND SO, WE CLOSE THE BOOK ON ANOTHER CHAPTER IN THE STORY OF THE GREATEST HEROES OF FIVE DECADES AGO…LET'S NEVER FORGET TO GIVE THESE CHARACTERS THE RESPECT AND MEDICATION THEY SO RICHLY DESERVE, FOR THEY WERE THE ORIGINALS, AND WITHOUT THEM, WE WOULDN'T HAVE THIS CONSTANT NONSENSE ABOUT THEM BEING UNNATURALLY YOUTHFUL ALL THE TIME.FIGHT ON, BRAVE SOLDIERS! WITH EVERYLAST TINY SHRED OF COHERENCE, FIGHT ON!
Gail collaborates with Eagle-nominee Daniel Merlin Goodbrey on a special short YABS, parodying every issue of Frank Miller's SIN CITY to date!
THE BIG YELLOW RED DAME TO DIE FOR BASTARD
Artwork by Daniel Merlin Goodbrey. Visit www.e-merl.com.