DANNY: I don’t know, man. I just don’t like school. I’d rather just hang, man. Get high, mess around. I don’t wanna be told what to do, man.
T-ROCK: I don’t care about people. I’ll rob you. And I’ll hurt you, if I can. I don’t care.
TAO: S’like, if I wanna do somethin’, I do it. Ain’t nobody gonna stop me, you know what I’m sayin’? And it ain’t like I ain’t down widdit just cause I’m a girl, awright? I kick your ASS, yo. You mild, man. Cut you up, *****!
JORDAN: See, I know I have to go through the program as a condition to avoid incarceration and that, so I’ll go listen to the losers, right? But that don’t mean I’m LISTENING, dog.
CRATER LAKE CORRECTIONAL FACILITY: As part of a satellite branch of the “Scared Straight” program first instituted at Rahway East Jersey State Prison, four youthful offenders have received a deferment against various criminal charges (ranging from drug offenses to assault with a deadly weapon) based upon their participation in the program. The youths will take a two-hour tour of the facility, and will participate in an “encounter group” with prisoners who volunteer for the duty.
GUARD: All right, boys and girls. Welcome to Hell. This here’s the C.L.C. Maximum Security Holding Facility, home of the dregs of society. They been DYING to meet you. Step through this door and sit on the ORANGE seats. Do NOT sit on the BLUE seats. Disobeying a guard OR an inmate gets you an early seat on the bus and a report of non-compliance to your case worker. Are we clear on that? All right, step through this door, and kids…have a nice day, hear?
RAHIM: Hey, boy. Hey, whatchu doin’ wearin’ my shoes, man?
RAHIM: My SHOES. You wearin’ my SHOES, *****! Get ’em OFF!
INMATES: GIVE IT UP! GIVE IT UP!
Danny sits down to take off his shoes…
RAHIM: DON’T YOU SIDDOWN IN MY PRESENCE, PUNK! You ************* PUNK! I TELL YOU WHEN YOU CAN SIDDOWN, *****! ******* *****! GET OFF YOUR ASS RIGHT NOW, I MEAN NOW ************! And don’t you keep EYBALLING me, boy! I’ll take one of you pretty blue eyes OUT, ************! Make you EAT it! NOW give me my SHOES, boy!
As Danny struggles to remove his high-tops while standing erect, one of the inmates, Steven, points at a giggling Tao…
STEVEN: Hey, man! Hey, RAHIM! ***** is LAUGHIN’ at you! He thinks you FUNNY, man!
RAHIM: You STUPID *****! Think this is all a JOKE? You here for TWO HOURS, ****! We here for LIFE, ***********!
STEVEN: Hey, Rahim, man! I give you a carton of smokes for him!
RAHIM: Nah, man, I keep this one for MYSELF. See, you dumb-ass ************ kids think you ain’t NEVER gonna end up here, but you WRONG, see? And then, we OWN you. You PROPERTY. All right, *****. You hold my shirt. When we walk the yard, you hold my shirt and walk behind me. That means you MY *****, see?
Rahim turns his attention to Tao…
RAHIM; What’s that? You CRYIN’, girlie? They ain’t no CRYIN’ here, *****! We ain’t even BEGUN to show you your future, ************! World’s a DARK ************!
TAO (Sobbing…): …I wanna go HOME!
RAHIM: Oh, man, you BELIEVE this ****? Cryin’ like a baby. Yeah, you one tough *****, ain’t ya? Well, listen, alla you, cause my brother DD is gonna come talk to you and tell you whose HOUSE you in, alla you *************! You show this man his respect, **************!
DR. DOOM: I EXTEND MY GRATITUDE TOWARDS YOU, RAHIM! NOW SHALL YOU YOUTHS TREMBLE BEFORE THE FEAFUL SIGHT OF DOOM!
INMATES: Tha’s RIGHT!
DR. DOOM: YOU! THE CALLOW YOUTH WITH THE “SNOOP DOGGY DOGG” SHIRT! REMOVE THAT GARMENT! IT IS NOW DOOM’S!!
T-ROCK: Man, I ain’t givin’ you my shir…
DR. DOOM: SILENCE! DARE YOU DENY THE COMMAND OF THE MONARCH OF ALL LATVERIA? BE GLAD THAT I DON’T INVADE YOUR HOMELAND, YOU INSIGNIFICANT CUR!
STEVEN: Tell it, brother!
RAHIM: INVADE his punk-ass homeland!
DR. DOOM: DID DOOM GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO SPEAK, WORM?
DANNY: Well, I guess not…I mean, nossir!
DR. DOOM: HOLD DOOM’S CLOAK! THIS, AS DOOM HAS COME TO UNDERSTAND, INDICATES THAT YOU ARE NOW DOOM’S *****!
STEVEN: Hey! I’ll give ya TWO CARTONS of smokes for him!
DR. DOOM: TWO CARTONS? IN LATVERIA, DOOM HAS AN UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF CARTONS, MISCREANT! DO YOU ATTEMPT TO CHEAT DOOM OF HIS RIGHTFUL DUE?
RAHIM: I’ll give ya THREE cartons, man!
DR. DOOM: GO, YOUNG MAN! YOU NOW BELONG TO RAHIM, AND DOOM IS THE RECIPIENT OF THREE CARTONS OF SMOKES! ADVANTAGE? DOOM!
Danny tearfully walks over to Rahim, and holds the bottom of his shirt…
DR. DOOM: CHILDREN, LET US “KEEP IT REAL.” DO NOT THINK THAT DOOM IS WITHOUT PITY. ONCE, NOT SO VERY LONG AGO, DOOM WAS JUST LIKE YOU, AN AIMLESS YOUTH AND THE LEADER OF A SMALL EUROPEAN COUNTRY BORDERING ROMANIA, FORMERLY KNOWN AS TRANSYLVANIA, PRIMARILY EXPORTING MINERAL RIGHTS AND TERRORISM. LIKE YOU, I WAS ALSO FOOLISH, FOR I BELIEVED I WOULD NEVER BE APPREHENDED! SUCH WAS THE EGO OF DOOM!
DR. DOOM: LIKE YOU, I CHOSE AN ARCH-NEMESIS, AND OUR GRAND STRUGGLE ECHOED THROUGHOUT BOTH TIME AND SPACE! AND JUST LIKE YOU, DOOM ALSO INVENTED MIRACULOUS TECHNOLOGICAL MARVELS TO SLAKE HIS THIRST FOR BLOOD-VENGEANCE!
DANNY: Man, I’m in here for smashing a Gap window.
DR. DOOM: …BUT FATE INTERCEDED ON BEHALF OF THE CURSED FANTASTIC FOUR AGAIN AND AGAIN! I THOUGHT MYSELF POWERFUL, BUT MY FIRST NIGHT HERE, RAHIM MADE ME HIS *****! NOW, DOOM, WOULD-BE RULER OF THE UNIVERSE, IS ONLY SAVED FROM NIGHTLY SAVAGINGS BY THE PROTECTION OF RAHIM!
RAHIM: S’true! S’all true!
DR. DOOM: AND THAT IS NOT THE END OF MY INDIGNITIES! THIS MONTH, DOOM IS ON KITCHEN DUTY, AND IS FORCED TO MAKE FRITTERS FOR 600 PRISONERS! DOOM DOES NOT EVEN LIKE FRITTERS!
INMATES: We LIKE fritters!
TAO: Man, I was scared before, with that other guy, but who THIS idiot?
T-ROCK: I know! I was ’bout to go straight, but this guy just a big FOOL!
DR. DOOM: HOLD YOUR TONGUE! DO YOU THINK TO MOCK VICTOR VON DOOM? THE GREATEST SCIENTIFIC MIND THE WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN?
DR. DOOM: “WELL…” WHAT, INSOLENT PUP?
JORDAN: I mean, well, there’s Reed Richards to consider…
DR. DOOM: “REED RICH…”?!?! THE MAN IS A BUFFOON!
TAO: Yeah, and that wheelchair guy, he’s real smart. The unified theory guy, you know?
JORDAN: You mean Stephen Hawking. Yeah, he’s really smart.
T-ROCK: You know who else is smart? Tony Stark. That guy can invent anything!
RAHIM: My uncle invented Pop Rocks, man. And he gets EVERY Jeopardy question, like THAT!
DANNY: Wow, really? Pop Rocks? Awesome!
DR. DOOM: WHAT? “POP ROCKS?” WHY, JUST THIS MORNING DOOM INVENTED A NEGATIVE-SPACE QUANTIFIER OUT OF A SHARPENED SPOON AND A SHOWERHEAD NOZZLE!
TAO (To Rahim…): Dude, if you uncle so smart, how come you in here?
DR. DOOM: I FIXED THE JUICER IN THE KITCHEN WITH SOME PAPER CLIPS AND A SOCK!
DANNY: Yawn, dude!
STEVEN: Man, I thought you MURDERED some guys?
RAHIM: No, I just didn’t want to pay taxes.
DR. DOOM: ONLY DOOM IS INGENIOUS ENOUGH TO HAVE TAUGHT A RAT TO JUMP THROUGH A HOOP! COME, MR. WHISKERS! JUMP! JUMP! SO COMMANDS DOOM! JUUUUMMMPP!!
Six months later…
DANNY: Yeah, I mean, I guess it was sort of a turning point for me. I certainly didn’t want to be eating fritters all the time. So, you know, I started getting straight. I miss my old friends, but, I’d rather be OUTside than Inside. Rahim got me a job at his Uncle’s Pop Rocks factory. Ain’t much green, but no jail for me, man.
T-ROCK: I didn’t understand that shiny guy. But, anyway, I decided to stop wasting time, and it turns out I have this really good eye for fashion, and I’ve been doing some runway stuff. My fall collection is being covered on E. Plus, I was briefly Editor in Chief of Marvel Comics.
TAO: I got busted for Shoplifting and had to go back. Some guy named Loki spat on me and said “thou had best get wise,” or somethin’ like that. Same ol ****, man.
JORDAN: I’ve decided to become a supervillain! It doesn’t seem like such a bad life, really. Cool clothes, lots of respect from the neighborhood, and you KNOW the bad guys get WAY more girls than the good guys. I used to rob liquor stores, but I got this plan to turn Fort Knox invisible, and I think it’s just really gonna be cool. Me and my best friend Larry got these cool costumes we made. It’s gonna be awesome. Jail don’t seem so bad, anyway. Dr. Doom’s got like, fifty women writing all the time, wanting to marry him. I think he’s starting to LIKE jail, really. So, yeah, I guess, all in all, you could say it was a positive learning experience.
Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
Dr. Doom and all related characters are ™ & © Marvel Comics. All Rights Reserved.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.
- Ad Free Browsing
- Over 10,000 Videos!
- All in 1 Access
- Join For Free!