XAVIER: Thank you all for coming. I realize that morale is a bit low right now, and this is why I’ve asked you all here this fine Saturday morning. I’ve invited a guest speaker whom some of you may be aware of from her popular radio program. She has graciously agreed to discuss issues of great importance to mutantkind, and I ask that you all warmly join me in welcoming Dr. Laura to our humble Academy.
STORM: Professor, with all due respect, is this really necessary?
XAVIER: Please, Ororo…indulge me, and hear the good doctor out, yes?
CYCLOPS: But surely we could have a different…Professor, have you even HEARD her show?
XAVIER: Now, Scott…you’re being rude to our guest.
WOLVERINE: I ain’t got time for this, Chuck.
XAVIER: I’m afraid I really must insist that you ALL stay, Logan. I’m concerned for the welfare of all my students, and with all the recent upheaval, I feel it’s in your best interests to speak, to share your emotions and experiences, with a specialist.
DR. LAURA: Hello, I’m Dr. Laura, I am my kid’s mom…
WOLVERINE: Huh. I don’t recognize her scent, but I swear I seen her somewhere…
DR. LAURA: ExCUSE me, Little Mister. I believe I have the floor? Do you have anything so urgently important to say that you need to interrupt the Doctor? I saw your movie, Mr. Claw Man.
WOLVERINE: …I was just saying…
DR. LAURA: Blah, blah, blah, I was just saying, is that your excuse? Is that the excuse you’ve used your whole life? Well, maybe when you grow up and learn to shave and put on a tie instead of a black leather suit you’ll have something to say that might be worth listening to.
DR. LAURA: Well?
WOLVERINE: Uh, sorry. Sorry.
DR. LAURA: Yes, you are. Next caller.
XAVIER: Excuse me, Doctor, but, you’ll recall that you’re actually giving a lecture, not taping your radio show…?
DR. LAURA: Yes, I remember, do YOU remember?
XAVIER: Excuse me?
DR. LAURA: Yes or no? Do YOU remember?
XAVIER: Well, yes. Yes, of course!
DR. LAURA: Don’t try to play on my sympathy. If you lived righteously, you wouldn’t be a cripple.
ROGUE: That’s a HORRIBLE thing to say!
DR. LAURA: What do YOU know, little missy? I’m a DOCTOR, understand? Do they teach ENGLISH in this school?
CYCLOPS: But you’re not even a medical doctor!
DR. LAURA: Excuse me, but I don’t talk to deviants. Stop hanging out in bathhouses and then read my book. Until then, NOT ONE CENT of my money goes to AIDS research.
STORM: Cyclops is NOT a deviant, Dr. Laura!
DR. LAURA: I never said he was.
ROGUE: But you just said…
DR. LAURA: I was misquoted. Sometimes, things I say in a clinical context are misinterpreted by the liberal media for their own sick agenda, you little slut.
ROGUE: What? But I…I’ve never…!
DR. LAURA: You don’t have a father, so you think hopping in and out of beds with dozens of freakboys is the next best thing, right? You sicken me.
WOLVERINE: I can’t…can’t place her…dammit, where have I seen her before?
CYCLOPS: Professor, how long are you going to let this woman speak to us like this?
XAVIER: Patience, Scott. I, for one, find a lot of merit in the Doctor’s words.
CYCLOPS: You can’t be serious! She’s AWFUL!
DR. LAURA: If that girl were MY daughter, I’d probably put her up for adoption. She just doesn’t get it. When she makes her marriage vows and her husband is out having sex with Mystique, let’s see if she thinks that this philosophy works. She should be sacrificed, Inca style.
Rogue begins crying, and Storm moves to comfort her…
DR. LAURA: Oh, don’t try those crocodile tears on me. If you’d been right with God, you wouldn’t have been born a girl. You people all need to read my New York Times Bestseller, 10 Stupid Things People Do With Their Genetic Code.
ORORO: I believe we’ve heard enough.
DR. LAURA: Oh, by all means, When the fire gets too hot for you, you ALWAYS leave, don’t you? When the light of truth is on your head, then you just WALK AWAY, right? “Oh, everyone should feel sorry for me, since I was born a disgusting repulsive genetic freak…oh, poor little me, oh, everyone cry, waah, waah, waah!” You’re a coward. I say this with a heart full of compassion and love, you repugnant creature.
CYCLOPS: I think you had better go, Doctor.
DR. LAURA: It says in the Talmud, “Thou Best Not Havest Eyes That Shoot Laser Beams.” What is WRONG with America that you don’t KNOW that? Your PARENTS knew it!
WOLVERINE: Hey! I remember now! I saw her on the internet, only she didn’t have no CLOTHES on!
DR. LAURA: Those pictures were faked. They’re not me. I’m a prophet. I never said I was divine. They’re not me. They’re my property. I never met that man. I certainly didn’t have an affair with him while he was married, cause the end of his marriage, live in sin with him for years, become pregnant with his child before marriage and then not speak to my mother or sister for fifteen years all the while becoming popular misrepresenting myself as a medical doctor and berating people with esteem so poor they think I give a shit about them…Crap. Scratch that last sentence.
WOLVERINE: Yep, that’s her all right. You can tell when she raises her arms over her head…
DR. LAURA: I can cure all of you people right now. Just read my New York Times Bestselling Book, Quit Being Who You Are. I Mean It.
CYCLOPS: Storm, please take Rogue out of here. Professor, I’m very disappointed in you. This woman is the exact opposite of what we’ve always stood for and now I’m leaving as well. Goodbye.
DR. LAURA: Maybe if you stopped being mutated, people would stop persecuting you all the time. Am I the only one who GETS this?
WOLVERINE: Talks a lot, don’t she, Chuck?
XAVIER: That she does.
DR. LAURA: The children need to be protected! That’s PRIORITY ONE! So go get that girl with the slutty white streak in her hair and bring her back so I can yell at her some more. You people are misquoting me. I never said that thing I just said. It hurts to be misrepresented with such vitriol. Quit being a doormat! I’m far more Jewish than you.
XAVIER: Logan, do you think that…a man like me, and a woman like her…?
WOLVERINE: Yer kiddin’.
XAVIER: * sigh! *
WOLVERINE: You got me worried, here, Chuck.
XAVIER: Oh, I admit, at first, I was repelled by her incessant, hateful screeching, and her lack of fashion sense, but…well, to be frank, I’ve come to appreciate her more each day, and now I’m afraid I’m quite infatuated.
DR. LAURA: I get dozens of faxes every week from mutants who say that being mutated is a lifestyle choice and thanking me for calling them abominations! Quit being a dummy! Buy my book! Buy my Hasbro game!
WOLVERINE: You’re really stuck on her, huh?
XAVIER: Yes. I’m afraid it’s hopeless. I can’t imagine life without her. All my life, Logan, I’ve tried to be a man of conscience. And yet, now, all I dream about is her eternal badgering. All I can envision is spending each morning waking up to her squealing, intolerant voice.
WOLVERINE: So, you want me to kill you, right?
XAVIER: Oh, yes, please!
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X-Men and all related characters are ™ & © Marvel Comics. All Rights Reserved.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.
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