LOLA: Yes, it's another HOT ONE here in Jerusalem, wouldn't you say, Dave?
DAVE: I sure would, Lola! With temperatures in the upper 90's, and no sign of rainfall anytime soon, and the Romans still having conquered our people, I'd say it'll be a LONG time before any of US learn to snowshoe!
LOLA: Ha, ha! Good one, Dave! SPEAKING of "hot", we now take you live to another section of the market square, where Commissioner Jordan is settling a dispute regarding a man and his neighbor's ass. Let's see if we can ask a few questions-Commissioner, Commissioner! Lola Barsabas, Town Crier News? About this Jesus individual, can you confirm or deny that He is in fact the Anointed One?
COMMISSIONER JORDAN: Get that clay tablet and pointed stick out of my face or I'll have you beaten, harlot.
LOLA: And there you have it, Dave. Embattled and controversial figure Jordan once again makes his contempt for the media plain. However, one can't help but ask…where IS the man that's causing such consternation? Is Jesus of Nazareth in Jerusalem at all? Well, this reporter hopes He's having a celebratory drink in the company of friends. Next up, we have man with a gout in the shape of Augustus Caesar's head, and some TERRIFIC flatbread recipes!
COMMISSIONER JORDAN: Good wine.
JESUS: I was out of wine…this was well water this morning.
COMMISSIONER JORDAN: Seems a waste of a good miracle.
JESUS: Why did you come here, Jordan?
COMMISSIONER JORDAN: Just this. You've been a good friend and things have been…quiet. I like quiet. The ROMANS like quiet--especially after what happened to John…
JESUS: John was a good baptist. He honored my Father.
COMMISSIONER JORDAN: I'm just saying be careful, is all. You're making enemies that make King Herod look like a gnat in the desert.
Jordan is a good man in a bad job. He believes I can be safe if I strike myself mute. I cannot. Ever since that day that Three Wise Men were thrown through my manger window…
CENTURION ROB: C'mon, man, sermonize!
CENTURION DON: Figure you gots a sermon for us, Jesus! My mon Christ don't shiv!
CENTURION ROB: Say again about the meek! That BALLS funny!
CENTURION DON: Aw, spud ain't Jesus. Spud some billy beggar, I figure.
They're just children, the Centurions these days. They laugh at me to hide their own fear. But this world is theirs.
LOLA: And we're BACK, here today to speak to the Roman High Executioner, about some EXCITING new ideas he has in the field of criminal rehabilitation. Welcome!
HIGH EXECUTIONER: A pleasure, Lola.
LOLA: Now, I understand that you're working on some truly REVOLUTIONARY new ways to deal with criminals under Roman Law…
HIGH EXECUTIONER: Not really, no.
LOLA: …It seems I've been misinformed…
HIGH EXECUTIONER: Oh, no, no…It's still pretty much the old "Nail 'Em To The Cross" for us. Yep, for good solid rehabilitation, you can't beat a cross and some nails, and you can quote me. See, it's economical, just some wood and some nails, and it's a 100% guaranteed deterrent against recidivism. Wonderful. Just wonderful. Makes going to work a JOY!
LOLA: I see…
HIGH EXECUTIONER: I love my job. It's those who LOVE THEIR WORK that are truly the most blessed, don't you think?
EXECTUTIONER'S ASSISTANT: See? THIS MAN! I mean, the DEDICATION!
HIGH EXECUTIONER: Awwwwwww…shucks!
EXECUTIONER'S ASSISTANT: No, I mean it! I mean, you'd think he'd get TIRED of scourging, after persecuting thousands on religious grounds, but not him, mate! Even when the rest of the crew is done right in, he's still there, making sure each of the condemned gets a thorough scourging. Sniff. Does my heart good.
LOLA: Forgive me, but we must now go to our new segment, "WORD ON THE STREET," wherein we take the most annoying people we can find and ask them questions and they turn out to beridiculous and overly-convenient stereotypes. Odds are we'll be using this expository device OVER and OVER til you just can't TAKE it anymore, right, Dave?
DAVE: That's right, Lola! And today's "WORD ON THE STREET" is about, you guessed it: JESUS! Is he really our savior to the Glory of God the Father? What do YOU people think?
MAN WITH GOAT: I don't think he exists. Consequently, I'm drawn to look like a goddamned idiot. Look at this…I'm eating a hot dog while talking to a reporter. A HOT DOG, for God's sake!
OTHER MAN WITH A DIFFERENT GOAT: Well, I think it's about time someone started making SENSE around here. I'm sick to DEATH of all these serpent worshipers!
SENSIBLE-LOOKING WOMAN: Well, I'm conflicted. On the one hand, I'd like to believe, but on the other hand, I don't know if I believe that whole thing with the Ark, logistically. Besides, no one's actually SEEN him in ages, right?
PETER: Shall I iron your loincloth, Lord? Or will you be addressing the masses in your birthday suit?
JESUS: I don't have a birthday suit, Peter.
PETER: Your wit is as keen as ever, Lord. By the way, there's a woman named Mary here to see you. She appears to be a roller-blading ninja prostitute. A friend of that Mary Magdelene woman, I'm sure.
JESUS: Write her a check, bathe her feet, usual routine. I have somewhere I have to be.
JESUS: Green Arrow! What are YOU doing here?
OLIVER QUEEN: An inexplicable and cryptic cameo, apparently. Goddamn Imperialist Running Dog Roman Lackeys!
CENTURION ROB: Figure it IS him! Licken Chegs, my mon Jesus!
CENTURION DON: I figure you ain't ALL bright. Jesus be billy. Pontius Pilate don't shiv!
CENTURION ROB: Don't understand you talk, Don! Real coo! Don't figure! Shiv billy figure spud!
JESUS: You two don't get it. This isn't a mudhole. It's an operating table. And I'm the healer.
Something tells me to stop with the parable. I don't listen to it.
The water on my head feels like a baptism. Because it is. I'm born again.Again.
PONTIUS PILATE: That Jesus, he nasty!
CENTURION ROB: Hope Pontius Pilate don't say BALLS nasty!
PONTIUS PILATE: BALLS nasty!
CENTURION ROB: Shhhh! Figure it time to ask!
PONTIUS PILATE: HEY YOU SPUDS! WHO YOU WANT, BARABAS OR JESUS CALLED CHRIST?
MULTITUDE: WE WANT BARABBAS!
PONTIUS PILATE: Figure my hands clean. Procuator of Judea don't billy!
I hit the ground hard, unsure of what brought me down. I have to know. He has your style, Judas, and your guts…Then it hits me. Crossbeam has to be-the weight hits me like a freight train-This won't be a good death. But I'll be back.
| Special Yabs thanks to Ty Templeton for this incredible cover -- we suggest you buy everything he works on. Thanks also for fact-checking from T.Y.N.N.E., Stoney, Yo Go Re, and Willie! Thanks, guys! |
Planetary and all related characters are ™ & © Wildstorm Productions. All Rights Reserved.You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.