Via The Carrier’s Holographic Communications Display
CHRISTINE: …repeat, the object is clearly BOUND FOR EARTH. It is humanoid in shape, good God have mercy on us all. I’ve had the Secret Service bash down the door of every Geophysicist in North America and drag them down here in their underwear. One just pissed himself. Most are begging to be allowed to go home to meet the end with their families, but they all say the same thing–If you can’t stop that thing, Earth never sees another daylight. I’ve sent the Gen 13 kids, but frankly, half that group can’t find their own asses with both hands.
SWIFT: We’ll do what we can. Any surmise towards a point of impact?
CHRISTINE: Preliminary data, which I’ve been assured is accurate, says China.
ENGINEER: What REGION of China, Christine?
CHRISTINE: CHINA, Angie. When that thing hits, it hits CHINA. And a big Goddamn chunk of the Pacific Ocean, as well.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: Suggestions. FAST. Reports indicate that the mass is accelerating.
MIDNIGHTER: We’re not too popular in China right now. Tibet, remember?
JACK HAWKSMOOR: I doubt they’ll stop to check our passports when they’re half-an-hour away from being the country with the world’s largest population of flat people.
APOLLO: Can the Carrier open a Door, for the mass to pass through…?
ENGINEER: Negative, Apollo. No sensors on Earth have been able to accurately gauge the scope of this thing, due to its speed and seemingly amorphous nature. Even the carrier is having a hard time delivering accurate estimations. It’s just too large. We MIGHT be able to use the carrier to evacuate…
MIDNIGHTER: Evacuate a continent, with a population of well over a billion, in half an hour, Angie? Do you hear how idioticthat sounds?
ENGINEER: Well, I don’t know what to do. I’m just making suggestions…
SWIFT: All right, let’s don’t start bitching at each other. We can’t fall apart just because Jenny’s gone. I’ve got an estimate of the mass’s size from the Carrier’s sensors…take a look.
THE DOCTOR: We’re done for.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: ….It’s God, isn’t it, Shen?
SWIFT: No. It’s God’s big brother.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: Apollo, how much longer until you reach the impact zone?
APOLLO: Allowing for the Coriolis Effect, about 47 seconds, Jack.
SWIFT: Apollo? It’s Shen, here. We’ve sent the Doctor on to what we HOPE will be a safe area, but the shock wave-we have no way to guess what it’s going to be like. Midnighter went with him. We couldn’t stop him. I’m sorry.
APOLLO: He can be stubborn. This I knew already.
SWIFT: Can you see the mass, Apollo?
APOLLO: It’s…it’s hard to tell. I definitely see SOMETHING. At first I thought it was a weather phenomenon. Whatever it is…it stretches beyond the limits of my vision in both directions. I can’t tell if it’s breeched the lower atmosphere yet.
SWIFT: It’s like the worst dream of the world…we just got word that an astronomer in Washington state has positively verified that the mass’s gravitational pull has affected the orbit of the moon. We’re looking at a terrestrial-wide disaster at this point, and the thing hasn’t even hit the Earth yet.
APOLLO: We’ll have to worry about that later, Shen. Those people down there-how do we save them?
MIDNIGHTER: You know, if there’s one thing I hate, it’s looters.
CHINESE FAMILY: Ni hao!
THE DOCTOR: I think the dialect here is Mandarin, Midnighter.
MIDNIGHTER: Put the food back where you got it, all of you, or face the consequences.
CHINESE FAMILY: Hen gao-xing neng ren shi-ni!
THE DOCTOR: I’m pretty sure they don’t speak English.
MIDNIGHTER: All right, gentlemen. You’re dead now, I’m afraid.
THE DOCTOR: I don’t think they’re looters-I think this is actually their house.
POW! SNAP! BREAK! HIT!
THE DOCTOR: EWWWW! GROSS! EWWWW!!
APOLLO: I have visual. It’s enormous. It’s…it’s indescribable. It’s just a huge smooth mass, with some sort of hard case or carapace on top. It dwarfs everything-EVERYTHING. It’s definitely impacted the surface. I can see the shockwave extending in every direction. It’s like a thousand Nagasakis.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: Apollo, we’re about to use a Door to get to you. Can you give us any more information on the object?
APOLLO: I’m trying…the SCALE of it is mind-boggling. I can just make out that it’s connected to the larger mass…wait. No. No, that can’t be right.
ENGINEER: What are you seeing, Apollo?
APOLLO: I think…I think it’s a TOE. Repeat, the mass is a BIG TOE.
THE DOCTOR: What are you griping about? I saved us from the shockwave, didn’t I?
MIDNIGHTER: You saved us from the shockwave by encasing us in a huge vagina.
THE DOCTOR: Safest place to be, my friend. You should’ve seen the look on your face! Heh heh ha snork! You big SCAREDY-CAT! HA hahahaa!
THE DOCTOR: OW! SHIT! OW!
APOLLO: I’m going in.
SWIFT: Apollo, no! You can’t handle that Toe by yourself! It’s already squashed the Chinese Army and the Stormatch reservists!
APOLLO: There’s no choice, Shen. I’m going to try to insert myself under the cuticle.
MIDNIGHTER: All right, Toe. It’s you and me, and the day I can’t handle a Toe the
MIDNIGHTER: See, I’ve already played this fight out a thousand times in my mind from every possible angle. You were beaten before you even came here. It’s a bad time to be a bastard, Toe. You may be the friggin’ King of All Toes where you come from, but this is MY planet. I’ll punch your goddamn Toe brains out.
MIDNIGHTER: Okay, so you’re a TOUGH GUY, is that it? You take my punch, and you think that’s all I’ve got, right? Well, I’m AUTHORITY, Toe. One way or another, you’re ****ED, you big stupid Big TOE!
MIDNIGHTER: You’re no lightweight, I’ll give you that. I can sense your isolation. You’ve probably gone years without having a real conversation. sniff! My God, I bet you’ve never had a proper hug. You probably never got a puppy. I bet the kids used to beat you up and call you names. I been there, Toe. sob! Poor little Toe! weep! Sad little no-puppy Toe!
ENGINEER: I’m trying to penetrate the outer dermal layer of the toe, but it seems impervious. I’m in the process of changing my matrix towards a more powerful missile-launching system. Jack, any luck communicating with the Big Toe?
JACK HAWKSMOOR: LISTEN, YOU BIG TOE. I’M THE KING OF CITIES, AND CHINA IS HOME TO SOME OF THE MOST DENSELY-POPULATED AREAS IN THE WORLD. YOU PICKED THE WRONG PLACE TO STEP ON, MY FOOTIE FRIEND!
MIDNIGHTER: JACK! JACK! BACK OFF. Listen, I tried the badass speech and it DIDN’T WORK.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: What? It didn’t work? Did you try saying that thing about how it’s a bad time to be a bastard?
MIDNIGHTER: Of COURSE I did! The God-Toe COMPLETELY ignored it. I even tried that hugging crap I pulled on Tank Man!
JACK HAWKSMOOR: My God. I just realized…we’re just a bunch of superheroes, aren’t we?
MIDNIGHTER: Without our badass banter, we’re NOTHING. What do we do? I already tried hitting it with a stick!
JACK HAWKSMOOR: I can’t believe I never saw this before…I mean, we have costumes, and code names and a hideout, and we do team-ups. Oh, GOD. We’re the DEFENDERS! We’re the OUTSIDERS!
SWIFT: Shut up, Jack! Once you lose confidence in your banter, you’re SCREWED.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: Christ, we’re the mother****ing SUPERFRIENDS. All we need is a dog in a cape! I need to sit down. I need a cigarette.
ENGINEER: So do I!
SWIFT: We ALL do!
THE DOCTOR: I need TEN cigarettes!
ENGINEER: SMOKING is COOL!
APOLLO: It’s no good, everyone. I’m blasting it with everything I have and it’s not affecting the Toe in the slightest. I’m going to get closer and try some badass banter.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: NEGATIVE, Apollo! The BANTER WON’T WORK. REPEAT, THE BANTER WON’T WORK!
APOLLO: What? The banter won’t work? How is that POSSIBLE?
MIDNIGHTER: It’s TRUE, Apollo…GET OUT OF THERE.
JACK HAWKSMOOR: PLUS, it turns out we’re all just a bunch of SUPERHEROES!
APOLLO: Don’t SAY that. Don’t you SAY that. Wait, wait..I’m seeing something. The Toe…it’s connected to something even bigger…My GOD. IT’S NOT THE BIG TOE. IT’S JUST THE PINKY TOE. IT’S JUST THE PINKY TOE!
NEXT! Two more issues talking about how incredibly HUGE the threat is, and how it’s unimaginably big, and also that it’s LARGE and WIDE-SCREEN and very very BIG! And Shen says some stuff about guys she’s done and Quantum Jenny spits up and it’s really scary cause she’s got this GLEAM in her eye, you know? And then a bit more about how really unaccountable MONSTROUSLY GIGANTIC and DANGEROUS VOLUMINOUS the threat is, and then they beat it in two panels. But right after that, AN EVEN BIGGER AND SCARIER THING!
Thanks very much to Mark Millar (BUY HIS COMICS, says Gail) and Stephen Cmelack for fact-checking this week. Also, buy The Authority…it really IS as good as they say.
Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
The Authority and all related characters are ™ & © DC/Wildstorm. All other characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.
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