Absolute ruler of the scarred planet of Apokolips DARKSEID is at the beach with his grown son, the fierce warrior ORION. They are skipping stones into the ocean.
ORION: Father…do you ever see shapes in the clouds?
DARKSEID: YES, MY SON. FOR EXAMPLE, IN THAT FORMATION, I SEE THE HOWLING AND CRYING OF HUNGER DOG INFANTS AS MY PARA-DEMONS SLAUGHTER THEIR FATHERS BEFORE THEIR VERY GAZE IN THE STREETS OF ARMAGETTO!
ORION: That’s just like you, Father. Always thinking of your work!
DARKSEID: HA HA HA HA!
People, let me tell ya ’bout Darkseid,
He’s why I look like momma took
People let me tell about him-he’s just so cruel
He’s a sad dad, he’s power-mad,
He only wants to kill me bad
People let me tell ya ’bout Darkseid
To those he opposes, it’s clearly woe betide.
People let me tell ya ’bout his Omega beams,
He’s the ruler of the Fourth World, but I don’t know what that means
Cause he’s Darkseid!
Da da, dada dada da da da!
Do woop do wow
LASHINA LIVINGSTON: Mister Orion’s Father! The Justice League is here to stop you once again!
DARKSEID: ALERT KANTO, KALIBAK, MAD HARRIET, GRANNY GOODNESS, DESAAD, AND THAT STOMPY ONE. YOU KNOW, THE ONE THAT STOMPS THINGS. STOMPINA? STOMPSTRESS? YOU KNOW WHO I MEAN! CURSE THESE KIRBY NAMES!!! DOES MY SON TRAVEL WITH THE EARTH HEROES?
ORION: Perhaps I may answer that question, Father!
DARKSEID: AH. ORION. I SEE YOU BRING YOUR COMRADES ONCE AGAIN TO TRESPASS IN MY DOMAIN.
WONDER WOMAN: Your reign of terror is at an end, monster. No longer will the Justice League stand by while you hold innocents in your iron grasp!
DARKSEID: YOU AND YOUR COMPATRIOTS HAVE NO JURISDICTION HERE, AMAZON. BEGONE, BEFORE I CALL UPON MY SUICIDE JOCKEYS!
ORION: Yes! I insist that you battle my father, Wonder Woman! Battle him most desperately!
DARKSEID: EH, ORION? YOU WISH ME TO FIGHT THE FEMALE?
ORION: Er…I mean…GET HIM, WONDER WOMAN!
WONDER WOMAN: Why do you want ME to fight your father, Orion?
ORION: Look out! He’s got a GUN!
DARKSEID: I DO NOT!
ORION: He’s sneaking up on you, Diana!
DARKSEID: I AM RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER!
J’ONN: I’m sensing duplicity on Orion’s part. Darkseid is clearly NOT planning to destroy Earth at this time.
WONDER WOMAN: But…I don’t understand…
DARKSEID: SON, IS THIS BUT ANOTHER OF YOUR CRAZY, MIXED-UP SCHEMES TO PROCURE ME A DATE?
ORION: I swear by the Source that she is NICE, Father! And it is equally true that she KICKS MUCH ASS!
DARKSEID: I’M SORRY, WONDER WOMAN. THIS IS…AWKWARD.
SUPERMAN: Orion, you brought us all the way here via your Boom Tube, just so Darkseid could fight with Diana?
ORION: Mind your tone, Superman. Orion answers to no one, not even the last Kryptonian!
WONDER WOMAN: All this just to set his father up? Awww…I think that’s just ADORABLE!
ORION: I wish to have a baby brother to play with! Kalibak is a CRETIN!
DARKSEID: THAT IS ENOUGH, ORION! YOU ARE EMBARASSING ME!
WONDER WOMAN: Oh, don’t be so hard on the boy, Darkseid. He meant well.
DARKSEID: EVER SINCE I KILLED HIS MOTHER, HE HAS BEEN TRYING TO FIX ME UP WITH ONE FEMALE OR ANOTHER. HE IS A LITTLE DICKENS.
ORION: Curse you, Father! No ‘dickens,’ great OR small am I! I challenge you to BATTLE, and let NO SHADOW HIDE YOU FROM MY WRATH!
DARKSEID: INSOLENT PUP! TO BATTLE, THEN!
Nearby, the Newsboy Legion watch the furious battle from their hidden vantage point…
BIG WORDS: It is eminently and steadfastly true that I cannot see the donnybrook with 100 % aclarity, but it appears that the multifarious Darkseid and his pusillanimous progeny are quarreling! Samarium occultation exiguous!
SCRAPPER: Aw, shaddup, ya dope! Can ya see ’em or can ya see ’em NOT?
FAMOUS BOBBY: I believe that’s what he just SAID, Scrapper. Why don’t we go back to the Whiz Wagon and get the Bang-noculars from the Golly-gosh Glovebox….STUPID KIRBY NAMES!!!
FLIPPA DIPPA: Jesus. At least you’re not named ‘Flippa Dippa.’ Christ.
BIG WORDS: I believe the Bang-noculars are actually in the Funk Trunk with the Go-Go Space-Splat Spare Tire, speculum trypanosome Poinciana!
FAMOUS BOBBY: STUPID KIRBY NAMES!!!!
FLIPPA DIPPA: I hate myself.
Darkseid and Orion battle viciously in the smoldering glow of the fire pits. No quarter asked or given….The denizens of both Apokolips and new Genesis stand in awed silence.
FLASH: Wow. It looks like everyone’s here. Glorious Godfrey, Vermin Vundabar, Mark Moonrider, Beautiful Dreamer…
GREEN LANTERN: You just made all those names up!
FLASH: I didn’t, I swear!
GREEN LANTERN: Get OUT! “Glorious Godfrey?” You’re just ****ing with my head, now.
The terrible din of two born warriors at odds-both wanting nothing more than the other’s death…
DARKSEID: CEASE THESE POINTLESS MATCH-MAKING SCHEMES AT ONCE, OR FACE MY ETERNAL ANGER, ORION!
ORION: YOU’RE NOT GETTING ANY YOUNGER, EVIL ONE! UNGH!
DARKSEID: IT IS TOO SOON FOR ME TO DATE, WHELP! I AM STILL GRIEVING FOR YOUR POOR MOTHER, TIGRA! SSSST!
ORION: PERHAPS YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE KILLED HER, THEN, FATHER! NEVERTHELESS, IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU TO BE ALONE!
DARKSEID: I AM YOUR FATHER, ORION! OBEY MY WISHES ON THIS MATTER OR BE DESTROYED! ARGHHH!
ORION: WHAT ABOUT THAT LOWLIE SLAVE GIRL SERVING WENCH? SHE SEEMS TO STAY FIT AND HAS A GREAT PERSONALITY!
DARKSEID: NEVER! UNHH!
ORION: YOU COULD TRY VIDEO DATING…! ACCCHH!!
DARKSEID: NEVER SHALL THE LORD OF APOKOLIPS LOWER HIMSELF TO SUCH A SERVICE! MOST OF THOSE WOMEN ARE LIKELY TO BE REAL CANINES, AS WELL! OOOOF!
ORION: PERHAPS—GAH!—PERHAPS A CHURCH GROUP? OR YOU COULD TAKE UP LINE DANCING? BIG BARDA HAS A FRIEND WHOSE MOTHER IS A WIDOW…SHE LIKES TO PAINT PORCELAIN FIGURINES. I’M GOING TO CALL HER FOR YOU. THAT’S IT, IT’S SETTLED.
DARKSEID: CURSE YOU, ORIOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNNN!
Next Month: Orion uses his Mother Box to summon a Boom Tube to go to Groovy Town to fight the Hairies and Darkseid’s minions Gole, Pyron, Jaffar, Shaligo, Slig & Trok….”Slig?” Oh, that’s it. FRICKIN’ KIRBY NAMES!!!!
Orion is Walt Simonson at his best – easily one of the best superhero books being published. The friggin’ back-up stories have Frank Miller and Dave Gibbons, for Gosh sakes. Gail says go buy every copy!
Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
Darkseid, Orion and all related characters are ™ & © DC Comics. All other characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved. Artwork by Walt Simonson from Orion #3.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.
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