History was made today as Mark Alessi, Publisher and CEO of the fledgling CrossGeneration Comics, announced the CROSSGEN HOME LOVIN’ CHALLENGE, in an effort to guarantee reader satisfaction. “Many publishers SAY they produce great comics, but are unwilling to back it up with a guarantee. I say this: If you give our comics a fair shake, and you don’t like them, I WILL come to your house. I WILL sleep with you,” Alessi said in a Tampa area press conference.
“We know there are lots of comics out there trying to get your hard-earned dollars, but CrossGen is the only company willing to pay back the entire purchase price AND have its CEO perform certain ‘favors’ for dissatisfied readers over their state’s legal age of consent. And redemption couldn’t be simpler! All you have to do is buy CrossGen Chronicles #1 and #3, but not #2, Mystic #3-14 (excluding #9 and #11), Sigil #4, #6, #7, #9, and #11, The First #1-3, Scion #5, #6, #8, and #9, and Meridian (all). Then, if you don’t like the issues after reading them, simply package them all up in a jolly bow with a little note and a nude photo postmarked before…oh, never mind. Any time’s fine! In fact, forget the comics, really.” Alessi said.
The new plan was not without its detractors, however. Longtime comics reader MATT FRACTION had this to say, “They made the program way too complicated. I don’t remember what books I’m supposed to buy or where to send them. I don’t know who Mark Alessi is. I accidentally sent off my whole Spider-man collection and Joey Quesada showed up at my door naked in the pouring rain with a box of chocolates.”
NEWSSTANDS DEVISE CLEVER NEW POSITIONING SYSTEM FOR COMICS
The age-old question of how to market comics in grocery stores and drugstores has been solved once and for all, says Michael Bensen, President-elect of the Association of Independent Newsstand Distributors. “It used to be a terrible fuss, comics of all different prices and age levels, not to mention the fact that the profit margin and off-sizing was another losing proposition. Then there was the problem of what the comics would have proximity to…It was clear we needed a change,” said Bensen.
“What we’re doing now is quite exciting-revolutionary, really. When new comics come in each week, we take the whole bundle out behind the store, and place them in a darkened pit, six feet deep, and cover that pit with an iron disk weighing approximately sixty pounds. Some stores are putting snakes or bunji spikes around the pits, but I want to make it clear that this additional expense is OPTIONAL. In any case, customers who attempt to actually remove the disk and purchase the comics will be led through a genuine American Indian gauntlet, and finally, will be mocked by a series of attractive young women. Books are then rotated out using the traditional ink tag system, and returned for their full discount!
“The advantages of the system should be obvious…now, no one publisher can be favored over another, and our drivers don’t get confused over who the Hell this Spawn guy is,” said Bensen, who then stomped on a model train and spit on some trading cards.
–>DAN JURGENS TO DIE, RETURN WITH LONG HAIR
In a bizarre example of life imitating art, popular writer/artist DAN JURGENS will die falling off of a building, only to come back a few months later with a new, hipper look. “It’s time to shake things up a bit,” says God, Creator of all.
Although comic fans have become quite blasé about such resurrections, it is expected that Jurgens’ friends and family will need some “time to adjust.” Fans are already saying the changes won’t “take.” “This is just like that time they killed John Byrne and brought him back with M.C. Hammer pants and big clock necklace,” whined one bitter little twit.
COLUMNIST STEALS ENTIRE COLUMN FORMAT FROM “THE ONION!”
In what appears to be the desperate act of a sad, perhaps sociopathic loner, this week’s entire “You’ll All Be Sorry!” column at Jonah Weiland’s Comic Book Resources seems to be a thinly-disguised theft of the format of the vastly more popular “Onion” newspaper. “That’s a bloody LIE,” argued Gail Simone, writer of the column. “It’s TOTALLY different. For example…well, I mean…The Onion…well, that is to say…The Onion is very…um…sometimes they….you know, I mean, the Onion…,” said Simone.
Pathetically, Simone went on to list her various credentials. “I wrote part of Simpsons #50. Don’t know if I’ve mentioned that, yet.”
She had, in fact, mentioned it many times. Prattled on about it for a good many months, it must be said. She then went on to mention, for like the ZILLIONTH time, her friendship with Mark Waid. Rival columnist and supposed ‘wit’ Patrick Keller, of the column Fightin’ Words, had this to say-“She stole the whole thing. She knows she did.”
Simone responded, “At least I didn’t do a whole column on Python’s parrot sketch,” and then began wailing piteously. “These columns are HARD. I’ve done a TON of them! I almost wrote a column a couple weeks ago about Iron Man having a catheter! Oh, God…I’m so tired. So tired,” she said. She then left to look up several catheter reference websites, choking back her own tears of shame.
ALEX ROSS TO SCRATCH ASS
FROM WIZARD MAGAZINE
Alex Ross, famed painter of both MARVELS and KINGDOM COME, will apparently be scratching his ass at some unscheduled point in the near future, according to Wizard Magazine. “We can’t absolutely GUARANTEE it, but he has, in the past, been known to get up from his drawing board, scratch his ass, then sit back down. We don’t want to jinx it, but the odds are VERY VERY GOOD that he’ll do it again sometime soon,” claimed a hyper-excited Gareb Shamus, “…and when that happens, WIZARD will be there!”
No stranger to asses, Wizard Magazine is the most visible of today’s semi-literate magazines for boys too young to steal Penthouse. Founder Gareb Shamus is also responsible for previous special issues of the magazine focusing on Jeph Loeb’s trip to the dentist and Todd McFarlane’s depth perception.
BRIAN BENDIS TO WRITE ALL COMICS DATED NOVEMBER THROUGH MARCH-“AWESOME!” STATES FAN
In a surprise show of solidarity throughout the comics industry, fan-favorite Brian Michael Bendis has been slated to write every issue of every comic coming out from every company during a five-month period beginning in November of this year. “Man, isn’t it weird? BENDIS is writing all those comics! And it was all a coincidence of scheduling! BENDIS is going to be RICH! Hahahahaha,’ opined the famously shaven-headed scribe. “BENDIS is buying BENDIS a big house and a pool for BENDIS! BENDIS RULES!”
Early reaction from fans seems to be nearly 100% positive. “It’s…it’s just awesome, man,’ said DEVOTEE88, a long-time contributor to the author’s message boards. “I mean, totally awesome. The…it’s…I mean…AWESOME! Can’t WAIT to see BENDIS on Sonic the Hedgehog and Horny Biker Sluts, man. AWESOME!”
In a related story, John Byrne’s fan was heard to say, “Man. Chapter One was totally adequate. Really, man. Rock on.”
COLUMNIST DISAVOWS COLUMN
“I was drunk!” cried Gail Simone, known non-drinker, suspiciously. “I mean, I was totally shit-faced!” denied the lying columnist, lying LIES LIES LIES!
SCIENTISTS STILL BAFFLED AS TO “CHROMIUM” ORIGIN
Federal investigators revealed today that an unknown element may have exposed thousands, perhaps millions — okay, okay… “thousands,” we’re sticking with thousands — of comic book readers to a laundry list of maladies. At the source of the controversy is a mysterious element known as “chromium.” “We’ll be damned if we know what it is,” the study revealed. “In fact, as far as we can guess, it originated in the crater of a large meteorite impact in Ottawa, Canada.”
The Canadian Prime Minister, whose name we forget, declined to comment.
“Perhaps we were a little hasty in adopting wide-spread Chromium use,” said a spokesman for the United Paper Mills of America. “But you have to remember the comic book industry was so hungry for ‘enhancements’ back then, and young boys seemed inexplicably drawn to shiny relief pictures of half-naked women. So we thought, ‘Who is this gonna hurt?’ I mean, really.”
Possible side-effects of chromium exposure include: dry mouth, hives, shortness of breath, asthma or asthma-like symptoms, dwarfism, joint pain, an inexplicable desire to lick things, infrequent bowel movements, frequent bowel movements, bowel “realignment,” hair loss, deepening of the voice, leprosy, seizures triggered by theme music from “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,” explosive decompression, radiation sickness, loss of memory, recovered memories, deja vu, loss of interest in the opposite sex, loss of interest from the opposite sex, spontaneous sex change, loss of memory, “visions,” loss of vision, visual impairment, blindness, sudden appreciation for foreign films, nausea, pyromania, Papaphobia (fear of The Pope), and attraction to Cher.
WARREN ELLIS ‘DIES’ IN POWERS COMIC-FANS ASSURED “COMICS AREN’T REAL” BY PUBLISHER
Fans of acclaimed writer Warren Ellis had to be held and cuddled by Image Comics’ spokesperson Jim Valentino, upon hearing the news that their beloved Brit author had died in an upcoming issue of Brian Michael Bendis’ hit comic, POWERS.
“There, there. It’ll be all right. Keep your chin up, little soldier,” Valentino was heard to coo into the ears of dozens of sobbing fans. “Comics aren’t really REAL, you know,” he continued, when asked various questions about Heaven and Hell and where writers who curse a lot go when they die.