SOME X-MEN COMICS TO STOP SUCKING
Today, Brit scribe GRANT MORRISON, ended speculation that had been circulating among the internet community for days; ie, that he had been chosen to write one of the coveted X-MEN titles, long the best-selling books in the industry. New Marvel Editor-in-Chief JOEY QUESADA, seems to be making good on his promise to shake things up for the struggling company by hiring the unorthodox, yet highly successful Morrison. In a related story, former X-writer SCOTT LOBDELL has been asked to fill in on the books in the meantime, leading many to offer the opinion that he may continue writing one of the X-books, even after Morrison’s debut. We at BUZZLINE were able to briefly speak with Morrison about his plans, and with Lobdell about his hopes for the book, should he get the permanent assignment.
BUZZLINE: Let me ask both of you…if you both get your wishes, how would you change the X-Men titles?
GRANT MORRISON: I want to return the power and glory and magic to this book. I want people’s eyes to pop out of their heads and hang by their optic stalk and flop against their checks plop plip plop and yet, blind, have them stumble to their phones to clumsily dial the numbers to call and beg their mums to rush home immediately and read the ****ing thing to them in the ambulance on the way to hospital because they HAVE TO KNOW HOW THE STORY ENDS. I want sex and blood and death and power and greed and ideas, and stories so gripping that you sell your kids for money to buy the next issue. I want readers to tear their own intestines out rather than miss a panel.
SCOTT LOBDELL: I’d have Cyclops fight Venom!
BUZZLINE: Sounds great! And can you give us any clues about changes in the line-up?
GRANT MORRISON: The cast is too large. I’d cut back on the team, and then, I’d add a character called X-R@, who would be from an alternate mind-line wherein robots have developed higher consciousness and live on a world the color of clouds in green tea, and a defective robot is produced and becomes the mutant of his world, both feared and persecuted and yet, the self-preservation module in his ephemeral cranial cavity prevents him from killing himself, so he invents a Trans-Gender Wish Drive, that deposits him in the Anti-Earth sector of the Negative Zone…and he hijacks a Soul-Mime to traverse into our universe.
SCOTT LOBDELL: I invented this guy with a mace called CLUBBY!
BUZZLINE: You two should be GREAT together! How do you each describe a typical writing day?
GRANT MORRISON: I awaken to an alarm clock of my own devising, wherein at precisely 9:17 am, I am force-fed a pill by a highly-trained wee monkey while a seven-second loop of random music by the Bay City Rollers plays. My breakfast consists of three more pills and a spoonful of basin cleanser. Then, I enter my ‘Inspiration Womb,’ which is a three-meter long semi-transparant tube stitched together from cow-udders and suspended by strong wire from a constantly rotating disc attached to a rotary engine mounted to my ceiling.
SCOTT LOBDELL: I like doughnuts!
BEST OF LUCK TO BOTH OF YOU!
LADY DEATH STILL POPULAR, BREASTS ALSO
The continuing popularity of breasts with young heterosexual males shows no signs of fading any time soon, according to experts. The reliable appendages are enjoying a wave of adulation that has lasted many centuries, and it seems inevitable, in retrospect, that SOME clever company would use these plucky milk-secreting glands to sell their product. And it looks as though Chaos Comics Publisher Brian Pulido seems to caught the zeitgeist, as it were!
“Sure, it was risky, creating a character who is mainly breast-oriented. I mean, the fad for breasts could end at any time. Then, I guess we’d have to create Penis Man! Hahhhahaaha! Urk, ow, shit,” said the plucky publisher, til we hit him a little harder. Then he shut right up.
COMICS MESSAGE BOARDS SLOWLY DETERIORATE IN QUALITY OF POSTS
The quality and range of topics at every comics message board in the universe is deteriorating, complained every poster.
“It’s not like it used to be. This used to be a friendly place. Man, some of the threads were CLASSIC,” opined everyone, regarding the downfall of their favorite board.
“Right on,” agreed everyone else. “I mean, I like some of the new people, but some of them, they just don’t get it. I might have to find a new place to hang. This place has just become too negative, lately. Goodbye, old board. I’ll miss you.”
But every new poster spoke out as well, defending their right to their opinions, “That’s so TOTALLY unfair! Just because we’re new doesn’t mean you guys get to decide everything. It’s like a real clique here, and I thought this place was better than that. Guess I was wrong.”
Fortunately, tempers cooled when everyone intervened with the clear-headed post to, “…just chill, everyone. Let’s just chill.”
BUY YOUR FAVORITE CREATORS ON PRICELINE.COM
In this EXCLUSIVE Buzzline interview with Priceline.com spokespoet William (DEVIL’S RAIN) Shatner, we’ve been given the inside scoop on the beleaguered internet discounting agency and their controversial new plan to allow fans to name their own price for top-name creators.
BUZZLINE: Thanks for meeting with us, Mr. Shatner. We’re all big fans of DEVIL’S RAIN here at BUZZLINE!
WILLIAM SHATNER: There’s a lady…who’s SURE!…all that glitters is goooooooold and she’s buying, she’s BUYING a stairway to…HEAVEN?!! And you just know that she’s paying too much, with all the ads and the confusing offers and the coupons, and there’s a bustle in her HEDGEROW! But don’t be alarmed now, it’s just a spring clean for Priceline.com, where you can name your OWN price for stairways and NEVER pay RETAIL AGAIN!
BUZZLINE: Hey! That chick with the glasses isn’t even PLAYING her guitar! RIP-OFF! RIP-OFF!
WILLIAM SHATNER: Hey, Jude. Don’t take it….BAD! Just take a sad price for your favorite comic creators, estimate the length of time you’ll want them, and in an hour or less you’ll know if your offer was accepted and make it BETTER, MAN! NA NA NA NANANA NA! NANANA NA! Hey, you!
BUZZLINE: Wow! I just bid a dollar for Howard Mackie and they ACCEPTED IT! Ha ha ha! I think I’ll have him wash my car.
WILLIAM SHATNER: Mr. Tambourine Man? MR. TAMBOURINE MAN!?!
NOTED REVIEWER PANS SELF
Popular internet comic book reviewer and multi-columnist RANDY (SNAP JUDGMENTS) Lander says he was “unpleasantly surprised” by himself in his latest review, giving himself a shockingly low three out of a possible ten stars.
“Despite a hopeful beginning, I just never really fulfilled my early promise. I tried to judge myself objectively, but frankly, I just don’t have the spark I had during my classic run following my High School graduation. When am I going to get wise and assign someone really GOOD to me? Fans aren’t going to put up with me forever. My back-story is forbidding, dull and convoluted to the point where no NEW fan would want to pick me up.”
“I guess I’m just not my kind of thing,” Lander added. “It’s not that I don’t have some good points, but really, I’ve been done before so many times. I really feel I could’ve used a twist of some kind, but no, I’m afraid I’ve really let myself down with me.”
Lander sighed, and continued, “I’m at the point where if I don’t change drastically for the better, and soon, I’m going to ask that I be removed from my pull list. A sad ending to a life once covered in glory. Plus, my costume sucks.”
SPECIAL ISSUE OF WIZARD MAGAZINE TO FEATURE CONTENT
In a surprise move, issue #112 of the popular comics/entertainment magazine WIZARD will focus on content, rather than vapid unfunny in-jokes and photos of the staff and pin-ups of sluts and bets on the Hulk vs. the Thing. Wizard CEO Gareb Shamus had this to say, “Wizard Magazine has always forefront vanguard leadership. Thus, now comic readers like words. Words = trend new hot. Magazine Gareb focus words real lot, issue #112. Look at script, talking, talking, talking, issue good. No bunny no bunny no. Surprise to morons, big big!”
When asked if this deliberate focus on ‘content’ was a permanent change in the magazine’s direction, Wizard Editor-In-Chief Patrick McCallum responded, “Poo-poo.”
“Boobies,” added Editor Brian Cunningham.