You don’t know me. I’ve read in the newpapers that the final appeal in your death penalty case has been rejected, and it is with heavy heart that I write this note to you. The Bible says that we will atone for our sins, and atone you must, but I do not believe that it is man’s right to take your life. For is that not, ‘an eye for an eye’ and surely God’s place to judge?
I do not write to absolve you. I am well aware of your myriad horrible crimes, and the awful suffering you have caused in this world. I merely write this letter in the hopes that you might come to a personal understanding with Our Lord Jesus Christ, before you depart this veil of tears. It is not too late for you.
Sincerely, Mrs. E. Ritley
Well, I must say I was surprised to receive a personal letter from you. I confess that I’ve written quite a number of such letters to inmates, hoping only to provide comfort to those whose suffering will soon be at an end. But rarely do I get a reply, and never have any of my previous incarcerated correspondents asked personal questions of me. I suppose there’s little harm in answering your questions.
Yes, I am a widow, so yes, I too know the feeling of abandonment that you must have felt when your ‘gang’ left you to drown in that vat of chemicals. Yes, I can cook (you probably ask that because it’s been so long since you’ve had a home-cooked meal, I imagine). My interests are bird-watching and mystery novels. I keep quite busy. And yes, I have a daughter (who doesn’t visit me very often lately-I do NOT approve of my new son-in-law, I’m afraid to say!!!).
Hoping you’ve given some thought to what I talked about in my first letter,
Mrs. Enid Ritley
PS. I was surprised to see that you had such excellent penmanship. I guess it’s true that no one can be all bad, ha ha!!!
Dear Mr. Joker,
I hope you’ll forgive me if I’m just a touch upset with you. Escaping from the asylum again? Mr. Joker, it’s hard for me to believe your protestations that you seek forgiveness when the first chance you get you escape and go on yet ANOTHER killing spree!!! So, yes, I’m sorry, but I AM quite irked. Well, perhaps ‘irked’ is too strong a word. I suppose it’s only natural for you to wish to escape when, after all, to be fair, they DO plan to execute you.
Suddenly, I’m sad. They’re showing the victims from that subway train you blew up supposedly on the news constantly. Why do they have to do that? Those reporters…it’s like all they care about are ratings ratings ratings.
Anyway, hope you enjoy these cookies. They’re my grandmother’s recipe. The secret is the walnuts.
All right. I admit it. I’m vexed. No mail from you in three weeks? Rudeness is never acceptable in polite society, Joker. I lead a busy life too, yet I still manage to devote at least an hour or two each morning and evening to composing letters to you. Frankly, I’m debating whether or not to even SEND you the afghan I’ve been knitting.
Waiting for an explanation,
Is MY face red! I should have realized that you’d have your mail privileges suspended after your recent escape!!! I hope you don’t read the letters I wrote to you over the last few days!!!
I think it’s terribly unfair of them to take your writing utensils like that. You’d have found a way to kill that guard whether or not you had a pencil, I say. I penned a STERNLY worded letter to the warden, I assure you!!! And no, it’s no bother. I can read the crayon just fine.
On a personal note, I can’t tell you how glad I was to receive your letter. Will you think me foolish if I admit that I’ve been checking my mailbox as often as thirty times a day?
Dreamt of you last night. You’ve awoken feelings in me that I thought were lost forever. My daughter is quite displeased with me. She says that our feelings for each other are ‘sick.’ I’ve told her that if she’s going to be so cruel, she’s no longer welcome in my house.
Love (how glorious to write that word to you finally!!!),
I did as you asked, my dearest. I must admit, I’m not used to such erotic adventures. I’m afraid my husband Theo was less-than-enthusiastic about the naked body. In any case, I’m sending the pictures, as you advised. I know they check your mail, but I don’t care. Our bond has given me courage.
On a humorous side-note, you’re right. The floppy red shoes DID feel strange at first!!! I liked the baggy pants right away, though. They made me feel NAUGHTY.
Your little Pagliacci,
My Albino Love God,
That winged vigilante freak was on television today while I was over at my friend Doreen’s house. It was all I could do to avoid throwing my coffee and Pepperidge Farm Milano cookies (not as good as home-made, but Doreen can’t bake!!!) right at the screen!
And of course, Doreen is going ON and ON about how ‘great’ Batman is, just because he kinda sorta saved her life once when Two-Face robbed the bank she works at. I tell you, it was VERY hard to be polite to her!!!
In any case, on a more pleasant note, here are some pictures of me riding a tiny tricycle. Hope they keep you warm in that dank cell of yours!!!
Oh, my dearest harlequin,
I’m feeling so sad for you. My heart is just broken. To be caught AGAIN by that disgusting winged rodent after your valiant escape attempt!!! The newspapers are of course making a HUGE TO-DO over that explosion at the orphanage, but I ABSOLUTELY believe you when you say you never intended the bomb to go off. Life can be SO UNFAIR!!! I had hoped (silly me!!!) that you might find your way to my door on this ‘vacation’ of yours, but I understand that you had important things to do. Next time for SURE!!!
Hoping these novelty day-glo underwear ‘lighten’ your mood!
YOU BASTARD. You VILE, DISGUSTING COCKROACH OF A MAN. I SAW. I saw it on the NEWS. You escaped, and instead of coming to see ME as you’ve PROMISED, I saw that Harley Quinn BITCH hanging ALL OVER YOU!!! You SICKEN me. I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. I hope you enjoyed your time with that SLUT and you’re THINKING OF HER when they FRY your fish-belly white ASS. Hear that hum? That’s the sound of them warming up Ol’ SPARKY, you FILTH.
BURN IN HELL,
I can’t stay mad.
I SAID I was sorry! What MORE do you want?
My dearest one,
Oh, really funny. REALLY funny, sending me a cake. Do you think I’m STUPID? I fed it to the neighbor’s Cocker Spaniel, and now it’s dead with a big grin on its face. You’re not getting rid of me that easily, darling. I know you’re scared. True love is scary.
Thinking of you, all alone, in those grey coveralls…wish you’d write me back, silly!
Did you really think a Cease and Desist order would keep me from you? It was a simple matter to change my name and mailing address. Love you so much. We’ll be together always. You don’t need to hide from me.
Dear Mr. Joker,
Well, it’s been months now, and the letters I’ve written you have all been returned unopened. I’ve cried a river of tears. I did send a sample of the cake you sent me to that Commissioner Gordon fellow with a brief note. He’s a nice man. He said there’s not much he can do, except take away your television and magazine privileges. So, at least I have that satisfaction. I must say, you’ve been quite a disappointment to me. I’ve decided to reconcile with my daughter, by the way. We’re planning a nice little family party on your scheduled execution date. A barbecue, in fact.
Dear Mr. Penguin,
You don’t know me, but I’m writing this letter to you in the hopes that you’ll take my heartfelt advice to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior…
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All characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.
You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.
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