--"Aaacck! Jesus…I mean, Oh, GOD! Oh, GOD!!!"…Claims Former Mercury Astronaut John Glenn--
In a surprising case of fact following fiction, the world community of astronomers was stunned by the report of an amateur star-gazer, who observed the Marvel Comics character GALACTUS heading towards Earth. That sketchy early report was verified by Astronomers and Astrophysicists around the globe.
New Nasa Administrator John Goldin had this to say, " AAAAH! For shit's sake! We're all dead! We're all DEAD! He'll EAT US ALL! Oh, Christ, I've got to get out of here…I can't breathe! I've got to…my kids, I've got to find my kids!" He later amended his statement with the following…"Too late…ish too late. Wanna drinkie winkie? Oops! I made a stinky. HA HA HA!."
"Stupid Ultimate Nullifier doesn't work at all," croaked Stephen Hawking.
BOB HARRAS TO DEMAND RECOUNT
--"At Least Let Me Keep My Little Desk," Demands Ousted E.I.C.--
Famed "Humor" Columnist Gail Simone admitted late Monday that she had no follow-up to a gag that's certain to be hackneyed within the week, if not sooner.
"I got nothing," said Simone, who got up repeatedly to do little chores around the house. "Hmm. Those dishes want doing, for SURE!," she continued.
"It's just two cheap shots jammed together," marveled her readers.
"I tried to donate a kidney to any freelancers who needed one, but the suits upstairs wouldn't let me, damn them all to Hell," added Jim Shooter.
FAN CLAIMS TO "JUST ADORE" COMIC HE HASN'T EVEN READ
--"I ALSO WATCH A LOT OF PBS," Says Fan--
The internet fan community was shocked today when it was discovered that well-known message board poster 'AngelFAN9' had not actually read the critically-acclaimed independent comic BERLIN, despite giving the book a ringing endorsement in a lengthy Usenet post.
"I just ADORE that book," claimed AngelFAN9. "Let me add my voice to those of you praising this comic. It's unbelievable to me that a book this great, this ORIGINAL, can't find an audience. It's, well, it's a damn shame," he added.
At this point, another poster, 'TIMMAN', requested more information. "Oh, I agree. Tell me, AngelFAN9, who is your favorite character?"
Two days later, AngelFAN9 responded, "I like the gay one."
A suspicious TIMMAN pressed the issue moments later, "'The gay one?' I bet you haven't even READ this book! Who writes and draws it?"
When more than a week passed by with no response from AngelFAN9, TIMMAN then posted THIS in response to a post by AngelFAN9 on a completely unrelated thread titled, 'Who Should Play Aquaman If There Were a REAL JLA Movie?', "If AngelFAN 9 is such an expert on comics, would somebody please explain to me why he doesn't know Jason Lutes is the creator of BERLIN?"
A cowed AngelFAN9 responded, "…I just wanted people to think I was smart."
A confused 'DavePotter69' added, "Oh, yeah, Berlin is great. I…um…I especially like the gay character. And Jar of Fools is brilliant. Of course, I'm mainly buying a lot of artsy European comics lately. You've probably never heard of them. They're real rare here."
WELL-KNOWN COMICS CREATOR SPENDING TIME ONLINE TO AVOID HELLISH REALITY
--Reading Loving Fanmail Only Joy For Noted Author--
A well-known creator is increasing his presence on the World Wide Web, not, as he claims, because he's "excited by the possibilities of the immediate communication afforded by the net," but in fact because his real life is tawdry and unpleasant.
"I love that I can reach readers not just here in the States, but all over the world. I've added a lot of new interactivity to my website, as well as a feedback area where you lowly fans can communicate directly with me, your hero. Plus, I've put the script up for the Teen Titans revision that DC is too gutless to produce. You're right to feel that you're unworthy, but such is my generosity that I overlook that," said the creator, before realizing that his wife no longer loves him and he's well behind on his rent payments for the crappy apartment they were lucky enough to get without a large deposit.
"I'm also doing a new net column for Piss-stain.com, wherein you'll be told what to think and what to say and when to say it. You may now thank me in advance for my devotion," he added, right before his pregnant 15-year-old daughter stole the few crumpled banknotes in his tasteless and well-worn leather jacket to buy cigarettes.
The beloved creator's wife had this to say, when asked by a former college friend at the supermarket, "…yes, this IS my husband. Oh, he's a 'writer,' sort of. I guess. If you call funnybooks writing. Oh yeah, he's a real 'Superman.'"
"Look at that old creep," added several local youths.
"He should lose the mohawk," exclaimed the bagboy.
COMICS GRADING CORPORATION UNVEIL NEW COMICS GRADES
--"Man, Is THIS Gonna Screw People!" Enthuses Company Spokesperson--
Speculative comic collecting has taken a new and some say unsettling turn in the last few years based on the practice of professional grading, a procedure wherein a comic is inspected, graded extremely strictly, and then sealed and encased in a permanent plastic holder. Controversy surrounds this practice, as the price of a comic increases drastically the higher the grade it receives, with miniscule differences meaning a vastly higher selling price.
A nameless, heartless, profiteering company spokeperson explains,"We at CGC feel that we've finally achieved acceptance of our service, and are now looking at new advances in the fields of gouging and customer fixation abuse. I mean, there's MILES of difference between Near Mint and Mint, isn't there? No, really, isn't there? I'm serious."
The new Comics Grades are as follows, beginning with Near Mint and continuing upwards:
- NEAR MINT
- A BIT MORE MINTY
- GETTING MINTY-ER
- JUST A WEE SMIDGE MINT-LIKE
- NEAR MINT AND THREE QUARTERS
- ALMOST MINT-ISH
- THIS IS LIKE MINT, I SHIT YOU NOT
- YOU CAN BARELY TELL, I MEAN IT'S REALLY ALMOST MINT
- OKAY, I MEAN IT. THIS IS MINT, NEAR ENOUGH.
- MINT JULIPY
And the new "BETTER THAN MINT" Grades:
- MINT PLUS!
- PRISTINE MINT
- VIRGINAL MINT
- IMPLANT MINT
- LOTTO MINT
- MULTIPLE ORGASM MINT
- I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT THIS. IT'S LIKE LOOKING AT THE SUN MINT
- DON'T BREATHE ON IT! DAMMIT, I SAID DON'T BREATHE ON IT MINT!
And finally, the highest New Grade of all:
- AT THIS GRADE, EVEN YOUNGBLOOD IS WORTH SOMETHING!
|You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.|