BUZZLINE returns with the news so strange, it can only be fictional! Read it this moment or now!
--"So Cold. Toes So Cold," Jokes President of Publishing Bill Jemas--
After a moderately semi-intense manhunt lasting over two days, Marvel Enterprises President of Publishing & New Media BILL JEMAS was found, alive but confused, wandering in the snow in a remote location in Eastern Canada. He had been reported missing six weeks ago, but police authorities were busy with the holidays and such.
The controversial and outspoken Jemas, (who has both a law degree from Harvard, and a BA from Rutgers), was apparently at a loss to explain either his location or his predicament, yet remained jovial and alert while Emergency Medical Technicians snipped off his gangrenous extremities. When first discovered by a search party, his first words were reported to be, "I'm so cold. Oh, my God, I'm so very, very cold. A black Captain America. Cold. I can't feel my feet."
Later, resting comfortably in an oxygen tent while doctors rushed to save his life, the ever-humorous Jemas quipped, " I had to eat frozen mud. I can't get warm...every nerve in my body feels like a blazing needle in my skin...Bad girl comics for fans who never leave the basement. I can't see. Date comics. For the love of God, my eyelids are frozen!"
New Marvel Editor-In-Chief JOE QUESADA expressed relief at Jemas' miraculous recovery... "Oh, they found him, huh? Great. That's great. Yeah. Wow. I'm surprised they found him, what with him being naked in the Canadian Wilderness. Uh...IF that's where he was found, I mean. I just sort of supposed that that's where he'd be. What a coinkydink! Anyway, it's real real great to have Bill alive and all, you bet. "
Asked what he was going to do first when he returned to his New Jersey home, Jemas replied, "Cold. They took my toes. They took my toes! Why do I still feel them wiggle? Secret Wars III. Wolves hunted me. I can hear them still! How they howl-- They yearn to partake of my frozen blue flesh! Oh, how their teeth shall rend my sinew and bone! We want everyone to get our books, thus we will not overprint...Hark! They're coming! The wolves are coming! The music of my four-legged doom! My death is their sustenance! Speculators are good for the industry! "
Later, Jemas was seen drinking Tang through a straw.
FEMALE COMICS CREATOR NOT ASKED WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A FEMALE IN COMICS DURING HISTORIC INTERVIEW
--"Has The World Gone Mad?," Asks Popular Comics Creator--
Critically-acclaimed comics Writer/Artist LEA (RUMBLE GIRLS, CATHEDRAL CHILD) HERNANDEZ expressed shock and disbelief last week when an otherwise pleasant interview took a bizarre and surreal turn.
"Zack Smith was conducting a very civil and enjoyable interview with me for his NC University newspaper, and of course, I was waiting for the question..." said a still puzzled and confused Hernandez, "Zack said, "Okay, now I just have one more question for you..."
"And I thought, here it comes, right? But it turns out to be a question about what books I'm currently reading! Have I gone insane? Is it snowing in Hell? Is Howard Stern funny now? Can Darryl Hannah act suddenly? What is going ON?!?"
"Frankly, I don't believe Lea's story," said a skeptical COLLEEN (DISTANT SOIL) DORAN, "An entire interview, with a male interviewer, and he didn't ask what it's like to be a woman doing comics in a male-dominated industry? It's a hoax, gotta be."
TRINA(GO GIRL, FROM GIRLS TO GRRRLZ) ROBBINS added, "Sure. Tell me about Santa Clause, while you're at it."
It was later reported, though unconfirmed at press time, that Hernandez had been asked to be on many panels throughout the convention season, none of which were on the topic, WOMEN IN COMICS. "Is up down? Am I nuts? Are convention booth babes suddenly wearing tasteful outfits? Is Mariah Carey somehow no longer annoying? Are Twinkies suddenly nutritious and tasty? What in the name of God is happening?," queried the popular Hernandez, well into her eighth cup of coffee that evening.
DC COMICS TO EXPERIMENT WITH NEW PAPER GRADES
-- "They's All KINDSA Good Paper What You Can Puts Ink On!," Says Company Spokesperson--
In an admirable effort to curtail the rising per unit cost of today's comic books, industry leader DC COMICS has boldly set forth, scouring the globe for new grades of paper that are both economical and diverse.
A company spokesperson, who wished not to be named, said, "Oh, you GOTS ta take a peep at what we gotchere! See this? This whole ream o' paper is made of nothin' but squarshed 'tater skins...we're usin' this fer Tom Strong and Young Justice. Looks great, smells a tad, though!
"And lookee here! This is whut we calls Boll Weevil grade paper. It's made outta nothin' but pure, oat-fed weevil, never you mind! Don't get it too close to any water nor children none, some of them weevils t'aint quite deed, yet, har! We're a'usin' this on DARK KNIGHT 2 and Scooby-Doo, I believes!"
The new grades of paper include:
FAUX BAXTER-ESQUE WONDER PRINT JR
MANDO LITE LITE
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT ORGANIC!
HONEST JOHN'S BIG WAD OF GLOSSY CRAP
TURKISH CIGARETTE WRAP
TEXAS HANGIN' NOOSE-LEAF BLEND
CAMBODIAN PRISON MATTE
And the special, very inexpensive and possibly dangerous LOUISIANA BAYOU GATOR SQUEEZIN'S SHEETS, which will mostly be used for Archive Editions.
NEW STUDY CONFIRMS COLUMNISTS OUTNUMBER FANS BY THREE TO ONE MARGIN
--Thousands Denounce Study In Next Day's Columns--
The close-knit community of Internet comic book fans were forced to rethink their priorities today when an independent study revealed that there were vastly more weekly comics columnists than comics fans.
"I don't believe it," said Dilbert Sturdly, weekly 'commando reviewer' at the www.comiccomicsresourcescomicspsydelphiwfcomics.com website. "It just doesn't make sense. Also, new reviews are up for Spawn and Wolverine. I'm sorry I haven't updated that cartoon of Cable making a fart noise, but I've been really busy lately."
Nevertheless, the estimated number or regular fans who purchase comics monthly is holding steady around 300,000, while the number of Internet columnists has blossomed to nearly a million per week.
LAURA DePUY, popular colorist of JLA, had this to say regarding the study... "Well, when I started my column, BIZARRE BREASTS, at the Sequential Tart website, I was the only one doing it. Now there's BIZARRE ASSES, BIZARRE NIPPLE, BIZARRE AREOLA, BIZARRE INSTEP for the fetishists, not to mention the whole BIZARRE LABIA portal site...you know, what's the point?"
STEVEN (X-MAN, @VENTURE.COM) GRANT echoed these sentiments, saying, "Well, I was flattered by KING OF THE EVIDENT column, though I think they missed the point of the title. And I was ambivalent about EMPEROR OF THE UNDERSTOOD. But I really became disgusted when some genius came up with BOSS OF STUFF THAT'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME."
Grant was soundly trashed for his comments in the thousandth new internet "humor" column, "YOU'LL ALL BE REMORSEFUL," and the equally original and thought-provoking, "COME IN WITH NO MORE THAN ONE OTHER PERSON."
At press time, at least twelve people were claiming to be "the REAL Tony Isabella," and were offering "tips" of a dubious nature.
NEWS IN BRIEF
DC COMICS VERTIGO IMPRINT TO CHANGE FOCUS
--Former Horror, Crime Imprint Now Mostly To Sell Sandman Hats--
WIZARD MAGAZINE PRINTS INSPIRING, WELL-WRITTEN ARTICLE
--Fans Befuddled, Dismayed By Article On Fathom Creator--
MAN MISTAKENLY BELIEVES INKING A BATMAN COMIC IS THE SAME AS BEING A ROCK STAR
--Buys Leather Jacket And Grows Ponytail. "Where Are The Groupies?," Asks Perplexed Inker--
COMIC FAN BUYS FIFTH WEIGHT SET AND BENCH
--"I'm KEEPING This Set. I'm SERIOUS!," Says Liar--
DIAMOND PREVIEWS CATALOG TO HAVE SUPERHERO ON COVER--Eight Hundredth Consecutive Occurrence A New Record, Says Nut With Chalkboard--
| Thanks to Bill and Joey for being good sports, and to Lea, Steven, Laura, Colleen and Trina for hopefully not killing me...
Zack's actual, historic interview with Lea is at: http://technicianonline.com/read/tol/extra/002241.html
And cause I haven't said it in a while, cheers to Tony Isabella, who was doing the column thing way ahead of all of us, and still does it better. Go, Tony!
You'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.