CROSSGEN SIGNS EVERYBODY TO EXCLUSIVE CONTRACT
— Jenette Kahn’s Nephew To Write, Draw, Edit Bat-Titles, JLA, Others–
Controversial CrossGen Publisher Mark Alessi stunned a capacity MegaCon crowd this weekend with the surprise announcement that Everybody had been signed to exclusive ten-year contracts with the relatively new company.
“Obviously, we’ve been fans of Everybody’s work since Everybody first started making waves in the industry. It’s a real coup to get Everybody while Everybody is at the peak of Everybody’s skills,” said Alessi, who announced that there would be two billion new CrossGen titles starting next year. “And we’re just getting started! Plus we’re staggering the titles so they don’t all come out on the same week.”
“We’re running out of places to put those goddamn sigils,” added an artist who asked not to be identified, but is tall with sort of sandy blond hair, and sits in one of the cubicles towards the back.
“Hands are real hard to draw,” said the new writer/artist/editor of DC’s line.
“Now who is this stretchy fella again?,” queries hot new Marvel writer, Fred The Water Cooler Guy.
STAN LEE LINKED TO CLINTON PARDON OF FUGITIVE
–Stan Lee Media Reduces Workforce To “One Guy And A Parrot”–
NEW YORK CITY, NEW YORK—
Among the 14,000 fugitives, terrorists and master criminals pardoned by President Bill Clinton during the last three minutes of his term was one jade-jawed, gamma-spawned fugitive known to a trembling world as The Incredible Hulk. Although the Green Goliath was sought for the relatively harmless offense of destroying several hundred abandoned buildings over the course of a 40-year rampage, the pardon has provoked a Congressional inquiry into the political activities of the Hulk’s creator, Stan Lee.
Last summer Lee hosted a party for the President at his Los Angeles compound, collecting $1,400,000 in No-Prizes from such high-profile contributors as Barbra Streisand, Shirley Maclaine and Modok. The writer, who also created dozens of other popular characters with no help from anyone, we swear, was overheard shouting at Clinton, “I’m pleadin’ for a pulse-pounding pardon for a particular person with a peculiar pallor, Prez!”
Investigators for the House Select Committee To Hound Bill Clinton Until He Drops Dead Or We’re All Voted Out Again were initially tipped off by a Marvel Bullpen Bulletins page from last summer, reproduced below.
BULLPEN BULLETINS * BULLPEN BULLETINS
Even as STAN (THE MAN) LEE whooped it up with BILL (THE PRESIDENT) CLINTON in Tinseltown last week, guess who walked off with the dynamic Democratic Party’s nod to be Nick Fury’s next Commander-In-Chief? Why, Bill’s very own sensational sidekick, ASTONISHIN’ AL GORE! Excelsior, Al, baby! We knew ya when! Now if we could just get ya to stop taking those Public Speaking lessons from the Kree Supreme Intelligence…!
While the Bullpen Gang turns out mag after magnificent mag back home, Our Leader is doin’ his batty bit out West, raising Hulk-sized wads of cash for our country’s best ‘n’ brightest leaders (both Democrat and Party Ecch)! Why? Come on, Pilgrim… ya just KNOW there’s only one possible answer: We do it for you, Pussycat! The way we figure it, by kicking in a small share of your dimes and pennies, we just might not have to worry that red tape–from agonizin’ antitrust investigations to loony labor laws to kooky environmental rules -will keep us from dishing out your monthly measure of Marvel magic! But don’t think we’re gonna let Ol’ Smiley hog all the action! See below for ways YOU can contribute and make our fun-lovin’ Founding Fathers proud! Who SAYS this isn’t the Marvel Age of Pragmatic Politics?
KNOW YE THESE, THE HALLOWED RANKS OF MARVELDOM:
B.B.B. — Bullpen Bush-Beater! Donor of $1,000 to the Gore Campaign!
A.I.A. — Assemblin’ Impeachment Avenger! Donor of $10,000 to the Hillary Campaign!
H.M.M. — Honorary Matt Murdock! Donor of $100,000 to the Clinton Legal Fund!
H.C.I.C. — Howling Commando-In-Chief! Donor of $1,000,000 to the Clinton Library!
REAL-LIFE CONQUERING ALIEN HORDE VOWS NOT TO DESTROY EARTH
–“As Long As Sergio Aragones Doesn’t Retire,” Warns KOLAHN 44^”–
Popular planet and home of all humanity, EARTH, was spared a horrible demise today, when the warlike planet KOLTHAR agreed not to proceed with plans for its flaming destruction.
“We were prepared to destroy your puny planet after plundering it for its abundant natural resources, (such as sod, which we advanced beings use for currency), as is our usual world-ravaging custom. Fortunately for you puny Earth people, our first stop was what you call a ‘Comic Book Store.’ Amid the primitive and indecipherable heiroglyphic tomes of your repugnant planet, , we discovered several books featuring the transcendent brilliance of the Earthman SERGIO ARAGONES,” said alien armada leader KOLAHN 44^, in an interview beamed directly into the central cortices of every man, woman, child and reptile on Earth. “So your planet is spared…
Kolahn 44^, Destroyer Of Worlds, continued, as the people of Earth were involuntarily paralyzed for his world-wide cranial transmission, “I mean, we were pretty much convinced that you humans were parasites. My cousin thought halibut were the most-likely dominant species…but then we saw GROO. And Mad Magazine. We were so amused we disrupted our mating cycle. Xoxor 55* laughed so hard he spit a human leg out of his primary olfactory organ. And he was not even eating a human at the time! Thus, we cannot destroy your planet. Right now, I mean.
“I mean, look at this little cartoon. It is of your fictional Earth hero Superman, and his cape is caught in the toilet stall. It is so universal! You do not have to be an Earthman to find this amusing. Many times have I found that I have caught my chitinous second thorax in a waste disposal unit. Ark! And here is that barbarian with that adorable dog–see how he speaks of cheese dip, and yet, never does he actually consume any of said dip? This is the essence of comedy. Ark ark! It covers me with a thick layer of mirth secretions! Merrily do my genitals vibrate in song! Ark! As much as we would love to ravage your plentiful supply of sod, we cannot risk anything that would even momentarily slow the continued production of Groo cartoons. Look! He is slaying everyone, oh, how he enjoys a fray! Ark! Ark ark!
“Also, we are carving your moon into the shape of Mark Evanier.”
GARGANTUAN, LONG-AWAITED, FAN-REQUESTED CROSSOVER ANNOUNCED
— Fan Wets Self, Tries To Act Like He Spilled Coke, Despite Lack Of Cup As Supporting Evidence–
Also at MegaCon, the long-awaited (by one fan at least) team-up of Sovereign Seven and Team America has been officially announced. “Man, this is a dream come true,” said fan Thad Dorfle. “I mean, it’s hard-driving truckers, teamed up with the Sovereign Seven team. I’ve been requesting this forever! Jesus, so THIS is what a boner feels like!”
Chris Claremont then gave an hour-long speech explaining the genesis of the project, but I didn’t take notes cause I was in the other room listening to George Perez and Kurt Busiek. One time, I swear, it was like George Perez was looking right at me, no kidding.
NEWS IN BRIEF
TEN THOUSANDTH ‘CROSSGEN IS A CULT’ JOKE MADE
–“Man, It’s Like Hogan’s Heroes There And Alessi Is Colonel Klink!” Says Internet Wag–
PHIL JIMENEZ TO DO “WAR AND PEACE” ADAPTATION IN 22 PAGE STAND-ALONE SPECIAL, PROMISES FULL CAST AND TEXT, TEENY PANELS
— “I Plan To Use An Electron Microscope,” Says Jimenez–
–“AARRGH! My EYES! I’m BLIND!,” Exclaims Editor Eddie Berganza–
FAN RECENTLY DISCOVERS DARK HORSE’S ‘COMICS GREATEST WORLD’ CONCEPT
–Claims Mild Enjoyment, Interest–
PETER BAGGE DISCOVERS KRISHNA
–New Comic “SUNSHINE HAPPY GOOD FUN LOVE” Vastly Less Successful Than Previous Efforts–
SPIDER-MAN FILM TO POSSIBLY FEATURE MERCHANDISING TIE-INS
–Executives Debate Pros, Cons of Risky, Innovative Strategy–
PEANUT FOUND, JUST NOW
–“Just Now I Found A Peanut,” Says “Humor” Columnist–
And That’s The News That Ain’t!
On a personal note, a big BUZZLINE congratulations to noted British Writer ALAN MOORE, who, with his continuous chanting and rituals, at long last successfully raised the Demon Lord Baal from the Void Infernal, only to be unfortunately eviscerated moments later, and then consumed by the Prince of Wounds.
Still, a worthy effort. Keep ’em flying, Alan!