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Dearly Beloved…

We are gathered here 2day 2 get through this thing called life

Atlantic word, “life,” it means 4ever and that’s a mighty long time,

But I’m here 2 tell U something…

There’s something else.

The surface world…

A beautiful world of never-ending consumption and U can always see the surface men

Day or night…

And if the undercurrent tries to break U down,

Get Wavy

And drop a fathom down…!

If U don’t like–the world U’re living in

Take a look around

Least U got fins

I got a hate on

For the whole surface world

Got a big prawn,

For the Invisible Girl,

Hey now are U gonna let the undercurrent take U down?

Oh, no let’s go!

Let’s get way-hey-vey,

Let’s get moist!

Let’s look for the purple sea snake

‘Til the mermaids all rejoice…

[Purple Reign]

NAMORITA: That was a righteous set, cousin!

DORMA: Truly, my love, you were very “rockin.” The crowd was very much “hot!”

PRINCE NAMOR: Screw that, I command thee! How is the Avenging Son’s hair?

DORMA: Your hair is very high, my love.

NAMORITA: It’s the highest in all Atlantis!

DORMA: It piles high like the black smoking towers in the Marianis Trench, and it is ever so greasy, just like the surface man in that movie, this I vow.

NAMOR: …And my pants? R they both tight and feminine? Is the view of my rear simply 2, 2, 2 mouth-watering? Do not attempt 2 lie 2 a scion of Atlantis!

DORMA: Oh, yes, my love. Your trousers both revealing and strangely-womanly…

NAMOR: Ur words reek of deceit!

NAMORITA: No, no, it’s true, cousin. And you totally rocked the room, too!

NAMOR: Well…it is difficult 2 rock this room. While my people r far advanced in many ways beyond the cursed surface-dwellers, it is true that they do not yet understand the meaning of a “dance club.” Little do they understand the value of glitter paint.

ATTUMA: AHA! So the pathetic, weak princeling believes he has a hot band, eh? Sit back and watch how a REAL superstar does it!

MERMAN MC: Ladies and gentleman: ATTUMA AND THE TIME.

ATTUMA: Do the fish! Squack! Hallelujah! Woah woah woah woah!

[Purple Reign --------------]

ABALONE: Hey, man, don’t listen to that big jerk. I really dug your song.

NAMOR: Owwwah! Truly, U r watta-tight, lovesexycool, aiyaya!

ABALONE: My name’s Abalone. I’m a pretty good singer and dancer…maybe you could use me?

Namor hops onto a passing megaladon…

NAMOR: Get on.

[Purple Reign --------------]

ABALONE: This is nice, riding with you, Namor.

NAMOR: I have decreed that I shall now be called the Artist Formerly Known As Prince Namor.

ABALONE: Well…okay. Sorry. You know, at first, I was like all the other Atlanteans–I was confused by your obsession with this bizarre surface-world musician, what with the hair and the ridiculous clothes…

NAMOR: Do not mock the Purple One! Truly does he exemplify the funk!

ABALONE: Yeah, yeah, of course…sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just meant that, now I see that you’re trying to reach out to the young ones…

NAMOR: I command U 2 disrobe and jump in2 the waters of Abyssal Minnetonka!

ABALONE: Let me guess, this is some sort of initiation I need to pass to get into the band, right?

NAMOR: Er…alrightie!

[Purple Reign --------------]

DORMA: Namorita?

NAMORITA: Yes, Dorma.

DORMA: Is the water warm enough?

NAMORITA: Yes, Dorma.

DORMA: Shall we begin?

NAMORITA: Yes, Dorma.

DORMA: I was swimming when I wrote this, forgive me if I go downstream

NAMORITA: But Namor saw this movie and because he is our liege supreme…

NAMOR: …Now U all must dress like pirates, all in puffy shirts and seven-inch heels…

And party on the dance floor like u’re mating with electrical eels…

ALL: Cause they say two thousand zero zero global warming Oops!

Outta time!

And 2night we’re gonna party like it’s nineteen eighty-nine.

[Purple Reign --------------]

NAMOR: For the last time, the Avenging Son shall not play ur stupid songs!

DORMA: But, my love…!

NAMORITA: You know, you can really hurt people. Doesn’t that make you feel like kelp?

NAMOR: …U do not understand. Atlantean youth…they are no longer concerned with the old ways. And because of the brilliance of Prince’s music, I am able to warn them of the dangers of the surface world. Now I command U 2 shut up and look for my mascara.

[Purple Reign --------------]

NAMOR: Dig if u will this picture…

A surface man engaging a net…

Murdering thousands of dolphins

Cowards, my darling, they don’t even need 2 get wet…

Touch if you will my ankles,

Feel my trembling wings

U got 2 wonder how I can manage

2 fly at all on the strength of these dinky-ass things…

How can they just throw their garbage

In2 the shimmering sea?

Why do they worship the rainforest

Why doesn’t Sting do a benefit for me?

Maybe I’m just like my mother,

The surface world I can’t deny…

Why do we war with each other?

This is what is sounds like, when fish fry.

[Purple Reign --------------]

NAMORITA: Cousin! Abalone has been eaten by an eel!

NAMOR: It is sad 2 hear, but the show must go on…IMPERIUS SEX!


NAMOR: I was singing in a show a thousand fathoms below

When she swam her way on up 2 the bar

My hair stood up because, it was just like the buzz

When I plugged in my electric guitar

It seems that she was busy wearin’ something close 2 nothin’

She woulda made a heavenly meal

Deep under the ocean, I got the same notion

As a hornified and hungry eel

Ate by a raspberry moray…

The kind U thought… wouldn’t do U no harm

A raspberry moray…

And isn’t it cruel the way he chewed off her arm…

A raspberry moray…

It ate my lov-oh, oh-ver!

[Purple Reign --------------]

A YABS REMINDER: Thousands of Atlanteans are killed every year by plastic soda can holders. Throw them in the forest, where they belong!

A humongoid Yabs thank you to the mega-talented JACEN BURROWS, artist for DARK BLUE (trade paperback coming this month!)and Warren Ellis’ BAD WORLD. Great job, Jacen, thanks so much! Please check his website at http://www.angelfire.com/sd/PistolWhipped/index.html



Discuss this column on the You’ll All Be Sorry! Message Board.
All characters are ™ & © their respective owners. All Rights Reserved.

You’ll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.

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