They're everywhere...but are they harmless, or do they want to cook your cat in a stew? Marvel's eighth best superteam struggles with this weighty issue!
In this issue of Alpha Flight, our plucky Canucks face their greatest threat ever, in a story so controversial, so SHOCKING, we HAD to call it...
Three figures speed through the Ontario sky, leaving fading colour trails of red, white and black. Two of the flyers are dressed in mirror image outfits of black and white, and the third, wearing a costume with a maple-leaf pattern, carries a figure small enough to be a child in her arms. Using the Metro Toronto Convention Centre as their guidepost, they soar in ever-increasing circles, at last spotting their intended target.
VINDICATOR: There's the source of the disturbance, Judd...down by that office building. Are those robots creating all that havoc?
PUCK: Looks like, Heather. They all seem to be following that goon with the 'HF' intials on his chest. What's HIS story, I wonder...sure got a crowd going.
VINDICATOR: Aurora, Northstar, you've got the best chance of an unobtrusive recon in this situation. Think you can scoot down there and see what's going on without being noticed?
NORTHSTAR: I'm insulted that you'd even imply...
AURORA: But of course we can, Vindicator. We'll do as you ask.
VINDICATOR: Excellent. Do not engage the robot army, is that clear? We'll wait out of sight until the rest of the team arrives.
PUCK: Heather, there could be civilians in that building, eh?
VINDICATOR: Those are my orders, Judd.
PUCK: You're the boss.
VINDICATOR: ...Yes, I am. Jean-Paul, Jeanne-Marie, I want you back here ASAP, agreed? This is real superhero stuff here, not the usual Department H detail. Let's get this right.
NORTHSTAR: As you wish.
VINDICATOR: What did you see, Aurora?
AURORA: The robots are attacking a free clinic, Vindicator. The man leading them appears to be speaking to the crowd of civilians with some sort of hate propaganda. But I don't think we need to worry about subtlety...
AURORA: ...And why is that, exactly?
NORTHSTAR: Because Sasquatch is down there already.
The gargantuan, orange-furred beast known as Sasquatch snarls and growls as the robot army attacks. His massive hands crush one metal cranium after another, and if his opponents had the faculties to do so, they would quake upon seeing the fearsome joy on his face.
He pauses briefly to look up as his teammates approach the battle scene.
SASQUATCH: Nice of you all to join in, Vindicator. Mind you, I could easily handle this lot myself...
PUCK: Leave some for me, Langkowski!
NORTHSTAR: I daresay there are plenty for all.
VINDICATOR: But this makes no sense...why amass a robot army to attack a small clinic?
PUCK: Why not ask the freak with the megaphone, eh?
VINDICATOR: What's that he's got on his...is that a ham on his hand?
PUCK: Well, I'll be...it IS a ham! It looks like a honeybaked ham; ten, maybe twelve pounds...
AURORA: But why would he carry a ham...
VINDICATOR: Wait...wait...he's not carrying it. His hand...
PUCK: Good Lord, he has a fist made out of HAM!
The impressive, ham-fisted man with the megaphone, ignoring the destruction of his robots, addresses the crowd passionately...
HAMFIST: GOOD PEOPLE OF CANADA! I come hear today to denounce a grave evil amongst us! An evil so grave that it must be rooted out and DESTROYED!
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Well, even thought he's a lunatic with a fist made out of ham, I'm willing to listen to his grievances.
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #2: The ham somehow makes his message more compelling, that's for sure.
HAMFIST: This...'clinic'...fosters and supports and nurtures the greatest threat to our society and way of life that our proud nation has ever faced!
TOKEN CROWD MEMBER #1: Hey, Mr. Supervillain! Tell us what this horrible threat is so that we can form an angry mob!
Still locked in furious battle with the dwindling robot army, the members of Alpha Flight manage to carry on a normal conversation, which is pretty damn stupid when you think about it...
VINDICATOR: I don't like this...he's got those people ready to riot...
SASQUATCH: We have the lamest villains ever.
HAMFIST: Yes, good people, listen and listen well to me, for my hand is made of pork and is double-smoked! This clinic harbors those deviants engaged in the more heinous, un-natural act of all: BISEXUALITY! *— Sensuous Stan