A film adaptation of Artemis Fowl has been in the works since even before the 2001 release of author Eoin Colfer’s YA fantasy novel, cycling through numerous writers and directors before moving from Miramax to Disney, and finally ending up in the hands of Kenneth Branagh. Even then, Branagh’s film has been finished since 2018, bouncing around the schedule and eventually shifting from a theatrical release to a streaming premiere on Disney+, where it arrives Friday with little fanfare.
The question of who, precisely, has been awaiting this movie is difficult to answer, though, because the very loose adaptation of the first book in Colfer’s series (along with some elements of the second) isn’t likely to appeal to dedicated fans. Meanwhile, viewers unfamiliar with the novels will likely wonder what all the fuss is about. Although it’s been on the shelf for two years, Artemis Fowl feels like an even older relic, something from the post-Harry Potter frenzy when studios grabbed up any YA fantasy property they could find, churning out generic franchise dead ends like Eragon and Inkheart.
Like those movies, Artemis Fowl is DOA, unlikely to ever pay off the plot threads it sets in motion for potential sequels. While Colfer’s novels are known for starring a devious antihero who eventually opens up emotionally, the Artemis Fowl of the movie (played by newcomer Ferdia Shaw) is a typical spunky movie kid, a 12-year-old who’s labeled a genius but mainly only wishes he could spend more time with his frequently absent father, also named Artemis Fowl (Colin Farrell). The Fowls of the novels are a family of ruthless criminals, and the movie (written by Conor McPherson and Hamish McColl) hints that the elder Artemis is some sort of art thief, although there’s no explanation for his illicit actions, nor even any confirmation that he’s guilty of the crimes of which he's accused.
The film opens with the authorities and the media surrounding the sprawling Fowl Manor in Ireland, where they hope to apprehend Artemis Sr. Instead, they end up with Mulch Diggums (Josh Gad), a gruff, heavily bearded fellow who claims to be a dwarf (albeit a human-sized one). Whisked away to a secret MI6 holding facility (in scenes that, for some reason, are shot in black and white), Mulch narrates the story of Artemis and his dad, recounting it to an unseen interrogator. Gad, who’s known primarily for goofy musicals and goofier comedies, puts on a gravelly voice that's intended to make Mulch appear dangerous, but mostly just sounds like Frozen’s Olaf trying to act tough.
As Mulch tells it, young Artemis grew up hearing stories of fantastical creatures from his father that turn out to be true. When Artemis’ dad is kidnapped by a mysterious hooded figure, the boy springs into action with the help of his trusted butler, named ... Butler (Nonso Anozie). He's the Alfred to Artemis’ Bruce Wayne, supplying him with cool gadgets and a snazzy new outfit so that he can put his confusing, poorly defined master plan into motion: Capture a fairy named Holly Short (Lara McDonnell) so that Artemis can use her as bait to bring in the authorities from the underground magical realm known as Haven City, who will then give him an all-powerful magical device to use as ransom for his father.
It’s a hopelessly convoluted plot that doesn’t get any clearer, relying far more on the history among the various magical characters than it does on Artemis, who frequently becomes a bystander in his own movie. Artemis wears a cool suit and a sunglasses (which protect against fairy mind control, of course), but he doesn’t actually do much, instead depending on the magic and fighting skills of the characters around him -- and Shaw frequently gets lost among the special effects and his more charismatic co-stars. Despite setting up this fantastical world beneath our own, Artemis Fowl spends most of its time inside Fowl Manor while it’s under siege from the magical authorities known as LEPRecon, led by Commander Root (Judi Dench, looking even more ridiculous than she did in Cats).
Directed by Branagh in his anonymous-blockbuster mode (familiar from Thor, Cinderella and Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit), Artemis Fowl is full of busy-looking effects that signify nothing, serving only to distract from the numerous dropped plot elements and inconsistent characters. Why does the movie make a big deal of Butler recruiting his 12-year-old niece Juliet (Tamara Smart) to team up with Artemis, only to barely give her any lines or screen time? What is the actual function of the magical MacGuffin that everyone is after? Why did Artemis’ dad steal all of that artwork? Those questions are never answered, but they’re also not given enough significance for the audience to care about the answers, anyway.
With a run time of 95 minutes, Artemis Fowl is much shorter than the typical franchise-launching studio movie, and it’s easy to imagine a bunch of outtakes on a hard drive somewhere that fill in at least some of the plot holes. However, it’s difficult to envision anyone being interested enough to want to see those outtakes after watching this movieh.
Starring Ferdia Shaw, Lara McDonnell, Josh Gad, Nonso Anozie, Colin Farrell and Judi Dench, Artemis Fowl arrives Friday on Disney+.