www.cbr.com

13 Questions - Robert KanigherDear Kady Mae

An informal visit with Grant Morrison

by Barb Lien

When I first found out that I'd be interviewing GrantMorrison at Wizard World, I got a bit nervous, as I'm a big fan of his. Most people are fans of Grant's writing, and I am, too, but also I like how hedrinks. He's like a modern-day Bob Eubanks. No, not Bob Eubanks…who is that guy who drinks a lot? He was in a book? Not likea Stephen King book…more like a book by one of the Dickens brothers. Like in Good Expecations. Or a book by Hemmingway, like Moby Dick. He's likesomeone in that book who drinks. Like Robert Burns or Wink Martindale. No, not Wink Martindale. He's not abig drinker. But you get the idea. He looks really cool when he's passed out.

Second, I like the way he talks. He's like a Scotsman who is trying to speak English or something. He reminds me of my hamster if my hamsterwas from Scotsland. So soft and warm and snuggly! Pwetty widdle fluffykins!!! I miss my hamster the MOST.

Third, I like the way he looks wearing pants and stuff. He looks like someone who would really UNDERSTAND me, I mean, understand writing. He lookslike someone who would understand writing. And me. One look at his pants and I felt a real connection. He's got really good taste in pants. I could get lostlooking at those pants. I really feel like his pants see through this façade into the heart of me. I mean, his readers. Excuse me a moment, I have to get adrink of water.

Back. Okay, fourth, even though we haven't spoken, in my fantasies he has a marvelous sense of humor and a deft yet bold touch and isn't afraid to sit back and let a womanwatch tv and order take-out. So few men these days are comfortable with that, and it's a pleasure to meet someone who is brave and noble and wearing pants. Imean, I assume it would be. This is my first time out of the house in six years.

Fifth, he's a gifted storyteller. Anyone who has read his Animal Manor Invisibles, or drawn thousands of pictures of him dressed as a Viking would know that Grant Morrison is the REAL deal. Evenhis feet smell nice, at least in theory.

My time with Grant was over far too soon. He was witty, charming, then apprehensive, then a bit concerned, then he started getting really nervous and had thatLOOK in his eyes, like he was scared or something, then right back to witty and charming again when the security people showed up. I could have asked himquestions all day, and in fact I would have had he not given me the slip by jumping out the window of the men's restroom.

So, sixth, he's CLEVER.


Sequential Tarts: Thanks for agreeing to thisinterview, Grant…It's totally hot of you, I mean, it'sreal real nice. REALLY! Now, let's start off with aquestion about sexuality. How do you feel about girl comics fans?Especially interviewers? Tell about how you feeltowards girl interviewers. Be as descriptive as youlike, I won't mind.

Grant Morrison: Eh?

Sequential Tarts: Finish this sentence…I thinkgirl interviewers are sexy because…

Grant Morrison: Uh…I'm not available, you know.

Sequential Tarts:

Grant Morrison: I mean…sorry, but I thought wewere going to talk about my work…? Eh, are you allright?

Sequential Tarts: I'm not crying about that! I'mthinking of SOMETHING ELSE and it's VERY SAD and Ijust started crying!

Grant Morrison: May I ask why you've drawn ourintitial all over your sketchpad with hearts all'round?

Sequential Tarts: Those aren't our initials! It'sfor a test at school! These are my crib notes! Andit's an ANATOMY test and that's why I drew all thosehearts! And the cupids are there because I have aPOETRY test later that same day...HONEST.

Grant Morrison: Oh. Hmm...time's reallyflown...perhaps we couldreschedule?

Sequential Tarts: Oh, you'd LIKE that, wouldn'tyou? You make me SICK! I HATE YOU!!! BURN IN HELL,MORRISON!

Grant Morrison: I don't even KNOW you!!!

Sequential Tarts: I'm sorry! Oh, god I'msorry, Grant! Let's never quarrel again! Look! I bakedyou some banana nut bread in the shape of King Mob'shead!

Next week, part two of my exclusive interview withGrant Morrison, featuring me asking Grant about whatcolor kitchen he might like to have in our dreamhouse!

Hope he lives, unlike my hamster!

by Katherine Keller

Robert Kanigher rocks so HARD, he's rockety rock rock.SGT. Rock. PET Rock. ACID ROCK! He's written thousandsof comics, featuring top pops like Metal Men, and…someothers. I met him at a shopping mall and blocked thedoorway with my cart til he answered some hard-hittingwet-dream slam-bang questions! He's real real handsomein a great great grandpa way...I found Bobrob tobe smart, funny, strange, mind-blowing and turn it upturn it up go wild FREAK OUT!

1) Hey na na na na sha BOOM! I dig you the MOST,hep mature Kanigher Kat! Of all the characters you'veworked on, which is your fave rave early grave?

Well, I suppose it would be Sgt.Rock.

2) Pierced nipples or au natural?

What? SPEAK UP!

3) If you were king of Mars, what kind ofgovernment would you set up?

Here now, young lady…I thought you weregoing to ask me about being a WRITER.

4) If you had to marry the devil, who would play"Here Comes The Bride?" KORN or METALLICA?

If I had to…now, stop this foolishness atonce, or I'm going to yell for thepolice!

5) Stump rump flumpy gump!

Now, that's not even a properQUESTION…

6) What was it like working with comics legend JoeKubert?

Eh? Oh, well, since you've asked anintelligent question, I'll respond in a like fashion. Joe Kubert and I didn't always agree, but I alwaysrespected him, and I have no reason to believe hedidn't feel the same way about me. I could TRUST him.He was an artist in a way these new kids don't fullyunderstand. I felt no compunction about asking him todraw a "lonely tree" or a "mournful sky." I rememberone time, in an Our Army At War story, I asked Joe to.

7) Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater! If you did Madonna,would you beat 'er?

All right. I've had enough of this. Moveyour cart, Miss.

8) If you were a thousand feet tall, and couldwear any kind of hat you wanted...derby or beret?

Leave me alone!

9) If you had to kiss BECK on the mouth, what doyou think his tongue would smell like?

Please! I'm an old man! Let me by!

10) What country has grosser people, France or Belgium?

My foot is caught in your cart! Ow! Ow!Stop it!!!

11) Wasn't CHEMO a BUTTFACE?!

OWWW!!!

12) Ginger or Mary Ann? Assuming you're straight, I mean?

13) Woah! Did you faint?

14-16) Shit...did anyone SEE that? Am I in trouble? Does anyone know C.P.R.?

NEXT WEEK: KATHERINE ASKS THIRTEEN QUESTIONS OF THE NICE OFFICER WHO ARRESTED HER! ROCK ON!!!

Are you angry at the world? Filled with bile and hate and rage? Want to just lash out at someone till their red red blood flows like wine? Wouldn't it be nice if someone cared?

I sure don't! But write me anyway! I'm Kady Mae, and I'm here to make you laugh, even though your letters are so goddamn STUPID!


Dear Kady Mae,

I don't know where to turn. My life is just a hopelessmishmash. It's a struggle just to get up in themorning. My family hates me, my boss doesn't respectme, and I'm so very alone. I honestly don't know how Ican make it another day.

- Needs help and understanding

Dear Needs Help,

Go to Hell. Do us all a favor and kill yourself now.

- Kady Mae

Dear Kady Mae,

My favorite comic is Authority. I'm really enjoying its skewed take on superheroes. Do you like Authority?

- Likes Authority in NYC

Dear NYC,

If you love Authority so much, why don't you marry them? And shut up while you're at it!

- Kady Mae

Dear Kady Mae,

My name is cody Im six years old. I like comics. I don't get your colum it seems like its supposed to be funny or something but I don't get the joke part. One time I acid aksid akxid mistaked bought an issue of Preacher and my mom sent me to a deprogrammer. Shesaid she was afraid my mind was rooned. I like the name of your web sight cause Sweet Tarts are my favoirit candy after chukles will you be my friend?

- Cody Likes Chukles and Wolverine

Dear Cody,

You stink and your mom's a whore. You'll never be truly happy.

- Kady Mae

KADY MAE'S HALL OF SHAME:

My FATHER, my MOTHER, my SISTER (let her BURNFOREVER), my UNCLE, my THERAPIST, my HIGH SCHOOL GYMTEACHER (may she ROT in HELL!), my REPUGNANTEX-BOYFRIEND WHO DOESN'T EVEN DESERVE ME, oh, god, Imiss him so. Maybe he'll take me back if I let himdate other women? Maybe I should call him…do youthink I should call him? What if he just laughs at meand hangs up? What if that other woman answers? I'mnot gonna call him. Oh, god…I'm calling him. That'sit. It's time to swallow my pride. Hello? Is Philthere? Well, when do you think he'll be back? Why doyou need to know who this is? All right all right,it's me, Kady Mae. What do you mean he doesn't want totalk to me? Can't I just…now, listen, I just wantto TALK to him...goddammit!

That REALLY PISSES ME OFF!!!

Good thing I still have this bag of hair from his hairbrush!

Til next time, sweeties!

- Kady Mae

How do I describe Lisa Webster? Well, she's fresh,kicky, happy-go-lucky, and the owner of 18 cats! SinceLisa is me, and I'm the world's authority on me, Iguess I'll be asking MYSELF this month's hard-hittingquestions, cause no one else was available! So, settleback, and MEET LISA WEBSTER! :)

Lisa, what do the Tarts mean to you?

Oh, the Tarts are great. So smart andwitty and well-dressed. It's an honor to be a Tart!And my kitties love the Tarts, too. They're like kittyTarts, honestly, cause they take no dookie fromanyone, just like their mommy!

That's great, Lisa. So you're enjoying yournewfound respect and acceptance here?

Very much so! It's a pleasure to beaffiliated with a site where comics are discussed sointelligently. And everyone here has been wonderful tome. It's a cliche, but they really made me feel likeone of the family.

...And you would NEVER do anything to hurtyour new friends, would you?

Of COURSE not! Hey, aren't you SUPPOSEDto be asking me questions like, "WCW or WWF?" or "Hotfudge vs. Strawberry"? What's with all thesequestions about whether or not I like ithere?

All right, all right. KingdomCome or Marvels?

Oh, I guess I'd have to take Marvels there...I enjoyed KC, but Marvels was just more fulfilling for me!

That's nice.

Do you have another question, Interviewer Lisa?

Yes, Interviewee Lisa. I DO have another question. Interviewee Lisa, you'd NEVER set fire to the Tarts' office building, would you?

What? No! Of COURSE not! Why, the very IDEA!

Even to see the yellOw oRange ReD firE go CRackleCracKLE cRAckLE?

...No...never. Please, let's just moveon...that was a LONG time ago. I'm BETTER now.

IaN wAnts to TaLk to yOU, LisA...I'm goINg AWaY NoW, baCK TO tHe DARk PLacE. I'm SORRY, LiSA. SO SoRRy!

NO! Please! Not IAN!!!

Heh...too late, Little Lisa! It's yer ol' pal, IAN!!! Long time, no viddy! Now, I'm gonna ask ye some PROPER questions and ye'd BETTER GET THEM RIGHT, I WARNS ye!!!

Yes, o Great Lord of the Raging Conflagration...I hear and obey...I hear and obey...

Can yez recite the DARK OATH OF THE SACRED ASH, Lisa? And what's better, Deep Space Nine or Babylon 5?

Next month: Honorary Tart Squeaky Fromme!


Sequential Tart and the Sequential Tart logo is © 1999 SequentialTart.com. All Rights Reserved.

Gaiman & Kubert's Explanation for Batman's Immortality Is Perfect (and Nuts)

More in CBR Exclusives