The patients: The Jameson family. J. Jonah Jameson, son John Jameson and niece Mattie Franklin. Jonah's wife Marla Madison has issued the family an ultimatum that they receive counseling for their dysfunctions or she's leaving. Marla was unavailable for this session due to a traffic jam cause by an unrelated Skrull invasion of New York.
Hello, I'm Dr. Faustus. I want you all to feel safe here. And admitting you have a problem is the first step towards healing.
Wait a minute, aren't you evil?
Yeah, but he works cheap and he once fought Spider-Man. Go on Doc, cure 'em! You got a ray or a gas or something?
Us? Uncle Jonah's the one with issues!
Sounds like someone's got her dice out and is ready to play the blame game. You're Mattie Franklin, also known as Spider Woman.
Real original name huh doctor?
No, you shut up!
You see doc, this is what the house has been like since John moved back in.
Just until I get back on my feet.
My file says you're John Jameson, also known as Man Wolf.
I prefer to be called Star God.
What? People in another dimension call me Star God and worship me as a hero for saving their world, all right?
Is this like the time you had that "girlfriend" in Canada?
She was real she was um... Guardian.
Guardian's a guy.
What? I thought that was Vindicator.
Maybe it was Puck.
Now, now. Yelling is what we do when we're afraid to hug. Mattie why don't you share your feelings?
Well, this morning I went to my room and all my Spider-Man posters were torn down.
I replaced them.
With posters of Shawn Cassidy and Bobby Darrin!
That's what you kids like nowadays right? I read Pizzazz Magazine!
That got cancelled in the 70s.
What? I had shares in that! How's Dynamite doing?
The real problem is Uncle Jonah is obsessed with Spider-Man!
Look at today's Daily Bugle.
This headline, "SPIDER-MAN WORSE THAN HITLER OR JUST WORSE THAN DRACULA?" It does seem a little over the top.
For a story about the garbage strike.
And check out Garfield. He changed him from saying, "I hate Mondays" to "I hate Spider-Man".
How do you know that was me? Maybe Jim Davis hates Spider-Man, too.
Oh right, like Jim Davis still does the strip.
Why don't we talk about the stresses that you as a newly fused family are going through...
Jonah, you seem defensive.
What do you mean?
You're wearing a full suit of armor.
He hollowed out a Spider Slayer robot he had in basement and wears it everywhere now.
It's the only way I can afford to get insurance. When you've been kidnapped 128 times your deductible goes through the roof. You know who I blame?
He saved you each time Dad!
Yeah, well he probably set them all up.
See Doctor, if he were any more biased he could work for Fox News!
How do you respond to this Jonah? Jonah? What have you got there? Are you going through your mail?
Sorry doc, I'm a busy man, gotta multi-task! Let's see bill, bill, request from an evil scientist to help genetically alter a convict. Brother, you help create 3 or 4 supervillains and you're on a mailing list you'll never get off of. Huh? So what's the good work doc? We done here? They cured?
Jonah, it's obvious to me that both your son and niece crave attention from you that you're not giving them. Your focus is always on Spider-Man.
John, a respected astronaut turned, as many young people do, to stealing in the hopes of getting attention.
Hey, I didn't steal that stone on the moon, I found it. And um...just didn't tell NASA. It was a souvenir. Lots of astronauts do it. Buzz Aldrin has a Martian corpse over his fireplace.
JOHN Okay, I stole it.
And then when it changed him, to get your attention he became the Spider-Man villain Werewolf By Night.
I thought it was Star God!
Shut up! That is so like this lycanthrophobic society, lumping us all together. You don't call Dad Perry White do you?
I didn't mean to offend...
Werewolf by Night. What a stupid name. I mean what else would you be? Werewolf by Morning? Werewolf by Brunch? I have to kill the thing I love the most, but first some eggs benedict and a champagne orange juice spritzer!
Mattie, you dress up as and named yourself after the person your uncle hates the most. A clear cry for attention.
I can stick to walls, have bio-electric blasts, can fly, can create energy webs, have clairvoyance, telepathy, precognition, the ability to sense psionic powers in others, incredible strength and extra legs. What else would I call myself?
Overkill? Mish Mash?
It's like she was bitten by a whole deck of radioactive Pokemon at the same time!
You just have power envy. Look at me, I have the ability to clog up the shower drain with my fur! All hail the Star God!
And don't forget the time she turned to drugs.
You took drugs?
No she was turned into drugs.
I think we're getting off point here. Jonah, do you see where I'm going? Your family loves you and the more you turn your focus elsewhere the more they will take extreme measures to earn your love. Like I say in my book, "Self Matterz"...
That's Dr. Phil's book.
I spell mine with a "z." I'm an evil psychiatrist who laughs in the face of copyright law! Can I get on with the healing?
Give your love freely Jonah. Don't make your family earn it.
I think I see what you mean doctor. I feel like I'm not just hearing. For the first time... I'm listening.
It's Spider-Man's fault.
A buzzer rings.
Sigh. Sure, whatever. Spider-Man's fault. What a bastard. Time's up.
We're done! Get out!
Thanks doc! And curse you Spider-Man!
Jonah, John and Mattie leave. Medusa and Black Bolt enter.
He just won't talk to me anymore.
A BIG YABS thanks to one of the funniest people in comics (or any other industry), IAN BOOTHBY, for this week's Yabs. Ian is the critically-acclaimed regular writer for SIMPSONS COMICS, as well as the writer of this year's excellent Simpsons/Futurama crossover. A sequel to that book is coming soon, I'm told, and people visiting Canada will be able to see his improvised play "The New Adventures of Hamlet" starting next week. Also, his sit-com pilot Space Arm is available for viewing at www.spacearm.tv
The Savage Critic says of Ian, "If I were looking for someone to write "funny" Boothby would be the first call I would make."
Ian's a riot. Thanks, buddy!
GailYou'll All Be Sorry! is a satire published by Comic Book Resources, and is not intended maliciously. CBR has invented all names and situations in its stories, except in cases when public figures are being satirized. Any other use of real names is accidental and coincidental, or used as a fictional depiction or personality parody (permitted under Hustler Magazine v. Fallwell, 485 US 46, 108 S.Ct 876, 99 L.Ed.2d 41 (1988)). CBR makes no representation as to the truth or accuracy of the preceeding information.