Every comic book lover would give anything to live in the Marvel or DC Universe. It’s the ultimate nerd fantasy, getting to live amongst the world’s greatest superheroes, maybe even fighting alongside them if we’re taking the fantasy even further. Of course, science and reason will usually dash any hope for real superheroes to exist. But when you really get down to it, that might be a good thing, since most superheroes would be dicks in real life. Now, we’re not saying that these heroes aren’t, well, heroic, just that they might not be the easiest people to deal with in real life.
First off, there’s the usual argument of collateral damage — the notion that living in a world of superheroes would mean the city, or sometimes just your car, is at risk of being destroyed at all hours of the day. Nothing would be safe and a superhuman fight could break out at any minute, you’d be on edge 24/7! And that’s just the experience you’d have with all superheroes, some in particular would just be the absolute worst in real life. Which superheroes exactly? CBR has put together a list of the 16 superheroes who would be THE WORST to deal with in real life.
16. IRON FIST
In the wake of the disaster that is Netflix’s Iron Fist, most people already don’t care for Danny Rand. Be it his status as a “white savior” trope, or his whole “white dude spouting Asian philosophy” thing, Danny’s kind of the worst. If you met him in real life, both as a hero and as his regular self, you’d hate the guy.
Danny Rand comes off like the type of rich kid who cant stop telling you all about his “enlightening trip to the east” where he backpacked through the mountains and learned the ways of the people. Seriously all his conversations probably start with “When I was in Asia,” and end with “They have such an interesting culture.” And let’s not forget he pulls the ultimate hipster move, the EXTRA deep v-neck on his costume.
15. BOOSTER GOLD
This one’s not exactly specific to Booster Gold’s personality, but more so about him being from the future. As cool as it might sound to use advanced technology and knowledge of the future to become the greatest superhero, the result would be catastrophic. Not only is Booster smug, he’d constantly be changing the course of the future both through his actions and his stupidity, which we’re sure might result in him revealing “spoilers” for the future.
Then of course, there’s Goldstar Inc., the company that Booster and his agent created to promote and profit off of his heroics. How jaded would we all become to the sight of aisles and aisles of Booster Gold toys. His dumb face would be everywhere! Not to mention he’d probably have movie deals going and we’d all get treated to a new horrible Booster Gold film every year. Sounds like a real blast.
14. THE FANTASTIC FOUR
As science adventurers, the Fantastic Four aren’t bad, since their exploits tend to be away from bystanders and civilians, but as superheroes, Marvel’s first family would be a disaster. Let’s examine the members one-by-one, shall we? We all love Ben Grimm and he definitely got the short end of the cosmic radiation stick, but you couldn’t bring The Thing anywhere without breaking several pieces of furniture.
Johnny Storm’s flying would be the worst since he would set everything on fire any time he went across down. Susan Storm’s invisible forcefields are just that, invisible. You’d constantly be walking or driving into her invisible walls. You know when you run into the sliding glass door because it’s too clean? Yeah, like that, but on a much bigger scale. Lastly, Reed Richards’ stretching powers might not be dangerous, but they’re sure as hell super gross.
It’s not like anyone really likes Aquaman in the comics, but let’s just say he could be a lot worse. If Aquaman existed in real life he’d be absolutely unbearable to deal with. Think about it, what is the usual interaction between Aquaman and the surface world outside of the Justice League? He’s usually destroying ships or oil rigs. Don’t get us wrong, we’re all for protecting the oceans, but imagine hanging out with that guy.
Every conversation with Aquaman would be about saving the dolphins or how the planet is dying. Again, we’re all for saving the Earth, but even the most hardcore environmentalist can go five minutes without talking about saving the planet. Plus, we’re 100% Aquaman would smell like fish. Just sayin’.
From a writing perspective, the fact that Cyclops’ optic blasts cannot be controlled without the use of special glasses is an interesting aspect. However, in real life, that would be so nerve-racking. The structural integrity of every building near Scott Summers is reliant on how well his glasses stay on. What if the frames are loose? What if his nose is sweaty? Wear a sports-band for god’s sake, man!
Let’s not forget how self-destructive the guy is, too. He’s constantly falling for just the worst women and he’d probably be a real drag at parties, always turning every conversation into one about his dead wife who just came back to life. He’s also such a “woe is me” case about his powers, so he’d constantly remind you why he wears his glasses. Seriously, Cyclops would have absolutely no friends in real life.
Superman would definitely be one of the worst offenders of the whole collateral damage aspect of real-life superheroes. He gets knocked through buildings and destroys property with a wave of his hand. Not to mention, no car is safe from his watch, since the guy’s go-to move is tossing a car at a bad guy. It’s the cover of his first appearances for crying out loud! And that’s not the worst of it.
Alright, hear us out here. In real life, we’d all figure out that Clark Kent is Superman in a heartbeat. But, since mister demigod likes pretending he’s “just like us,” he might just force us all to pretend back. We’d all have to ignore the obvious signs that Superman and Clark are one in the same lest the Man of Steel stops using his powers for good.
10. THE HULK
This one’s an obvious one, since The Hulk is literally a force of destruction, but the worst part would be the fear of the Hulk. No one would ever be relaxed! Even the most soothing massage wouldn’t be enough to unclench your body, since the fear that Hulk might come smashing through the building like a buff, green Kool-Aid Man would always in the back of your head.
Plus, think about Bruce Banner in real life. If everything knew he was The Hulk, it would be a nightmare to try to interact with the guy. Any interns working in the same lab would be so afraid of messing up his coffee order or forgetting to clean the lab equipment. Hard to tell what’s worse, the Hulk, or the idea that he might show up at any minute.
9. THE FLASH
Much like Superman and The Hulk, the Flash would be the worst in everyday city life. You’re trying to go about your day, but at any point a blur of red and yellow could rush past you, bringing gale force winds in his wake. That’s just the tip of the iceberg too! There’s also the whole time traveling thing. Both Barry Allen and Wally West have shown the ability to travel through time, which isn’t a good thing.
Time travel is a dangerous power on its own, but put it in the hands of superheroes? Forget about it. Barry Allen, especially on the CW show, is just THE WORST when it comes to time travel. He’s so irresponsible, creating entire new universes because he broke the one superhero rule: don’t use your powers for personal gain. He’s a scientist, he should know better!
8. CAPTAIN AMERICA
Captain America’s “man out of time” premise makes for a lot of great moments, as seen in Captain America: The Winter Soldier, but we need to take a closer look at his background. A lot of people tend to idolize Cap’s original time period as the great years of America, but the country had different values during WWII, and Steve Rogers was pretty proud to be an American. There were different social norms and standards in Cap’s time, not to mention the civil rights movement had yet to happen.
Basically, what we’re trying to say is, Cap might be a little too patriotic, having older views that you might not agree with that he can and will fight for. It’s like if an old dude who constantly said “back in my day” had peak physical strength and could kick your ass for not following the ways of WWII-era America.
7. TEEN TITANS
The first thing we need to address is Titans Tower. Not only is it an eyesore, but, without knowing who pays for it, people of might assume the city is, and that would definitely be a hot debate topic. Further, the fact that the Titans are on an island separate from the city means it would take them a good while to get to the scene of the crime. Seriously, how do they even stop crime when they have to cross water to get there?
Gaudy towers aside, the Titans themselves would be a handful. Not only are these teenagers with superpowers — already a dangerous combination — but they’re teenagers who, seemingly don’t go to school. So hormonally-fueled teenagers who make all their decisions with their emotions and are terribly uneducated are gonna protect the city? No thanks, we’ll pass on that.
The two biggest problems with Spider-Man in real life are his villains and his webbing. Most, if not all, of Spider-Man’s bad guys have a deep-seeded personal vendetta against the wall-crawler. Meaning, most Spider-villain attacks are because of Spider-Man. Sure, there might be a few more bank robberies and the like if Spidey weren’t around, but it’s not a bad tradeoff to avoid attacks by crazed animal-powered wackos.
Then, there’s the webbing. In most iterations, Spidey’s webbing is nearly indestructible and only comes off after dissolving over time. What if you get “rescued” by a web, and you’re stuck for an hour till it falls apart and you hit the ground anyway. Or what about the cops? Do they just have to wait around for an hour until the webbed bad guys can be taken in? Sounds like a real hassle.
5. THE POWER RANGERS
The original Mighty Morphin Power Rangers series was weird. There’s no other way to put it. The combination of old Japanese footage with spliced-in American actors made for some weird write-arounds in order to make a cohesive plot, and we use the term “cohesive” loosely. In other words, having the Rangers around in real life would be a wild ride.
Not only do they attract strange enemies on a weekly basis — we don’t think you want Bryan Cranston-voiced reptile monsters in your life — but they also destroy half the city with their robot fights. Nearly every one of their battles escalates into a fight with the Megazord, which just straight up knocks stuff over with every movement. Plus, the Power Rangers always have to do weird poses while they fight. If you got rescued and then your saviors did choreographed poses, you might feel a little uncomfortable.
4. IRON MAN
First and foremost, let’s start with the obvious reason why Iron Man would suck in real life: his drinking. Though it has been a while since “Demon In a Bottle,” the idea that an alcoholic has access to a compact flying arsenal is not a comforting one. Heck, anyone having access to advanced military-level technology is scary, and a spoiled rich playboy is not our first choice for that kind of responsibility.
Then, of course, there’s the fact that Tony builds all his suits. It’s never been exactly clear just how much Iron Man tests his technology. Sure, he’s a scientist, and we’re sure he does proper calculations and the like, but who’s to say that while Iron Man is saving the day that his amor won’t explode with the power of a nuclear bomb? Maybe Tony should put his brains to use in more constructive ways.
Wolverine is, without a doubt, a cool character with unique powers and a ruff, gruff, old-man cowboy personality about him. However, it’s that personality that would be the main problem if he really existed. First off, Wolverine has been through so much and been injured so many times that he just doesn’t care anymore. He wouldn’t exactly be the most social person if he lives through traumatic experiences that would kill others.
Furthermore, his whole hard-drinking, cigar-smoking, tough guy routine would get old after a while. Nobody wants to hang around a guy who smells like cheap cigars and beer, especially not if he calls everyone “bub” nonstop. Plus, it seems like anything could set Logan off into a berserker rage, so we’re guessing he wouldn’t have many friends in real life.
Batman does a lot of good for Gotham City, there’s no doubt about that… 0r is there? Let’s analyze what Bruce Wayne does: he dresses up in bat armor, embezzles his company’s funds into top-secret bat-themed crime-fighting technology and punches mentally-ill people on the streets. Yeah… that sounds like more like a menace than a hero, especially since Bruce Wayne can do a lot more for Gotham than his alter ego.
Think about it, if Bruce Wayne really existed, he would be a wealthy playboy who seemingly does nothing as insane criminals tear apart the city. The best way for Bruce Wayne to avenge his parents is to use his wealth and company to stimulate the economy and job market to raise the general welfare in Gotham. But no, instead, we get a grown man prancing around in a bat costume. Yeah, that’ll solve the everything.
Maybe it’s a bit up in the air whether or not Deadpool is truly a superhero, but regardless, he’d still be the WORST in real life, and not just because he’s hard to look at. Sure, he’s a barrel of laughs when you’re reading comics about him, but he’d be the most annoying person on the planet if he really existed.
Just look at how other superheroes react to him. People who we’ve just proven are already terrible, think Deadpool is the worst. Do you really want that guy running around real life cracking jokes and breaking reality. Think about, too, what happens when Deadpool escapes his fantasy world, comes into ours, and continues to talk to a nonexistent audience. It would drive you mad! You’d be questioning whether or not this really is real life… wait… is it? Oh god, is anything real?!
Did we miss a hero who would suck to be around? Head to the comments section and let us know!
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