I could do them as fan fic, but blogging is nerdy enough for me, thanks. Here’s some fake solicitation copy/pitches to hype them up. Best I can muster with Puzzle Quest calling my name.
*Not that I don’t enjoy them. But, you know, I like to be up front with my shamless pandering.
All comics colored by Dave Stewart unless otherwise noted.
1. OMAC and Devil Dinosaur
64 pg. 1 Shot (When the first shot is this insane, you don’t need another), no ads
Art by Tom Scioli (OMAC solo sequences), Darwyn Cooke, J. Bone and Dave Stewart (Devil Dinosaur solo sequences and sequences where the Howling Commandos tear ass around Hypertime recruiting ever single group of Boy Commandoes Kirby and Simon ever created to help them defeat Glorious Godfrey and Hitler in the coolest subplot ever!), Mike Mignola (the finale!)
Covers by Steve Rude
Special Variant Cover by James Jean
Super Secret Variant Di-Cut Cover Where OMAC’s flat top literally bristles off the thing
It is what it says. OMAC and Devil meet, fight, team up, fight again. A climatic double page spread of a giant OMAC and Devil kicking each other leads to ten blank pages, because nothing can top that. Also; Moon Boy falls in love with a build a girlfriend thing but then gets eaten by this animal, mineral, vegetable thing.
2. Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Batman
4 issue mini and/or 120 pg. GN
Art by Ryan Sook (a Buffy and Batman alumn!) and JH Williams III and Mick Gray (who do some flashback scenes or something)
Covers by Mike Mignola, Adam Hughes, Frank Quitely, and Art Adams
Giant Canvas Painting by James Jean (1 in 1,000,000 variant! Order early, shops!)
The Plot: Set during Season 3 of Buffy. Batman tracks R’as Al Ghul to a small town in California, the scene of his latest plot. He’s working with someone nearly as old as he is this time; Angellus.
Not being a fan of mystical mumbo jumbo, the Dark Knight knows even he’s a bit in over his head here and calls on his old friend from his days as a world traveller; Rupert Giles. That leads to a confrontation with the one person in the world not intimidated by him; a smart assed 17 year old with a chip on her shoulder and super powers. They team up and take down R’as and and Angel. Spike makes fun of everyone in the background.
So yes, fan fic. But on an epic scale! Especially when all of the Bat Family meet the Scoobies. I have this great sequence where Xander flirts with the Cassie Cain Batgirl when she’s mute. Cordelia would wind up sleeping with Nightwing, because they’re both overcompensating for something (no one else got that from Cordy? Anyone? Do I have to go to Scans Daily now?). Also, Willow and Oracle team up for hot red head nerd girl hacker action! This damn thing would be like printing money.
3. The Punisher and the Licensed Toy Comics Universe
12 issue maxi series, 32 pages a piece except for triple sized finale
Art by Steve Dillon (Punisher, G.I. Joe, and all people who aren’t toys), Pat Lee (Transformers, because that is literally all he can draw, and all of his proceeds go to inkers who he shafted), Michael Golden (the Micronauts), Sal Buscema (ROM), Tim Seeley (Frank vs. Cobra Commander, Serpentor bare knuckle boxing match and special Cassie Hack cameo), Amanda Conner (Barbie meets the Pro interlude that would ensure even is this weren’t a legal nightmare, it would not get published), Richard Corben (Thundercats)… I’m too tired to keep doing this, but there’d be like a million pencillers.
Covers by Tim Bradstreet (A) and Jim Mahfood (B)
Special Variant Megan Fox in Punisher T-Shirt variant “drawn” by Greg Land for Punisher vs. Transformers issues (#4)
Ultra Variant photo cover of Megan Fox airbrushed by Greg Land (1 in 69, hur hur!) for Transformers (#4)
In the style of Ennis’s dark slapstick Marvel Knights Punisher, except he treats toy heroes like crap instead of super heroes. Well, 5 issues will be like an Ennis war story, except Frank hooks up with the GI Joes. But mostly he kills all those licensed toys I don’t care for. I just want to see him wreck some Transformers, really. That would be a blast. Also, a Shia LeBouf stand in? Shot in the face. I’ll just make you wait for it. I mean, I don’t even have a thing against the guy, I think he’s a solid actor in fact; it’s just what the audience wants. Also, Megan Fox as drawn by Greg Land and Greg Horn, so it’s basically just photos of her!
Shocking plot twist for the Joes issue(s): Destro and Frank are pals. Destro sells him all of his guns on discount, and they secretly play poker every month. Also in that poker party? Pro wrestler the Sandman, the ghost of Charles Bronson, Dick Cheney, and Kim Jog Il. Or Kim Kardashian, if Horn wants to contribute some more pages. There may also be a Baroness/Frank/Destro three way, just to really pound home the idea that it’s fan fic. Megan Fox may show up there, too, but I’m iffy. Even I have some standards.
4. Captain America and Indiana Jones
Series of One 4 Shots, 50 pgs. each
Drawn by Jim Steranko, John Byrne, Michael Lark, and Joe Kubert
Covers by each issue’s artist
World War II would be the setting for three of these, so they write themselves. The fourth, drawn by Lark, would feature Indy getting the Cap “suspended animation” treatment so that he could team up with the current Cap (i.e. Cyber Bucky) in modern times. All would feature Red Skull being repeatedly punched in the face. That modern day one could possibly be worse than Indy IV, but I’m willing to risk it. Also; Shia LeBouf’s likeness gets shot in the face again in issue #3. I’m just trying to goose sales from the Shia murder fetish lobby. They seem like a strong demo block. And it’s an amusing running gag for morbid old me. And he’d be a Nazi, so he’d deserve it.
5. Hellboy, Locas, and Jimmy Corrigan
120 pg. GN
Drawn by Jaime Hernandez (Locas characters), Duncan Fegredo, Guy Davis, and Paul Azaceta (Hellboy), and Chris Ware (Jimmy)
Covers by Mike Mignola
Absurdly Ornate Dustjacket by Ware
Is starts out like the original Jimmy GN, but then 5 pages in Jimmy is murdered by a rampaging, paternal continuity cameo-ing Devil Dinosaur. And then, in a completely unrelated subplot, Music for Mechaincs-era Maggie and Hellboy team up to fight some monsters. I’d reprint that World’s Fair Chapter of Jimmy that I love, though, just to give Ware his props.
6. Preachers meets Hellboy and the Goon
art by John McCrea (Hellboy/Preacher), Eric Powell (Goon/Preacher)
Covers by Mignola and Bradstreet
45 pg. One Shot
I have the whole thing mapped out in my head, actually. Hellboy is sent by the BPRD to investigate stories of an undead preacher who can control people’s minds and his vampire buddy. The missunderstanding/fight part would involve Hellboy’s right hand winding up in a very uncomfortable place. The team up part would be Jesse realizing Hellboy’s valor and realizing they are kindred spirits, in a completely heterosexual way. Or Cassidy and HB know each other and are drinking buddies. Whatever. The team up parts are just them getting smashed at a bar. Maybe Rasputin and Herr Starr get buggered, just to be faithful to the source material.
Goon shows up in a back up story to ask Jesse if he’s the Zombie Priest. Jesse says no. That also leads to them drinking. Frankie and Cassidy puke on each other a lot.
7. X-Men and the Legion
4 Issue Prestige Format Series, 64 pg. a piece
Co-written by Chris Sims (all Legion Parts)
Layouts by Keith Giffen
Drawn by Paul Smith and Frank Quitely
Fact Checking by Paul O’Brien (X-Men) and Mark Waid (Legion)
Covers by George Perez
Just to try and create something that’s such immense continuity porno that Geoff Johns leaves mainstream comics and creates the Great American Graphic Novel he’s capbale of, causing ADD to spontaneously combust when he reads it. Oh, and it could be fun, especially when the Legion fights the Imperial Guard and they cancel each other out.
8. Swamp Thing and Man Thing
12 pg. short story in an anthology
Drawn by Berni Wrightson
Title page by Ben Templesmith
They’d just stare at each for the whole story, freaked out by the similarity. But it would be all moody and atmospheric and awesome, because of BERNI MF WRIGHTSON, that’s why.
9. Seven Soldiers and Nextwave
1,400 pg. graphic novel
Art by Cameron Stewart and Stewart Immonen
Cover by JH Williams III
Counciling by Alan Moore (He wrote one of these. A completely different kind of one, but still.)
The two comics that kept me in to superheroes for awhile there mashed up. Once again, writes itself. But would include a lot of really bizarre flirting between Zatanna and Machine Man, leading to requisite fan fic sex. And Machine Man wearing her top hat and fishnets in to battle. Also, Frankenstein would probably behead Boom Boom, because I never really liked her. That would lead to a second hook up, between Bloodstone and Frankenstein, because Elsa shares my feelings. Monica Rambeau would be mortified by the whole thing, especially when Klarion steals the Shockwave Rider.
10. Silver Surfer and Lobo
Art by Steve Rude and Evan Dorkin
Half shot (couldn’t carry a full one), 22 pages, padded out with Secret Files entries and pin-ups, as well as a right wing essay by Mike Baron
Cover by Simon Bisley
Lobo murders Galactus to collect a bounty from refugees of all the planets he’s eaten, then teaches Surfer how to stop being such a whiney twit after giving him a concussion and they got to a crazy. So it sort of turns in to a buddy cop/bromance. And then Thanos blows up the planet on the last page for lack of a better ending.
Cameos by Space Cabbie, Space Ranger, and Space U.S. 1.!
Tastless scene: Lobo knocks Surfer out, wraps his chain around his neck, and drags him through space for a couple pages. That should get the internet all riled up for like a week and distract snooty Liberal comic bloggers from important things. My right wing pay masters will be pleased. Well, imaginary right wing paymasters. I’m certainly not a sleeper Freemason agent! Better add one more of these to the original ten to distract people again…
11. Blue Monday and Spider-Man
by Chynna Clugston
Cover and backup strip by Colleen Coover
Kind of like when Clugston drew an issue of Ultimate Marvel Team Up, but with her characters in the X-Men’s place. Would mostly be an excuse to have her draw teenage (Romita era) Peter Parker on a mo-ped. Hell, everyone on a mo-ped! Also, Peter foils a New Wave ’80s music based plot by a disgruntled Hypno Hustler. Coover’s back up features nothing but all the girls talking. If I can turn in a half decent script, it will win an Eisner. Well, I mean, I’m making this all up, so let’s say it wins 12.
If you have any dumber/nerdier ideas, leave them in the comments. Or not. I WILL NOT READ THEM!!!11111
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