In the world of comic books, there is a never-ending supply of powers that would be great to have. From super-strength, to invisibility and flight, being a superhero must often feel like such a rush. While many abilities aid in the saving of lives and the prevention of criminals from taking over the world, there are definitely moments when it might be best to try and refrain from blasting someone in the face with a bolt of electricity. Most notably: the bedroom. Let’s face it, super-powered folk are people too and just like us, sometimes they need to knock their boots with someone. Superman has Lois, Spider-Man has Mary Jane, Midnighter has Apollo; the list goes on and on.
Yet sometimes you have to wonder whether it might be for everyone’s best interest if certain heroes and villains took vows of chastity. In a world full of body-swapping, mind-control, and reality-warping, there are too many ways to count the things that could go wrong while spending some quality time with your significant other in the bedroom (or wherever, really). Here at CBR we’re going to look at 15 superpowers you really don’t want to going off while in the bedroom.
15. SUPER SPEED
When it comes to fighting crime, it certainly helps to be the Fastest Man Alive. Whether you’re the Flash, Quicksilver, or any other hero with the ability to move at speeds that are anything but reasonable, rarely are you going to come across enemies that can touch you. Traveling around the world in seconds is pretty useful, but traveling at speeds that go beyond sound while in the bedroom…not so much.
Folks joke about the Flash and what it really means to be the Fastest Man Alive as the case may be, but looking beyond that, it would be awful to lose control of super speed. Villains like Johnny Quick, an evil doppelganger of the Flash, can vibrate people to death by way of moving at frightening speeds…think on that for a moment.
Reed Richards, the leader of the Fantastic Four, has a lot going for him. He’s super smart, has a gorgeous and powerful wife, is friends with some of the most powerful people on the planet, and can stretch literally any part of his body. Hmm…it doesn’t take a genius to see where that is headed. Still, you think it’d be all sunshine and roses down in the sheets with Reed and Sue, but what if everything went terribly awry? What then?
Worse case scenario? You know those anime with the tentacle monsters doing unseemly things to women? Now instead of a tentacle monster, think of a tentacle monster with the face of a middle-aged super-powered man. When Reed loses control of his elastic abilities and stretches on forever and forever, expanding and expanding…it wouldn’t be a pretty sight.
13. PENANCE STARE
The odds of anyone finding a flaming-skulled, motorcyclist-riding spirit of vengeance attractive enough to hop into the sack with are pretty much nil, but hey, there’s someone (or thing) for everyone. Should Ghost Rider ever get busy, not having transformed back into Danny Ketch or Johnny Blaze for whatever reason, then it would certainty be a night to remember for whomever he was with.
Not to mention the insane chains and demonic fire emanating off his frame, because while those are bad enough, it’d be even worse to have Ghost Rider looking down on you, or up at you, and suddenly unleash his most powerful weapon: his Penance Stare. Forcing you to experience every sin you’ve ever committed, along with the pain of those you hurt, the Penance Stare would be a buzzkill unlike any other.
12. HULKING OUT
While the Hulk might be “the strongest one there is”, that only serves as an advantage when in the middle of battle. There’s a reason why Bruce Banner has a hard time maintaining romantic relationships. He can’t risk getting “too” excited for fear of suddenly becoming the big green, irradiated rage monster known as the Incredible Hulk.
Still, there’s been moments when Banner has gotten around to the bedroom, but as seen mentioned in the “Old Man Logan” alternate timeline story, the Hulk slept with his cousin She-Hulk, as she was the only one who could keep up — and that was when he was in control. Losing control and hulking out at such an intimate moment wouldn’t be good for anyone. If the Hulk can fracture a planet when angry, it might not be best to criticize his performance. You know what, just don’t sleep with the Hulk period.
11. ICE MANIPULATION
Bobby Drake, Iceman from the X-Men, is an Omega Level mutant with the ability to control and manipulate ice and freezing temperatures. It should be pointed out, to those not in the know, that he’s not always iced up. Usually, he’s his normal-looking handsome self, especially when it comes to getting down to business.
But we’re looking at out-of-control powers, so what happens when Iceman loses control of his ice? Well, lots and lots of painful and generally horrible things. Best case scenario, you end up getting the flu, as you find your room transformed into a winter wonderland, snowmen and all, with you, awkwardly, trying to put some clothes on to save you from the torrent of snow and ice. Worst case? Frostbite, limbs freezing off, and generally just being frozen into a block of ice…man, it sounds like “fun to date Iceman”, said nobody ever.
Kitty Pryde isn’t the only hero who can phase objects into one another, but the fact that she’s had numerous romantic relationships and all of her boyfriends have survived, deserves some recognition. Even more so, because she’s an X-Man and those folks die a lot. Capable of phasing matter, or locking an object into the ground or burying someone miles underneath the surface of the Earth, you ought to really hope anyone with molecular manipulation abilities never loses control with you in the bedroom.
It doesn’t help when you look at the science of phasing and realize that it’s quantum tunneling these heroes are doing. Accidentally getting your body merged with a bed frame does not sound like a good time. Quantum tunneling gone awry in the bedroom…that’s a horrible band name waiting to happen.
9. X-RAY VISION
The Man of Steel, Superman fights for truth, justice, and the American Way. Loaded with nearly every cool power out there, it’s no wonder why he’s all but unbeatable. Now, sleeping with Superman in the first place is a risky, and most likely a suicidal endeavor. It doesn’t help that he comes chock full of powers. It’d be easy to call out all the bad things that’d happen if lost control of his strength, heat vision, or hurricane breath, but what about his X-ray vision?
Sure, it’s cute, playful fun initially, i.e. who’s wearing what, but x-ray anything is generally a big no-no. There’s a reason why you have to be outfitted specially when having X-ray scans done on you. The slightest misstep, and boom, you’ve made friends with cancer. Superman accidentally losing control and dousing you with a whole helping of X-rays…that’s just bad news.
8. HEX POWER
Wanda Maximoff, otherwise known as the Scarlet Witch, has the ability to manipulate probability. In fact, it’s not just probability she can alter, which itself is pretty terrifying when you think about all the possibilities, but she can warp the entire universe and not even know she’s done it.
That’s right, the Scarlet Witch has broken down multiple times; the first time she killed several Avengers and disbanded the team, the second time she nearly wiped out the entire mutant population. You’re getting a sense as to what happens when she loses control. Heck, if she went wild while in the sheets, Wanda could turn you and the rest of the planet into seals and be none the wiser. It’s a pretty awful idea to get romantically involved with someone who can bend the universe to her will.
7. WONDER WOMAN’S LASSO OF TRUTH
Truth and bedroom tomfoolery don’t always go together so well. Dating Wonder Woman might sound like a blast, but you never know when things are going to heat up and bondage starts getting thrown into the mix. Go and read an early Wonder Woman story; the Amazons were totally into being bound. Likely freaks in the bedroom, if you’re into roleplaying some kind of Fifty Shades of Grey shenanigans, then please, go and look for anyone else!
Wonder Woman is a good person through and through but in unfortunate circumstances, she just might break out her famous Lasso of Truth, forcing the god honest truth right out you. What happens if the Lasso drags out your thoughts about an ex or a swimsuit model you saw on TV? Let’s just say you’ll be contending with a very angry Amazon.
6. GREEN LANTERN’S POWER RING
Dubbed the most powerful weapon in the universe, a Green Lantern Power Ring is nothing to balk at. Limited only by its wielder’s imagination, a Power Ring’s might is all-but immeasurable. That’s not something you’d want to go off in the bedroom of all places. We’ve seen what happens when a Green Lantern, *ahem* Hal Jordan, loses control: pandemonium. Usually the universe itself is put in peril, requiring entire scores of superheroes to come together.
Ask yourself this: when things are getting steamy with Hal, would you like him to lose control, his infamous willpower splashing out all over, and possibly generate a giant green shark monster to baring down on you? Failing that, Green Lanterns also have a nasty tendency of going up in an explosion of pure willpower, sometimes taking out a planet in the process. On the plus side, your demise would be quick.
5. FLAME POWERS
Flame on! That’s typically not what anyone wants to hear when “Let’s Get It On” starts playing in the background. Johnny Storm, the Human Torch and member of the Fantastic Four can set his whole body on fire, shoot fireballs…anything with fire, you name it. The risk might be greater than the reward here, for if Johnny should accidentally flame on at an inopportune moment then you’re, quite literally, toast.
Remember, he can ignite ANY part of his body…so yeah. From there, your house burns down and if Johnny really heats up, he can go nova, irradiating the heat of a star and igniting the atmosphere on fire, killing everyone on Earth. Ladies, you might be doing the world a public service if you just keep away from the Human Torch. Who knows when he’s next going to be mind-controlled or having something Galactus-related appear at his doorstep.
4. WEATHER MANIPULATION
There are many worse things than trying to go bed with someone in the middle of summer with no air-conditioning or perhaps in the middle of winter with no heat. Have you ever tried doing the dirty deed with hail and lightning bolts raining down on you in 100% humidity? No? Well, you probably wouldn’t want to.
That’s the risk if you’re hooking up with the weather manipulator Storm, from the X-Men, and suddenly she loses control of her powers. Do you like making love in the middle of an F5 hurricane? If Storm can’t control her abilities, then prepare yourself for tornadoes, blizzards, and lightning bolts to hit you all at once. Needless to say this is one instance when the local weatherman is most assuredly getting involved.
There are many powers you don’t want to mess with and telekinesis ranks high among them. Depending on the user, telekinesis is virtually limitless in its abilities, capable of doing nearly anything the mind can fathom. Jean Grey, the most famous fictional telepath and telekinesis-user is one of the planet’s mightiest beings.
Her usage of telekinesis goes beyond simply moving objects with her mind. She can fold objects in on themselves, create psionic force fields and energy blasts, manipulate virtually any object into becoming a weapon, and pretty much do anything she needs to. Now would you like to be folded up into a million little pieces as your atomic structure is all but rewritten by her frightening power? No, the answer is no you don’t. That’s why an out-of-control Jean Grey, or any other powerful telekinetic, is one of the worst things that could happen in the bedroom.
2. WOLVERINE’S CLAWS
The best there is at what he does, Wolverine is a fighting force unlike any other. Endowed with a righteous healing factor, which when you think about it probably means he can go on forever in the bedroom, and retractable claws that pop from his hands, you don’t want to get on his bad side. Heck, you probably shouldn’t be on his romantic side.
Constantly suffering from traumatic visions of his past and going into berserker rages, it’s one of the reasons Logan sometimes ostracizes himself. Have you seen the first X-Men movie? You remember when he accidentally stabbed Rogue for trying to help him? Well, imagine being locked in the throes of passion with Wolverine and suddenly he has a flashback (or flash-forward) to some apocalyptic nightmare and SNIKT! — out come the claws. The first thing he’s stabbing is you, and not in a good way.
1. OPTIC BLASTS
The leader of the X-Men, Cyclops is a pretty chill guy; oftentimes called boring. Though that might be in everyone’s best interests, especially for anyone he’s dating. With the ability to shoot concussive blasts out of his eyes, Cyclops is perpetually forced to wear special sunglasses so he doesn’t melt somebody’s head off. Capable of punching holes through mountains, there’s no telling what would be left of Jean Grey or Emma Frost if Cyclops lost control in the bedroom.
You think you’re okay if the sunglasses stay on, but what if they accidentally fall off? What if, in a moment of ecstasy, Cyclops completely loses it, deciding he no longer wants to see in hues of ruby red and rips them off? Well, goodbye Jean, goodbye X-Mansion, and goodbye neighboring town. We’ve seen what happens after his powers were broken following his interaction with the Phoenix Force…it was unpleasant.
Any other powers you can think that would suck in bed? Let us know in the comments section!
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