Normally, we could do some kind of coy intro and dance around the matter at hand, but come on, you know why you’re here. You clicked this thinking “Ok, there’s no way they made a skin flick for THAT character.” Well, they did. Not even knowing which character you’re thinking of, we assure you, there is an adult parody of them. There’s even a version of the Vin Diesel character in another movie with three X’s, which we’d say is like a snake eating its own tail, but in this context that conjures very loaded images.
Say what you will about that other film industry, they’re putting characters on screen that the MCU hasn’t approached in any of its wide array of films, TV shows, and whatever Inhumans was. While the MCU is too scared or sexist to give Black Widow a solo movie, by golly, the other industry is giving a “solo scene” to a woman dressed as Rocket Raccoon. From Ms. Marvel to Millie the Model, it seems skin flicks have beaten mainstream superhero cinema to the proverbial punch time and time again. So check out what characters made it to the AVN before the MCU, while we clear out our browser history.
If you were a child of the “Attitude Era” of the WWF/WWE and an avid comic book fan, you couldn’t help but dream about a Marvel movie where Chyna played She-Hulk. Like Lou Ferrigno before her, the late Joan Marie Laurer was such an imposing and distinct presence that all one would need is some green body paint, sparing us the awful CGI that pervaded the comic book movies of that time, like Blade or Spawn.
Decades later, we got our wish… kinda, when in 2012, a post-wrestling, post-Celebrity Rehab Chyna donned the green make-up twice for Avengers and She-Hulk parodies. These would be the final two films for Chyna before she passed away in 2016. For whatever its worth, this She-Hulk has better chemistry with Thor in their Avengers movie than Portman did with Hemsworth in the original film. Just sayin’.
So, after years of hoping and dreaming, Spider-Man is finally in the MCU. Heck, Spider-Man: Homecoming even gave us our first glimpses of other iconic Spider-Man characters like Hobgoblin and Silk. Yet, fan favorite Jessica Drew has yet to appear in any form in the MCU — no background role, no mention on a computer screen, and certainly no palling around with the Avengers. That is, unless you count the “other” Avengers.
That’s right, in Vivid’s Avengers, director Axel Braun cast Jenna Presley to play Jessica Drew, spent a considerable amount of money to get as accurate a Spider-Woman suit as possible (for anyone whose seen Braun’s Batman ’66 parody, the dude pays incredible attention to detail), and had her… just sit at a table. Seriously, the only thing Spider-Woman does in the entirety of the film is sit there in costume for ambience. And you thought Thanos in Age of Ultron was an underwhelming cameo.
13. JUSTINE HAMMER
Some of you may be thinking “Oh, that doesn’t count. First off, they switched the gender, and second, Justin Hammer was in Iron Man 2 and All Hail The King. He’s totally in the MCU.” Whelp, that just goes to show the folks behind Iron Man: An Extreme Comixxx Parody know their Marvel history better than you’d expect. Shows what you know, huh?
Indeed, Justine Hammer, the daughter of Justin Hammer, is in fact a real Marvel character, and has been since she first appeared in Thunderbolts #3 over 20 years ago. Justine Hammer is better known as the Crimson Cowl, founder of the Masters of Evil, who wanted to control the world, though her intentions in this Iron Man parody are far less nefarious.
12. BLACK CAT
Hey, remember when Sony got Oscar nominee Felicity Jones to play Felicia Hardy in Amazing Spider-Man 2 in the hopes of threading Black Cat throughout its cinematic universe. Remember when it failed? Well, turns out Vivid did what Sony couldn’t, as its Black Cat, played by Jazy Berlin, has appeared in three different films! It just goes to show you what a little bit of gumption and some mad nerd street cred can net you when you put your mind to it!
After her debut in Superman vs. Spiderman, another skin flick, Berlin’s Black Cat reappears in Avengers 2 in a dialogue-only scene with Ms. Marvel as they discuss the sordid love triangle they have with Peter Parker. Her latest appearance in Axel Braun’s strange skin-flick cinematic universe is Avengers vs. X-Men, where she and Storm get very cozy with Magneto.
Sure, Madame Hydra was technically introduced into the MCU when AIDA created an alternate reality on Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D and donned the mantle, but Ophelia Sarkissian herself has never appeared in the MCU, nor any film, as both The Wolverine and David Hasselhoff’s Nick Fury movie made alterations to her identity.
Somehow, the other industry’s Avengers 2 was the first to get it right. In the film, Viper (played by Juelz Ventura) and Hydra plan to turn Spider-Man against the Avengers by entrapping him in the symbiote suit, offering to lead him to the Avengers to “satisfy his appetites” (wink wink). If you’re wondering what happens after that, well, this evil Peter Parker does to Viper what Tobey Maguire’s evil Peter Parker did to our faith in the Spider-Man franchise during that damned Spider-Man 3 dance scene.
10. THE ENCHANTRESS
When Cate Blanchett was cast in Thor: Ragnarok, it was speculated that she might play the role of The Enchantress. Sadly, the goddess known as Amora Incantare did not wind up being played by a two-time Academy Award winner, but she did get played by an XBIZ Female Performer of the Year nominee, and that’s pretty much the same thing, right?
Nicole Aniston appears as The Enchantress, alongside The Executioner, Frigga, Heimdall and the rest in the Thor parody directed by Axel Braun, the man responsible for most of these entires because the dude clearly knows his comics. Enchantress shares a scene in the film with Executioner, and we have to give Aniston props for this: we’re not sure even Cate Blanchett could keep that crown on with all the movement Enchantress has in this scene.
9. SUE STORM
We may never see the Fantastic Four join the MCU, but we can at least see it in the Vivid Universe. For whatever reason, it’s easier for an industry struggling with massive piracy to create a colossal cinematic adult film universe, convince a celebrity to play a role in that universe, give that character a spin-off and fit the Fantastic Four into it than for Fox to admit they don’t know how to handle this property.
In She-Hulk, Jennifer Walters (played by Gracie Glam) seeks help from the Fantastic Four to stop her from transforming into She-Hulk (Chyna). While Reed, played by the fantastically named Ryan Driller, gets lost in his work, Alexis Ford’s Sue Storm is feeling neglected by her husband, and turns to the affections of, you guessed it, She-Hulk. Weird? Sure, but it still gets the relationship dynamic between Reed and Sue better than Fan4tastic.
The MCU has been a little slow to dive into the Captain America mythos. Sure, they gave us a great Red Skull, a quick glimpse of Batroc and a sort-of Baron Zemo over the course of three films, but the Captain America parody throws them all in one, and all in their original costumes!
The most interesting addition to the film, which revolves around Cap fighting for the Cosmic Cube, is Sin, a character we’ve never seen, and aren’t likely to see, in the MCU. While the mainstream Marvel movies have virtually ignored the Red Skull since the first Cap film, this Captain America flick gives us Claire Robbins as Sinthea “Sin” Schmidt, the daughter of the Red Skull and founder of the Sisters of Sin. If you think about it, that kind of sounds more like the title of an adult film than an evil organization anyway.
7. RED GUARDIAN
Sure, when you saw the name Red Guardian, you probably thought Alexi Shostakov, and you also probably thought “There’s no way to make that costume hot.” While that second part remains true, in response to the first, we’d point out that there was in fact a female Red Guardian, in the form of Tania Belinskaya, prior to her becoming Starlight.
Avengers 2 features Belgian performer Eva Karera as Belinskaya attempting to recruit Winter Soldier back to the Soviet side (and also attempting a passable Russian accent). Naturally, this finds its way into having the two characters, you know, “make the whoopee.” However, as attractive as the people are, there is just no way to make anything involving that silly mask remotely appealing. But dang it, at least they tried!
6. MS. MARVEL
Sure, we’re eventually getting Carol Danvers in the MCU, but by that point she’ll be Captain Marvel; and even so, the folks at Vivid will have them beat by seven years. That’s right, Ms. Marvel has appeared twice in the Avengers parody franchise, first played by Lexi Swallow and subsequently Rikki Six. We know recasting is always tough on a franchise, but it’s less noticeable than swapping Terrence Howard for Don Cheadle, we promise.
In Avengers, we see Carol form a very close friendship with Scarlet Witch before letting her affections for Peter Parker cause them both to miss their opportunity to help the Avengers take down a rogue Hulk. By Avengers 2, Carol has expressed her regret for ever bedding Peter to Hawkeye, claiming he’s too clingy and wishing for something less complicated. Yes, that’s right, there’s character development in these films.
5. SASHA KRAVINOFF
Perhaps the deepest of deep cuts in terms of Marvel villains, Aleksandra Kravinoff didn’t appear in Marvel Comics until 2008, when she appeared as the widow of Kraven the Hunter, while on a mission to kidnap Madame Web and get revenge on Spider-Man.
In Spider-Man 2, the parody, we have to give credit where credit is due: Veruca James is dead-on as Sasha (which is the character’s nickname, given to her by Kraven when she became his bride. She appears as a secondary villain in the film, the main plot of which revolves around Mysterio and somehow involves a post-New Avengers Jessica Jones in her Power Woman costume. Kravinoff arrives in the end to tussle with Madame Web and Arachne. Ok, maybe “tussle” isn’t an accurate description, but we wanna keep this SFW.
4. MILLIE THE MODEL AND JILL JEROLD
We understand if you need a second to process this one. That’s right, the parody of Iron Man features the first ever, in any form, screen appearance of both Millie the Model and her pal Jill Jerold from the long running Millie the Model comic, which began back when Marvel went by Timely.
Naturally, like most characters on this list, they were brought to the screen by Axel Braun, a man we assume was created by fusing a stag mag with a Marvel Encyclopedia. A normal adult film, hell even a normal mainstream film, would just have Tony Stark have a three-way dance with two generic models and call it a day. Yet here, we find Millie (played by Jazy Berlin) along with her friend Jill (played by adult performer turned singer Skin Diamond) bandying about with the billionaire playboy. To be clear, these guys can pluck a character from a handful of Models, Inc. issues and make it work, while Marvel Studios can’t even give us Namor? Come on, guys…
3. DOCTOR OCTOPUS
Sure, the Sinister Six has been teased in Spider-Man: Homecoming (as well as the Amazing Spider-Man series), but there’s been no indication that the iconic Doctor Octopus will be appearing in the MCU anytime soon. This is despite being one of the most beloved villains in the Spider-Man series, played most notably by Alfred Molina in Spider-Man 2.
Of course, Molina wasn’t the only actor to play Dr. Otto Octavius on film. Yes, that’s right, in Superman vs. Spiderman, the portly pseudo-cephalopod teams up with Lex Luthor to defeat their respective nemeses. In fact, Luthor even equips Octavius (James Bartholet) with Kryptonite-tipped robotic arms. Thankfully, the only thing those arms get shoved into in this film is a bag of Doritos. There’s only so much we’re willing to sit through for this piece.
2. THE X-MEN
We’ve all been hoping to see the Avengers and the X-Men clash since the dawn of the MCU. Granted, Fox is still having a boatload of success with the X-Men franchise, and the relationship between Fox and Marvel is reportedly a good deal more sour than that between Marvel and Sony. But over in the “other” industry, such contractual issues are nullified in the name of parody, so Vivid pulled out all the stops.
Avengers vs. X-Men: An Axel Braun Parody features a packed cast, as Magneto (Tom Byron), Storm (Skin Diamond), Kitty Pride (Katie St. Ives) and a slew of other mutants face off against notable MCU figures like Spider-Man, Maria Hill and Mockingbird. Sure, it’s a lot less fighting and a lot more of a different “f” word than one would hope from the title, but until Marvel and Fox mend the bridge, it’s the best we can hope for.
Now here’s a strange set of circumstances. You may be thinking “Riri Williams is only 16, that’s horribly inappropriate,” or “The girl in that picture looks nothing like Riri,” and both of those would be correct, but neither is really relevant. Because the JAV (Japanese Adult Video) Ironheart wasn’t created to parody Riri Williams. It was an Iron Man spoof that actually appeared before Riri ever did!
Ironheart covers the ground of the first two Iron Man films, with the robot-suited heroine battling both terrorists and Whiplash, and tends to be exactly what one would expect from a JAV. It would have been forgotten forever had Joe Quesada not accidentally made up the same name for a character in the Marvel books who wound up accidentally having almost the exact same armor design. Now, we’re not gonna say Marvel stole its character from an adult film, but if the next legacy character winds up looking like Ron Jeremy, we’re gonna start getting suspicious.
What do you think? Will the MCU ever catch up with the “other” industry, or is it destined to always be a little behind?
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