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KryptoNIGHTS: 15 People Who GOT BUSY With Superman

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KryptoNIGHTS: 15 People Who GOT BUSY With Superman

So. It’s come to this. Superman sex. The sheer magnitude of Superman’s love-making is crucial to the overarching plot of Garth Ennis’ The Boys and at least two Kevin Smith films. The entire point of watching Lois & Clark was waiting for the inevitable series finale where Lois dies due to a vaporized uterus.  There’s even an essay by Larry Niven appropriately titled “Man of Steel, Woman of Kleenex” getting into the raw physics of how Superman bangs. Don’t deny it. You’re super-curious how Superman sexes, so we’re counting down 15 of the kinkiest Kryptonian carnal consummations to occur in comics, cartoons and Kristin Kreuk-centered series. Superman may live in a world of cardboard, but it’s a fine piece of cardboard at that.

RELATED: Claw Marks: 15 People Who BANGED Wolverine

To qualify for this list, individuals had to have sex with a Superman and survive. Superman isn’t one to kiss and tell, so dating Superman for a continued length of time most likely means you’ve “bottled the city of Kandor” with the Man of Steel at least once — if you know what we mean. However, since Supes is so wholesome, we have widened our degenerate gaze to include alternate versions of Superman. Superman clones also count, no matter their sexy imperfections, ergo both Superboy and Bizarro qualify. For the sake of saving time and sanity: Bizarro dates a painstakingly customized stack of rocks and twigs he calls Lois. There, we just spared the world 120-150 words centered around a Bizarro Real Doll.™

15. HONORABLE MENTION: LEX LUTHOR??

Lex Luthor Forever Evil saves Superman

We have to start this listicle off with an honorary nod to Lex Luthor, who has basically done everything but go all the way with Big Blue. Aside from not so coincidentally sporting the obligatory L.L. initials required of Superman’s paramours, Lex and Clark have a son together in Superboy. Lex Luthor hated Superman so much that he spent countless amounts of LexCorp funds and hours of scientific research to figure out how to have a baby not just with another man, but a man from a completely different species, and his most hated enemy.

Now, Young Justice Lex explains the presence of his human DNA was to make up for the missing parts of Superman’s Kryptonian DNA. Curiously, this patchwork results in a Superboy that is precisely 50% human and 50% Kryptonian. Is Superboy a genetically engineered super-weapon? Or a genetically engineered super-romantic gesture? Regardless, Luthor gets an “A” for effort, even if he didn’t technically get any “A” in the sheets.

14. SUPERWOMAN

Superwoman Alexander Luthor Forever Evil

Ultraman is a Superman who hails from a mirrored Earth identical to ours in every way in Forever Evil by Geoff Johns and David Finch, except everyone is such a dick. From Jor-Il telling baby Clark not to demean himself with Earth women, to Ma and Pa Kent being junkies, everything from Ultraman’s world is hilariously horrible.

Ultraman’s main squeeze in this universe is Superwoman, his world’s amalgam Wonder Woman and Lois Lane. Ultraman would rather kill Superwoman, only staying with her because she is the sole individual with the physique suitable enough to carry his child. Superwoman utilizes her pregnancy to her advantage, however, first manipulating Owlman by making him believe he’s the father, only to reveal the baby was Alexander Luthor’s all along. We’re not saying Superwoman is a “Kryptonite-digger,” but 2/3rds of the people she sleeps with readily have access to Kryptonite.

13. WONDER GIRL

Wonder Girl

After Superboy-Prime nearly beats Superboy (Connor Kent) to death during the first half of Infinite Crisis, Wonder Girl (Cassie Sandsmark) elects to stay behind to look over her suffering super-boyfriend as he regenerates health in a Bacta Tank in Teen Titans Annual #1. With the world potentially ending in hours, the two Titans look over scrapbooks of their roots, garish ’90s outfits and all.

Connor has just enough flight left in him to take himself and Cassie somewhere where they can be normal for a moment, traveling to the Kent family farm in Smallville — which in retrospect is the quintessential Superman hookup move. To ensure Superboy doesn’t die a super-virgin, Wonder Girl consummates their relationship and pops Connor Kent’s Kryptonian cherry in the barn, granting Connor a genuine moment of happiness before dying an ignoble, litigious-based death during the Infinite Crisis finale.

12. MISS MARTIAN

Miss Martian Superboy Young Justice Season 1

During the Young Justice animated series, Superboy and Miss Martian commiserate over being the sole members of their species overflowing with hormones. The two share their first kiss while masquerading as the Terror Twins, earning an apropos “Dude! That’s your sister!” from Icicle Junior. From there, the two date throughout Season One, before Miss Martian downgrades to Lagoon Boy in Season Two.

At one point, Miss Martian role-plays as Black Canary while training with Superboy. J’onn J’onzz explains it is a romantic game between Martians — provided that each consenting member knows the other’s true form. We’ve never dated a shapeshifter before, but let’s just assume that you don’t shape-shift into your boyfriend’s CQC instructor until well after the third date.

11. MAXIMA

Maxima Adventures of Superman 3

Maxima intends to make Superman her next sexual conquest in the most literal sense of the phrase in Action Comics #652. Maxima wants to marry Superman via trial by combat, explaining that she can offer Superman something that no other woman can — the ability to carry his children. Kinda lame that the primary motivation of one of the first strong female superman villains is to have his babies.

Maxima gets Superman on the rebound after Lois dies due to internal bleeding when her unborn super-baby kicks her to death in the womb in Adventures of Superman Annual #3 (1991) by L. Simonson. Maxima is genetically compatible with Clark, however, as she ponders on what wonderful children they would’ve had together. So yeah, Maxima was totally right about that one. That being said, it was a tad gauche of them to make out on top of Lois’ grave.

10. LOLA-LA

Lola La Superman Blackout

A Superman missing both his shirt and memories is whisked into wedding Lola-La, princess of a dinosaur island during the subtly titled Blackout saga in Superman Vol 2 #62 (1991) by Dan Jurgens. The two don’t speak the same language, but Lola-La is basically an off-color She-Hulk, so Superman is cool with it. Naturally, Lois Lane stops the ceremony before getting into a hair-pulling match with Lola-La. Superman contemplates intervening, but his instincts tell him to just let this girl-fight go on, indefinitely.

Incidentally, this story starts in media res, presumably after Superman has been missing for what just has to be days of boning. Do you really think they waited for marriage? Because when you wake up on a dinosaur island with your entire mental library of pornography erased, procreation is your top priority next to avoiding velociraptor-based oblivion.

9. LORI LEMARIS

http://www.cbr.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/06/Lori-Lemaris-Superman-makes-out-with-a-Mermaid.jpg

A collegiate Clark Kent first met Lori Lemaris in “The Girl in Superman’s Past!” from Superman #129 (May 1959). Lori attended classes by utilizing a wheelchair and blanket not unlike a sexy FDR. When Lori reveals that she has to end their relationship to return home, Clark is ready to lock Lori down, prepared to both marry her and abandon being Superman. Upon discovering that Lori has a tank of salt water instead of a bed, Superman deduces that she must be a mermaid. That’s right: Isolation chambers aren’t real. Everyone is merfolk. Stranger Things lied to you. Eventually, Lori was magically able to turn into a human, but contact with water would turn her back into a mermaid — literally the rules from Splash. Anyway, this was all a roundabout excuse for why Superman wouldn’t propose to Lois: mermaid heartbreak, or whatever.

8. MISTY

Misty fake death by sasquatch no scope headshot Superboy becomes a Superman

The Super-Teacher robot returns to help Superboy lose his virginity in DC Super-Stars #12 (1977). Clark dances with popular girl Misty, who deduces that Clark is Superboy. After Misty assures Clark that he can trust her, they embrace in wordless silhouette. Ma Kent confirms the nasty: “Clark’s bed is still made! I wish he wouldn’t go out on these all-night patrols!”

Such love was never meant to be, ripped apart when a roaming pack of sasquatches no-scope headshot Misty with a precisely flung rock to the temple. Superboy almost commits sasquatchicide before Super-Teacher reveals it’s just a test. In fact, Misty is just some girl that Super-Teacher thought Clark would find hot, “programmed” (brainwashed) with Superboy’s favorite personality traits. With the test complete, Misty’s memory is wiped before she is returned to whichever town Super-Teacher kidnapped her from. That… that got dark fast.

7. SALLY SELWYN

Sally Selwyn Superman 169 crazy weird

Taking the time to bury his wallet and costume just before some Red Kryptonite-based amnesia kicks in, an exhausted Superman just so happens to stumble upon the Selwyn mansion grounds, where he meets millionaire heiress Sally Selwyn. Sally nurses a power-sapped Superman back to health and into her bed in “The Sweetheart Superman Forgot!” from Superman #165. Sorta weird that the second Superman has to be a normal person, this time going as Jim White, he winds up with a millionaire for a girlfriend. Gee, that Superman sure is lucky.

What’s legitimately weird though is that in May 1964’s Superman #169, Sally recounts that Jim (Superman) became paralyzed and confined to a wheelchair after getting thrown off by a bronco in a rodeo — 31 years before Christopher Reeve’s similar May 1995 injury. Come for the super-sex, leave with your soul feeling spooky.

6. LYLA LERROL

Lyla Lorrel Superman Returns to Krypton Rainbow Canyon

Superman finds himself stranded on Krypton in the past in the aptly named “Superman’s Return to Krypton!” from Superman #141 (1960). Making the best of a bad situation, Superman dates Krypton’s most famous “emotion-movie” actress, Lyla Lerror, or Lyla Lerrol as she’s reintroduced three pages later. The two split some pills and before long they’re celebrating their love in the Rainbow Canyon, which is some solid innuendo.

Lyla would return for the classic Alan Moore story “For The Man Who Has Everything,” where Mongul gifts Superman the Black Mercy, a dream-machine plant that grants its hosts their deepest desires. Superman’s desires, as it turns out, is to be a normal Kryptonian man, living together with his wife Lyla and their son, Van. All in all… pretty dope gift on Mongul’s part. Seriously, when’s the last time Batman even tried to get Superman laid?

5. LANA LANG

Lana Lang HQ edited Smallville

Lana Lang is typically regarded as Clark Kent’s greatest love before Lois Lane; however, to us die-hard Smallville fans, Lana and Clark have always been our OTP. Clark had to go through four seasons of Smallville just to finally sleep with Lana in Season Five. Season. Five. That’s 89 episodes comprised of bulimic vampires, Lana banging the jock who literally crucified Superman, Kryptonite tattoos, Kryptonite truth serum, Kryptonite love potion, Kryptonite ghosts and like, an entire character arc of Lana going through some witch-nonsense.

Even when Lana removes her Kryptonite necklace, this remains one of Clark’s riskiest bangs. Remember, this is a Clark Kent who can’t fly, has boner-activated heat vision and is dumb enough to call himself “The Blur” — it’s a legitimate super-miracle they managed to do it more than once. Incidentally, after they do it Lana saps some of Clark’s superpowers. Totally worth it.

4. BIG BARDA

Superman and Big Barda make a Porno Action Comics

Big Barda and Superman have been brainwashed by Darkseid’s former henchman Sleez into being the new stars of Grossman’s series of adult films in Action Comics #593 by John Byrne and Keith Williams. Sleez’s plan is to use the profits from the super-pornos to finance his army, which is definitely a lie. Not only does Sleez already have an army, but he could also totally make a two-person army out of the strongest of Granny’s Female Furies and the most powerful member of the Justice League. But nope — Sleez gotta sleaze. The best part is that this is all revealed to Mr. Miracle by Darkseid, who hands Mr. Miracle Barda’s first videotape while sipping on cognac in a sweet chair. This is easily the worst way to discover your wife is starring in Superman-porn, and how we want every plot twist to be revealed from now on.

3. LOIS LANE

Lois Lane All Star Superman Super Serum Blu Ray

Lois Lane being the sole human that Superman wants to bang has been a plot point for countless Superman series. In Injustice, the Joker murdering a pregnant Lois is what drives Superman to become a despot. The only thing separating Superman from becoming a Nazi is Lois Lane’s heartbeat in Superman: The Animated Series. Superman just rage-quits on humanity when Lois dies in Kingdom Come. In All-Star Superman by Grant Morrison, Superman gives Lois a super serum that allows her to experience his powers for 24 hours, basically the superhero equivalent of a couple trying ecstasy. Most recently, the post-Crisis, pre-Flashpoint, non-52 Lois Lane — the one who isn’t dead — has a half-Kryptonian son named Jon Kent with her corresponding Superman in Superman: Rebirth. Lois is able to give birth to her human/Kryptonian hybrid because like Clark, Jon’s powers didn’t manifest in utero.

2. WONDER WOMAN

Wonder Woman kisses Superman Justice League 12

As Diana vents her problems about her boring, basic boyfriend Steve, and Clark expresses the difficulty he has connecting to humanity, the two heroes realize they’re not so alone in the world, stealing a kiss from one another in Justice League #12 by Geoff Johns and Scott Williams. This kiss blossoms into an embrace that most likely blooms into just banging in the Kents’ crop fields, as the scene pulls out to reveal Batman watching them from a satellite feed.

Batman watching over his teammates doing it shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone. The man is all about contingency plans, and we will bet all of our Yu-Gi-Oh! cards right now that The Dark Knight knows Superman’s refractory period down to the nanosecond. Oh, Clark and Diana also hook up in DK2 and Kingdom Come, but you can’t beat Batman watching Big Blue beat it.

1. THE FEMALE FURIES

Furious Four Ways with The Female Furies Superman Legacy Lashina Stompa

Superman has been brainwashed to believe that he is Darkseid’s adopted son in “Legacy” from Superman: The Animated Series. In addition to a dope helmet, one of the benefits of being the combination Jon Hamm/Tom Brady of Apokolips is the frequent furious four-ways with the Female Furies, comprised of BDSM golem Lashina, super-thick Stompa for foot fetishes, and Mad Harriet covering all Wolverine fantasies. We’re not even being clever: Lashina strokes Clark’s chin after he returns from a campaign, declaring it time for a “celebration.” Darkseid clarifies, “Go on Kal, enjoy the fruits of your labor.” And we thought Krypto was the super-dog.

Lashina is Clark’s favorite, but everyone gets to ride the Supermobile. Later, Lashina greets Clark with “Welcome back Lover, give us a kiss!” before Stompa asks to play footsie. To recap: the only Superman orgy ever originally premiered on Kids WB.

Think of a sexy Superman snuggle-session we forgot about? Let us know in the comments! 

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