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Hulkbusters: 15 People Who SMASHED Uglies With A Hulk

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Hulkbusters: 15 People Who SMASHED Uglies With A Hulk

Walking on the moon, eating pizza for breakfast, banging a Hulk — all bold ideas once thought impossible by mankind, wrestled into reality by individuals straddling the line separating bravery and madness. To make love to a hulk is to make love to impossibility, to look upon gamma gods and goddesses synonymous with destruction, able to hold anti-matter in hands made of matter and punch foes so hard they hit the Moon, and still think “Yeah, I want to put my genitals near that.”

RELATED: SENSATIONAL: Spider-Man’s Cheekiest Bedroom Antics

As Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness.” Or, as The Incredible Hulk has often said, “Hulk Smash.” So that you don’t have to spend a day googling “Hulk sex,” we found 15 individuals crazy/bold enough to have sex with a Hulk, no matter the sexy color nor gender.

15. CLAY QUARTERMAIN

Clay Quartermain Quarters She-Hulk Hookup

When She-Hulk became an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. during “She-Hulk” #18 by Dan Slott, Clay Quartermain served as her superior officer and leader of the Hulkbusters, a squad of agents designed to take down Hulk-related threats, but not Hulk himself as he had recently been shipped off planet. She-Hulk puts the leader of the Hulkbusters’ title to the test when she decides to have a one night stand with Quartermaine in his quarters on the Helicarrier. This is somewhat impressive for Quartermain, considering the fact that he is the only member of the Hulkbusters without any powers, arcane abilities or LMD parts.

While Quartermain sleeps, Jen reflects upon hooking up with him after recently ending things with her then husband, Man-Wolf. Having meaningless sex so soon after a significant relationship was totally out of character for Jennifer Walters, but a mere afterthought for the less inhibited She-Hulk. Ultimately, Quartermain would be regarded as just another entry on She-Hulk’s long list of sexual encounters. Literally, she had to list them all during The Leader’s trial.

14. HULK’S HAREM

On a mission to kill the Hulk, Logan tracks Banner to a Tibetan town suspiciously devoid of women in “Ultimate Wolverine vs. Hulk” by Damon Lindelof and Leinil Francis Yu. Logan follows a scent to a hidden mountain palace, throwing the doors open to discover Hulk being lavished over by 43 bikini-clad ladies. We’re just going to count this as a group effort.

Hulk’s harem is an intriguing response to Banner’s sexual frustrations, as Hulk’s sexuality is a huge part of his Ultimate incarnation. After all, Hulk goes berserk when Captain America claims The Chitauri called him a “sissy-boy” during “The Ultimates.” Bruce proceeds to hulk-out when his therapist suggests that he is impotent, later cannibalizing a group of coworkers who imply that Bruce is gay for eating tofu. Assuming he ate all of them, Hulk did just swallow one to three dongs, but we digress. Incidentally, this Ultimate Hulk Harem isn’t the only group of normal individuals trying to take on the sexual appetites of a Hulk, as Maestro — the evil Hulk from the future — has a multi-gendered pleasure palace in “Battleworld” #4.

13. TONY STARK

Tony Stark hooks up with She-Hulk

Making us question the true definition of Hulkbuster, Tony Stark and She-Hulk hook up in “She-Hulk” #7 while Tony is Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and She-Hulk is an Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. Considering how Tony must frequently experience the effect of G-Force on multiple occasions while piloting the Iron Man armor, it’s no surprise that he seems no worse for wear post Hulk-smashing.

Jennifer laments how unfair it is that despite their comparable long lists of sexual partners, Tony is regarded as a player while She-Hulk is seen as a skank. Before they can continue this conversation, robots attack the two heroes while they’re still in bed, which in retrospect is one of the most popular times for She-Hulk villains to spring ambushes. Tony quickly throws on some Iron Man armor, while She-Hulk doesn’t have time to jump into her battle unitard, settling for fighting in her underwear while further highlighting double standards and sexism in comics.

12. JOHN JONAH JAMESON JUNIOR

John Jonah Jameson Junior Man-Wolf Stargod She-Hulk 13

John Jonah Jameson Junior jumps Jenny She-Hulk on numerous occasions as her boyfriend/husband during Dan Slott’s run on “She-Hulk.” All of JJJJ’s NASA astronaut training and subsequent werewolf Moon-God training as Man-Wolf couldn’t have prepared him for Hulk-Sex. To clarify, Quad-Jay is de-powered when the two have sex, with Jay actually preferring She-Hulk to be in her human form, partially for the sake of pelvis preservation.

Jameson later regains his Moon-God powers, becoming an albino werewolf in cosmic armor. John agrees to give up his powers to revert to his human form, as She-Hulk isn’t into lycanthropes, provided that she agrees to power down first. It’s an interesting debate on accepting a partner’s true self, undermined by the fact that these are two totally different transformations. When Jen transforms her skin turns green, but she’s also taller, fitter, and has the largest bust size in the Marvel Universe. No, seriously, it was established in a court case. As for Man-Wolf, John gains a wolf head, and hopefully that’s it. Learning how to love a green amazon is significantly easier than intentionally becoming a furry… or so we’re told.

11. SHE-HULK

Old Man Logan Bruce Banner Hulking Out Splash Page

So, the primary antagonists of “Old Man Logan” by Mark Millar and Steve McNiven are The Hulk Gang, a bunch of “Green-neck” thugs that have none of Bruce Banner’s intelligence, but plenty of the Hulk’s brutality. You may be curious as to how so many Hulks came to be about, as we count as least 30 Hulk-folk in the final issue. Well, this entry goes to She-Hulk. We’ll just let an elderly, demented Bruce Banner suffering from long-term radiation poisoning explain: “But who else was I gonna mate with besides my first cousin? Jenny She-Hulk was the only woman out there who could take the damn pace!” Gross. We’re about two generations of inbred Hulklings in, so let’s just be glad that She-Hulk is referred to in the past tense.

After Hulk briefly assumes victory by eating Logan, Hulk plans to restart his clan by gathering some girls from The Playboy Mansion, which has become a brothel. Considering how the less powerful Hulk offspring typically knock their partners unconscious during sexy times, we’re glad that Logan managed to lethally chest-burst out of the Hulk in time to stop them.

10. TYRANNUS

Tyrannus Alt Image with Red She Hulk Hulk Smash

In “Incredible Hulks” #626, the recently resurrected Betty Ross, aka Red She-Hulk, decides to let Tyrannus, The Lord of Subterranea, all up in her subterranean zones. Tyrannus, or Romulus Augustus, is a 1400 year old immortal former Roman Emperor and current protector of the fountain of youth, in addition to being Hulk’s oldest (and hottest) male villain. Betty specifically likes Tyrannus, however, because “he never says no.” That’s just savage, Red She-Hulk.

Betty turns Tyrannus into her boyfriend primarily to get back at Bruce. As Red She-Hulk, Betty finally has the powers and constitution necessary to physically love Bruce, yet decides to hook up with the villain who probably co-invented the orgy. Every step of this relationship is a barb in Bruce’s heart: When Bruce warns Betty that her next transformation may be permanent, Tyrannus asks, “Can’t handle a real woman?” When Hulk needs some extra anger/power to overcome Zeus’ Eagle, Tyrannus helps out by clarifying: “She didn’t just dance with me, you know!”

9. MARLO CHANDLER

Marlo Chandler has a date with Joe Fixit Incredible Hulk 347

What if the Hulk was a mobster? The answer is Mr. Joe Fixit, a grey gangster personality that the Hulk briefly adopted. For what Fixit lacked in strength, he made up for in intelligence and a penchant for hedonism, operating as a mob enforcer in Las Vegas. To fix Fixit’s “grumpy” mood, his boss’ wife sets him up with Marlo Chandler, an aerobics instructor, in “The Incredible Hulk” #347 (1988) by Peter David and Jeff Purves. In the fallout of their first date, we see Marlo cling to a lamp pole like a plastic bag full of ecstasy, saying “I’m… fine” with the biggest grin on her face.

Marlo goes on to marry Hulk’s close friend Rick Jones. Rick almost called off the wedding, however, after an adult film starring Marlo was shown at his bachelor party, which is ridiculous. “Appeared in soft-core porn” is so less significant than “Used to be friends with benefits with a gangster Hulk.”

8. BEREET

Bereet Guardians of The Galaxy Movie Cameo Hulk Smash

Bereet is a techno artist filmmaker who turns footage of the Hulk’s destruction and heroics into a successful art film back on her home planet of Krylor. Upon returning to Earth, Bereet and Hulk decide to date briefly. Bereet also tries her hand at filmmaking for an Earth audience, producing “The Life and Times of The Incredible Hulk,” which helps sway public opinion of Hulk into a more favorable light. In fact, Marvel’s entire “Rampaging Hulk” miniseries was retconned into one of Bereet’s films.

Ultimately, Bereet is a just a fling for the Hulk, as he realizes during their first kiss: “If you can’t be with the one you love, then love the one you’re with.” What’s super cool about Bereet is that she makes a cameo sans mohawk helmet-hair in “Guardians of The Galaxy” as Star-Lord’s forgotten bunkmate during the chase sequence. We can only hope for another esoteric Bereet cameo in “Thor: Ragnarok,” perhaps this time as Hulk’s canonically correct bedfellow.

7. STARFOX

Star Fox She Hulk Cover no Title by Greg Horn

Starfox is Thanos’ brother and a lesser-known Avenger, with the super creepy superpower of lust. Known also as Eros, Starfox has the ability to make entities he comes into contact with fall in love, be it with him, others, or abstract concepts that turn out to have humanoid personifications, like Death. The love touch works on both genders, and fortunately wears off after a few hours. Despite Starfox’s seduction powers, She-Hulk actually puts the moves on him. Considering the fact that Starfox is sometimes based on Jon Hamm’s likeness, this is understandable.

When later defending Eros in a sexual assault case in “She-Hulk” #6 by Dan Slott and Will Conrad, Jen questions whether Starfox used his powers to make her want to make the first move. She-Hulk, “The Second Strongest One There Is,” proceeds to kick Starfox so hard in the junk in retaliation that his cries are heard by his father, 800 miles away on Saturn’s moon of Titan. After everything is deemed consensual, Starfox agrees to have his powers deactivated, most likely because seduction powers are pointless after one has experienced genital oblivion.

6. HERCULES

She Hulk has sex with Hercules She Hulk 30

For years, She-Hulk’s number one crush had primarily been Hercules, Marvel’s incarnation of the Greek demigod. Initially, Herc often played the part of Shulkie’s dream-bound lover. In reality, however, Hercules turns She-Hulk off with his misogynistic tendencies, shattering her romantic daydreams with an uninvited smack to the posterior.

In “She-Hulk” #30 by Peter David and Val Semeiks, Hercules and She-Hulk do The Fastball Special. That’s not a euphemism, She-Hulk throws Hercules in order to decapitate a giant wearing jeans. As Jen noted when first performing the technique with Wolverine — who typically does the move with guys — you basically have to place your entire butt in the “pitcher’s” hand. Triumphant, Herc and Shulk do the nasty in the Greco-Roman fashion on a couch that just has to be made out of adamantium. Jen ultimately gets the upper hand, however, leaving the nude demigod stranded in a parking lot. Hercules asks: “She-Hulk sexed me and then left abruptly. I feel so used. Athena… Cho… You’re both knowledgeable. Tell me: Do you think she”ll call me?” That’s a hard nah, brah.

5. POWER PRINCESS

Power Princess Zarda Ultimate Hulk Annual 1 post punch

In “Ultimate Hulk Annual” #1 by Jeph Loeb, Marko Djurdjevic and Ed McGuinness, Zarda, aka Power Princess and former member of Squadron Supreme, clashes with Hulk over the simplest of desires: Hulk wants pancakes. Hulk has money for pancakes, but no pants on, so don’t think about it too much. Zarda struggles to deal with the customs of this universe. So, if Zarda has to wear pants, Hulk has to wear pants, too. The highlight of the fight has Zarda throwing a punch straight into Hulk’s unprotected junk, producing a shotgun blast’s worth of speed lines and motion blurs.

When the two fulfill their respective quests of joining the Hulk with pancakes and pants, the two decide to bang one out in peace. Also, after clarifying that he is not a monster and specifically hungry for pancakes during the fight, Hulk slips one past the censors: “Hulk likes pretty lady. Maybe Hulk will eat pretty lady.” Surely, Hulk was referring to his cannibalism habits… maybe.

4. THE JUGGERNAUT

Juggernaut with She-Hulk Uncanny X-Men 435 Splash Page

After Rhino jams his horn into him, Juggernaut turns himself back over to S.H.I.E.L.D. custody while awaiting trial. His lawyer She-Hulk is so impressed by this sole act of heroism/self-defense — while reviewing Juggernaut’s rap-sheet — that she invites him to bed. Fans were upset by this hookup, and we understand: “Juggernaut” literally means unstoppable, reflected in his fighting style of plowing through things. She-Hulk is “The Second Strongest One There Is.” All we see is a broken bed frame in a splash page, though? Please. This is the (former) avatar of Cyttorak banging a Hulk. This should be a 12-issue crossover event. Cerebro should be going haywire even though neither of them are mutants. The Watcher should interrupt them to tell them of the significance of their rendezvous… and to keep going.

This hookup becomes a running joke during Dan Slott’s run of “She-Hulk,” as She-Hulk vehemently denies it ever happened. Wolverine turns down Shulkie’s advances, not wanting to be “Juggernaut’s Sloppy Seconds.” Jen further denies it, risking perjury as “Uncanny X-Men” #435 by Chuck Austen and Ron Garney is presented in court as evidence.

3. CAIERA

Caiera Oldstrong Planet Hulk Cover Shadow Ceremony

Former Shadow Guard and lieutenant of the Red King, Caiera Oldstrong is a member of the Shadow People and the second strongest combatant on Sakaar next to the Hulk, standing by his side during his slave uprising in “Planet Hulk” by Grek Pak and Carlo Pagulayan. Hulk straight up just asks Caiera to be his queen, no first date or anything, and Caiera accepts. This is understandable, seeing as how Hulk has essentially become her civilization’s Neo and Maximus from “Gladiator” simultaneously. Their union is sealed by performing The Shadow Ceremony, which is easily the coolest way to hype up marriage.

Despite apparently dying at the end of “Planet Hulk,” Caiera manages to give birth to Skaar, and his obligatory super secret evil twin Hiro-Kala, who serve as her royal generals in “Skaar: Son of Hulk.” Sorta weird that Hulk didn’t notice two living babies when cradling his warrior-queen’s not-dead body, or didn’t bring her not-corpse onto the ship for mourning, but it’s not like the Hulk is a doctor or anything. OH WAIT.

2. JARELLA

Jarella Incredible Hulk 140 Close Up

After experimenting with Psyklop, Hulk is shrunk down into the subatomic world of K’Ai, finding himself in a world full of green people and dog-pigs in “The Brute Who Shouted Love at the Heart of the Atom,” from “The Incredible Hulk” #140 by Roy Thomas, adapted from Harlan Ellison’s “The Beast Who Shouted Love at the Heart of the World.” Now the strongest guy on K’Ai, Hulk (with Banner’s mind) falls for Jarella, princess of this subatomic kingdom. Just when Hulk has a shot at happiness, becoming the co-ruler of K’Ai and announcing to his people that Jarella has consented to be his wife, Psyklop plucks Hulk out of his idyllic micro-verse, barring him from a world of happiness that is within his grasp. Later, Hulk and Jarella date on and off, splitting time between universes.

Jarella is unique in being able to love every aspect of Hulk, from his savage side to puny Banner. Bruce and Hulk even claim to prefer Jarella over Betty. When Jarella is pulled into the 616, she meets her end in a manner reflecting the Hulk’s origin, saving a boy from being crushed by a building.

1. UMAR

Umar Incredible Hulks World Breaker

Umar, the cooler, chiller sister of the Dread Dormammu, decides to make the Hulk her personal consort, enslaving him in the Dark Dimension in “Defenders” #3 by J.M. DeMatteis, Keith Griffen and Kevin Maguire. To recap: Umar, approximately two Hulk hands tall, wants to turn Hulk, “The Strongest One There Is,” into her sex slave for eternity. Hulk lasts six minutes. It’s the nastiest 360 seconds of all time though, as Umar claims that housekeeping, who literally cleans the Dark Dimension as a profession, will be working overtime. Meanwhile on Earth, an entire dimension away, the Silver Surfer senses an irreparable shift in space-time. That’s right — Umar banged the Hulk so hard they bent reality.

For round two, Bruce comes prepared in his super-literal World Breaker mode in “Incredible Hulks” #633. Once again that’s World Breaker Hulk, shifting tectonic plates with each step, who Umar wants in her own “Dark Dimension.” Their reunion produces a heart-shaped mushroom cloud of sex, which is Amadeus Cho’s scientific take on the phenomenon. World Breaker Hulk proves to be a worthy consort however, now lasting over three hours.

Mad that we left out Richard Rory or Wyatt Wingfoot? Did we forget your favorite gamma loving paramour? Does anybody want to hook up with Red Hulk? Let us know in the comments! 

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